Make Up Your Own Title

Have you ever had something you'd like to blog about but didn't because you were obsessing over it and who really wants to listen to the blatherings of an insane person? Nah, me neither. Gah, just typing that sentence made me think about it again.

I shall take a moment to think happy thoughts.
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Okay. Better. Now I will talk about stupid shit to take my mind of off the fact I will have to speak to a bunch of people about personal things in a week. Hey, on the bright side - by this time next week it will be over. Hopefully, it will be all over. Or maybe a new phase will begin that will make this one look like a cake walk. Damn, where was I? Oh yeah. Stupid, fluffbally things...

Our cable service has been acting up so yesterday the repairman came out. Tiny Dog saw him as an immediate threat and wouldn't stop trying to lick him to death so I stuck her in the bathroom. After 15 minutes of listening to her shrieks coming from under the crack in the door (she had her face pressed up against it so hard that I could see the tip of her nose smooshed under the door crack), I couldn't take it and started thinking of where else could I put her. I remembered that once she got in a cabinet on accident and was so afraid of the dark (or whatever) that she didn't bark. I found her there, as still as a statue about 45 minutes later when I was looking for something. I didn't want to stick her in the pantry with witnesses company in the house. I popped her into the closet in LB's room instead.

For the first several minutes all I heard was a pitiful "meep - meep!" from the room but after a bit she began her regular scream. About 20 minutes after that began, she fell silent. "Good. The little bitch has learned who is boss and she's going to shut up til I let her out!", I thought. Ha-freaking-ha. After the repairman left, I opened LB's door to see that Tiny had slammed her body into the door hard enough to shove it open. (The doors don't have latches. They're two small doors with a hinge in the middle and you slide them open.) Once out, she celebrated freedom by finding LB's Easter basket and eating a package of chewing gum. It was a full package and she ingested 2 pieces. As soon as I opened the door, she hauled ass out of the bedroom and hid under the couch. I couldn't really scold her for eating the gum since I had tried to lock her in a closet. I figured since she managed to escape that the gum could be considered the spoils of victory.

I guess dogs are kind of like kids. You should check on them if they suddenly become quiet.

LB gets in my car after he gets out of school and I notice he's all red in the face.

Hey, kiddo! How was your day?

Fine. (in a sullen voice)

That's good. Did anything interesting happen today.

No. (in the same tone) Mom came to tell me hi by the flagpole when she was leaving with all of those kids. (LittleBrother's job after school is to take the flag down. It's usually him and a few other people.)

Well that's nice that you saw her.

But she had all of those kids with her. (Her own other 2 kids and 2 of her stepkids) They were all there. And lots of kids from my class were standing around.

Oh.

They were all there! All of those little kids were with her!

Um, I'm only asking this because you seem a bit flustered. Did that embarrass you or bother you?

Uh-huh. I don't know why she had *insert stepdad's name* kids with her. I thought she picked them up after coming to school to pick up my brother (LB's half-brother that she sends to LB's school out of convenience).

I didn't really know what to say to him. I told him that I was sorry that he was embarrassed and that if I ever do anything to embarrass him that he can tell me and I won't get upset. Should I have said something to defend his mother? I've never said anything bad about his mom in front of him but then again, I've never said anything really good about her either. I just try to not talk about her with the boys.

I can understand where he's coming from. His mom, all of a sudden, introduces him and his 3 siblings to some guy and his 3 kids and they're all supposed to be one big happy family. It probably doesn't help that she was dressed like a disorganized hoochie-mama today and all 4 of the kids she was towing were waving sticks around like loons. It's better that I didn't say anything to try and defend her because it wouldn't have sounded sincere.

There have been a couple of instances in the past couple of weeks where she wasn't able to attend an extracurricular activity of LB's because she had something to do with her new husband and his kids or she had to leave early because of the other kids. I don't think she realizes how the choices she makes effects LB and BB. She told Sweety that she had made previous commitments. Didn't she make a commitment to LB and BB when she squirted them out?

Before Easter, my niece (Sylvie-almost 9 y.o.) told her mom (my sister) that she knew that the Easter Bunny wasn't real. So my sister did not have the E.B. visit the house on Easter morning. Sylvie got a cell phone on that day as an early birthday present (her bday is next week) and called me on Sunday, Monday and Tuesday and talked about how the E.B. came to everyone's house but hers. On Sunday she told me that maybe he wasn't allowed on base (they live on the military base) and during the other phone calls she said she looked out of her windows and saw eggs in everyone's backyard but hers so he had clearance to get on the base. Maybe he didn't know where she lived?

I said something to my sister about this yesterday and she was surprised because Sylvie hadn't said anything to her about it. She asked my niece why she didn't mention that the E.B. didn't come by and said that Sylvie should write him a letter. My sister is going to give the letter a few days to reach him in the mail and then E.B. will visit my niece. Poor niece.

Mike has been feeling a bit punky and he said that his doctor said that pictures of boobs might help him get well sooner. If he would put that on the internet then it must be true, right? So, for purely medicinal purposes, here are mine. That link is not safe for work.

Driving Sucks Herpe Infested Donkey Balls

We're back. Woo.

What a long drive. I swear, if I NEVER see Tennessee or Kentucky again, it will be too soon. Sweety drove the first part of the trip and it was my turn to drive in Tennessee. In the dark. With a light rain. Through the mountains. And surrounded by semi trucks. If I could have relaxed, I'd have shit my pants. It was the most nerve wracking 3 or 4 hours of my life. I know that Sweety wasn't able to sleep too much while I drove due to the fact I was continually stepping on the brakes. When I first got behind the wheel, we drove over a huge hill (mountain?). It was so steep that you couldn't see which way it was turning or if it went straight down. That pretty much set the tone for the leg of the trip.

When you're driving while sleep deprived, it is hard to explain to your Sweety why you are laughing like a loon at the idea of steering your car into a swamp in Louisiana. Picturing my little car flipping through the air really tickled me. He elected to drive soon after that.

And if you are a passenger, it is hard to convey the comedy that is derived from imagining whapping the driver across the head with your foot. That one got me to giggling so hard that I couldn't breathe and when I explained to Sweety why I was laughing - he didn't get it.

My sister watched the canines while we were gone and Tiny Dog really showed what a shithead she is. (Tiny. Not my sister.) She snapped at a kid and whenever she was on the couch with my sister, if anyone or any animal tried to sit on the couch too - she would attack them. Thanks, Tiny. Next time I'll leave you in my bathroom with the neighborgirl coming over to check on you occasionally if this is how you're going to act when you're a guest somewhere.

Oh! Let me tell you what some asshole said about my Mother. My stepdad was teasing his 19-20 year old nephew and said something along the lines of, "Everyone says we look alike so hope you have good luck with the ladies!" and his dad (my stepdad's sister's husband) says, "Yeah, look at you! You're married to an old, Korean woman!" and his son (the nephew) pipes up with, "And she can't even speak English very well!" What.The.Fuck? How rude is that? My Mom is a freaking saint. She took care of her mother-in-law during the last months of her life. Where the hell was asshole brother-in-law when that was going on? And to be raising a son who could come up with such a snappy add-on of the "doesn't speak English" comment? I told my stepdad that if he'd give me their address that some chocolate dipped Tiny Dog turds would be mailed but he elected to send a letter to them instead letting them know what he thinks.

I must go to bed and try not to think about going to work tomorrow.

Revelations

I have seen the light and it is the Mr. Clean Magic Eraser! I'd heard of it before but figured that something couldn't work as well as what was being said. My sister was extolling its virtues yesterday and I picked up a box. Holy crap, batman. I ran around and cleaned stuff that I'd never touched before just because it was so easy. My biggest accomplishment? Cleaning the wall where Stinky and Tiny sleep. There was what I thought was a permanent mark on the wall consisting of Basset hound juice and who knows what but it is now gone.

I've been trying to convert Sweety over to sleeping with earplugs in and he resisted my efforts for quite some time. Last night I pulled out a brand new package of them and told him that he had to sleep with them and he now agrees that sleeping with earplugs (especially if you have canines that want to slurp and snore) is the way to go. Good for you, Sweety! Sometimes it's okay to step outside of our comfort zone and insert things into our orifices.

We are leaving for our little 20-hour-one-way road trip in a bit. Sweety said this will make us or break us. When you are on a long car ride, can you lay the seat back and relax? It's hard for me to do because I'm afraid that as soon as I recline (and fix the seat so that the seatbelt won't hold me in), an 18-wheeler is going to slam into us from behind and I'll slide out of the seat and into the floor like a broken meat slinky.

Some Teacher's Aren't Happy With An Apple

In the comments, themom said As for what to hide in the 13yr old's Easter eggs -- hmmm. guess it's too soon for condoms right!?!?! And that reminded me of a little nugget that Sweety shared with me over the weekend.

Remember Mary Kay Letourneau? The teacher that had sex with a 13 year old student and married him after she got out of prison?

