Snoop With Me

alternate title: Now you know how strange I really am.

I spent a some time at my friend Elaine's house when I was on vacation a few weeks ago. Her Mama has recently went to stay in an assisted living place and her house is next door to Elaine's. She knows how fond I am of snooping and offered up Mama's house for my snooping pleasure.

I'd planned on going over there and spending a few hours leisurely poking through drawers but time got away from me and it got to be my last day there. I usually go to the place that I used to work at in Texas to say hi to some people and it was either go say hi or snoop.

Snooping won.

Elaine actually went to work and told everyone that I blew them off to snoop through Mama's house. I wish she hadn't done that. Now everyone really knows what a whackjob I am.

You can learn lots of things by snooping.

Mama's cupboard is very neat and orderly. Not surprising because she is one very put together lady. Whenever I see her she's always cute. Even if she's just in the yard or something.

It appears that she has a fondness for shampoo samples, soap samples & germX. It is good to be clean.

I was also able to see where Elaine gets her love of Clinque products. See that little white thing in the bottom of the photo? That's a little brush that folds out. Elaine had one and gave it to me last year after I organized her towel closet.

When I first got to her house, E was showing me around and pointing out places that I might want to snoop in. She told me if there was anything that I wanted to let her know. She was a few steps ahead of me in the hallway and I pointed at something hanging on the wall and said that I liked it just as she said "anything except Grandma's fan. Of course, I was pointing at Grandma's fan. That is something that she has to keep with her but she said I can have it when she dies. Elaine is 25 years older than me and has said that when I'm her age that she probably won't be around. I prefer to think that she'll live to be at least 100.

Poking through a clothing drawer, I found these things. My first thought was that they were urinal cakes. But why would a little old lady keep urinal cakes? Were they some sort of souviner? When I got brave enough to touch one I realized it was fancy soap. Not a urinal cake.

This was something I thought was really neat. They are brooches that belonged to E's Grandma and they are just stuck into that thing. Like a decorative pincushion. Very pretty.

Mama also had tons of jewelry. There was a brown drawer full of it and also a red drawer. I'd never seen so much dress-up stuff before.

She had a plate collection on one wall with some really neat plates. The oriental one was my favorite. For some reason, these figurines and jar really caught my eye. As I looked at the figures, I made up a short story about what they were doing. (He was asking her to dance and she didn't want to. She was getting ready to hide in the white jar.)

This is E's senior portrait. She doesn't want it because she says "why would I want to hang up a photo of myself" and I told her I'd take it and put it up because I love it.

I didn't get to have a relaxing snoop because time was short. It was maybe a good 20 minutes and I giggled like a lunatic the whole time. She had some cedar chests that I would have liked to have gotten into and I didn't even peek into the boxes in the closet. Maybe next year.

What, Do I Look Like A Leper?

Perhaps I have mentioned my OCD at dinner tables? When dining out, I like to have everything tidied away. When a friend came down a couple of weeks ago we went to Joe's Crab Shack and it was the best dining experience ever. I ordered crab legs and they came to you in a giant bucket. That giant bucket was turned into my trash bucket and not only were the crab leg shells plopped in there but also the used napkins and whatnot. Friend told me that when she saw the waitress set the bucket down and saw the gleam in my eye that she knew exactly why I was so pleased.

I go back to Joe's today and get the same waitress and she remembers me. Remembers me as the girl who liked having a trash can at the table. She even said, "Yeah! I remember you! With the touch of OCD!" And then she wanted to have a conversation about why I was eating alone.

Going places alone doesn't usually bug me. Until other people point it out and then it makes me feel like a total fucking loser.

Conversation with Sweety...

What did you do today?

Ate at Joe's Crab Shack.

Alone?

Yes. The crab was very good. And the dessert was tasty.

You actually sat down and ate alone?

Yes. Don't I need to fucking eat even if I'm alone?

Wow. Wish I had a picture of that.

WTF? So thanks, Sweety. Not only did the waitress make me feel like an outcast, you did too.

I took the plunge and got my own domain to host the blog from. I'm still figuring out how things work so it will be a bit before the move is made. I've spent the last two days at the computer just playing with things and finding out what I need to do. Right now, I'm in the self-taught class for WordPress Plugins: Making Those Bitches Work.

Finishing off with some photos of the Tasha Bean aka Stinky Dog. She didn't really want to pose for me at first but she perked up when she heard that she was secretly Cissy's favorite. She likes to look happy for her fans. She said to let you know that you can click the photos to view her in her full splendor.

Life Plan

Aunt Anna? I already have all of my careers planned out.

Plan A. Be an Olympic gold medal swimmer.

Plan B. Be a treasure hunter.

Plan C. Open a little Korean restaurant.

It's good to know that she's thinking ahead.

Saturday Night! See It Unfold!

A little piece of me just died. Sweety insisted that we watch some of P. Diddy's video blogs. Don't ask me how in the fuck that happened. Now he is walking around the house saying to me, "That's Uncle Sean to you, bitch." He'll be lucky if I don't pluck his tongue out.

