Convincing Myself

I'm telling myself that the way that Chi Chi went was a blessing in disguise. In my heart of hearts, I'd known for about the past week that she hadn't been herself. It wasn't unusual for her to not eat for a whole day maybe once or twice a month but 2 days last week she wouldn't eat. She had quit going up and down the little step that goes into our living room (she'd just stand there til someone moved her), her hair had started to get thin and crinkly and she just didn't have much spunk to her and she was usually a fiesty little bugger. It had also gotten harder to wake her up in the morning and when she did finally wake, she was wobbly getting around. She wasn't even barking at Tiny Dog or anything. She'd still give me kisses when I asked but I could tell that she was tired when she was giving them. It was like the fight was going out of her and she was tired all of the time.

I came home early on Friday night and Sweety had some french fries and she hadn't eaten for a day and a half. Usually, I won't let her have people food if she hasn't eaten dog food but I looked at her and thought, "Damn, she's 17 freaking years old. If she wants to eat french fries the rest of her life then I guess I'll let her." I then exploited her love of the fry by poking her in the Crown Royal sack. That gig earned her another 2 fries.

Friday night while we were watching t.v. she was in her usual place on my lap. She got tired of sitting there and wanted down for a drink and as soon as I put her on the floor, Tiny Dog rushed over to sit in my lap. I held Tiny's face and said, "You know that I love you. I just have to give more love to Chi Chi because she's not going to be around much longer. When she goes, you'll get all of the love she is now, okay?" (Hmm, maybe Tiny Dog slept on that and shoved Chi Chi in the pool?)

On Saturday, I had to put some stuff in her eyes because she was getting an infection in one of them. She snapped at me at first but then just went totally limp and let me wipe them both out. (As I was wiping them, I had a thought to myself that something was really wrong with her and I was smooshing her body gently to see if I could feel any tumors. Just call me Dr. Chickie.) That was unusual because she'd usually fight me tooth and nail if I was doing anything to her eyes. Something else that was weird Saturday was that she wanted to be out in the house that day. Normally, during the day when the boys are here, she'll hide in the bedroom and just come out to sit on my lap after the house has quieted down. But she got up and followed me around and sat with me all morning. She was sleeping under the laptop when I was putting up Saturday's post of her in the sack. (How ironic is it that 90 minutes before she dies, I put up a blog post starring her titled Chi Chi says, "17 years of life for this?!"?)

We were getting ready to go LittleBrother(11)'s baseball game and that's when I let all the dogs out. Tiny & Stinky barked that they wanted in and I scanned the area and didn't see Chi Chi (I know she wasn't in the pool then because I looked) and I figured she was on the side of the house that she likes to go to and went back inside. I was in for maybe 10 minutes or so and came out to make her come inside and and that's when I found her. Sweety was on the back porch and said that he has never heard such a primal scream come out of someone. He said that when he looked over and saw me with her that he thought that I was going to start smacking my head on the pool deck. It did cross my mind just for a moment. I think I went really crazy for a bit.

I have to give kudos to Sweety for trying his hardest to save her. He got the water out of her and then started blowing air into her lungs but it was too late. I will never forget seeing him with his mouth over hers and then leaning over to spit out whatever it was that was coming out of her and then he'd try again. I just hope that she when she fell in the water that she just took a gulp of water and that was it. The thought of her swimming around, looking for help breaks my heart.

After we knew it was no use, I was holding her and stuff and told Sweety to take the boys on to the baseball game and I would stay home and bury her. I had said to Sweety a long time ago that when it was her time to go that I would have her freeze dried and he asked why wasn't I going to do that. I told him that every time I looked at her that I'd feel guilty about the way that she died. That if I'd been outside that she wouldn't have fallen in the pool. He told me to put her in the freezer and think about it. So I did, (in a gallon freezer bag and then a pillowcase) and decided to go ahead and freeze dry her. If I can't stand to look at her, then Sweety said we could bury or cremate her.

Odds are that I am nutty enough to nap with my little dog when she is returned home. Denial is my friend right now. I'm telling myself that she is on vacation and when she gets home that she is going to sleep all of the time.

You want to hear something else that weird? I've mentioned that I sleep with earplugs to block Chi Chi's and Sweety's snoring. On Friday night, her snores weren't earth shaking like they usually are. They were really soft and I left the earplugs out so I could listen to them as I went to sleep. Sweety and I were talking later and he did the same thing too on Friday just so he could listen to her.

I have a feeling that if this hadn't happened, that she was fixing to get sick pretty quickly and that would have meant pain and confusing visits to the vet for her. One of my friends sent me a message and part of it said You know how animals and Indians go off to die? I think that is what Chi Chi did because you wouldn't let her die. You kept her healthy beyond her time. I hope that is what happened.

Chi Chi is dead. It's my fault. I let all the dogs outside and when Tiny & Stinky were wanting in Chi Chi was still puttering in the grass and sun so I let them in and let her stay out and came in the house to do a couple of things. I was in for maybe 10 minutes as the most. She fell into the pool and it's my fault. It happened a half hour ago.

5/6/8
I'd like to thank everyone that offered condolences or shared their pet stories. You really did make me feel better. Thank you.

Chi Chi says, "17 years of life for this?!"

Crown Royal - $24.99
French fry to get your dog's attention - .05
The amusement you get every time you look at this photo - Priceless!

The Accidental HNT

It's NSFW. You can click on the tub to see it.



Happy Half Nekkid Thursday!

Bombs Away!

I have found a new hobby! It ranks right up there with punting toadstools, smacking toadstools with golf clubs and dropping eggs in the garbage disposal.

*insert drumroll here*

Hurling things into the retention pond behind our house!

So far, a frozen tomato (Yes, there was a frozen tomato in the refrigerator. I should clean and inspect it more often.) and 1 egg have plummeted to their watery deaths. Another egg and a piece of meatloaf didn't make it to the burial at sea and landed somewhere on the ground. In retrospect, I should have cut the meatloaf piece in half before throwing it. I'm really disgusted that a good throw was wasted. I waited all day long for it to be dark to throw that meatloaf!

I'm not strong enough yet to get stuff all the way to the pond when I'm standing on the pool deck. I have to get right up to the fence and then throw my little heart out to enjoy hearing the satisfying "plop" in the water. With some practice, I plan on being able to sit in the lounge chair and make it to the pond.

I despise tomatoes but am thinking of getting a plant just so I'll always have ammunition. I hate eggs too. I should probably get a chicken to eat bugs out of the yard and I could use the eggs for throwing!

Didn't See That Coming

A good friend of mine died in November of 2006 (I spoke of it here & here.) and her mom sent me a video today. It had different pictures of her and her children and was set to a sad song. At the end of the song, there was some audio of my friend's voice and that is when I lost my shit. It made me sad but it was nice to hear that she did sound just as I remember.

Wee-Woo-Wah

Do you believe in psychics? I think that some people out there have a gift for feeling things. Amy mentioned Crys at InnerStep a couple of weeks ago and I had to give her a try. (See internet? This is how much I trust you. I will take the word of someone on the opposite side of the United States!)

I must say that I was really impressed with the reading. She voiced a few things that I've been thinking to myself for the past few weeks but hadn't said to anyone. As soon as I got the reading I told a lady I work with about her and she got one too and said that it was informational and a good reading.

And I will conclude this tiny post. I've been wanting to tell you all about this but didn't want to stick in in with a post about a dog race or killer semen.

What A Joyous Day!

So far, I have:

Slammed into every piece of furniture I came in contact with.

Slipped in the tub.

Burned myself with the tip of the iron.

This is shaping up to be a grand Monday!

Holy Hell, People.

Sweety and I were into hour 4 of lounging lazily around the house when his cell phone rang. It was the exwife. Letting him know that her five year old had been involved in a 4-wheeler accident and that if he wants LittleBrother(11) to play baseball tonight that he can pick him up from the emergency room.

Let me first say that I hope the kid is okay. Apparently, the 4-wheeler flipped over and he's been opened up from his elbow to his shoulder the tire that was still spinning spun out on his leg. No stitches were needed.

Secondly let me say - why, oh why, do you let a kid that small get on such a vehicle? And let it go fast enough that it can totally turn turtle?

The boys have been warned that if they are injured at their mother's house and it requires an emergency room visit and if they live that they will have to pay the insurance copay amount. So far, so good.

Sweety is on his way to get LB and I've gotten up and put some clothes on and am having a bit of wine. It will help keep me from asking LB any inappropriate questions (Like, was he at least wearing a helmet? Were you riding today too?) and it makes me feel calmer about having to put pants on.

Oh! The shirt that I got for contributing to Obama's campaign came in today! Sweety's eyes rolled back in his head and he had a small seizure when he saw it. I had to put it on immediately.