We were watching something about her on the t.v. the other night and Sweety casually mentioned that he slept with his eighth grade English teacher. He was 14 and she was 21 or 22. He said she was a freshly minted teacher. He went to parties with her and her friends and to the movies with her. When he started the ninth grade, he moved to another school and that was the end of it.

I asked him what his feelings were about the situation. (Normally, I do not want to know anything about anybody that Sweety has ever poked but this was too odd to let it go without any questions.) Did he feel like he was abused or what and his answer was no. That he remembers it as a good time.

How weird is that?

Sweety said that when he remembers his school years that the eighth grade always seems to be the one that's in color. (Really? I wonder why?) He has said before that he feels like a kid sometimes with the way he thinks and as soon as he told me about this I told him this was why. He got laid when he was 14 and his damn brain stopped functioning.

Let me mention that Sweety does not think it would be okay for his kids (or anyone else's kids) to sleep with their teacher. Sweety is really protective of where the boys go. BigBrother(13)'s teacher had a Christmas party for the kids in her class last year and it was at her house. Sweety was freaking out over whether or not he should let BB go and now I realize why. I was all, "Gee, she seems nice. What could happen to him over there?"

Aaaaagh!

I know you've heard me say it before but I'll say it again:

I hate school projects with a passion that burns brighter than 1000 suns.

There weren't this many school projects when I was in school and I turned out okay!

You may return to your regularly scheduled program.

Hey, It's Saint Patrick's Day!

I totally forgot about that til just now. Have a nice one, drink lots of green beer, blah, blah, blah.

I guess St. Patrick's Day skipped past me because Easter is coming so quickly behind it this year. The boys will be at our house on Easter and I'm all for any excuse to hide small things around the house so they are going to have quite an egg hunt that morning. I'm going to hide plastic eggs with instructions on where to find the next egg. I was going to do it outside but realized the boys would be embarrassed to run around the yard hunting eggs with the neighbors watching. (some girls live next door and they are in the same class with the boys and I know there would be resistance to hunting eggs outdoors)

Since LittleBrother(11) has taken such an interest in rough gemstones and rocks and such - each of his eggs will have a little gem or rock in it that he can stick in a rock tumbler. I suspect that we will all be carrying keychains with polished rocks on them in the near future. I don't know what will be in BigBrother(13)'s eggs. Maybe jellybeans.

My stepgrandmother passed away this weekend and Sweety and I are driving to Missouri for the funeral on Thursday. In November of 2006, they found out she had cancer and only gave her 2-3 months to live but she hung on for this long. She'd really taken a turn for the worse lately and every time my mom called me, I expected her to tell me that she'd died.

At work, you get paid bereavement days off in the event of a death in the family. I'm using those days today, Thursday and Friday and they are pushing through a vacation day for me on Sunday. We'll be on the road about 50 hours from Wednesday morning to Saturday morning and I just don't think I'll feel like going to work on Sunday.

I'm so paranoid. Now that I realize today is Saint Patrick's day, I'm afraid that work will think I cooked this up to get off for 2 holidays. A friend of mine at work actually got written up for using too much bereavement time. She's older and in the span of 3 or 6 months had 5 close relatives die.

Chi Chi is having a day where she doesn't want to eat. She's on my lap and her stomach is growling and whistling like fireworks are going off in there. When she won't eat, I pretend that she is fasting for religious purposes or testing out becoming a breatharian. I'd rather think these things than fret over the fact that she is as old as dirt and will die someday. I'm going to the pet store to get some stuff to poke down her throat so she'll be getting nutrients on days like this. It happens maybe twice a month.

I better get moving.

I Like To Help With The Dishes

Do you know what my favorite night is?

Mexican food night!

When the bipeds put their plates in the dishwasher, all kinds of goodies fall off them and on to the back of the dishwasher door. If I am quick, I can reach in and scrape all kinds of delightful stuff into my piehole. If Mama isn't paying attention, I will climb into the dishwasher.

I have faith that she will not slam the door shut and turn it on with me inside.

A Good Nap

That's Chi Chi facing me and Tiny Dog pointed away from me. Chi Chi smells good!

Happy Half Nekkid Thursday!

Lazy Post

I am such a slug. I did not have to take the boys to school yesterday or today and both days slept in til just before noon. And you know what? It felt good!

I hate the day or two after the Spring time change but was reminded this morning of a a reason to like it. The damn dogs sleep in later. If the sun is up when LittleBrother(11) is getting ready for school, the commotion and sunlight wakes them up and they want to stay awake and squall at the bedside until I get up. But if it's dark? Those bitches burrow under their covers and give all bipeds the hairy eyeball and go back to sleep. Love it!

Let me tell you something mean that I do. If the canines go to sleep on the couch or try to hide in their beds for a nap while Sweety and I are still awake - I wake them up. Give them a shake or lift up Stinky's ear and whisper-shriek "boo!" into it. I figure if they don't nap as much before our bedtime that they will fall asleep from exhaustion when we (bipeds) are ready for our bedtime.

Oh shit. I just got a call from Sweety and he is getting to come home early enough to pick LB up from school. I must go do some things around the house so it doesn't appear that I slept til noon. Speed clean.

In A Nutshell

BigBrother's braces came off last Friday! Yay! I took him to a movie to celebrate on Saturday. He got to eat all of the popcorn and sticky candy that he could hold.

Sweety and I fussed on Thursday and Friday over stupid things. Too stupid to waste time typing it up. I spent all day Friday trying to decide which friend's house to crash at when I decided to load up the dogs and leave this state. We made up on Saturday. It's a good thing because I hate moving.

People at work are losing their fucking minds. The lady that sits next to me had a bit of a nervous breakdown yesterday morning and had to leave. That afternoon, a couple of other people on the team got into a shouting match. I fully expect someone to come in someday with some sort of automatic weapon and start shooting up the place. I'm thinking of moving to another seat that would provide more coverage if I needed to hide under it during a bullet storm. I'm. Not. Kidding.

The dogs are making us crazy. Stinky Dog has taken to slurping on her toes and smacking her lips excessively when it is bedtime. Sunday night, I ended up taking all of the furry bitches to sleep with me on the couch so Sweety could go to sleep because they were being so loud. He couldn't get to sleep while listening to Stinky's slurps, Chi Chi's foghorn snore and Tiny Dog digging at her blanket. I said to Stinky as we were walking out of the bedroom, "I hope you have a good night, you fucking idiot." and Sweety thought I was talking to him. He told me later that he laid awake in bed for 2 hours, amazed that I was nervy enough to say such a thing. As soon as the dog parade and I got into the living room, Stinky knew that she was going to sleep on the couch with me and started tap dancing all over the place. I swear that she was smiling. I get on the couch with her and she puts her head down on my legs and goes right to sleep. No licking or slurping or anything. And she starts to snore loud enough to shake the couch. Chi Chi was on the floor and I realized that the senile bitch had gotten up and was barking at our bedroom door. I leapt off the couch to get her before Sweety could get out of bed and stomp her into oblivion. Put her on the couch with the rest of us and she curled up on my chest and fell asleep and started an earth shaking snore in rhythm to Stinky's. I didn't get a lot of sleep that night. But when I did get to sleep - I woke up promptly with cramps in both of my legs from the contorted position I was in. I walked in circles in the living room for about 45 minutes. Until Sweety got up at 4:30 to go to work.

Have you heard of Avon Instant Pedicure Strips? A chick at work sells the stuff and I bought some. Did my toes on Saturday night. They don't look the greatest if you get right up on them, but from where my eyes are (about 5 feet 8 inches away) they don't look too bad. Better than naked toes. I did get some of the stuff stuck on my skin but you can use an orange stick (well, I don't have an orange stick so I used a shish-k-bob skewer) to smooth between your skin and nail and the polish strip peels right off of your skin. It wasn't as much fun as getting a pedicure by some pretty girl with a low-cut blouse but it was cheaper.

A Shiny New Day

Hey there. Thank you to everyone that commented on yesterday's post. (themom's mention of "at least they can't eat me" was one that I hadn't thought of before but I like it! And the anonymous comment about the serenity saying was good. It would be better to say that to myself than the "CALM DOWN, CRAZY!" that I mentally scream to myself.) I'm typing this as I wait for LittleBrother(11) to get out of school and I may reply to the comments individually later or I might not. I'm going to try and ignore yesterday. At any rate, you are all a great bunch of friends. Today is going well. I have completed all of this paperwork where all sorts of nosy questions were asked and now that the spilling of my guts to strangers is done and in the mailbox, I feel better. There's nothing else that can be asked of me at this point. I'll be glad when it's all over and done with so I can tell you all about it fully. Until then, I will keep taking my 1/2 pill a day to keep me from wigging out. Thank goodness for medication.

Naomi has mentioned Primal Therapy before. I don't have my own padded room, so I've been screaming my guts out when the urge strikes while alone in the car. I think it helps.