I'm trying to teach Tiny Dog to ring a bell whenever she needs to take a shit. So far, so not good. I ring the bell like a loon whenever I want her to go outside and say "outside!" in a chipper tone and she looks at me like I'm crazy. Surely she will catch on soon and make things easier by signaling her desire to piss outside instead of sneakily on a rug.

She knows I'm talking about her. I'm getting the evil eye.

Speaking of evil...

Do you think she looks creepy in this picture?


My sister said it looks like she's smiling evilly and she thinks if Tiny could move her toes that she'd give Sweety the finger in this photo.

Football is on the t.v. right now. Woo hoo.

Oh good. The team he wanted to win did.

Hi, Stinky Dog with the bloody ass! How are you? Oh, your hindquarters are sore where you chewed them today for the first time in forever? I'm sorry that you're an allergy ridden mess. Surely your new meds will go to work soon.

Niiice. I launched her onto the couch and she positioned herself so her medicated, bloody ass is touching me. Gack. At least she isn't nibbling anymore. I think we nipped it in the bud.

I finally get brave and install an instant messenger service on my computer and my instant messagee isn't online. Drat.

Sweety decided to do some reorganizing today. He took this little cabinet thing that had been in the garage and moved it onto the back porch. I was watching him through the door when he opened the cabinet and a swarm of fucking palmetto bugs came out and rushed him. As he fell back, I screamed and hid in the bathroom. He won. For a while, it looked like the Trail of Tears on the back porch but it was giant dying bugs. All of the rain we've had the past week or so really drove them in. I'm glad they used the garage cabinet as an apartment instead of moseying on inside.

Hey! I just remembered! Sweety has a long sheet of big-bubble bubbled wrap in the garage and it is positioned under his tire. He is going to run the car over it for me later.

No work for me for the next two days! Wootie woot!

It is now 11:38 p.m. and when I said earlier that Sweety's football team won? I was wrong. That must have been the end of the first quarter or something. The game is now over and they really did win. I'm not too up on football.

For the love of Dog, people!

She had her moment to shine and now it is my turn! Bask in my glory, bipeds!


I hear that the bitch Chi Chi is on vacation and Mama can't wait for her to come back. What the hell is up with that? I am a far superior dog. As proof, I present to you my sack - it is the larger one on the right. How can a better dog fit in a smaller sack?


I will tell you how. It can't. I am bigger, therefore, I contain more doggy goodness. End of discussion.

Miscellany

Someone close to me^* got some really disheartening news today concerning their employment status and how their employer of several years views them. I am madder than a hornet's nest. It really goes to show that you can give 120% and still be told "fuck off" in the end. I'm not really sure how this will all be dealt with. There are a couple of options at this point. I'm a big fan of signs. Like, "if things go this way then I will do this" sort of thing. If things go well tomorrow in regards to something pretty major, then I will relax. I have a funny feeling that things won't go the way that we'd like though. We shall see.

My schedule this week has been all weird. Instead of working four 10 hour days, I'm doing five 8 hour days. Monday through Friday. This is because I had to do some training for 3 days this week. When I got this job (too fucking long ago) it was described as customer service. You call me when you have a late fee or don't recognize something on your bill. Now, we're having to deal with internet issues. I am so not looking forward to those kinds of calls.

The boys have begged us to let them ride their bikes to school for the past couple of years and we didn't let them because they were going to different schools and it was just as easy for us to pick them up from school. This is the first (and only) year that they will be in middle school together and we told them this summer that they could ride their bikes this year. They have been so excited.

The first day of school got here and they went to school and filled their backpacks with roughly 30 pounds of books apiece. They hadn't been able to ride their bikes yet because school had been closed due to the tropical storm and their schedules weren't set. They decided yesterday that they won't ride their bikes because their backpacks are too heavy. They're afraid that they'll turn turtle when going around a curve. They get lockers at school (that you have to freaking pay for) but are only allowed to go to them during certain times of the day so they end up carrying all of their stuff. It sucks.

Chi Chi 2.0 should be returning from her vacation soon. They said they'd contact me a couple of weeks before she was ready to get the final payment and they did that in the last week or so. I'm really hoping that it looks like she's sleeping and not just a dead dog in the corner.

One of my friends in Texas was one of Chi Chi's early owners and she has Chi Chi's registration papers tucked away somewhere. She will send them to me when she finds them. That is when I will be ready for a new dog. I'm going to try and track down one of Chi Chi's relatives.

^*Like sleeping in the next room close to me.

Nocturnal Fun

I know that I've mentioned that Sweety sometimes talks in his sleep. Last night, I took it to a whole new level.

For about the past 4 or 5 nights, I'll think that we are having a real conversation and then he'll start talking about crazy shit and I'll realize that he is dreaming.

He spooned up against me last night and cranked up the following conversation.

You really do hate Tom Cruise don't you?

Yes. Yes, I do.

Why? Whyyyyy? Do you hate him?