Maybe I should go drink another 302.

From Barking Dogs to Killer Semen

My usual work schedule is 10 hours on Sunday, Monday, Thursday and Friday. Last week, I did 4 days in a row. Sunday through Wednesday so I could be off on Thursday and Friday. It was horrible. It made me grateful for my real schedule because 2 days in a row is about all I can handle there. Last week was like one long day from Sunday to Wednesday. It was Groundhog Day, except I didn't get the girl at the end.

I got to go on a field trip on Thursday instead.

Sweety, me and the four seventh graders that we were in charge of walked all over Epcot. I am an idiot and wore new shoes. I'd purchased them the night before and they were very comfy in the store. I put them on Thursday morning and Sweety told me that they would end up hurting my feet. To shut him up, I wore them around the house for an hour or so with socks on.

I took the socks off when we left the house and Sweety insisted on taking them in his pocket because he knew I'd need them later in the day. How right he was. I now have photographic evidence that I am becoming like my mother more each day. I looked like a total dork with those socks on and my feet still hurt but at least they soaked up the blood. After stomping all over the place in those shoes for 8 or so hours - they are nice and broken in now. It will be a pleasure to wear them in the future.

Being off with Sweety yesterday was great! We had some of the best bbq around and then just goofed around. Since we were in Orlando, we decided to go to the Oriental Supermarket and discovered that it had closed. So Sweety found another one and got me all of the things needed to make kimchi. He will be doing that for me later today. He fucking rocks.

We got home a bit before 6 p.m. and decided that we would have something to drink. Out of everything we had, I felt that a 302 was needed. (That's 2 shots of Bacardi 151) It had been a good 9 years or so since I'd last had one. Sweety didn't want to do it but by mocking him with the question of, "hey, does your pussy hurt or what?" with some gentle prodding, he had one too. I forgot that shit burns. My throat is still sore today. I have never in my life thrown alcohol away but part of me says that we should dump the rest of that bottle. No good can come out of it.

After sex, are you a hop right up and go to the bathroom person or do you stay in the bed for a bit? I'm a hop right upper. I don't want to leak anything on the bed that I'm gonna have to sleep on later. I don't know how it happened, but as I was rolling off the bed like a ninja last night, something slick hit the floor before my feet did and I damn near broke my neck when I slipped in it. As I was scrubbing it up with I towel I was muttering, "Die, you little motherfuckers! Die!" Sweety wanted to know who I was talking to and I told him it was the murderous sperm. He said it was disturbing that I'd talk to it like it was a living thing. But aren't there millions of little doctors and lawyers in every wad some guy blows? Sweety now fully understands why I squeal, "Doctors and lawyers! Plumbers! Great poets!" and emit tiny screams when flushing the toilet after sex.

Hey Jude

Today Sweety and I are both off of work! Yay! I can't remember the last time we were off on a Friday and didn't have something to do so this is nice. Heh, I've been awake for 2 hours and still haven't put on any clothes. Life is good.

I have things to talk about but no time to blog right now. In the meantime, please enjoy this impromptu couch concert.

On Your Mark! Get Set! Um, What Was That?

The sun rose bright and promising this morning. It seemed like the perfect day for Tiny Dog to kick ass and take names at the Chihuahua Race. We've been training for a couple of weeks and thought we were ready. The plan was that Sweety would let a hungry Tiny Dog know that he had a piece of beef jerky for her at the finish line and she would sprint to it and bring us fame and glory. It didn't go quite as planned.


See that little bit of white in the middle of the circle? That's Tiny Dog's belly facing the sky after I launched her out of the start gate and into a somersault. It was a grievous error on my part and she was not able to recover. (It also didn't help that the guy in the yellow shirt at the end of the gate had a pocketfull of dog treats. When the gate opened, a few of the dogs on our end made a beeline to him.) She was a bit disoriented after she righted herself and wanted to come back to me instead of going towards the finish line. Needless to say, she finished in last place.

The lady next to Sweety saw Tiny go ass over teakettle and sarcastically said to him, "Well, wasn't that a fine start?". Heh, that bitch's dog didn't win either. Neener-neener.

But we learned a lot. We'll be ready to smoke the competition next year. Next year, Tiny Dog and Chi Chi will both be entered. I think Chi Chi's poor eyesight and excellent hearing would work to our advantage. She couldn't see the other dogs to be freaked out by them and could hear Sweety yell "treat!" over all of the noise.

If you watch closely, you can see Tiny do the flip right after the gate is opened. We're in lane 10 - the one fartherest to the right.


Here's the link if you can't see the pathetic video above.

Secrets

See this? This is my addiction and it is spiraling out of control. That cabinet hangs above our toilet and Sweety happened to open it the other day when he was taking a whiz. He then wanted to know if I was stocking up for a nuclear war. Because you know that bath items and smelly wax things would be hard to find afterwards. (If you'd like to more closely examine my secret shame, you can click that photo to big it up.)

All that soap stacked in the right corner? It's gonna take us months to use all of that. Yet, I still want to order more. But I am fighting the urge. Most of it was purchased from Capella's Garden. They have a clearance section where you can buy a bundle of random soap for $5 and right now shipping on anything is 4.95. I have a coupon (DEAL - if you want to start a soap problem) for 10% off. They only have 5 more bundles left. I have been looking at those for 2 day, dying to buy them all. But really, where the hell am I going to put them? (The temptation was too great and I went to the site to see how much it would be to buy them all. 26.20 with the discount. Okay, I'm really clicking away from that page and not going back for awhile.) Sweety may send me to rehab if he starts finding soap stashed in other places. Sometimes they have bundles of bath bombs on sale in the same manner and I have been hitting their page an ungodly number of times per day to try and catch that because I wouldn't be able to help myself and would buy them all.

There are other things in the cabinet that I have a huge yearning for also. Those little white sacks? They are asprin shaped wax melts and I love them and want to have their tiny, round, sweet smelling babies. They are just the right size to chop in half and put in my wax melter and the smell lasts for around a week or so of pretty much continuous use. But I already have 10 of them. That's at least 3 months of good smell in the house and how far in advance do I really need to plan?

I feel that I must say this - I don't get anything from talking about these places. I have even tried to convert my neighbor to the soap. I called him over here and gave him some lotion for his granddaughters and a bar of Ginger Bubbles Soap. He asked me what was the soap for and I exclaimed (with a feverish look in my eye) "It is the greatest soap ever it's made from goat's milk and smells great and I think EVERYONE should use it so I'm giving it to you to become addicted to!!!" He slowly backed out of the house while thanking me and sprinted down the sidewalk.

And all of those links under the "Spend Your Pennies" sidebar title? I really buy stuff from all of those places. Um, except for the NKOTB one. I'm just monitoring that site to see if they happen to come close to me with their new tour. And then I'm going. (Wow, this post really reveals what a nerd I am.) I didn't get to see them when I was a kid and dammit, I will go this time around!

Happy Wednesday!

For some reason, I've been having a hard time focusing on things for the past few days. I feel antsy.

Am I the only person with a totally filthy computer? I was just looking at my laptop and realized that there is probably enough stuff (food? grime?) on the screen and keys to sustain me for at least a week if I got lost in the wilderness with it.

LittleBrother(11)'s attitude has been in the toilet for the past few weeks and Sweety had a talk with him about it this weekend. LB said that he is put out by the volume of children that are at his mother's house when he is there and the fact that he feels like BigBrother(13) gets away with things over there. Sweety told him that if he was angry about something that happened at his mother's house that he needed to leave that shit on our doorstep when he got to ours. That we were all tired of dealing with (and listening to) the crappy attitude that he was dishing out to everyone at our house. It seems that the talk has worked so far. There has been much less whining and tattling this past week. I'm keeping my fingers crossed that this will not be short lived. Otherwise, I'll have to resort to extreme measures. I don't know what those will be (i have a feeling that ripping t.v.'s off of walls would be involved) but I've warned the boys that if I have to do something to bring peace to the house that they will not like it.

This post cracks me up. I love reading about Amy's kiddo, Maggie. She sounds like such an interesting little child. I think she should ship her to me for a few weeks. I could teach her some things and send her back, even more wicked older and wiser.

Squee!

Do you like to pop bubble wrap? I looooove to pop it. Most bubble wrap that I get in packages is the small bubble type. The other night, I got a package that had bubble wrap with bubbles the size of quarters! Squee!

I was planning on walking on it to pop it but Sweety told me to see the surprise he had ready for me in the garage.


I'm sorry that the video is so dark. It was 11 o'clock at night and I didn't want to drag a lamp outside to light the place up.

Before he started the show, I told him that I thought the sound of the car's engine would drown out the popping of the bubble wrap. Sweety came over and whispered in my ear (so you couldn't hear it on the video) to "shut the fuck up and trust me". Then, instead of turning the car on - he pushed it over the bubble wrap.