I got some stripper nails yesterday to cheer myself. Usually I have a french manicure done but decided to go crazy since I needed a brand new set of nails. The nail tips are clear and it looks like there are tiny mirrors embedded in them. I knew that Sweety would be appalled at my new nails, so I kept my hands hidden for as long as I could. He was on the phone with someone when he noticed them and said something along the lines of what the hell happened to your fingers. They were hard to get used to because they are a lot longer than I normally have them. At bedtime, Sweety decided that he didn't care what the nails looked like because he thoroughly enjoyed the new length. Isn't it nice how if you can link something to good sex that it can generally be forgiven?

Maybe if I give Sweety the best blowjob of his life with Tiny Dog sitting on my pillow, he will welcome her sleeping in our bed? It is worth trying.

I had to get some more spray to put on Stinky Dog to keep her from nibbling. I'd been using the same stuff for a couple of years and I knew that it tastes nasty enough to keep her from licking but there was some new stuff at the pet store and it looked like it might be good. I was afraid it wouldn't taste bad enough though, so I discreetly unscrewed the lid and stuck my finger in and licked it. And immediately started drooling all over the place like a rabid dog. It passed the nasty taste test and was purchased for Stinky's licking pleasure. I had to wait for the drooling to stop before I could go pay for it.

I must go clean our bathroom before the dust bunnies and dog slobber bands together to start a new race that would overtake us all.

Grouchybutt

I'm having a rough time in my head. I know that I talk about a lot of stuff here, but in real life, I'm pretty private. I don't like people to know my business. Not because I have anything to hide, I just don't. Some lovely legal things are coming to a head and I'm having to deal with them now and it is making me crazy. I don't like telling strangers personal things. Records? You wanna know things about me that happened up to 10 years ago? Holy, shit. I can't tell you what I had for breakfast yesterday.

Stressing out over this (and I know I have nothing to worry about, Sweety! i am just speaking the truth but I can't help but be a worrywart!) and loathing going to work have worked together to make me a wreck. I love laying in bed right after I wake up and realizing that The Panic has a grip on me and it feels like a big hand is squeezing my heart and the only way I can breathe is to pant through my mouth and it takes all I have to not crawl into the bathroom and try to hide behind the toilet or under the sink. Sleep? Who needs sleep? Not me! I need nightmares! That's what I need! And to wake up because I'm clenching my jaw so tightly that it hurts and when I stick my thumb in my mouth to break the clench and go back to sleep - I wake up because I'm trying to gnaw my thumb off. Sometimes The Panic sneaks up on me in the middle of the day. I don't think that one should have to concentrate so much on the simple act of breathing. And yes, I am medicated but I don't want to change doses on anything because my medical records are open to the world right now and it is not anyone else's fucking business that I'm temporarily insane. This should all pass in a few months. I can hang in here til then.

Sweety has told me that he knows me well enough to understand how I'm feeling. He does not. He says it's all in my head and that I just need to not worry. Well, yes. No shit. I'm not disputing that. My mental discomfort is manifesting itself in physical ways. He said that my stress is starting to stress him out. I'm sorry. I'll try to tamp it down. Does he think I like worrying about and talking about the same shit that's bugging me over and over? I do not. I know that it bugs him to see me freaking out over nothing. I know that it bugs him to see me eat pills to keep me from freaking out over nothing. And I do not like it, if I am being particularly calm, if you ask if I've had a pill. Why does it matter? Would you rather I didn't eat the pill and rip your throat out with my teeth because I don't like the way you said, "How was your day?".

Sweety has been going out of his way (despite my ranting) to try and help me but there really isn't anything that he can do. I'm just going to have to tie a knot in the end of my rope and hang on.

Gah. I'd like to sit down and eat a whole pot of macaroni and cheese and wash it down with a big glass of sweet tea. And toast. A half loaf of toast would be nice too.

Let's switch gears.

BigBrother(13)'s braces will be removed on Friday and he had to go to the orthodontist today. I've taken him out of school before but when I got to the school, they didn't have my name listed as a contact. Last year, we filled out a contact form and this year, instead of having us fill out a new one, someone at the school typed up a new one for us using the info off of last year's and they left my name off. My phone number was there but not my name. I told the receptionist if she had access to last year's form and looked at it, she would see that my name was on it. She laughed and said that she would not dig for last year's form. She called Sweety and got his permission for me to take BB out of school. The school had also taken the mother's name off of the form so if the COAEW had to get BB from school, Sweety would have to be called first. I have a new form to fill out and return tomorrow. It just annoyed me that it was someone at the school that left information off and she didn't want to find the previous contact form that we had filled out.

Poor Chi Chi. She didn't eat breakfast or dinner on Sunday and she puked her guts out that night. I woke and could tell that the sound she was making wasn't her usual snore. I got her a new blanket and tucked her back in and the next morning she ate her food. Do dog's catch stomach viruses? Maybe that's what she had. She hasn't missed a meal since then. Every now and then, she won't eat and I always freak out because I think she's getting ready to die. She'd never vomited before though. So until she ate the next morning, I was thinking her kidneys were failing or something. I will admit that I actually sniffed her puke to see if it had some sort of odor that I could google to see if it was a sign of something but it didn't smell.

Did you all just hear that? It was my enormous sigh of relief. It's about 8:20 p.m. and I managed to get a bunch of things done today that were stressing me out. Tomorrow should be a good day. I'm going to vegetate with my Sweety.

Hola!

Yesterday's trip to the lake with Chi Chi was a success. She thoroughly enjoyed the good grass and the sunshine. Instead of going to a restaurant afterwards, we went to a doggy boutique where attention was lavished on her and treats were purchased.


We were the only people there for awhile and I noticed that about a half dozen large birds were circling the downtown area and I wondered what was dead there that they might be looking at. About 20 minutes later, I noticed that the birds had moved and were circling us and I wondered what they had their beady little eyes on. When it occurred to me that they might be eyeballing Chi Chi, we packed up and moved out of there.

I took the Chichister home and then went to Sweety's work to meet him for lunch.

You know, I think everyone is entitled to their opinion but when you are eating in a public place, it would be nice if you didn't talk loudly enough to subject everyone to it. There was a lady sitting behind us that did not shut up the entire time we were there. She was telling her companions all about the email she got that told her how unpatriotic Barack Obama is so it must be true! It was so hard to not turn around and say, "Shut up." She had all kinds of stories to tell because she knew someone "high up in the military".

At one point right after she'd said something stupid loudly and Sweety could see that my head was fixing to pop - Sweety loudly states, "Hey! Do you know what I saw on the news last night? There was this guy, Jack and he had a cow to sell! And on his way to the market - someone gave him magic beans for his cow! Can you believe it? Magic beans!" One of the guys sitting with loud lady looked at Sweety and just died laughing.

Let me tell you something else that I don't like. I don't like a smarmy 13 year old telling me who he feels would and would not be a good president based upon what he heard was on the internet. Kid didn't actually read it on the internet himself but heard it was on the internet. His quote was, "If it's on the internet it must be true!". Sweet, tiny, not old enough to vote yet, baby Jesus. Needless to say, BigBrother(13) and I had quite a conversation. He now knows my stance on abortion and gay marriage and I don't think he was pleased with it. At one point he asked me, "Does Dad know who you want to be president?". I told him yes but that just because you're married doesn't mean you have to have the same political views.

See those shot glasses? They are double shot glasses and I purchased them at the neighbor's tupperware-type party a couple of weeks ago. Aren't they pretty? I learned last night that the way to not drink tequila is with double shot glasses. Before you know it, you and your Sweety will have drank the whole freaking bottle. Oddly enough, I didn't have a hangover today. It had been months since I'd drank any of that and fully expected to feel like hammered shit today. It kind of weirds me out that I didn't. I don't think we will buy anymore tequila.

*blink *blink*

Reminders to self:

Crazy cunt that we ate dinner behind.

Gratuitous Chi Chi The Motherfucking Magnificent Photos

Oy....Baby Oy....Why do you snore so loud and why is my phone so far away to set the alarm? Damn. I love my tiny dog.

BLINK!

She Likes My Cooking!

Yummy!

Sweety mentioned something last night that reminded me of this.

When I was a kid, my favorite way to eat hot dogs was frozen. I liked to either slice them in little slivers or scrape the meat off with my front teeth. Kind of like meat ice cream.

Just thought I'd share.

A Date With Chi Chi

I had been trying to decide what I was going to do on Friday when I took the day off. I'd been kicking around the idea of going to the beach to snoop around and Cissy Strutt's latest photo sealed the deal. It made me really want to go to the beach. This morning I was checking to see which beach I could take a canine to and realized that Friday is the start of Bike Week. Which means there will be people elbow-to-elbow and you have to pay to park anywhere. Not the relaxing day I had envisioned. Part of me wants to go to Daytona to walk around and look at bikes and people watch but I know that Sweety would shit his pants all morning long if he knew I was over there.

There's a town nearby that has a downtown area that's close to the lake and on the lake front there is The Best Grass Ever! Whenever I'm there, I must take off my shoes and squish the grass between my toes. If I had grass like this in my yard - I'd sleep on it. I kid you not. I'm thinking that Chi Chi deserves to frolic in TBGE so I'll load her up and go there Friday morning. (unless it's chilly. then we won't go. she won't walk in the cold. just stands there and shivers. i think she needs heat to get her joints moving.) We shall dine at a neat little German restaurant nearby because you can eat on the patio there with your dog. There is also a dog park in the area but Chi Chi isn't much of a socialite so we'll skip that.