I think he's a crazy little fucker and I have no use for him.

So you don't like any of his movies?

Nope.

Color of Money?

Never seen it but I don't like it.

How can you say that when you haven't seen it? You really do have a black heart for Tom Cruise. I feel sorry for him. He will die soon.

And now we have maybe a minute's worth of silence.

What do you want?

Huh?

What do you really want the most?

At this point I'm trying to decide if he's awake or not because he does like to poke at me about my disdain for Tom Cruise so maybe he is truly awake. I decide to conduct an experiment.

A bottled water from the icebox.

A bottled water is what you want the most?

Yes. Would you get me one, please?

I'm thinking if he's really asleep that he'll just roll over and maybe pretend to get a water from and imaginary icebox. Instead he sits up and I think, "Oh, shit. He's awake! I'm gonna have to drink all of that damn water!". He gets out of bed and crashes into the wall. That's when I realize that he it asleep.

I follow him into the kitchen and when he opens the icebox, I flip on the light and ask him what the hell he's doing. I can see the look of surprise on his face and when he answers it's in a small, pitiful voice.

Getting you a water?

Why?

No reply.

Why are you getting me a water?

Um, I dunno...

At this point I am laughing hysterically and he is standing there naked and confused.  He runs whimpering back to bed. I go back and tell him of the conversation we've been having.

We are laying there for about 10 minutes and he pipes up.

I'm scared to go back to sleep. What if I wake up and I'm driving naked to the beach?

Don't worry. I'll protect you.

No you won't! You just made me do a trick!

That was before I realized that your unconscious self needed protecting. I won't do that to you again.

I can't wait to see what sort of fun tonight's bedtime holds.

Doh!

For the past few weeks at work, I've noticed a door with a sign on the outside that said "Contemplation Room". I'm always on the lookout for a place to nap and I started peeking into it.

There is a tiny round table, a chair and a rug. That's it.

I'd looked in there a few times the past couple of weeks and it had always been empty. I decided to make myself at home in there today on my lunch break and take a nap.

I turned the sign on the door to read "in use" and went inside and put my purse on the table.

That is when I realized that there was a listing of times on the noteboard on the wall.

Oh. Nice. I guess you have to sign up to come in here and nap! Wonder who I need to talk to about getting on the list?

Why is there a little oriental rug on a floor that is already carpeted? Maybe I could nap on it?

I'm poking the rug around with my toe when it dawns on me that the room is set up for Islamic folks to have somewhere to do their praying. The times on the noteboard are the times of the day that they're supposed to pray.

Unfortunately, the door didn't lock so I smoothed the rug down and left.

I didn't want to be napping in there and have someone wanting to get their Salat on bust in on me.

A Sweaty Ball Of Fury

That's me.

Sweaty and furious.

The Fury descended at about 2 a.m. last night and I'm having a hard time tamping it down. I don't know why I'm so pissed.

Sweety and I were being all romantic when I started feeling mad. So I did really mean things to him last night and he loved every minute. I thought that I'd be calmer today when I woke but I'm not. I feel super alert. Super alert and ready to flip out with the slightest bit of provoking.

It doesn't help that I had to go to motherfucking Wal-Mart twice today. Are you required to have a head injury in order to work there? I think so.

I went to 3 separate stores looking for those black and white composition notebooks and couldn't find a one. The kids will have to do without those til some can be tracked down.

I remember when I was a kid and the only school supplies we needed were paper, pencils and crayons or colored pencils. We have 3 pages of shit between the boys of stuff that they need.

I guess the boys are a little put out because they didn't get brand spanking new shoes for school. BigBrother(13) has a pair that's been worn maybe two or three times and LittleBrother(11) has a pair that belonged to BB but were barely worn. BB's have a tiny scuff on the toe and he doesn't like that. A. SCUFF. ON. THE. TOE. OF. THE. SHOE. I told Sweety to give that shoe to BB and tell him to fuck himself with it and wear the damn thing. Shoes are made to get dirty. You know, because they are on the ground and all.

I can't believe that I told Sweety to tell a 13 year old kid to fuck himself and am telling you about it. I blame The Fury.

8/18/8 12:16 a.m.

In the 2.5 hours since writing the last sentence, I've had:

2 pieces of toast with honey butter and a glass of milk.

A shower.

2 melatonin.

2 Aleve.

I no longer feel like kicking someone in the head just for the hell of it. Phwew.

Wootie Woot

It's Friday night! Well, it's really Saturday morning but whose who's counting? Hey, did I use "whose" right there? Mebbe.

Polishing off a mixture of ginger ale and Crown Royal that is 6 weeks old. It ages well.

I think Sweety is watching the Olympics. All I see are some running motherfuckers.

I think if I can get Sweety drunk enough that he will let Tiny Dog sleep with me.

Why is he tweaking his own nipple?

Sometimes when I'm really aggravated - I think JFK! or KFC! as short for Jesus Fucking Christ. I know Christ starts with a C and not a K and I don't know why I'd think of Kentucky Fried Chicken when I'm pissed. Is this subliminal?