You can hear me gasp as I realize that he was clever enough to push the car so I could enjoy the sound of the bubble wrap expiring. Sweety said to tell you that the video is worth listening to just so you can hear how I laugh like a crazy person when I'm excited.

He really knows how to make me happy.

On Your Mark! Get Set! Go!

Tiny Dog will be kicking ass in the Chihuahua Race in a couple of weeks. We've been doing some training and I think she has a good chance. She's not getting any sort of people food or treats. Just her dog food and Dinovite mixed with yogurt. A couple of times a day, Sweety takes a piece of bacon or something tasty and waves it in front of her face. Then he walks 35 feet away and I let her loose to go get it. If she wins the regional race in Orlando, I may quit my job to devote myself to her training for the national race in California.

One of my friends at work got canned yesterday. I'm pretty bummed about it. I get to where I like talking to someone and then they go away. He was fired over some stupid shit and I hope they don't give him a hard time about collecting unemployment.

My supervisor (aka Bitch with a Giant Camel Toe) was promoted today! Woo hoo! Not that it really means anything to me because as of tomorrow I was being moved to another team with a new supervisor. (My friend was supposed to be moved too and was going to sit beside me. Wah!) I have a feeling that the new supervisor won't be any better than the last because they are thick as thieves. My old supervisor is now one of the top dogs at our site. This just proves that evil wins.

You know what I think is hilarious? When Chi Chi is asleep on my lap and I'm eating something like chips or crackers and crumbs dust all over her like tasty dandruff. It's cute. Thanks to the Dinovite, the bitch's hair is growing back so there's lots of places for crumbs to hide.

Do you remember these things? Popples? My sister and I had them when we were kids. Cute stuffed animals that you could turn inside out and they'd look like a ball. Someone has taxidermied a dog and cat together in such a manner that you can turn it inside out to reveal the other animal. I haven't decided if that disturbs me or if I want one.

My twitter addiction is growing. I feel compelled to read tweets during any spare time and to send in my twitters on a regular basis. You people that haven't signed up yet need to so you can amuse me with your goings-on during the day!

You Heard That?

If the video doesn't show up for you - click here to see it.

Oh, something that I forgot to tell you in the video - Sweety heard me tell my friend, "You know what this experience brought to light? That not so deep down - I'm a quitter." Sweety quoted that one to me too.

The Cruelty!

As you may know, I like to cry at Mama's bedside at night. I think I deserve to sleep in the bed too, dammit! Why should I have to sleep with my head in Stinky's crotch all of the time? Agh, I digress...

Mama has figured out a way to get me to fall asleep in my own bed. She gives me a cookie. Not just any cookie! Oh, no! Not a soft, tasty cookie that I could eat quickly and then go on with my life. This cookie smells good but it is really hard. I am lazy and don't like to chew on treats. Give me instant gratification!




Even though I'm not going to eat it, it doesn't mean that I will give my cookie away. I will fall asleep sitting up guarding it. The next morning, Mama takes it out of my cage and gives it to Stinky Dog. Can you believe that shit? Bitch.

Make Up Your Own Title

Have you ever had something you'd like to blog about but didn't because you were obsessing over it and who really wants to listen to the blatherings of an insane person? Nah, me neither. Gah, just typing that sentence made me think about it again.

I shall take a moment to think happy thoughts.
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Okay. Better. Now I will talk about stupid shit to take my mind of off the fact I will have to speak to a bunch of people about personal things in a week. Hey, on the bright side - by this time next week it will be over. Hopefully, it will be all over. Or maybe a new phase will begin that will make this one look like a cake walk. Damn, where was I? Oh yeah. Stupid, fluffbally things...

Our cable service has been acting up so yesterday the repairman came out. Tiny Dog saw him as an immediate threat and wouldn't stop trying to lick him to death so I stuck her in the bathroom. After 15 minutes of listening to her shrieks coming from under the crack in the door (she had her face pressed up against it so hard that I could see the tip of her nose smooshed under the door crack), I couldn't take it and started thinking of where else could I put her. I remembered that once she got in a cabinet on accident and was so afraid of the dark (or whatever) that she didn't bark. I found her there, as still as a statue about 45 minutes later when I was looking for something. I didn't want to stick her in the pantry with witnesses company in the house. I popped her into the closet in LB's room instead.

For the first several minutes all I heard was a pitiful "meep - meep!" from the room but after a bit she began her regular scream. About 20 minutes after that began, she fell silent. "Good. The little bitch has learned who is boss and she's going to shut up til I let her out!", I thought. Ha-freaking-ha. After the repairman left, I opened LB's door to see that Tiny had slammed her body into the door hard enough to shove it open. (The doors don't have latches. They're two small doors with a hinge in the middle and you slide them open.) Once out, she celebrated freedom by finding LB's Easter basket and eating a package of chewing gum. It was a full package and she ingested 2 pieces. As soon as I opened the door, she hauled ass out of the bedroom and hid under the couch. I couldn't really scold her for eating the gum since I had tried to lock her in a closet. I figured since she managed to escape that the gum could be considered the spoils of victory.

I guess dogs are kind of like kids. You should check on them if they suddenly become quiet.

LB gets in my car after he gets out of school and I notice he's all red in the face.

Hey, kiddo! How was your day?

Fine. (in a sullen voice)

That's good. Did anything interesting happen today.

No. (in the same tone) Mom came to tell me hi by the flagpole when she was leaving with all of those kids. (LittleBrother's job after school is to take the flag down. It's usually him and a few other people.)

Well that's nice that you saw her.

But she had all of those kids with her. (Her own other 2 kids and 2 of her stepkids) They were all there. And lots of kids from my class were standing around.

Oh.

They were all there! All of those little kids were with her!

Um, I'm only asking this because you seem a bit flustered. Did that embarrass you or bother you?

Uh-huh. I don't know why she had *insert stepdad's name* kids with her. I thought she picked them up after coming to school to pick up my brother (LB's half-brother that she sends to LB's school out of convenience).

I didn't really know what to say to him. I told him that I was sorry that he was embarrassed and that if I ever do anything to embarrass him that he can tell me and I won't get upset. Should I have said something to defend his mother? I've never said anything bad about his mom in front of him but then again, I've never said anything really good about her either. I just try to not talk about her with the boys.

I can understand where he's coming from. His mom, all of a sudden, introduces him and his 3 siblings to some guy and his 3 kids and they're all supposed to be one big happy family. It probably doesn't help that she was dressed like a disorganized hoochie-mama today and all 4 of the kids she was towing were waving sticks around like loons. It's better that I didn't say anything to try and defend her because it wouldn't have sounded sincere.

There have been a couple of instances in the past couple of weeks where she wasn't able to attend an extracurricular activity of LB's because she had something to do with her new husband and his kids or she had to leave early because of the other kids. I don't think she realizes how the choices she makes effects LB and BB. She told Sweety that she had made previous commitments. Didn't she make a commitment to LB and BB when she squirted them out?

Before Easter, my niece (Sylvie-almost 9 y.o.) told her mom (my sister) that she knew that the Easter Bunny wasn't real. So my sister did not have the E.B. visit the house on Easter morning. Sylvie got a cell phone on that day as an early birthday present (her bday is next week) and called me on Sunday, Monday and Tuesday and talked about how the E.B. came to everyone's house but hers. On Sunday she told me that maybe he wasn't allowed on base (they live on the military base) and during the other phone calls she said she looked out of her windows and saw eggs in everyone's backyard but hers so he had clearance to get on the base. Maybe he didn't know where she lived?

I said something to my sister about this yesterday and she was surprised because Sylvie hadn't said anything to her about it. She asked my niece why she didn't mention that the E.B. didn't come by and said that Sylvie should write him a letter. My sister is going to give the letter a few days to reach him in the mail and then E.B. will visit my niece. Poor niece.

Mike has been feeling a bit punky and he said that his doctor said that pictures of boobs might help him get well sooner. If he would put that on the internet then it must be true, right? So, for purely medicinal purposes, here are mine. That link is not safe for work.

Driving Sucks Herpe Infested Donkey Balls

We're back. Woo.

What a long drive. I swear, if I NEVER see Tennessee or Kentucky again, it will be too soon. Sweety drove the first part of the trip and it was my turn to drive in Tennessee. In the dark. With a light rain. Through the mountains. And surrounded by semi trucks. If I could have relaxed, I'd have shit my pants. It was the most nerve wracking 3 or 4 hours of my life. I know that Sweety wasn't able to sleep too much while I drove due to the fact I was continually stepping on the brakes. When I first got behind the wheel, we drove over a huge hill (mountain?). It was so steep that you couldn't see which way it was turning or if it went straight down. That pretty much set the tone for the leg of the trip.