*insert title here*

Back in December, the cuntofanexwife made a big deal about wanting to have the boys the whole week of their Spring Break because they were going to rent a cabin and take all 7 kids to Tennessee. It was going to be the very first family vacation that the boys would go on with her. Well, guess what? They're not going.

Sweety and I contemplated making plans for a vacation during that week since the boys would be gone, but decided not to just in case they didn't go somewhere with the coaew and might be at our house for a few days. She called Sweety the other day and told him that the plan to go to TN had fallen through but they were going to call and rent a cabin at Blah-Blah Island. Sweety told me that she hadn't called yet but when she did that she would find that you have to reserve a place there at least 2 years in advance. I just love it when she promises the boys something and doesn't deliver! (I'm being sarcastic here, okay? I don't love it. It pisses me right off.) Maybe someday she will learn that you don't tell kids that you're going to do something if you're not 100% sure that you will follow through. Continual let-downs go towards eroding that little thing called "trust".

I have admitted to Sweety that Tiny Dog is in the bed with me as soon as he leaves for work in the morning. I also told him that a few nights ago (when he was in the bed too), I let her sleep with us and moved her back into her own bed before he woke up. He was very upset to hear about this. Look, I know she's a damn animal but I like her. She's warm. Like a little heated brick in the night. It's nice. People that live in cold states should get a Chihuahua to sleep with in the winter. I am sure their electric bills would go down.

I'm fairly certain that Tiny understands English. We were having some issues last week where she wanted to yip at me in the night to be let into the bed with us but since Sweety wasn't fully asleep, I couldn't bring her up. Under the pretense of scolding her, I took her into the living room and explained that when Papa is at home that she can not be in the bed but that I am more than happy to get her as soon as he leaves. She promptly crawled into bed with Stinky Dog and didn't make a peep until Sweety left for work the next morning. Within 45 seconds of him walking out of the room, she was yapping at me. Her usual "let me in bed" yap is a tiny, quiet yip. This yapping was full-throated screaming with pinned back ears, eyes narrowed to evil slits and her paws were on the bed with her head as close to mine as possible. I think she remembered my promise to put her in the bed after he left and was making sure that I followed through. I did.

There was a meeting this morning at work to let us talk about our new supervisor. She wasn't there, just her supervisor and someone from our human resources department. Since I'm off on Tuesday, they offered to change my schedule so I could go in for the meeting but I told my supervisor that I wouldn't say anything in the meeting anyway because I don't like talking in front of people. She said that I can meet privately with her supervisor and the HR person later. Now that I think about it, it would have probably been a better thing for me to go in with the group and bitch because then maybe my bitching wouldn't stand out so much. I babble when I'm nervous and I could see myself saying something stupid enough to get myself fired during a private meeting. I'm going to have to rehearse what I want to say and then not fill any silence in the room with babbling. Maybe I'll get lucky and they'll forget about meeting with me.

I'm off of work this Friday! Yay! Hip-hip-hooray! I'm taking a vacation day to celebrate Leap Year. I figure since February 29 only comes around every 4 years that it deserves some recognition. To make it even better - that day is also pay day.

I still haven't bought a golf club. The retention pond behind our house has water in it now and I would love to launch some boiled eggs into it. I need to scour some garage sales and find a used club. I want a fat one. I think it's called a wood? Or a driver? I'll know it when I see it.

You Don't Know What You Have Til It's Gone...

Our wireless router box died on Friday. It smelled like burnt popcorn. We got a new one on Saturday and it only took about 7 mother-grabbing hours and countless calls to technical support to get it working. The tech support group at one point told us that we had erased our i.p. address so we wouldn't be able to connect to the internet. WTF?

Sweety did some button pushing and now we are connected again. He honestly doesn't know what he did to make it work but I am just glad that it is. To put it mildly, I was beside myself during the 24 hours that the connection was gone. I haven't figured out how to make the wireless connection secure (this router is a different brand than the old one) and my brain was too fried to deal with it Saturday night. I'll tackle it on Tuesday or Wednesday when I'm off of work.

The desktop computer says that there are no wireless connections in its area but it is connected through our router. Go figure. It must be magic.

Hey, I have a hypothetical situation for you.*

Say that you've had a bit to drink. And on your way home, you run over someone and kill them. Nobody is around to bear witness and the victim is definitely dead.

Do you think you'd be in less trouble with the law if you called the police and they could see that you'd been drinking and driving and killed someone or would you be in less trouble if you went on home and confessed the next day? Told the cops that you fled the scene because you were freaked out and don't mention the drinking so you just have a hit and run charge?

Would a hit and run be less trouble than a driving under the influence charge?

*Totally hypothetical.

I have never even come close to running over someone. Well, maybe I almost ran over some guy's legs once when he was changing a flat tire on the side of the road in the rain but I did not hit him. Made him sit up straight though.

And I don't know anyone who has done such a thing. This is a question that I like to ask Sweety when he's half asleep.

Toes & Tits

The bath bomb made the water pink. I liked that.

You can click on the toes to see the tits. Unless you're my sister. Spare yourself the mental image.

Happy Half Nekkid Thursday!

Happy Wednesday!

I've been busy surviving, not thriving, at my place of employment and it is sucking the life out of me. We have heard that the new supervisor will be the next person promoted in our site because she is Hispanic and a woman and that the site hasn't met the quota of having that sort of person in the position above hers. To be honest, where I work, the minority is white males. You don't see too many of those walking around as supervisors or higher-ups. When our supervisor is finally promoted, I will be the first person standing in line to bake her a cake, wish her well and send her on her merry fucking way. It has occurred to me that there is not one single Asian woman in a supervisor position. I am seriously thinking of climbing the corporate ladder. I feel with my 6+ years of seniority and my Korean blood and girly genes that I should own the place! (not. that would require too much ass kissing and I'm not up for that. ever.)

Have I mentioned that I am beyond ready for a vacation? I am. I have 4 days off in April and I think Sweety and will go somewhere. Or maybe we'll just stay at home. We haven't decided yet. I'm just looking forward to not having to go to work.

I came home from work Monday night and I was soooo thirsty. But there was nothing to drink. Nothing except grapefruit juice. I think grapefruit juice is nasty so I mixed it with gin the help the taste. It was probably not a good idea to start drinking at 10 p.m. I kept going into the bedroom to wake Sweety and bitch about my job. He had to get up at 5 and finally banished me and the dogs from the bedroom so we all slept on the couch. You know, the couch has my butt print on it from where I sit so much because it's so comfy for sitting but for sleeping? Not so much. Tiny and Stinky loved it though. I let them take the cones off of their heads because if I felt them nibbling or licking holes in their bodies, I could give them a little poke to stop.

We got a new thing to hang on the wall this weekend! This is what is used to look like and here it is now! We went into the store and saw this hanging high up on the wall. It was too high up to see the price tag and we decided that was a sign to not even think of getting it. We'd been wandering around the store for a bit and another couple asked to have it taken down so they could look at it. Then I decided if they didn't get it that it was a sign that it was ours. It took them 20 minutes to decide they weren't buying it (I was circling them like a buzzard the whole time.) because they couldn't fit it into their car. Another guy walked up to look at it when they turned away and I ran up and snatched that bitch up and tucked it under my arm the best that I could. Then I carried it to a corner so I could meticulously inspect it for scratches or dings. It was purchased and lovingly wrapped in paper to protect it and we squoze it into the car and came home.

Sweety wasn't feeling very good and went in the house to take some medicine. Usually, I let him to the lifting and moving of things but since he wasn't feeling well and I wanted to get that picture into the house right now and get it on the wall, I decided to carry it in myself.

Sweety stepped into the garage just in time to see me hoist it out of the trunk and whack it on the underside of the garage door. A little piece of me died when my whole body vibrated from the force of smacking it into the door. Of course, the bottom part of the picture got fucked up. But it's not too bad. I was able to kind of slick it down with my finger and you can't tell that it's messed up unless you are close and looking for it.

What Have I Become?

Mama hasn't been blogging because she's been busy making my life a living hell.


I understand her reasoning behind these cones but it doesn't make it any easier. Stinky has a little problem where she will nibble on her tail. And I have a little addiction where I will also nibble on her tail. So the only way for her to get well to is confine me also.

Can you see the anguish on my beautiful face?

First I spend two weeks thinking that some strange dog is moving in with me only to be told that he's not and then I get my own cone! The inhumanity!

I have it on good authority that the biped will resume her regularly scheduled blogging soon.

Agh. I am such a bitch.

Sammy's owner just called me and wanted to know if I still wanted him even though there was a chance that he still had one testicle up in there. I don't understand why they are wanting to get rid of him. They're buying a house so they can take him with them. He's been in their family for 7 years. I told him that to be honest, I'm not looking for another dog (especially a possibly unaltered male) but if he's going to stick the dog in a shelter that I'd take him and love him. He said that they would work something out.

