Sweety: Hey, what's up?
Me: Just left the doctor's office and I'll be home soon. I peed in a cup for him and he saw something funny and wants me to go pee in a cup at a lab.
Sweety: Oh. What did they see?
Me: Protein and bacteria. A small bit of protein and a tiny bit of bacteria. He said those things shouldn't be there.
Sweety: Protein in your urine...Hmmm..That means your kidneys are going rotten. You're going to need to have one taken out.
Me: Dude, shut the hell up! I'm keeping my organs!
Sweety: I bet your kidneys are all fucked up. One's probably the size of a plum and the other's all dried up like a raisin. You can't have one of my kidneys.
Me: I don't want one of your stinking kidneys. There's nothing wrong with mine!
Sweety: You know, it hurts like hell when they take a kidney out...Hurts like a motherfucker.
Me: Hey! I'll tell them to leave a little opening and not sew me up all the way. Then you can fuck my kidney hole!
Sweety: Oh, well that goes without saying.
Me: I've just made myself sick with my last comment. Love you. Gotta go.
If you've ever had the urge to see someone breastfeed a cat, here is your chance.
bekah said...Sweet Jesus, you are some fucked up mother fuckers.
(And I totally mean that in a "I love you" sort of way.)
Joey Polanski said...Protein AN bacteria in yer pee?
Souns bofe nutritious AN toxic!
Amy said...OMG... seriously Chickie, you people have got to like... I dunno, spend a weekend viewing nothing but Disney movies or something because... well, you guys are just plain freaky.
In a good way. ;o)
And, I am SO not saying that because you obviously have WAY more sex than I do and I am completely jealous. Honest. ;o)
said...OMG, first he wont let you share in the weenie shaking or pointing, now he wont even cough up a kidney for you! And then he wants to fuck the new kidney entry/wasted kidney exit hole! What a savage you have there!!! So glad you two kids are in love! I am sure you won't be needing the kidney Sweetie won't be giving up, thus ensuring that he won't get to screw a new hole.
Prayers and good thoughts to you.
AuntieRob
Midwestern City Boy said...I'm sure your kidneys are fine, and, if not, they've got meds for most ailments these days. Sweety on the other hand...
Chickie said...Bekah - Awwww, you're so sweet. I love you too!
Joey Polanski - I'm gonna start marketing it as a diet/energy drink.
Amy - If we spent a weekend viewing happy movies, I'd probably puke. Sweety actually turned on some chick flick awhile back and I was like "What the hell is wrong with you?" Maybe he's trying to make us more gentle people.
I bet if you offered your husband a kidney hole he'd jump right on it.
AuntieRob - I think if I insisted, then I could get him to cough up a kidney. I'm sure whatever's going on in my guts it's no big deal. If it was, I'd have been hiding under the bed and sucking my thumb instead of blogging about it. Thank you for the prayers and thoughts!
MCB - Sweety is a lot of fun. I wasn't really surprised by his reaction to my offering of an open wound for sex.
Mike said..."Fuck my kidney hole." I think I'll google that and see what comes up. Seriously fucking funny Chickie. I hope it all turns out okay.
anne arkham said...Yeah, now whenever someone searches "fuck my kidney hole" your site's gonna come up.
bekah said...Who other than Mike would search for "fuck my kidney hole" to begin with?
Oh, and btw, I'd gladly offer my kidney up to you if 1. You paid all my medical expenses and 2. I got plenty of [paid] time off of work. Deal?
Chickie said...Mike - Since you mentioned it, I had to google it. I didn't find anything too disturbing.
Anne Arkham - That search phrase is preferable to some of the weird shit that's brought people here.
Bekah - If it boils down to it and I ever need a kidney and yours isn't suffering from Rum Rot, I'll gladly take it.
I really don't think it's a big deal. I think my doctor is just erring on the side of caution.
Cynthia Antoinette said...Aaargh! I hate peeing in doctor's cups. I don't know but there's just something wrong about it. Then again there have been a few times they've saved my butt. Still....
Chickie said...Artemis - You know what made it really bad? I'd had asparagus the night before so it was asparagus pee. I was so embarrassed.
The Phosgene Kid said...All right, decayed kidnies and borderline beastiality all in one Blog!!
Good to hear your boyfriend is so supportive. Maybe you shoudl remove one of his kidnies while he is sleeping and see how funny he thinks it is the next morning.
Chickie said...The Phosgene Kid - I try to hit a wide variety here on the blog.
Eh, Sweety's my husband now so I guess he can get away with being a bit off sometimes. If he was my boyfriend, he'd have probably already ran me off. I have perfected the "accidental" poke to the kidney area while I'm "sleeping".
Sassy said...Hmmm fun with a kidney hole..interesting. And I'm sooo skeered and not sure I want to click on the link to see someone bf a cat...but it's like a trainwreck...I know I'm gonna look eventually...LOL!
Chickie said...Sassy - It was such a trainwreck that I had to watch it twice.
OldOldLady Of The Hills said...LOL, LOL, LOL! I have REALLY REALLY Missed your caustic funnyness, dear Chickie...Good To Be Back Here!!
I dearly hope there is nothing wrong with your kidneys and that whatever it is, you won't need to attack Sweety for a replacement part. (lol) Love You!
Zube Girl said...HAHAHAHA! You are so awesomely disturbing. I love it. HA! I'm going to tell Zube Boy to fuck my kidney hole tonight just to see the look on his face.
Chickie said...OOLOTH - I'm sure all is well with me. I'm to mean to die right now. Glad to see you back around!
Zube Girl - Do let me know how it goes! I don't think it's something most men expect to ever hear.