When you're driving while sleep deprived, it is hard to explain to your Sweety why you are laughing like a loon at the idea of steering your car into a swamp in Louisiana. Picturing my little car flipping through the air really tickled me. He elected to drive soon after that.

And if you are a passenger, it is hard to convey the comedy that is derived from imagining whapping the driver across the head with your foot. That one got me to giggling so hard that I couldn't breathe and when I explained to Sweety why I was laughing - he didn't get it.

My sister watched the canines while we were gone and Tiny Dog really showed what a shithead she is. (Tiny. Not my sister.) She snapped at a kid and whenever she was on the couch with my sister, if anyone or any animal tried to sit on the couch too - she would attack them. Thanks, Tiny. Next time I'll leave you in my bathroom with the neighborgirl coming over to check on you occasionally if this is how you're going to act when you're a guest somewhere.

Oh! Let me tell you what some asshole said about my Mother. My stepdad was teasing his 19-20 year old nephew and said something along the lines of, "Everyone says we look alike so hope you have good luck with the ladies!" and his dad (my stepdad's sister's husband) says, "Yeah, look at you! You're married to an old, Korean woman!" and his son (the nephew) pipes up with, "And she can't even speak English very well!" What.The.Fuck? How rude is that? My Mom is a freaking saint. She took care of her mother-in-law during the last months of her life. Where the hell was asshole brother-in-law when that was going on? And to be raising a son who could come up with such a snappy add-on of the "doesn't speak English" comment? I told my stepdad that if he'd give me their address that some chocolate dipped Tiny Dog turds would be mailed but he elected to send a letter to them instead letting them know what he thinks.

I must go to bed and try not to think about going to work tomorrow.

Revelations

I have seen the light and it is the Mr. Clean Magic Eraser! I'd heard of it before but figured that something couldn't work as well as what was being said. My sister was extolling its virtues yesterday and I picked up a box. Holy crap, batman. I ran around and cleaned stuff that I'd never touched before just because it was so easy. My biggest accomplishment? Cleaning the wall where Stinky and Tiny sleep. There was what I thought was a permanent mark on the wall consisting of Basset hound juice and who knows what but it is now gone.

I've been trying to convert Sweety over to sleeping with earplugs in and he resisted my efforts for quite some time. Last night I pulled out a brand new package of them and told him that he had to sleep with them and he now agrees that sleeping with earplugs (especially if you have canines that want to slurp and snore) is the way to go. Good for you, Sweety! Sometimes it's okay to step outside of our comfort zone and insert things into our orifices.

We are leaving for our little 20-hour-one-way road trip in a bit. Sweety said this will make us or break us. When you are on a long car ride, can you lay the seat back and relax? It's hard for me to do because I'm afraid that as soon as I recline (and fix the seat so that the seatbelt won't hold me in), an 18-wheeler is going to slam into us from behind and I'll slide out of the seat and into the floor like a broken meat slinky.

Some Teacher's Aren't Happy With An Apple

In the comments, themom said As for what to hide in the 13yr old's Easter eggs -- hmmm. guess it's too soon for condoms right!?!?! And that reminded me of a little nugget that Sweety shared with me over the weekend.

Remember Mary Kay Letourneau? The teacher that had sex with a 13 year old student and married him after she got out of prison?

We were watching something about her on the t.v. the other night and Sweety casually mentioned that he slept with his eighth grade English teacher. He was 14 and she was 21 or 22. He said she was a freshly minted teacher. He went to parties with her and her friends and to the movies with her. When he started the ninth grade, he moved to another school and that was the end of it.

I asked him what his feelings were about the situation. (Normally, I do not want to know anything about anybody that Sweety has ever poked but this was too odd to let it go without any questions.) Did he feel like he was abused or what and his answer was no. That he remembers it as a good time.

How weird is that?

Sweety said that when he remembers his school years that the eighth grade always seems to be the one that's in color. (Really? I wonder why?) He has said before that he feels like a kid sometimes with the way he thinks and as soon as he told me about this I told him this was why. He got laid when he was 14 and his damn brain stopped functioning.

Let me mention that Sweety does not think it would be okay for his kids (or anyone else's kids) to sleep with their teacher. Sweety is really protective of where the boys go. BigBrother(13)'s teacher had a Christmas party for the kids in her class last year and it was at her house. Sweety was freaking out over whether or not he should let BB go and now I realize why. I was all, "Gee, she seems nice. What could happen to him over there?"

Aaaaagh!

I know you've heard me say it before but I'll say it again:

I hate school projects with a passion that burns brighter than 1000 suns.

There weren't this many school projects when I was in school and I turned out okay!

You may return to your regularly scheduled program.

Hey, It's Saint Patrick's Day!

I totally forgot about that til just now. Have a nice one, drink lots of green beer, blah, blah, blah.

I guess St. Patrick's Day skipped past me because Easter is coming so quickly behind it this year. The boys will be at our house on Easter and I'm all for any excuse to hide small things around the house so they are going to have quite an egg hunt that morning. I'm going to hide plastic eggs with instructions on where to find the next egg. I was going to do it outside but realized the boys would be embarrassed to run around the yard hunting eggs with the neighbors watching. (some girls live next door and they are in the same class with the boys and I know there would be resistance to hunting eggs outdoors)

Since LittleBrother(11) has taken such an interest in rough gemstones and rocks and such - each of his eggs will have a little gem or rock in it that he can stick in a rock tumbler. I suspect that we will all be carrying keychains with polished rocks on them in the near future. I don't know what will be in BigBrother(13)'s eggs. Maybe jellybeans.

My stepgrandmother passed away this weekend and Sweety and I are driving to Missouri for the funeral on Thursday. In November of 2006, they found out she had cancer and only gave her 2-3 months to live but she hung on for this long. She'd really taken a turn for the worse lately and every time my mom called me, I expected her to tell me that she'd died.

At work, you get paid bereavement days off in the event of a death in the family. I'm using those days today, Thursday and Friday and they are pushing through a vacation day for me on Sunday. We'll be on the road about 50 hours from Wednesday morning to Saturday morning and I just don't think I'll feel like going to work on Sunday.

I'm so paranoid. Now that I realize today is Saint Patrick's day, I'm afraid that work will think I cooked this up to get off for 2 holidays. A friend of mine at work actually got written up for using too much bereavement time. She's older and in the span of 3 or 6 months had 5 close relatives die.

Chi Chi is having a day where she doesn't want to eat. She's on my lap and her stomach is growling and whistling like fireworks are going off in there. When she won't eat, I pretend that she is fasting for religious purposes or testing out becoming a breatharian. I'd rather think these things than fret over the fact that she is as old as dirt and will die someday. I'm going to the pet store to get some stuff to poke down her throat so she'll be getting nutrients on days like this. It happens maybe twice a month.

I better get moving.

I Like To Help With The Dishes

Do you know what my favorite night is?

Mexican food night!

When the bipeds put their plates in the dishwasher, all kinds of goodies fall off them and on to the back of the dishwasher door. If I am quick, I can reach in and scrape all kinds of delightful stuff into my piehole. If Mama isn't paying attention, I will climb into the dishwasher.

I have faith that she will not slam the door shut and turn it on with me inside.

A Good Nap

That's Chi Chi facing me and Tiny Dog pointed away from me. Chi Chi smells good!

Happy Half Nekkid Thursday!

Lazy Post

I am such a slug. I did not have to take the boys to school yesterday or today and both days slept in til just before noon. And you know what? It felt good!

I hate the day or two after the Spring time change but was reminded this morning of a a reason to like it. The damn dogs sleep in later. If the sun is up when LittleBrother(11) is getting ready for school, the commotion and sunlight wakes them up and they want to stay awake and squall at the bedside until I get up. But if it's dark? Those bitches burrow under their covers and give all bipeds the hairy eyeball and go back to sleep. Love it!

Let me tell you something mean that I do. If the canines go to sleep on the couch or try to hide in their beds for a nap while Sweety and I are still awake - I wake them up. Give them a shake or lift up Stinky's ear and whisper-shriek "boo!" into it. I figure if they don't nap as much before our bedtime that they will fall asleep from exhaustion when we (bipeds) are ready for our bedtime.

Oh shit. I just got a call from Sweety and he is getting to come home early enough to pick LB up from school. I must go do some things around the house so it doesn't appear that I slept til noon. Speed clean.

In A Nutshell

BigBrother's braces came off last Friday! Yay! I took him to a movie to celebrate on Saturday. He got to eat all of the popcorn and sticky candy that he could hold.

Sweety and I fussed on Thursday and Friday over stupid things. Too stupid to waste time typing it up. I spent all day Friday trying to decide which friend's house to crash at when I decided to load up the dogs and leave this state. We made up on Saturday. It's a good thing because I hate moving.