Hey. Looking at that. JFK could be John F. Kennedy, huh?

Agh, KFB. What an asshole. Sweety likes to push my buttons.

We washed Tiny Dog 5 days ago and I put some perfume that I got as a sample on her and you can still smell it. Bitch is supernatural. Or Stella perfume really kicks ass. I'm leaning towards Tiny being supernatural. I wore Stella once but still needed a bath after only one day.

Heh. I just sucked the last of the soda out of the bottle. The only things left to drink in the house are a couple of sips of Gatorade and some Bacardi 151.

Do you twitter? You need to follow my sister. She's tickles me.

Hahahahaha! I think Sweety is going to bed! Do you know what this means? I can skip my shower and take one in the morning AND take Tiny Bed to dog with me! I'll have to wait til I hear him snore though.

Do you think it's weird if you let your dog stick its head in your mouth? I think that as long as her fur doesn't touch the inside of my mouth that it's okay. Some folks think it's odd.

1:32 and all is weeeeelllll! Night.

Lazy Thursday

Tiny Dog is on a supplement for her leg that likes to flop out of socket. She just started taking it but hopefully it will work and we won't have to go the surgical route. The pills are huge. Really big. She takes 1/2 of one and I have to chop it in half or thirds to hide it in food for her.

Tonight as I was chopping up the pill, I had a huge urge chop it up like cocaine and then use my driver's license to put it in neat rows and then see if she would snort it. Lucky for her, the urge subsided while I was digging around in my purse for the license and I just mixed it up with her food instead. But I wonder? Could she be forced trained to snort the shit? That would be so much easier than hiding it in food. Sometimes she finds it and spits it out. That infuriates me. I'm just trying to make you feel better. Eat it! Eat it!

When I lived in Texas, I worked the overnight shift in the office at a big box retailer's distribution center. There I met one of my dearest buddies (S) and she's still with the same company. We might not talk on the phone for months at a time but when we do talk, it's like we just spoke yesterday. She's in FL for work for a couple of weeks and she came here on her days off. She got here Tuesday night and we took the boys and NeighborGirl to Sea World yesterday. NG and the boys went off on their own and rode rides while S and I did the shows and walked all over the place. She had to leave this morning but it was so good to see her. This is the first time she's been to my house down here and the first time she's met the boys. LittleBrother(11) really took to her and wanted to hang out whenever we were sitting around talking. That surprised me because he usually hides from strangers.

I took today as a vacation day because S and I had planned on going to the beach but the weather didn't cooperate this morning so she just went back to her hotel that's a few hours away. I think I was still tired from all the walking yesterday because the girls and I napped on the couch for the larger part of the day.

It's official - I can't eat jalapeno peppers like popcorn anymore. I swear, every time I've been to the bathroom today - Stinky Dog lays down in the line of sight of the doorway and Tiny Dog humps the hell out of her. It's kind of unsettling to try and do violent business in the bathroom with the "tap-tap-tap-tap" sound that Tiny's back feet make on the floor while she's humping. Very surreal.

I better go. Sweety just called and he's on his way home. I need to bathe and try to look presentable. Or clean at the very least.

It's Good To Be Clean

Let's say your wife meets someone on the internet and really likes them. Wants to be their friend because they have cool dogs. And she goes on vacation to meet internet friend and the first night they are alone - they hot tub together. Naked as the day is long.

Would this bug you?

It really bugged the shit out of Sweety last year. This year, we took photos to demonstrate just how large the tub is. It's not like we were even touching in there.




In that second photo, she's in an odd position because she fell in the tub when running to get back in after pushing the camera button. (That is also why we were cackling.) The tub was so big that we didn't even touch when she slid in like a race car into the pit.

You know what can really give a bubble bath a somber tone? When you look over at your tubmate and see that they are crying uncontrollably during the last part of the movie Titanic. I didn't want to openly gawk at her sobs so I peeked at her in the mirrors instead. I cry at movies. Little leaking tears. With Bekah, it was like she'd just fallen down and scraped both of her knees and both elbows.

We had a large time. Friday night we planted ourselves at the bar after drinking lots of rum in our room. That was the night that I helped Bekah have her first earplug experience. We put them in and then couldn't hear each other talk so we twittered and texted each other until we went to sleep. She decided that earplugs weren't for her because she didn't like the sound of her heartbeat. That sound reassures me that I'm still alive and makes it easier to fall asleep.

On Saturday night, we stayed in our room and played cards while drinking lots of rum. (Um, if I remember correctly, I let her win.) Right after we got in the tub that night, our phone started to ring but stopped by the time I got to it. Then, someone from the front desk came to our room to tell us that they'd gotten complaints that we were too loud. I really don't think we were that loud. I think the jacuzzi jets were too loud at that time of night. Or morning. Whatever.

I simply adore her and can't wait to do it again next year!

I Love My Pets. Really. I Do.