I feel like shit because I insisted on the surgery (which came out to around 550.00 due to the complications.) and now I'm having to tell them I don't really want him. There is a reason though that all of my dogs are female and it's because I don't want the headache of dealing with a male dog that wants to mark his territory all over the place and if he's not fully neutered then that will still be a problem.

I don't think the dog's owner knows that I spoke with his mother about this earlier today. She told me that the company we work for is putting his family up in a hotel for 2 weeks until they can move into their house and that they are even paying a pet deposit to the hotel so they can bring him. So I'm wondering why are they so keen on getting rid of him?

I'm going to go nurse a guilt induced stomach ache.

All About The Canines

Sammy is doing better and started walking around yesterday. His current owners are going to keep him since they were able to buy a house. It turns out that the veterinarian didn't remove the one testicle that he found. The vet said when he got in there, he saw the one testicle and decided to look for the other one. After 2 hours, Sammy's vital signs were all dropping and he didn't have time to remove the one nut that was available. Okay, I just talked to Sammy's owner and one nut did come out. I still feel horrible that the poor little guy has been through so much but I'm glad he's going to be okay and gets to stay with his family.

And do you know what I know now? Sweety's dog saturation level. Now I know that Sweety would live in a house with 4 dogs. Maybe someday I will move in another sweet Chihuahua. I miss puppy breath.

Tiny Dog is in the first stage of patellar luxation. It's where her knee pops out of socket sometimes. At this point it pops back into place on its own within moments or if I see it happen, I'll pick her up and put it back into place. If your dog is overweight and this is happening it can be helpful if it loses weight. So Tiny is on a diet to lose 2 pounds. Hopefully, this will keep her from needing a ridiculously expensive surgery later on. While I'm at it, Chi Chi is on a diet too because she has arthritis and the less she weighs the better it is on her joints. You'd think I was starving them to death with the way they carry on! They have taken to taking turns licking sticky crumbs out of Stinky's food bowl when she is done. It makes cleaning up easier for me.

The Sleep That Only Mashed Potatoes Brings

I know this photo isn't much different from the many other photos of my sleeping canines but I like it.

On a completely unrelated note - Holy shit. I love Rob & Big.

Odds & Ends

I still haven't heard anything about Sammy. His owner's mom works with me and she was out sick for the past two days. Sweety has been fucking with me and saying that she was gone because she was busy digging a grave for Sammy. Thanks, Sweety. I'm going to call her tomorrow and see how she and Sammy are doing.

Tonight I am going over to the neighbor's house for a tupperware-type party. (This neighbor is friends with the cuntofanexwife and I am keeping my fingers crossed in the hope that she will not be there.) I decided it would be good for me to venture into suburbia and socialize with other people. I haven't decided yet if I'll eat a xanax and have a glass of gin before I go. When I get home - definitely.

Sweety and I went for a walk last Wednesday night. 3.7 miles. That's a lot of walking for a sweet potato that only goes from her car to her cube farm. My legs are still sore. We are doing it again tonight and tomorrow too. When we took off on the walk, I was really hating Sweety's guts because he was making me exercise and I was giving serious thought to kicking his right kneecap off. (Because it was the one closest to me and I knew I'd only get one good kick in and then I'd have to run.) By halfway through the walk, I was too tired to be mad anymore.

My favorite time of day right now is when I wake up. Usually I'm not a morning person but I've been having problems breathing lately (it feels like there is a snotwad of a small frog in the back of my throat and I can't get it out with any amount of hacking) and when I wake up I'm able to spit out a nice wad of something. It makes me feel good. Like my body is doing something for me by collecting that shit in the night and putting it in one easy spot so it can be sent rocketing into the sink. Good grief. I look forward to spitting out snot. That's just weird.

Chi Chi jumped onto my lap the other night! Usually, she very carefully creeps up onto it but she reared back and leapt onto it in one motion. She landed right on Tiny Dog and scared the hell out of her. Have you ever seen a Tiny Dog trying to get away from a smaller Dog of Doom that has fallen from the sky? Funny stuff.

LittleBrother(11) and I finally saw I Am Legend this weekend. It was okay. Sweety and BigBrother(13) didn't go with us because they don't like scary movies. We went to the Flea Market to browse around and then to the bookstore before going to the show. LB has taken a huge interest in gemstones and wanted a book about them. I was so pleased that he was actually asking to go to the bookstore that I couldn't get us there quick enough! We ended up with a book from the New Age section of the bookstore that lists the healing properties of the gems and whatnot. I really don't care what the kid reads as long as he's reading something!

Ha! Let me tell you about something that happened at the Flea Market....

LB and I were methodically making our way up and down the aisles and going into shops and we came to them if they caught our eye. Up ahead, I see an adult novelty store and I'm steering LB to the other side of the aisle because I just don't even want to look at him up against a backdrop of scantily clad mannequins that are holding whips and things. We get closer to the store and he says, "Cool! Look at this!" and runs up the stockade that the novelty store has sitting in their doorway with ropes and things hanging off of it and sticks his head and hands through the wooden holes. I just died laughing and we did get a couple of strange glances from people walking by.

Quote of the day: If lightening hit her right now - I'd walk over and do CPR. I'd suck the life right out til her lung was in my mouth and then I'd chew a hole in it.
Yeah, the coaew is still a 110% dumbass.

Woot! Woot!

Bekah is one of my favorite people. She's short. I like to pat her head.

This was when Tiny and I went road tripping last summer. We must do it again!

A Few Quick Things

Sammy isn't doing so good. His neutering did not go well. I guess only one testicle had descended and the vet spent 2 freaking hours rooting around in the dog's abdomen looking for the other one before giving up. Maybe Sammy just had one nut? Maybe the vet could have looked for it using ultrasound instead of just poking around in his innards for that length of time? I dunno. I do know that poor Sammy has only peed once in the past 5 days and doesn't move around at all. I feel so guilty. And do you know what the real kicker is? You know, Sammy was being fixed because I said we'd only take him if he was fixed? And we were taking him because his family was moving and were afraid they wouldn't be able to rent a new house if they had a dog?

Well, instead of renting - they are buying a house. This means that more likely than not, Sammy won't be coming here to stay if he lives anyway. Ain't that some shit? You have no idea how bad I feel about this.

The place I mentioned the other day, Candle Dippers? The owner noticed that hits were coming from here and gave me a discount code for anyone to use. The code is 756ce4 and it can be used once per person for 15% off of your total order. I'm going to scoop up some more things from there. I've decided that from now on, Chi Chi will be bathed in flea soap and that will be followed by Orange Pomegranate shower gel. I so wish you could sniff her.

Sweety cleaned out the attic today. It is full of stuff from when the boys were babies. Toys, baby furniture, stuffed animals and so on. He didn't toss everything out because he just couldn't bear to part with some of the things. (I tried to take photos of the pile of things that he was crying over before throwing them out but he said he would kill me if I did.) One thing he didn't get rid of was the bassinet-cradle thing. I guess if I ever have our own little dirt urchin, it will spend the first few weeks of its life in it.

I must go now. LittleBrother(11) and I are going to do some running around!

A Good Fish

Happy HNT!

You can click it for the colorized version.

Sometimes It's Creepy In My Head

I'm going to share a couple of things that I think about. These might be considered weird things to wonder about but I think that we all think about strange things but not everyone talks about them.

Have you ever seen a guy do that trick with his penis where he tucks it all in his nutsack and it looks kind of like a giant bellybutton? I wonder how many large marshmallows you could poke in there once the weenie is turned inside-out? I'm going to have to get Sweety drunk and conduct a science experiment.

I know that I've mentioned that Chi Chi has a giant coochie. I can't help but sometimes wonder what could be crammed in there. (gently and with lubrication, of course) I'm thinking she could take at least 3 chocolate M&M's with no problem. Maybe one of the peanut kind.

Bitch is Crazy

What did she spend 10 minutes barking her guts out at? If you look closely at her butt, you can see that she was straining hard enough to almost shit herself.




After seeing Chi Chi get this worked up over her own shadow, you can imagine what it's like when an actual living being invades her comfort zone.

This Isn't An Advertisement!

The dogs have all been eating the stuff that I was hand-feeding Chi Chi for just a couple of weeks and there is a definite difference in them. Stinky's shedding is waaay down. There aren't nearly as many dog hair tumbleweeds blowing about the place and Chi Chi is running sometimes! She has started eating the stuff when it is mixed with yogurt out of the bowl by herself. It just took a few days for her to get used to it, I guess. I'll take the bowl and put it on the ground and she'll get a few licks in then I'll move the bowl across the room and she will flat scamper to it. I move it a few times. I think the exercise is good for her. The Doggy Fountain of Youth is called Dinovite and it will be a staple in the canines diets from now on.