People at work are losing their fucking minds. The lady that sits next to me had a bit of a nervous breakdown yesterday morning and had to leave. That afternoon, a couple of other people on the team got into a shouting match. I fully expect someone to come in someday with some sort of automatic weapon and start shooting up the place. I'm thinking of moving to another seat that would provide more coverage if I needed to hide under it during a bullet storm. I'm. Not. Kidding.

The dogs are making us crazy. Stinky Dog has taken to slurping on her toes and smacking her lips excessively when it is bedtime. Sunday night, I ended up taking all of the furry bitches to sleep with me on the couch so Sweety could go to sleep because they were being so loud. He couldn't get to sleep while listening to Stinky's slurps, Chi Chi's foghorn snore and Tiny Dog digging at her blanket. I said to Stinky as we were walking out of the bedroom, "I hope you have a good night, you fucking idiot." and Sweety thought I was talking to him. He told me later that he laid awake in bed for 2 hours, amazed that I was nervy enough to say such a thing. As soon as the dog parade and I got into the living room, Stinky knew that she was going to sleep on the couch with me and started tap dancing all over the place. I swear that she was smiling. I get on the couch with her and she puts her head down on my legs and goes right to sleep. No licking or slurping or anything. And she starts to snore loud enough to shake the couch. Chi Chi was on the floor and I realized that the senile bitch had gotten up and was barking at our bedroom door. I leapt off the couch to get her before Sweety could get out of bed and stomp her into oblivion. Put her on the couch with the rest of us and she curled up on my chest and fell asleep and started an earth shaking snore in rhythm to Stinky's. I didn't get a lot of sleep that night. But when I did get to sleep - I woke up promptly with cramps in both of my legs from the contorted position I was in. I walked in circles in the living room for about 45 minutes. Until Sweety got up at 4:30 to go to work.

Have you heard of Avon Instant Pedicure Strips? A chick at work sells the stuff and I bought some. Did my toes on Saturday night. They don't look the greatest if you get right up on them, but from where my eyes are (about 5 feet 8 inches away) they don't look too bad. Better than naked toes. I did get some of the stuff stuck on my skin but you can use an orange stick (well, I don't have an orange stick so I used a shish-k-bob skewer) to smooth between your skin and nail and the polish strip peels right off of your skin. It wasn't as much fun as getting a pedicure by some pretty girl with a low-cut blouse but it was cheaper.

A Shiny New Day

Hey there. Thank you to everyone that commented on yesterday's post. (themom's mention of "at least they can't eat me" was one that I hadn't thought of before but I like it! And the anonymous comment about the serenity saying was good. It would be better to say that to myself than the "CALM DOWN, CRAZY!" that I mentally scream to myself.) I'm typing this as I wait for LittleBrother(11) to get out of school and I may reply to the comments individually later or I might not. I'm going to try and ignore yesterday. At any rate, you are all a great bunch of friends. Today is going well. I have completed all of this paperwork where all sorts of nosy questions were asked and now that the spilling of my guts to strangers is done and in the mailbox, I feel better. There's nothing else that can be asked of me at this point. I'll be glad when it's all over and done with so I can tell you all about it fully. Until then, I will keep taking my 1/2 pill a day to keep me from wigging out. Thank goodness for medication.

Naomi has mentioned Primal Therapy before. I don't have my own padded room, so I've been screaming my guts out when the urge strikes while alone in the car. I think it helps.

I got some stripper nails yesterday to cheer myself. Usually I have a french manicure done but decided to go crazy since I needed a brand new set of nails. The nail tips are clear and it looks like there are tiny mirrors embedded in them. I knew that Sweety would be appalled at my new nails, so I kept my hands hidden for as long as I could. He was on the phone with someone when he noticed them and said something along the lines of what the hell happened to your fingers. They were hard to get used to because they are a lot longer than I normally have them. At bedtime, Sweety decided that he didn't care what the nails looked like because he thoroughly enjoyed the new length. Isn't it nice how if you can link something to good sex that it can generally be forgiven?

Maybe if I give Sweety the best blowjob of his life with Tiny Dog sitting on my pillow, he will welcome her sleeping in our bed? It is worth trying.

I had to get some more spray to put on Stinky Dog to keep her from nibbling. I'd been using the same stuff for a couple of years and I knew that it tastes nasty enough to keep her from licking but there was some new stuff at the pet store and it looked like it might be good. I was afraid it wouldn't taste bad enough though, so I discreetly unscrewed the lid and stuck my finger in and licked it. And immediately started drooling all over the place like a rabid dog. It passed the nasty taste test and was purchased for Stinky's licking pleasure. I had to wait for the drooling to stop before I could go pay for it.

I must go clean our bathroom before the dust bunnies and dog slobber bands together to start a new race that would overtake us all.

Grouchybutt

I'm having a rough time in my head. I know that I talk about a lot of stuff here, but in real life, I'm pretty private. I don't like people to know my business. Not because I have anything to hide, I just don't. Some lovely legal things are coming to a head and I'm having to deal with them now and it is making me crazy. I don't like telling strangers personal things. Records? You wanna know things about me that happened up to 10 years ago? Holy, shit. I can't tell you what I had for breakfast yesterday.

Stressing out over this (and I know I have nothing to worry about, Sweety! i am just speaking the truth but I can't help but be a worrywart!) and loathing going to work have worked together to make me a wreck. I love laying in bed right after I wake up and realizing that The Panic has a grip on me and it feels like a big hand is squeezing my heart and the only way I can breathe is to pant through my mouth and it takes all I have to not crawl into the bathroom and try to hide behind the toilet or under the sink. Sleep? Who needs sleep? Not me! I need nightmares! That's what I need! And to wake up because I'm clenching my jaw so tightly that it hurts and when I stick my thumb in my mouth to break the clench and go back to sleep - I wake up because I'm trying to gnaw my thumb off. Sometimes The Panic sneaks up on me in the middle of the day. I don't think that one should have to concentrate so much on the simple act of breathing. And yes, I am medicated but I don't want to change doses on anything because my medical records are open to the world right now and it is not anyone else's fucking business that I'm temporarily insane. This should all pass in a few months. I can hang in here til then.

Sweety has told me that he knows me well enough to understand how I'm feeling. He does not. He says it's all in my head and that I just need to not worry. Well, yes. No shit. I'm not disputing that. My mental discomfort is manifesting itself in physical ways. He said that my stress is starting to stress him out. I'm sorry. I'll try to tamp it down. Does he think I like worrying about and talking about the same shit that's bugging me over and over? I do not. I know that it bugs him to see me freaking out over nothing. I know that it bugs him to see me eat pills to keep me from freaking out over nothing. And I do not like it, if I am being particularly calm, if you ask if I've had a pill. Why does it matter? Would you rather I didn't eat the pill and rip your throat out with my teeth because I don't like the way you said, "How was your day?".

Sweety has been going out of his way (despite my ranting) to try and help me but there really isn't anything that he can do. I'm just going to have to tie a knot in the end of my rope and hang on.

Gah. I'd like to sit down and eat a whole pot of macaroni and cheese and wash it down with a big glass of sweet tea. And toast. A half loaf of toast would be nice too.

Let's switch gears.

BigBrother(13)'s braces will be removed on Friday and he had to go to the orthodontist today. I've taken him out of school before but when I got to the school, they didn't have my name listed as a contact. Last year, we filled out a contact form and this year, instead of having us fill out a new one, someone at the school typed up a new one for us using the info off of last year's and they left my name off. My phone number was there but not my name. I told the receptionist if she had access to last year's form and looked at it, she would see that my name was on it. She laughed and said that she would not dig for last year's form. She called Sweety and got his permission for me to take BB out of school. The school had also taken the mother's name off of the form so if the COAEW had to get BB from school, Sweety would have to be called first. I have a new form to fill out and return tomorrow. It just annoyed me that it was someone at the school that left information off and she didn't want to find the previous contact form that we had filled out.

Poor Chi Chi. She didn't eat breakfast or dinner on Sunday and she puked her guts out that night. I woke and could tell that the sound she was making wasn't her usual snore. I got her a new blanket and tucked her back in and the next morning she ate her food. Do dog's catch stomach viruses? Maybe that's what she had. She hasn't missed a meal since then. Every now and then, she won't eat and I always freak out because I think she's getting ready to die. She'd never vomited before though. So until she ate the next morning, I was thinking her kidneys were failing or something. I will admit that I actually sniffed her puke to see if it had some sort of odor that I could google to see if it was a sign of something but it didn't smell.

Did you all just hear that? It was my enormous sigh of relief. It's about 8:20 p.m. and I managed to get a bunch of things done today that were stressing me out. Tomorrow should be a good day. I'm going to vegetate with my Sweety.