Once upon a time there was a Girl and her fish died.

So she got a new one.

He was a good fish.

One day, while in Wallyworld, The Girl decided that Pete7's bowl needed some jazzing up. Maybe he would appreciate some new rocks? Oh, look! Let's get these glass marble things that are red and gold! Now his bowl will match the color scheme on the table that he resides on!

Pete7 was happy for a few months. To be honest, The Girl never really looked at Pete7. She tossed him food sometimes but never really looked at him.

Until suppertime one night.

The Girl noticed that Pete7 had a giant tumor on his head. So giant that he could hardly swim straight.

Then, The Girl noticed that the pretty rocks were no longer pretty. They were plain and clear.

It appeared that the lead paint on the made in China marbles had flaked off. And now Pete7 had a hideous lump on his head. (I so wanted to take a cheese grater to it to try and "cure" him but Sweety vetoed the idea.)

Coincidence? I think not.

Pete7 fought a good fight and had a nice watery funeral a several weeks later.

I think I'm going to reflect on my pet ownership skills before adopting Pete8.

Friday's Post

I turned 32 yesterday. I celebrated by leaving work early and going to the doctor for a sinus infection. This is what I get for bragging a couple of weeks ago that I hadn't had one in a long time. Went to work this morning and sat in the parking lot long enough to decide that I really needed to go home. Came home to sleep with Tiny Dog all day. (don't worry, Sweety. the sheets are being washed as i type.)

We celebrated my birthday the day before because the boys were leaving yesterday morning for their mom's. They picked out some lovely flowers for me and Sweety picked up a cake. I was really surprised. I thought they were going to the grocery store for bleach.

BigBrother(13) decided that he wanted a MySpace page Wednesday night and asked me to help him make it. We did and set it on private and I warned him that "private" doesn't really mean "private" and to not have a false sense of security. (he immediately started pestering me to teach him how to hack into people's profiles but i told him no. that just doesn't seem like a good parenting move.) On Thursday, the COAEW calls Sweety to bitch that he didn't call her and discuss letting BB have a MySpace account. WTF? BB told me that his mother had offered to help him make one awhile back but he wasn't interested at the time. I think she was just put out that he asked me and not her. She told Sweety she didn't think it was safe that he was online. Sweety didn't mention that she has the boys' photos and names splattered all over her page and back when she was on the prowl, had photos of her in the bar and it was obvious that she lived alone with her 4 kids. She finally told him that it was okay if BB kept his MySpace as long as it was set to private. Uh, okay. Thanks for the approval!

She will totally shit her pants if she ever logs onto his account and then onto mine and sees the blog I keep there. It is a very sanitized version of this one. No mentions of the COAEW, cursing, drinking or sex. But I do speak of they boys and I do mention that Sweety has primary custody of them. That would be enough to chap her cellulite ridden face ass.

Do you let your kids watch movies that are rated older than they are? Since BB turned 13, he gets to see all PG-13 ones and LittleBrother(11) can too if we watch them first and deem them not too inappropriate. LB is a scary movie fiend and got to watch his first R rated movie while we were on vacation. The Blair Witch Project. I'm guessing it got the R rating for the constant use of the word "fuck" but he knows better than to speak like that. I've told the boys that I don't give a damn how they talk to each other at home (as long as there is no hitting) but they need to always be polite in public. Their favorite word right now? Butthole. If I've heard it once, I've heard it 1000 eleventy billion times.

Tasty Goodness

I mentioned that the laptop was the victim of a minor car accident. We got it back yesterday and it seems to be good as new. Now, one kid uses the laptop and the other uses the desktop and they play games together. It's great! They can't touch each other!

The day before vacation, The Almighty Sweety was kind enough to bestow unto me a new computer. A shiny new computer. It has an apple on the front. I think I love it. I'd never used a MacBook before and it is a bit different from what I'd always had. I look forward to conquering it and making it my bitch.

I picked up a jar of marshmallow fluff today to help show my gratitude. If you are ever at my house and see a jar of marshmallow fluff- do not eat any. All jars are violated by Sweety's penis.

Home Again

Vacation ended this past Sunday. I hated going back to work on Monday but was glad to get home and see Sweety.

While I was gone I didn't blog much but did twitter. Sweety kept up with me through the twitters and managed to really misunderstand some things. When he logged onto our house computer, I was logged onto twitter and it showed not only my twitters but the ones for everyone that I was following.

Amy had a tweet that was a photo of her son raising his eyebrow and I replied to it with something like "He's doing his eyebrow like The Rock but I bet he doesn't shave his body hair." Right under that, Sweety saw a tweet from Bekah "Some guy at the bar wants to buy our drinks. Anna says no but I say yes."

Two totally unrelated sentences but Sweety read them and thought I was flirting with some guy at the bar and he was giving me the eyebrow. He actually read these things the night after they had been posted but thought it was happening right then and sent me a wonderfully snide little text message.

Isn't technology great?