As you may know, the dogs (Stinky and Tiny) have their beds in our bathroom. One of the main things that will sell me on a body wash or bath soap is if it smells really strong. Strong enough so that when I get out of the shower or tub, the room smells like the soap instead of a ready-to-mildew dog. I have found my soap Nirvana. Candle Dippers has fantastic shower gel, cold pressed soap, body mousse (just a tiny dab makes you super soft) and sheafoliate that smells freaking great. (oh, and the candles there are really strong smelling too!) They also have an air freshener spray that is amazing. It takes one squirt per room to make the house smell yummy. I'm partial to the Orange Pomegranate smelling stuff. One bar of the Orange Pomegranate soap has been set aside to bathe the dogs in. I will sniff Chi Chi afterwards until I pass out.

So, do any of you all have something that works really well that I might want to try? I am easily influenced by my peers.

How I Loathe Thinking Up Titles!

See the ring on the right? I love the style and had been eyeballing if for awhile and Sweety surprised me with at Christmas. I wore it once and the stone came loose. It only has a prong holding it in at the top and the bottom of the stone just rests in the gold loop at the bottom. So we took it back and I got the one on the left yesterday. It doesn't set as high off of my finger so hopefully it won't be as easy to whack into things. It's circled by little chocolate diamonds. Very sparkly. And it came with a lifetime warranty so if I do accidentally smack it into something and the stone gets chipped or a diamond falls out, it is covered.


I took the old ring back a couple of weeks ago and LittleBrother(11) very quickly noticed that it wasn't on my dresser. I told him that I took it back because it wasn't sturdy enough and he wanted to make sure that when I got a replacement that it would have the same kind of stone in it (his and BigBrother's birthstone). I told him it would and he's asked me a few times if I've gotten my new ring yet. I think he likes that I have a ring with his birthstone in it. I'll have to show it to him the next time they are here.

I'd like to take LB and run off to Mexico. When he's alone, he is such a good kid. It's only when his brother is there to pick at him that I want to poke my eardrums out. He should be finished reading I Am Legend by next weekend and me and him are going to watch the movie then. Well, shit. I just read on wiki how the movie ends and it is totally different from the book. I am so glad that LB is reading the book before we see the movie.

BB was taken to the science fair yesterday by his mother. I am glad. He didn't place but I'm glad that he went.

Sammy will be coming to stay with us! He was neutered on Friday and should be with us within the next few days. He has some quirks because he has pretty much never been outside. He's only trained to potty on paper but I have faith that after a few weeks, he won't be terrified when he goes outside and at some point will get the hang of pissing out there. Please send us all of the positive housebreaking thoughtbeams that you can muster.

Saturday Night Gratuitous Photo Post

All hail Chi Chi!

I am sure that life as we know it will stop when she dies. Like the planet will get sucked into a black hole or something. You all should be happy that you can live your lives without the stress of keeping its center alive.

Who Knew?

Did I ever tell you about the time I went to a psychic? I don't think so. This post over at themom's reminded me of it.

It was in January of 2000. A friend of mine had told me about this lady that could supposedly tell you your future based on your palm and card reading. I'd never really been to anyone like that and my friend was all gung-ho about it so I decided to go.

When I got there, I didn't tell the little old lady anything about me except for my name. I even took off all of my jewelry so as to not give clues about myself.

She started off by laying out some cards from a regular deck and pretty much told me what was going on in my life. That she could see that I was working 2 jobs and one of them had me sitting hidden in stacks of paper. And that the wife of the much older man I was having an affair with was most unhappy and it was going to end horribly for everyone involved. (As if that sort of situation could end any other way!)

She asked me if I had any questions and I told her I wanted to know if I was going to meet a man worth meeting anytime soon. She looks at my palm and flips some more cards around and says, "You will meet a man within a couple of months and he will be the one for you. It will be like bam! You don't know him now. He's a little bit older than you and very tall eyes that go hazel to green. He has two sons and they aren't babies." Now, when she told me this, I thought she was out of her mind because I had no plans on meeting anyone with a couple of kids and I promptly put what she said out of my mind.

A couple of weeks after I met Sweety, (this was about 3 months after my visit to the lady), it hit me that he was the person she'd described when he mentioned that his eyes changed colors. We'd already decided to get married so it's not like he told me that and I latched on to him because of what she had told me.

Weird, huh? The boys really like the story about how the psychic told me about them before I even knew of them.

My Odd Duck

When Sweety gets home from work, the first thing he does is put boxer shorts on. Then he tucks his shirt into his underwear. I find it odd that he doesn't tuck the shirt in again when it becomes untucked.

Have a great Half Nekkid Tuesday!

Random Bits

Everything went well with Sammy yesterday. I told the owner that we will take him if he is neutered first. The owner's family has to move across the state in 2 weeks and he didn't know if a vet could fit them in before they move. If the Neutering Fairy can fit Sammy into her schedule soon, then it will be a sign that he is meant to be with us. He isn't housebroken but is paper trained and I can deal with that but trying to housebreak him and trying to keep him from marking my furniture would be too much. I don't want to see his wiener poking out all of the time either. Now that I've met him and see what a sweet dog he is, I will feel really bad if he doesn't get fixed and we don't take him. Part of me wants to say, "We'll take him! Balls and all!" but I know that would not be a good idea and would be too much of an imposition on the other canines and Sweety.

Last night Sweety and I had our first financial planning meeting. We sat down and laid out all of our debt and came up with a plan to kill that motherfucker. I was so relieved when the meeting was over and Sweety hadn't brained me for being such a dumbass and running my credit cards up again. (I may not have mentioned that he as bailed me out twice before...) We've always had separate bank accounts and we're going to start putting everything into one account. The plan is to make minimum payments on everything for the month and put our extra money aside. We'll use the extra money to either completely pay off a bill or knock a big chunk of one down at the end of the month. And we're each getting an allowance. Mine is more than his because as Sweety said - I do pretty stuff with my money so I get more. I appreciate that even though we are working towards getting out of debt that he is allocating me money to not look like a troll while we do it.

Tomorrow is payday! Yay! Tomorrow, I will pay bills and take out my allowance for February. I think I'm going to start using cash instead of my debit card so I keep track of what money I have in a more concrete manner. Tomorrow will be the last check that I get under our old bonus system at work. I've already calculated what next month's bonus will be and it will be 1/3 of what I'm getting tomorrow. I don't mind though! I love my job so much that I'm glad they've found a way to save money! *insert gagging sound here*

BigBrother's science project got picked to go to the science fair and it's being held this weekend. He is at his mother's house this weekend and she was given information about the science fair a little over two weeks ago. A conversation was had in the meantime along the lines of when the boys are at her house she will tend to whatever is going on and when they are at our house then we will. I swear, if some stupid excuse is given and he doesn't go, I will stomp a mudhole in someone. I'll probably start with Sweety and work my way around. I sincerely hope that she takes him because I don't want him to look back on his childhood and remember the shit his mother didn't participate in because she was too busy with the rest of her litter. Maybe I will start a therapy fund for him now.

I slept waaay in this morning. Tuesday night has turned into Gin Night. It is something that I can drink that doesn't turn me into a mean bitch or the shirtless girl in the corner. (Tequila - I love you but you just make me too looney. You were a good friend for a decade or so. Damn, sometimes I miss being the shirtless girl in the corner.) After one particularly loud night spent with tequila, our neighbor came over the next morning and asked Sweety if he was okay because he heard a commotion the night before. Oops. I wish I could drink at work. It would make the day so much more bearable.

Auditioning

Everyone say, "Hola!" to Sammy. He is trying out for a spot in our household.

He's 6 (or 7?) and his owners are moving and can't take him. I know that Stinky won't be around forever and I don't want Tiny Dog to be alone in her golden years. He's going to be here today while his owner is at work so I can see how all of the canines get along.

I was afraid that as soon as he entered the house that they would fight to the death in the living room but so far, so good. It seems that he is willing to let Tiny Dog keep her title of Dominant Dog and she's trying to get him to play with her.

I swear, I won't turn this place into a dog blog.

P.S. Here they all are so you can see how big he is. He's just a couple of pounds bigger than Tiny.

The Things We Do For Love

We ordered a dietary supplement for the dogs. It is supposed to help stop shedding, decrease odor, increase happiness, up their energy, make them prettier and help them be more popular with the opposite sex. It doesn't say so in the advertisement, but I am hoping that it will restore Chi Chi's youth and roll back the hands of time for her.

It was with great excitement that I ripped open our box of The Doggy Fountain of Youth and realized that Chi Chi would not eat it.

I tried mixing it with her dog food. She turned her crusty nose up at her food dish for two feedings in a row and I started worrying that I was going to starve her in the quest for eternal life. I mixed it with some berry flavored yogurt but no dice.

Sweety brought me some vanilla yogurt (I thought that maybe the scent of the berry kind was too overpowering for her.) and she turned her nose at that too. In an effort to get her to eat the magical elixir - I offered her some on my finger.

She ate it all.


Feeding Chi Chi the magic potion is something that I've been doing in the evening with her. It's our time to bond.

See that brown bowl on the table? That's one of the things that I told my Grandma that I wanted when she asked what I wanted before she died. I like to feed Chi Chi from Grandma's bowls because she (in her bug-eyed, confused way) reminds me of Grandma.