Hola!

Yesterday's trip to the lake with Chi Chi was a success. She thoroughly enjoyed the good grass and the sunshine. Instead of going to a restaurant afterwards, we went to a doggy boutique where attention was lavished on her and treats were purchased.


We were the only people there for awhile and I noticed that about a half dozen large birds were circling the downtown area and I wondered what was dead there that they might be looking at. About 20 minutes later, I noticed that the birds had moved and were circling us and I wondered what they had their beady little eyes on. When it occurred to me that they might be eyeballing Chi Chi, we packed up and moved out of there.

I took the Chichister home and then went to Sweety's work to meet him for lunch.

You know, I think everyone is entitled to their opinion but when you are eating in a public place, it would be nice if you didn't talk loudly enough to subject everyone to it. There was a lady sitting behind us that did not shut up the entire time we were there. She was telling her companions all about the email she got that told her how unpatriotic Barack Obama is so it must be true! It was so hard to not turn around and say, "Shut up." She had all kinds of stories to tell because she knew someone "high up in the military".

At one point right after she'd said something stupid loudly and Sweety could see that my head was fixing to pop - Sweety loudly states, "Hey! Do you know what I saw on the news last night? There was this guy, Jack and he had a cow to sell! And on his way to the market - someone gave him magic beans for his cow! Can you believe it? Magic beans!" One of the guys sitting with loud lady looked at Sweety and just died laughing.

Let me tell you something else that I don't like. I don't like a smarmy 13 year old telling me who he feels would and would not be a good president based upon what he heard was on the internet. Kid didn't actually read it on the internet himself but heard it was on the internet. His quote was, "If it's on the internet it must be true!". Sweet, tiny, not old enough to vote yet, baby Jesus. Needless to say, BigBrother(13) and I had quite a conversation. He now knows my stance on abortion and gay marriage and I don't think he was pleased with it. At one point he asked me, "Does Dad know who you want to be president?". I told him yes but that just because you're married doesn't mean you have to have the same political views.

See those shot glasses? They are double shot glasses and I purchased them at the neighbor's tupperware-type party a couple of weeks ago. Aren't they pretty? I learned last night that the way to not drink tequila is with double shot glasses. Before you know it, you and your Sweety will have drank the whole freaking bottle. Oddly enough, I didn't have a hangover today. It had been months since I'd drank any of that and fully expected to feel like hammered shit today. It kind of weirds me out that I didn't. I don't think we will buy anymore tequila.

*blink *blink*

Reminders to self:

Crazy cunt that we ate dinner behind.

Gratuitous Chi Chi The Motherfucking Magnificent Photos

Oy....Baby Oy....Why do you snore so loud and why is my phone so far away to set the alarm? Damn. I love my tiny dog.

BLINK!

She Likes My Cooking!

Yummy!

Sweety mentioned something last night that reminded me of this.

When I was a kid, my favorite way to eat hot dogs was frozen. I liked to either slice them in little slivers or scrape the meat off with my front teeth. Kind of like meat ice cream.

Just thought I'd share.

A Date With Chi Chi

I had been trying to decide what I was going to do on Friday when I took the day off. I'd been kicking around the idea of going to the beach to snoop around and Cissy Strutt's latest photo sealed the deal. It made me really want to go to the beach. This morning I was checking to see which beach I could take a canine to and realized that Friday is the start of Bike Week. Which means there will be people elbow-to-elbow and you have to pay to park anywhere. Not the relaxing day I had envisioned. Part of me wants to go to Daytona to walk around and look at bikes and people watch but I know that Sweety would shit his pants all morning long if he knew I was over there.

There's a town nearby that has a downtown area that's close to the lake and on the lake front there is The Best Grass Ever! Whenever I'm there, I must take off my shoes and squish the grass between my toes. If I had grass like this in my yard - I'd sleep on it. I kid you not. I'm thinking that Chi Chi deserves to frolic in TBGE so I'll load her up and go there Friday morning. (unless it's chilly. then we won't go. she won't walk in the cold. just stands there and shivers. i think she needs heat to get her joints moving.) We shall dine at a neat little German restaurant nearby because you can eat on the patio there with your dog. There is also a dog park in the area but Chi Chi isn't much of a socialite so we'll skip that.

*insert title here*

Back in December, the cuntofanexwife made a big deal about wanting to have the boys the whole week of their Spring Break because they were going to rent a cabin and take all 7 kids to Tennessee. It was going to be the very first family vacation that the boys would go on with her. Well, guess what? They're not going.

Sweety and I contemplated making plans for a vacation during that week since the boys would be gone, but decided not to just in case they didn't go somewhere with the coaew and might be at our house for a few days. She called Sweety the other day and told him that the plan to go to TN had fallen through but they were going to call and rent a cabin at Blah-Blah Island. Sweety told me that she hadn't called yet but when she did that she would find that you have to reserve a place there at least 2 years in advance. I just love it when she promises the boys something and doesn't deliver! (I'm being sarcastic here, okay? I don't love it. It pisses me right off.) Maybe someday she will learn that you don't tell kids that you're going to do something if you're not 100% sure that you will follow through. Continual let-downs go towards eroding that little thing called "trust".

I have admitted to Sweety that Tiny Dog is in the bed with me as soon as he leaves for work in the morning. I also told him that a few nights ago (when he was in the bed too), I let her sleep with us and moved her back into her own bed before he woke up. He was very upset to hear about this. Look, I know she's a damn animal but I like her. She's warm. Like a little heated brick in the night. It's nice. People that live in cold states should get a Chihuahua to sleep with in the winter. I am sure their electric bills would go down.

I'm fairly certain that Tiny understands English. We were having some issues last week where she wanted to yip at me in the night to be let into the bed with us but since Sweety wasn't fully asleep, I couldn't bring her up. Under the pretense of scolding her, I took her into the living room and explained that when Papa is at home that she can not be in the bed but that I am more than happy to get her as soon as he leaves. She promptly crawled into bed with Stinky Dog and didn't make a peep until Sweety left for work the next morning. Within 45 seconds of him walking out of the room, she was yapping at me. Her usual "let me in bed" yap is a tiny, quiet yip. This yapping was full-throated screaming with pinned back ears, eyes narrowed to evil slits and her paws were on the bed with her head as close to mine as possible. I think she remembered my promise to put her in the bed after he left and was making sure that I followed through. I did.

There was a meeting this morning at work to let us talk about our new supervisor. She wasn't there, just her supervisor and someone from our human resources department. Since I'm off on Tuesday, they offered to change my schedule so I could go in for the meeting but I told my supervisor that I wouldn't say anything in the meeting anyway because I don't like talking in front of people. She said that I can meet privately with her supervisor and the HR person later. Now that I think about it, it would have probably been a better thing for me to go in with the group and bitch because then maybe my bitching wouldn't stand out so much. I babble when I'm nervous and I could see myself saying something stupid enough to get myself fired during a private meeting. I'm going to have to rehearse what I want to say and then not fill any silence in the room with babbling. Maybe I'll get lucky and they'll forget about meeting with me.

I'm off of work this Friday! Yay! Hip-hip-hooray! I'm taking a vacation day to celebrate Leap Year. I figure since February 29 only comes around every 4 years that it deserves some recognition. To make it even better - that day is also pay day.

I still haven't bought a golf club. The retention pond behind our house has water in it now and I would love to launch some boiled eggs into it. I need to scour some garage sales and find a used club. I want a fat one. I think it's called a wood? Or a driver? I'll know it when I see it.

You Don't Know What You Have Til It's Gone...

Our wireless router box died on Friday. It smelled like burnt popcorn. We got a new one on Saturday and it only took about 7 mother-grabbing hours and countless calls to technical support to get it working. The tech support group at one point told us that we had erased our i.p. address so we wouldn't be able to connect to the internet. WTF?

Sweety did some button pushing and now we are connected again. He honestly doesn't know what he did to make it work but I am just glad that it is. To put it mildly, I was beside myself during the 24 hours that the connection was gone. I haven't figured out how to make the wireless connection secure (this router is a different brand than the old one) and my brain was too fried to deal with it Saturday night. I'll tackle it on Tuesday or Wednesday when I'm off of work.

The desktop computer says that there are no wireless connections in its area but it is connected through our router. Go figure. It must be magic.

Hey, I have a hypothetical situation for you.*

Say that you've had a bit to drink. And on your way home, you run over someone and kill them. Nobody is around to bear witness and the victim is definitely dead.

Do you think you'd be in less trouble with the law if you called the police and they could see that you'd been drinking and driving and killed someone or would you be in less trouble if you went on home and confessed the next day? Told the cops that you fled the scene because you were freaked out and don't mention the drinking so you just have a hit and run charge?