The wildest thing we did was jumped on the beds. I fell back and whacked my head on the headboard once. I'm just not as agile as I used to be.

I finished up some legal shit yesterday. Yay! There will be no trial (thank goodness. the idea of that made me want to vomit until i died.) and I have just enough money now to get a new washer and dryer. I know that Sweety thinks I should have pressed the issue some more but I just wanted it to be over.

A friend from work is moving and last night we met up at a restaurant and drank ourselves silly. Today I feel like I've been shot at and missed but shit at and hit.

I must get moving. Taking the sprogs to the movies.

Well, I'll be damned...

My laptop started acting up the first weekend of this month. It took 15-20 minutes for Windows to come on (if it did) and it was freezing up. I took it to the store and they kept it overnight and told me that they tested it and that all I needed to do was reformat it. So I reformatted the motherfucker and it worked just long enough for me to buy replacements of t.v. shows that I had purchased for BigBrother(13)'s Zune but lost when I did the reformat. (I wasn't able to put them on the Zune before the reformat because the shitty laptop wouldn't unfreeze long enough for me to download them.)

I knew if I took it in for repairs that it wouldn't be ready in time for vacation and that pissed me off. Pissed me off so much that I decided to do something.

Before I had a chance to do anything drastic (like set fire to the computer store while running around in a tutu with lipstick smeared all over my face) the laptop suffered an accident. I accidentally ran over it. Uh, twice. With all tires on the passenger side. Really slow. Maybe I spun out on it too. I am not a very good driver. Poor laptoppy.

Thank goodness for replacement insurance that covers anything except fire or theft! I thought that surely a new laptop would be coming my way but guess what? We got a message today that they have ordered the parts to fix it and it will be ready in a few weeks. I really don't care that I'm not getting a new one. I just want it to work. I don't want to be told that it just needs a reformat when something is really wrong with it.

But I'm wondering - If being driven over doesn't kill a computer then what will? They should make cars out of whatever the case on that thing is made from.

Love is...

Upon pooping and realizing that there is only a little bit of toilet paper left - he takes a shower to wash his ass off so toilet paper will be left for you.

This is probably one of the nicest things a man has ever done for me. What is the nicest thing someone has done for you?

More Random

The one bad thing about vacation is no sex. Sweety and the boys sleep in the tiny bedroom and I sleep on the couch at my Mom's house. I shoved Mom and the boys out the door and to the nearest fishing hole after supper tonight because I had to get some before someone got hurt. It felt kind of weird to get naked in the room that holds all of my childhood photos so I just turned off the light.

I've read some blogs lately and people speak of how they don't infringe on their children's privacy by blogging about them. That it would be embarrassing to the kid. But on some of these blogs, people talk about things that are way personal while also posting photos of their kids. If you're so worried about not embarrassing someone - wouldn't it be a good idea to not air your dirty laundry? And just for the record, if you're reading this - it isn't you. I know I've talked about things that the boys would faint over if they read it but honestly? If my internet corner was ever found by them or their charming mother, I would have no problem telling someone to get over it. Life isn't all kittens and cottonballs. (Thank you, Mike. I've been dying to use that phrase.)

Wow, the boys and Mom just got in from fishing. The didn't catch anything but Mom let BigBrother(13) drive the car from the strip pit. It's about a mile away. He is very excited.

I shall go. Tonight is our last night here and I need to go pet my Mom while I can.

Yakkity Yak

I ditched a pair of panties in the bathroom of the Red Lobster in Fort Smith, Arkansas a couple of days ago. I'd overestimated the size of my butt when I bought new drawers before vacation and they were too big. Have you ever walked around all day with giant underwear galloping up your crack? I've got one word for you - Chafing. Oh, sweet, tiny, have only had talcum powder on your tiny heiny, baby Jesus. The chafing. I still can't walk right.

I love snooping. The first thing I do every year is open all my Mom's cabinets to see what she has in them. For the past 7 years, it's always been the same stuff. If I ever visit you, I will peek in your drawers too. And I'll straighten your towel closet. My towel closet at home looks like shit but I like to straighten them in other houses. Maybe I just like touching fluffy towels.

When I get to Texas, I'll spend some time at my best friend's (Elaine) house. She lives next door to her Mama and her Mama went to live in the nursing home this year. Sweety, the boys and I will stay in her Mama's house. I am very excited. She has had a lifetime to collect things and I will get to snoop! Elaine knows my fondness for snooping and has given me her full blessing to touch all of Mama's stuff. (Last year, E and me went over there and snooped through her things while she was at the library. I also got to see photos of my friend from when she was growing up. I love stuff like that.) Elaine isn't very sentimental and asked if there was anything that I'd like to take of her Mama's but I told her no. I just want to look at it and pick it up.

So Lonely

Hello, people of the world. Tiny Dog here. One, sad, lonesome little Tiny Dog. Mama is on vacation. I hate vacation with a passion that is brighter than eleventy billion suns.