Have I mentioned that I adore this little canine?

Field Tripping

Today was the day of BigBrother's(13) FFA contest that I had volunteered to be a taxi for. The entailed rising early while the sun was still asleep and making ourselves presentable. Can you tell that it was too freaking early for us to be posing for photos or did we pull it off? My eyes were still gummy when that photo was taken.

When BB is wearing his big boy shoes, he is as tall as me. I need to go crazy on him and beat him with a broom or something so he doesn't ever get the idea in his head that he could get the upper hand on me.

Tell me that he isn't shaping up to be a handsome fellow! Maybe I'm bit biased...


His team didn't win so they don't get to go to the state championship. It's being held in Orlando and that's only a half hour away but the kids would get to stay in a hotel for 5 days and they were all really wanting to do that. This is evil, but a tiny part of me, like .02 percent is glad they didn't win because I would have been a chaperone for that trip and I don't know that I could handle being "on" for 5 days. Next year - we'll all be ready next year!

Have I mentioned that I don't like being around people? Today was a test. On every other field trip thing that I've been on, the kids have been doing something that the chaperones were a part of but today it wasn't like that.

There were 2 other moms that drove and I sat with them. One of the women walked up to me and said in a very chipper tone, "I know that you have no idea who I am but I know all about you!". Turns out that she is best friends with our neighbor. (The neighbors that leave their little dog tied up outside all day and wouldn't let us cut down the tree of doom.) The ladies were very nice but all the chit-chat made my head spin. I went to the bathroom a lot.

I have a cold or my sinuses are rebelling on me or something. I've had a nice, phlegmy sounding cough for a couple of days and I had to get up and leave the auditorium a few times so my hacking wouldn't be heard over the kids' doing their thing. I think I pulled a muscle or something coughing because now when I cough, it feels like I'm being stabbed right under my ribcage.

This same thing happened a few years ago when I was sick. At the time, Sweety had a wild hair up his ass and was going to school to be a fireman and had just gotten his Emergency Medical Technician certification and told me that maybe I had coughed until a rib was broken and it had punctured my lung. (umm, nevermind that he gave me that nugget of medical advice as he was groggily waking up in the middle of the night because I was having a coughing seizure.) I took that to heart and trotted to the emergency room at 2 a.m. to have the doctor look at me like I was a hypochondriatic nutjob.

I was so tired when I got home today that I passed out on the couch with a chihuahua snugged in each armpit and a basset hound between my knees. I woke 2 hours later because my right armpit was burning. It was burning because Tiny Dog had licked off my antiperspirant and the first 2 layers of skin. Have you ever tasted antiperspirant? It makes your mouth all numb. Why would she want to do that to herself? I think she has a problem and needs an intervention and a trip to rehab.

Technologically Retarded

Can anyone point me in the direction of a program (free would be nice) that will allow to you to rip a movie from a dvd and email it? I will not tell you how much of my life that was wasted today downloading different programs in an effort to do this. I'm on a mission now.

Ouch!

Sweety and the boys are always wrestling and roughhousing around. I've told them a hundred times that someone is going to get hurt. I say this because I have a feeling it will be Sweety and last night he got his.

He got a head-butt to face while him and LittleBrother(11) were goofing around and broke his fucking nose. I hate to say, "I told you so." - but I did!

Last night some of us got off of work a few hours early since we were so slow and decided to go and have a few drinks. This is the first time I have ever done anything like that in the 6.5 years that I've been here and of course, the night that I'm late is when Sweety is trying to call and tell me that his nose has been broken.

Luckily, LB hit him straight on instead of from the side so it doesn't look too bad.

I knew something was wrong as soon as I stepped out of my car because I could hear him snoring from the garage. He said as soon as it happened he puked and then fell asleep. I guess that is the body's way of dealing with trauma.

He let me squoosh it and it feels all smushy.

A Totally Unhygenic Confession

Tiny Dog is basically potty-trained. If you take her outside every 3 or 4 hours, you won't find any "gifts" on the floor. Every now and then - I mean once in a blue moon - I find a Tiny Dog turd on the carpet by the front door.

Since this is such a rare occurrence (especially if I find it at night), I consider it a treat. A sign, if you will.

A sign to take the offering that Tiny has bestowed upon me to the back porch and fling it over the fence into our neighbor's^* yard.

^* The non tree cutting down/can't believe that I'm not a "believer" neighbors. (BTW, the tree in that photo? It's leaning waaay over our fence now. When it falls, I'm burning it where it lands

Woot!

Where am I? I am holed up in Sweety's office at work and stealing wireless internet service!

The only thing that kept me going at work yesterday was the fact that I'd decided to call out today. I had a killer backache and more mind numbing shit that our new supervisor is hoisting upon us and it made for a very long day. Today I have an appointment with my doctor to get some things refilled and a new dose of head medicine. Hopefully, this with restore my tattered sanity.

And I got laid this morning. Life is good.

My Favorites

And this is just because I like that little pink tongue.


There are other places to go for some half-nekkidity!

I Feel Shitty

SWEETY, DO ME A FAVOR & JUST SKIP THIS ONE.

I'm just going to do a brain dump today and I'm not going to worry that my sentences or paragraphs are structured properly.

Sweety is all freaked out because I'm not happy with my life. I can't help it. But now I have the added stress of trying to be chipper for him when I really want to take chainsaws to people and then jump off of a bridge. It bothers him that he can't fix why I'm unhappy. It's not his thing to fix. It is mine. I literally walk around thinking, "I hate my life." And I know I have a nice life. Food to eat and a nice place to live. But I really hate my job. I know it's just a job and I should leave it at work but I can't. Especially now that The Wicked Witch of the East is my new supervisor. I spend my days off dreading having to go back to work.

And it's not just work. I'm suffering from a big dose of parenting burnout. If I'm not at work, then I am at home with the boys on my Tuesday & Wednesday off. I'm tired of haranguing kids BigBrother(13) to make his bed or do his chores or do his homework or stop picking on his brother. I'm tired of hearing LittleBrother(11)'s unholy fucking shriek when BB is pestering him. I'd be perfectly okay with it if LB took a baseball bat to BB's legs. I think that would help balance the power struggle that is going on. I.Am.Not.Kidding. I'm tired of backtalk. When I tell you do do something - just fucking do it. Or if I'm telling to not do something - then knock it off. I don't want to hear your justification as to why you are doing what you are doing.

When I'm not at work or doing something pertaining to the boys (this would be from the hours of 8 a.m. to 1 p.m. on Tuesday and Wednesday), then I am at home doing nothing. Absofuckinglutely, nothing. Yes, Sweety, I know the house is cluttered. But I want to take these few hours when I am alone to just be the fuck alone and not deal with anything. I'll tidy the house when the boys get home because I use housecleaning as an excuse to not come running every time LB yells my name because his brother is bugging him. I am horrible and I don't care.

My weight is a sticky issue on the home front too. And sex. And intimacy. I look like a fucking sweet potato so I don't want to be touched. And I don't want to touch Sweety because you can't touch him without his weenie getting hard and I don't want to fuss with that. Tomorrow, I hop back on the NutriSystem diet. I did really good when I was on it but have been so lazy that I don't want to bother with packing my lunches. And now I have gained back almost all of the weight that I lost last summer. Woot...Go me.

Financial infidelity. That's one I'm working on too. I have managed to amass (again) a huge credit card debt because I am a fucking idiot. I actually added it all up this morning and still feel queasy. I am done using my cards but I have a deep hole to dig myself out of. And the funny thing is that I have next to nothing to show for it. I didn't buy a lot of stuff to keep. Sweety said I'm the only person he knows who is paying off a cheeseburger that they bought 3 years ago on a credit card.

Heh, I just passed on a piece of wisdom. LB comes up to me with this Christmas tree shaped figurine and asks which end would hurt the most.

For hitting or stabbing?

Hitting.

Turn it around and hit with the base of the tree. If you want to stab someone, use the end with the star. You've gotta know how to use your weapon.

Yeah! *nodding head up-and-down*

Like, if you have a gun with bullets - then shoot the enemy. If you're out of ammo then use the gun as a club.

I'm going to pack up our Christmas decorations now before they are used in some violent domestic dispute.

A Flaming Twat Wad's Confession

I'm kind of at a loss right now for blog fodder so I'm going to tell you about something that happened when I was a teenager. Amy's post, so eloquently titled Flaming Twat Wads (ha! twat wads!), reminded me of this.

When I was in the 10th grade, a kid who was a Senior at a different school asked me to go to his prom and I agreed. Went out and got the dress and got all ready for the night. (as you can see, I wasn't the frilliest of girls)

Well, I grew up in the middle of nowhere and the schools would rent a nice room at towns an hour or so away to host the proms. It was rarely held in the high school gymnasium and this prom was no exception.

The guy pulls up in my driveway to pick me up and as I'm getting ready to get in the car my Dad asks where we are going. When he finds out that we'll be driving an hour to get there - he doesn't let me go! Can you believe that? He knew I was going to the prom with this kid and I assumed that he knew it wouldn't be held close by but I was wrong. The embarassment I felt as the guy got back in his car with his little corsage box was tree-men-dous. I still cringe a little when I think of the look on the guy's face when my Dad said that I couldn't go.