Would a hit and run be less trouble than a driving under the influence charge?

*Totally hypothetical.

I have never even come close to running over someone. Well, maybe I almost ran over some guy's legs once when he was changing a flat tire on the side of the road in the rain but I did not hit him. Made him sit up straight though.

And I don't know anyone who has done such a thing. This is a question that I like to ask Sweety when he's half asleep.

Toes & Tits

The bath bomb made the water pink. I liked that.

You can click on the toes to see the tits. Unless you're my sister. Spare yourself the mental image.

Happy Half Nekkid Thursday!

Happy Wednesday!

I've been busy surviving, not thriving, at my place of employment and it is sucking the life out of me. We have heard that the new supervisor will be the next person promoted in our site because she is Hispanic and a woman and that the site hasn't met the quota of having that sort of person in the position above hers. To be honest, where I work, the minority is white males. You don't see too many of those walking around as supervisors or higher-ups. When our supervisor is finally promoted, I will be the first person standing in line to bake her a cake, wish her well and send her on her merry fucking way. It has occurred to me that there is not one single Asian woman in a supervisor position. I am seriously thinking of climbing the corporate ladder. I feel with my 6+ years of seniority and my Korean blood and girly genes that I should own the place! (not. that would require too much ass kissing and I'm not up for that. ever.)

Have I mentioned that I am beyond ready for a vacation? I am. I have 4 days off in April and I think Sweety and will go somewhere. Or maybe we'll just stay at home. We haven't decided yet. I'm just looking forward to not having to go to work.

I came home from work Monday night and I was soooo thirsty. But there was nothing to drink. Nothing except grapefruit juice. I think grapefruit juice is nasty so I mixed it with gin the help the taste. It was probably not a good idea to start drinking at 10 p.m. I kept going into the bedroom to wake Sweety and bitch about my job. He had to get up at 5 and finally banished me and the dogs from the bedroom so we all slept on the couch. You know, the couch has my butt print on it from where I sit so much because it's so comfy for sitting but for sleeping? Not so much. Tiny and Stinky loved it though. I let them take the cones off of their heads because if I felt them nibbling or licking holes in their bodies, I could give them a little poke to stop.

We got a new thing to hang on the wall this weekend! This is what is used to look like and here it is now! We went into the store and saw this hanging high up on the wall. It was too high up to see the price tag and we decided that was a sign to not even think of getting it. We'd been wandering around the store for a bit and another couple asked to have it taken down so they could look at it. Then I decided if they didn't get it that it was a sign that it was ours. It took them 20 minutes to decide they weren't buying it (I was circling them like a buzzard the whole time.) because they couldn't fit it into their car. Another guy walked up to look at it when they turned away and I ran up and snatched that bitch up and tucked it under my arm the best that I could. Then I carried it to a corner so I could meticulously inspect it for scratches or dings. It was purchased and lovingly wrapped in paper to protect it and we squoze it into the car and came home.

Sweety wasn't feeling very good and went in the house to take some medicine. Usually, I let him to the lifting and moving of things but since he wasn't feeling well and I wanted to get that picture into the house right now and get it on the wall, I decided to carry it in myself.

Sweety stepped into the garage just in time to see me hoist it out of the trunk and whack it on the underside of the garage door. A little piece of me died when my whole body vibrated from the force of smacking it into the door. Of course, the bottom part of the picture got fucked up. But it's not too bad. I was able to kind of slick it down with my finger and you can't tell that it's messed up unless you are close and looking for it.

What Have I Become?

Mama hasn't been blogging because she's been busy making my life a living hell.


I understand her reasoning behind these cones but it doesn't make it any easier. Stinky has a little problem where she will nibble on her tail. And I have a little addiction where I will also nibble on her tail. So the only way for her to get well to is confine me also.

Can you see the anguish on my beautiful face?

First I spend two weeks thinking that some strange dog is moving in with me only to be told that he's not and then I get my own cone! The inhumanity!

I have it on good authority that the biped will resume her regularly scheduled blogging soon.

Agh. I am such a bitch.

Sammy's owner just called me and wanted to know if I still wanted him even though there was a chance that he still had one testicle up in there. I don't understand why they are wanting to get rid of him. They're buying a house so they can take him with them. He's been in their family for 7 years. I told him that to be honest, I'm not looking for another dog (especially a possibly unaltered male) but if he's going to stick the dog in a shelter that I'd take him and love him. He said that they would work something out.

I feel like shit because I insisted on the surgery (which came out to around 550.00 due to the complications.) and now I'm having to tell them I don't really want him. There is a reason though that all of my dogs are female and it's because I don't want the headache of dealing with a male dog that wants to mark his territory all over the place and if he's not fully neutered then that will still be a problem.

I don't think the dog's owner knows that I spoke with his mother about this earlier today. She told me that the company we work for is putting his family up in a hotel for 2 weeks until they can move into their house and that they are even paying a pet deposit to the hotel so they can bring him. So I'm wondering why are they so keen on getting rid of him?

I'm going to go nurse a guilt induced stomach ache.

All About The Canines

Sammy is doing better and started walking around yesterday. His current owners are going to keep him since they were able to buy a house. It turns out that the veterinarian didn't remove the one testicle that he found. The vet said when he got in there, he saw the one testicle and decided to look for the other one. After 2 hours, Sammy's vital signs were all dropping and he didn't have time to remove the one nut that was available. Okay, I just talked to Sammy's owner and one nut did come out. I still feel horrible that the poor little guy has been through so much but I'm glad he's going to be okay and gets to stay with his family.

And do you know what I know now? Sweety's dog saturation level. Now I know that Sweety would live in a house with 4 dogs. Maybe someday I will move in another sweet Chihuahua. I miss puppy breath.

Tiny Dog is in the first stage of patellar luxation. It's where her knee pops out of socket sometimes. At this point it pops back into place on its own within moments or if I see it happen, I'll pick her up and put it back into place. If your dog is overweight and this is happening it can be helpful if it loses weight. So Tiny is on a diet to lose 2 pounds. Hopefully, this will keep her from needing a ridiculously expensive surgery later on. While I'm at it, Chi Chi is on a diet too because she has arthritis and the less she weighs the better it is on her joints. You'd think I was starving them to death with the way they carry on! They have taken to taking turns licking sticky crumbs out of Stinky's food bowl when she is done. It makes cleaning up easier for me.

The Sleep That Only Mashed Potatoes Brings

I know this photo isn't much different from the many other photos of my sleeping canines but I like it.

On a completely unrelated note - Holy shit. I love Rob & Big.

Odds & Ends

I still haven't heard anything about Sammy. His owner's mom works with me and she was out sick for the past two days. Sweety has been fucking with me and saying that she was gone because she was busy digging a grave for Sammy. Thanks, Sweety. I'm going to call her tomorrow and see how she and Sammy are doing.

Tonight I am going over to the neighbor's house for a tupperware-type party. (This neighbor is friends with the cuntofanexwife and I am keeping my fingers crossed in the hope that she will not be there.) I decided it would be good for me to venture into suburbia and socialize with other people. I haven't decided yet if I'll eat a xanax and have a glass of gin before I go. When I get home - definitely.

Sweety and I went for a walk last Wednesday night. 3.7 miles. That's a lot of walking for a sweet potato that only goes from her car to her cube farm. My legs are still sore. We are doing it again tonight and tomorrow too. When we took off on the walk, I was really hating Sweety's guts because he was making me exercise and I was giving serious thought to kicking his right kneecap off. (Because it was the one closest to me and I knew I'd only get one good kick in and then I'd have to run.) By halfway through the walk, I was too tired to be mad anymore.

My favorite time of day right now is when I wake up. Usually I'm not a morning person but I've been having problems breathing lately (it feels like there is a snotwad of a small frog in the back of my throat and I can't get it out with any amount of hacking) and when I wake up I'm able to spit out a nice wad of something. It makes me feel good. Like my body is doing something for me by collecting that shit in the night and putting it in one easy spot so it can be sent rocketing into the sink. Good grief. I look forward to spitting out snot. That's just weird.

Chi Chi jumped onto my lap the other night! Usually, she very carefully creeps up onto it but she reared back and leapt onto it in one motion. She landed right on Tiny Dog and scared the hell out of her. Have you ever seen a Tiny Dog trying to get away from a smaller Dog of Doom that has fallen from the sky? Funny stuff.

LittleBrother(11) and I finally saw I Am Legend this weekend. It was okay. Sweety and BigBrother(13) didn't go with us because they don't like scary movies. We went to the Flea Market to browse around and then to the bookstore before going to the show. LB has taken a huge interest in gemstones and wanted a book about them. I was so pleased that he was actually asking to go to the bookstore that I couldn't get us there quick enough! We ended up with a book from the New Age section of the bookstore that lists the healing properties of the gems and whatnot. I really don't care what the kid reads as long as he's reading something!