Usually, Mama leaves me and Stinky at home alone and NeighborGirl comes over a few times a day to let us outside. We make the best of a bad situation by throwing parties and raiding the tequila bottle. But not this year. This year we are at Papa's sister's house. (I guess she'd be our aunt?) Aunt has 3 other dogs! Three! And TWO are pit bulls! Friendly but pit bulls nonetheless. I am constantly watching my ass to make sure I still have it.

This is me and Mama the day before she left.

Oh, dear Dog. I miss her.

Greetings From Nowhere

I'm at my Mom's house in Oklahoma. She finally has internet service but it is slower than old people fuck. Old - dead - people. I can see that my blog page is wonky. It appears that the place that made my template has closed up shop and I didn't have the good sense to save the graphics in case this happened. I may drive 20 minutes to town to find some wireless internet service so I can fix it. And so I can blog surf. (Because who knows wtf I'm missing in my blog neighborhood!) It's a minor miracle that I'm online now and I'll be surprised if the connection doesn't crap out before this thing is posted.

We spent a few days in a cabin at a park. (Where, oddly enough, there was sporadic cell phone service. I celebrated by tweeting constantly.) I learned a very important thing.

If you go hiking to the bottom of the cliff behind your cabin and tell your husband that you will come right back up? You better scrabble your fat ass back up that cliff with your kids instead of walking around the mountain to get back to the cabin. When you hike goes from 45 minutes to almost 3 hours - your husband will be freaking the fuck out when you finally drag your hiking peeps back to the campsite. He was getting ready to call the park ranger because the side of the mountain that we went down was already fully dark because the sun had set on that side. He thought that my mom and I had fallen and smashed our heads and the boys were trying to revive us. Sweety was so glad to see us that he hit us all with a giant stick.

Here I am on the computer with they boys playing a video game and Sweety doing a home project. It's almost like we are still at home!

Hola.

What does it say about me that I don't try to hide the smell of alcohol on my breath from my husband but the scent of sesame seeds instead? I'm certain it's not healthy to be filled with glee when Sweety gets in the shower because that is my cue to scamper into the kitchen and eat cheese dipped in sesame seeds as long as the shower is running.

I tell you all a couple of posts down that I've lost a little weight and then spend the next few days eating anything that isn't nailed down. I'm my own worst enemy. At least it's not heroin. Right? But if it was heroin, at least I'd be skinny. But my skin would probably look like shit and my teeth would be falling out.

I'm just killing some time tonight. For some reason, I'm not really sleepy. My laptop is acting like an ass so I've abandoned it for the desktop that's hidden in the back of the house. Something is weird with it though and when I go to any blogs, the font is tiny and I can't read them. Phooey. I'll just blather here instead of nosing around blogland.

Sweety is in bed. He's getting up at 1:30 a.m. to go watch concrete be poured. The place that he works for is building a new warehouse/office space and he's been the pushing person behind it and wants to see the cement go down. They start pouring at 2 a.m. I'm happy for him. I know this building is something that he's been dying to see done and it's been about 4 years or so in the making. When it's finished, he will have to go half as far to work. We will be able to have all of our teeth plated in gold with the money that'll be saved in gas. Or not.

Last Sunday was our 7th anniversary. I can't believe that I've been in this hellhole (Florida) for 7 years already. I have served exactly half of my sentence because in 7 more years, LittleBrother(11) will be 18 and we can move out of this hot-no season having-palm trees abound-place. I will see snow again from my bedroom window before I die! And autumn leaves!

To celebrate, we went out to eat and to the sex toy shop and bought some interesting things. Do you know what is more dangerous than me being three sheets to the wind with a small riding crop in my hand? Nothing. Ahem.

I mentioned to Sweety that I still liked him a whole bunch after 7 years. He thinks we're still together because we haven't suffered any sort of bad thing or major hardship together yet. I say, why do you have to have a bad thing? Maybe we'll get really lucky and miss any major shitstorms. As long as he keeps his weenie in his pants when I'm not around - I don't see why we won't make it another 7.

The bitches are freshly bathed because we're going to my sister's tomorrow. Think I'm going to bed in LB's room and taking Tiny Dog with me.

Do You Hear That?

For the love of all that is good and holy. Can't these kids LB shut up for TWO consecutive minutes? The whining! Sweet, tiny, hasn't let out a colicky cry yet, baby Jesus! The whining! What have I done to deserve this? I feed you little dirt urchins. I took you to the movies. (Hancock rocked, by the way.) All I want is a tiny bit of PEACE and QUIET! Are your damn 3 inch voices broken? Pick, pick, pick, pick. I swear, if I hear LittleBrother(11) whine one. more. time....I do not know what I will do. I was thisclose to going into their room while ago and just yelling at them that I was fixing to lose my shit if they didn't knock it off. BigBrother wants LB to go swimming with him and LB is refusing to go. How about you go on and swim kid? You know, since we have that fucking pool in the backyard? Make me feel like it's - oh, I dunno - appreciated?

And what is up with this piece of shit laptop? I had to reformat the thing this weekend and now it's freezing up. Work, motherfucker! Work! Aaaagh!