Luckily, a friend that lived in another town was having a prom the same night and it was being held in his high school's gym so I went to his. The prom dress wasn't wasted.

Years later, I told my Dad that he would have been better off letting me go the prom an hour away because that guy didn't drink and I ended up getting plastered at the prom I did go to. Take that, Dad!

Politically Incorrect Confession

My new pet peeve:

When I walk up to talk to my supervisor at work and she and the other supervisor she's talking to start yammering in Spanish and pretend that I'm not there. That pisses me off. It is rude.

I need to learn Spanish.

For the record, this has happened to other people on the team too and it pisses them off even though they are Hispanic also. They are going to complain about it. I'm glad. If I were to complain it would be twisted around to say that I'm racist.

Sweet, tiny, unemployed baby Jesus...I wish I didn't have to go to work today.

Make Up Your Own Title

BigBrother's(13) social studies project was done today. Sweety busied himself doing things outside while I supervised the project. The point of his project was whether or not it was a good idea to drop the atomic bombs on Japan. I set him loose with things to read about it and let him come up with his own decision. His decision was that it was a good idea because less people were killed in Japan than the number of U.S. soldiers that were projected to die if the war continued. Now, I don't agree with it, (Because I figure that soldiers sign up for war but little Japanese kids on their way to school did not. And if you think I am unpatriotic then you can move on.) but I decided to keep my opinions to myself and let him do the project how he wants to. I saw a documentary awhile back that was interviewing people that survived the bombings and I'm going to find it and let him watch it.

To celebrate the end of the project, I took a really hot bath with lots of fizzy stuff in the water to make me soft and built a big gin and ice. I feel much more relaxed now than I did a few hours ago. I am disturbed by the amount of shit left floating in my glass after the ice melted though. Our water is disgusting. Ew.

Has anyone out there that has read the story seen I Am Legend? Did you like it or did it suck ass? I've read the story probably a dozen times and have a certain idea in my head of how it goes and am afraid that watching the movie will ruin it for me. LittleBrother(10) has decided that he wants to see the movie though, so I am letting him read my dog-eared copy of the the book first. After he reads it, we're going to make a day of going to eat and watching the movie. Even though I'm not too keen on seeing the movie, I'm all for anything that will get him interested enough to read a book.

You know those tubes you put your money in when you go to a bank drive through? Sweety is dying to stick Chi Chi in one and send her rocketing into the bank. I will not allow it. I'm afraid she might have a heart attack. Maybe if she were a young pup...but definitely not now. Goddamn, I love that little dog.

And Tiny and Stinky. I love them too. But I'm loving Chi Chi extra hard since she is so damn old. I am sure you understand.

Kat is having a contest to give away a $25 Bed, Bath & Beyond gift card. If you're a fan of the place, stop by and enter! All you have to do is leave your email address. Hey, if you're NOT a fan of BB&B, go ahead and enter and if you win, you can send it to me! Heh. That's where we got our new dishes and if I get lucky and win the gift card, I'll go get another set. You know, just in case I ever decide to cook dinner for twelve. Ha! Actually, it would be nice to have another set so I don't freak out when one of the set we have gets broken. Because that sort of thing is inevitable.

Did I ever tell you about LB breaking one of my Grandma's dishes? I don't think I did and I'm too drunk lazy to check in the archives. Before Grandma died, she asked me and my sister what we wanted of hers and the only things we asked for were dishes. Not fancy-schmancy dishes either. Just the plain dishes that we'd eaten on at her house when we were kids. At Thanksgiving the year after she died, I decided to let the kids eat off of her dishes. And LittleBrother promptly dropped his on the floor on accident. The damn green beans were still steaming on his plate. The only thing that saved him was that it was a holiday and I thought it would be in poor form to freak out and ruin Thanksgiving for him so I acted like it was no big deal. Then I went into the bathroom and screamed into a towel. I found a website once where you could find discontinued dishes if you needed one or two to fill out your set and I need to go back and order one.

I have gone on long enough and my glass is empty.

Happy Thursday!

I don't like to have the sunroof open because I am afraid of flipping over in the car and having my head scrubbed off like a pencil eraser. I put my fears aside after the niece and I had our nails done last week. She was in a hurry to get them dry.



Happy Half Nekkid Thursday!

No Need For A Stinking Title

First off, let me apologize for not responding to the comments in the previous post. I was busy with the niece til she left Saturday and then we were away for the weekend. And yesterday Sweety came home way early (5 hours!) so I didn't have time to peck away on the computer. I've had things that I wanted to blog about, but then I see those comments and think, "I must reply to those first!". Then I freak out and turn off the computer. So, forgive me for the non-response. It won't happen again. At least not on a regular basis. (Don't worry Mike, I'm not going to go all Doocey.)

Secondly, the hair being poked in the ears? I did try it and I must admit that my niece is right. It is a very interesting feeling. If you have head hair that will reach into your ears, I recommend it.

And thirdly, please do not send me an email letting me know that you just whacked off to my photos. I don't think it's weird that you'd do that to them (because I am cute as hell) but it is rude to let me know about it. I don't like that.

Speaking of photos...

I wonder why people are showing up here after doing a search for this photo of Chi Chi? Is my little long-tongued dog on her way to internet superstardom?

Sweety's grandfather died a week ago this past Thursday and we went to his grandmother's house this weekend. (I'd only met her once before and didn't realize when I met her previously that she has Alzheimer's. I just thought she was a touch looney and said something to Sweety about it later. That's when he informed me. Gee, it would have been nice to have that tidbit of information before the visit!) Chi Chi was with us and she was a good conversation piece for me and Grandmother. She couldn't get over what a sweet little face Chi Chi has or Chi Chi's age. I've noticed that whenever I tell people she's 15 that the first thing they say is, "In dog years or people years?". When I tell them people years, they quickly multiply it by 7 to get her dog year age.

It had been decided that Sweety's sister was going to take her grandparents fish tank home with her but Grandmother had forgotten about it and wanted to know why the hell was her fish tank being taken away. I felt really bad for her. I think that nothing should have been removed from her house til she moved out. (She's going to live with her son, Sweety's dad.) But it's not my family so I kept my yap shut and just hid in the bathroom for awhile. Thankfully, the fish tank was the only item carted away.

I'm thinking of getting a pistol that fires glow-in-the-dark ping pong balls. Tiny Dog has become a huge nuisance at night. Always crying to get up in the bed. (I deserve a full night's sleep, dammit!) I thought about getting a water gun to squirt her with but since we have wooden floors that was not the best idea. Surely, if she gets pegged a couple of times with glowing ping pong balls, she will get the hint and shut the fuck up and go to sleep in her little nest that I have so lovingly built for her. I could get up out of bed and smack around her with a newspaper but I'm trying to find a solution that will not require me getting out of bed.

Tiny Dog turned 3 on the 5th of this month. Maybe her previous bad behavior was a result of "the terrible twos"? Now that I think about that, I'll hold off on buying the piece to deal with her.

The 2nd was my 3 year blogiversary! Woo-hoo! If the blog were a kid, it would probably be potty trained and able to pick its own nose very thoroughly by this time. You know what I had decided to do about Novemberish? I was going to use blurb (after removing things where I referred to sex or called the COAEW a COAEW), and then print it out and hide it under my mattress and then dump this blog and start over somewhere else. But the fucking blurb software won't work for me. Isn't that about right? I'll definitely be here for another year. I can't stop and start a new one in the middle of the year. My OCD will not allow it.

Happy 2008!

For the first New Year's Day that I can recollect, I didn't wake up with a hangover. I didn't drink any alcohol on New Year's Eve and I'm okay with that. Usually, New Year's Eve has been a time to get totally plastered but it was so much nicer to hang out with my niece.

The niece and I went to The Land Of The Mouse yesterday. We spent many hours waiting in line to ride different rides and got to see the whole theme park lit up with Christmas lights. She proclaimed to me a few times, "This is the best day of my life!" On the way home from the park, we decided that we would go get snack foods and play cards while watching the best movie ever (Nacho Libre) and just stay up til we passed out. We also stopped and got a couple of big fireworks to set off. Sylvie(8) was beside herself with excitement. After her bath she told me that she was going to put her party pajamas on. And what goes best with party pajamas? The pirate gear that you bought at The Happiest Place On Earth.




She has a whole crazy little song and dance routine that she made up. She tosses her hat off at the end. It tickles me that out of all of the princess crap that she could have purchased at the park that she chose pirate stuff.

Oh! She gave me proof day before yesterday that freaking crazy runs in my family. When we were in line waiting to get on rides, I noticed that she kept digging at her ears. She'd put some new earrings in the day before and I thought maybe they were bugging her. I finally ask her if she has an earache or what. She explains to me that she is cramming the hair on her head into her ears as far as it will go because it feels nice and scratchy when you pull the hair out slowly. Oooookay...Little nutball.