Ha! Let me tell you about something that happened at the Flea Market....

LB and I were methodically making our way up and down the aisles and going into shops and we came to them if they caught our eye. Up ahead, I see an adult novelty store and I'm steering LB to the other side of the aisle because I just don't even want to look at him up against a backdrop of scantily clad mannequins that are holding whips and things. We get closer to the store and he says, "Cool! Look at this!" and runs up the stockade that the novelty store has sitting in their doorway with ropes and things hanging off of it and sticks his head and hands through the wooden holes. I just died laughing and we did get a couple of strange glances from people walking by.

Quote of the day: If lightening hit her right now - I'd walk over and do CPR. I'd suck the life right out til her lung was in my mouth and then I'd chew a hole in it.
Yeah, the coaew is still a 110% dumbass.

Woot! Woot!

Bekah is one of my favorite people. She's short. I like to pat her head.

This was when Tiny and I went road tripping last summer. We must do it again!

A Few Quick Things

Sammy isn't doing so good. His neutering did not go well. I guess only one testicle had descended and the vet spent 2 freaking hours rooting around in the dog's abdomen looking for the other one before giving up. Maybe Sammy just had one nut? Maybe the vet could have looked for it using ultrasound instead of just poking around in his innards for that length of time? I dunno. I do know that poor Sammy has only peed once in the past 5 days and doesn't move around at all. I feel so guilty. And do you know what the real kicker is? You know, Sammy was being fixed because I said we'd only take him if he was fixed? And we were taking him because his family was moving and were afraid they wouldn't be able to rent a new house if they had a dog?

Well, instead of renting - they are buying a house. This means that more likely than not, Sammy won't be coming here to stay if he lives anyway. Ain't that some shit? You have no idea how bad I feel about this.

The place I mentioned the other day, Candle Dippers? The owner noticed that hits were coming from here and gave me a discount code for anyone to use. The code is 756ce4 and it can be used once per person for 15% off of your total order. I'm going to scoop up some more things from there. I've decided that from now on, Chi Chi will be bathed in flea soap and that will be followed by Orange Pomegranate shower gel. I so wish you could sniff her.

Sweety cleaned out the attic today. It is full of stuff from when the boys were babies. Toys, baby furniture, stuffed animals and so on. He didn't toss everything out because he just couldn't bear to part with some of the things. (I tried to take photos of the pile of things that he was crying over before throwing them out but he said he would kill me if I did.) One thing he didn't get rid of was the bassinet-cradle thing. I guess if I ever have our own little dirt urchin, it will spend the first few weeks of its life in it.

I must go now. LittleBrother(11) and I are going to do some running around!

A Good Fish

Happy HNT!

You can click it for the colorized version.

Sometimes It's Creepy In My Head

I'm going to share a couple of things that I think about. These might be considered weird things to wonder about but I think that we all think about strange things but not everyone talks about them.

Have you ever seen a guy do that trick with his penis where he tucks it all in his nutsack and it looks kind of like a giant bellybutton? I wonder how many large marshmallows you could poke in there once the weenie is turned inside-out? I'm going to have to get Sweety drunk and conduct a science experiment.

I know that I've mentioned that Chi Chi has a giant coochie. I can't help but sometimes wonder what could be crammed in there. (gently and with lubrication, of course) I'm thinking she could take at least 3 chocolate M&M's with no problem. Maybe one of the peanut kind.

Bitch is Crazy

What did she spend 10 minutes barking her guts out at? If you look closely at her butt, you can see that she was straining hard enough to almost shit herself.




After seeing Chi Chi get this worked up over her own shadow, you can imagine what it's like when an actual living being invades her comfort zone.

This Isn't An Advertisement!

The dogs have all been eating the stuff that I was hand-feeding Chi Chi for just a couple of weeks and there is a definite difference in them. Stinky's shedding is waaay down. There aren't nearly as many dog hair tumbleweeds blowing about the place and Chi Chi is running sometimes! She has started eating the stuff when it is mixed with yogurt out of the bowl by herself. It just took a few days for her to get used to it, I guess. I'll take the bowl and put it on the ground and she'll get a few licks in then I'll move the bowl across the room and she will flat scamper to it. I move it a few times. I think the exercise is good for her. The Doggy Fountain of Youth is called Dinovite and it will be a staple in the canines diets from now on.

As you may know, the dogs (Stinky and Tiny) have their beds in our bathroom. One of the main things that will sell me on a body wash or bath soap is if it smells really strong. Strong enough so that when I get out of the shower or tub, the room smells like the soap instead of a ready-to-mildew dog. I have found my soap Nirvana. Candle Dippers has fantastic shower gel, cold pressed soap, body mousse (just a tiny dab makes you super soft) and sheafoliate that smells freaking great. (oh, and the candles there are really strong smelling too!) They also have an air freshener spray that is amazing. It takes one squirt per room to make the house smell yummy. I'm partial to the Orange Pomegranate smelling stuff. One bar of the Orange Pomegranate soap has been set aside to bathe the dogs in. I will sniff Chi Chi afterwards until I pass out.

So, do any of you all have something that works really well that I might want to try? I am easily influenced by my peers.

How I Loathe Thinking Up Titles!

See the ring on the right? I love the style and had been eyeballing if for awhile and Sweety surprised me with at Christmas. I wore it once and the stone came loose. It only has a prong holding it in at the top and the bottom of the stone just rests in the gold loop at the bottom. So we took it back and I got the one on the left yesterday. It doesn't set as high off of my finger so hopefully it won't be as easy to whack into things. It's circled by little chocolate diamonds. Very sparkly. And it came with a lifetime warranty so if I do accidentally smack it into something and the stone gets chipped or a diamond falls out, it is covered.


I took the old ring back a couple of weeks ago and LittleBrother(11) very quickly noticed that it wasn't on my dresser. I told him that I took it back because it wasn't sturdy enough and he wanted to make sure that when I got a replacement that it would have the same kind of stone in it (his and BigBrother's birthstone). I told him it would and he's asked me a few times if I've gotten my new ring yet. I think he likes that I have a ring with his birthstone in it. I'll have to show it to him the next time they are here.

I'd like to take LB and run off to Mexico. When he's alone, he is such a good kid. It's only when his brother is there to pick at him that I want to poke my eardrums out. He should be finished reading I Am Legend by next weekend and me and him are going to watch the movie then. Well, shit. I just read on wiki how the movie ends and it is totally different from the book. I am so glad that LB is reading the book before we see the movie.

BB was taken to the science fair yesterday by his mother. I am glad. He didn't place but I'm glad that he went.

Sammy will be coming to stay with us! He was neutered on Friday and should be with us within the next few days. He has some quirks because he has pretty much never been outside. He's only trained to potty on paper but I have faith that after a few weeks, he won't be terrified when he goes outside and at some point will get the hang of pissing out there. Please send us all of the positive housebreaking thoughtbeams that you can muster.

Saturday Night Gratuitous Photo Post

All hail Chi Chi!

I am sure that life as we know it will stop when she dies. Like the planet will get sucked into a black hole or something. You all should be happy that you can live your lives without the stress of keeping its center alive.

Who Knew?

Did I ever tell you about the time I went to a psychic? I don't think so. This post over at themom's reminded me of it.

It was in January of 2000. A friend of mine had told me about this lady that could supposedly tell you your future based on your palm and card reading. I'd never really been to anyone like that and my friend was all gung-ho about it so I decided to go.

When I got there, I didn't tell the little old lady anything about me except for my name. I even took off all of my jewelry so as to not give clues about myself.

She started off by laying out some cards from a regular deck and pretty much told me what was going on in my life. That she could see that I was working 2 jobs and one of them had me sitting hidden in stacks of paper. And that the wife of the much older man I was having an affair with was most unhappy and it was going to end horribly for everyone involved. (As if that sort of situation could end any other way!)

She asked me if I had any questions and I told her I wanted to know if I was going to meet a man worth meeting anytime soon. She looks at my palm and flips some more cards around and says, "You will meet a man within a couple of months and he will be the one for you. It will be like bam! You don't know him now. He's a little bit older than you and very tall eyes that go hazel to green. He has two sons and they aren't babies." Now, when she told me this, I thought she was out of her mind because I had no plans on meeting anyone with a couple of kids and I promptly put what she said out of my mind.

A couple of weeks after I met Sweety, (this was about 3 months after my visit to the lady), it hit me that he was the person she'd described when he mentioned that his eyes changed colors. We'd already decided to get married so it's not like he told me that and I latched on to him because of what she had told me.

Weird, huh? The boys really like the story about how the psychic told me about them before I even knew of them.