This new schedule is really nice for spending time with Sweety but it is wrecking my blog life. I now see how easy it is push it to the wayside while doing other shit. Like listening to children.

How is it the boys can be so great one minute - so great that I just love them to death - and a few minutes later I'm ready to sharpen a broom and poke them and laugh while they run from me?

I will be so glad when LB's voice changes. Maybe his whine wouldn't bother me so much if it was a couple of octaves lower.

Despite this post, I am still in a very happy place. It's a fucking miracle.

Lucky Lizard

Fortunately for the lizard, she is on the screen that faces the pool deck. If she happened to be on the screen that faced the lawn? I would not be able to resist the urge to flick her belly with my finger and send her sailing across the grass.

It's Christmas in July for me if I step outside and see lots of lizards on the screen that faces the lawn.

Blah Blah Blah

I think that working not regular schedules for the past 6.5 years contributed to my feeling like shit all of the damn time. Now that I'm on a kind of normal one, I eat lunch at a "normal" time and when I get up, I go right to work after getting the boys up instead of going back to bed for 30 minutes. Since starting the new hours last week or so, I've lost 4 pounds! And the two weeks before that, I lost 10 just by not eating every waking moment. For the first time in my life, I'm trying to eat right on my own and not take pills or flat out starve and it seems to be working. It won't be the instant gratification that I like, but it will be good!

I'm really proud of LittleBrother(11). He had a baseball game last night (He made the All Star team! Woot!) and they lost 16 to 0. He played really well though. Made four outs and got on base. I was afraid that he'd be really pissy after the game but he wasn't. He was okay with the loss because he knew that he'd played well. The team that they played was all 13 year olds (except for one 11 y.o.) and our team is 11 & 12 so they basically walked all over us.

The lovely exwife did not appear at the game. She'd made a big deal the day before to Sweety, saying that she wanted to see LB practice the night before the game and she ended up dropping them off at our house before practice and she didn't go. I almost missed the game because of work but they had to move the game to another field because it was raining and I was able to get to the new field before the game started. LB was really happy to see me there and rode with me when we left. He has another game tonight and as much as I dislike laying eyes on her, I hope she shows up. Not holding my breath though.

BigBrother(13) has been wanting a Sims 2 game and he finally got one a couple of days ago. LittleBrother is a Webkinz fan and spends his spare time on the desktop playing that so I put the Sims on my laptop. While I was at work yesterday, BB played it til his eyes bled. Either I'm going to have to put the Sims on the desktop and make out a schedule for the boys to have specific times on the computer or I'm going to get another laptop. (Helloooo, MacBook!) Probably go the sharing desktop route. As much as I'd love a new puter.

We went to my sister's house last weekend and had a large time. My brother-in-law is retiring from the Army soon and threw a bbq for his friends. The kids stayed at the bbq long enough to eat and when they got bored, we took them all (the boys & niece) back to the house (just a few blocks away) to play video games and we went back to the party. The next morning we had leftovers for breakfast - meat and cake. It was good. The boys were having fun playing with Sylvie and didn't want to come home. I'm glad that they are comfortable with my family. We're going back in a couple of weekends and then my sister's family will be moving back to Oklahoma at then end of the month. I am so going to miss having them close.

Good grief. Being happy has made me boring as hell. I'll work on that. Maybe.

Shiny Happy

I'm happy.

This is so weird.

I can't remember the last time I really felt happy for more than 5 minutes. I'm going on day 3 or so. Maybe the meds are working or maybe it's my new job schedule or maybe it's that I feel like I can get out of the house and hang around other grownups without Sweety freaking out on me? Maybe it's a bit of all of the aforementioned. Whatever it is - I like it.

There were a few times today where I wanted to twist the boys' lips shut with bread ties just so I wouldn't have to listen to them pick-pick-pick at each other but I wasn't angry. It's nice to not walk around with a continuous undercurrent of angry pulsing through my veins. Instead, I have sparkly in my veins.

I'm gonna quit talking about it. I don't want to scare the happy away.

I mentioned to a friend my love of fizzing bath bombs and she has started making them! She sent some to me but I haven't had a chance to use them yet. I was going to tonight but I have to bathe Stinky and I don't like being in the tub after her. And I'll be too tired after washing her to sanitize the tub enough to sit my butt in it. When my friend's husband told Sweety that she was making bath bombs - Sweety told him that it must be nice to have a wife that has some initiative. I've been saying for awhile that I wanted to make them but that's as far as I've gotten. I'm such a slacker.

Why do I have a problem saying the word "vagina"? When my niece was here, she got a glance at Stinky Dog's flopping coochie (She's a big dog. It's big. You could probably stick ping pong ball in it if you greased it up.) and asked if I was sure that Stinky was a girl and not a boy. I told her yes and she asked how could I be sure. I said because Stinky doesn't have a penis. (See? No problem saying "penis") So she asked what Stinky had. (I know that she knows what Stinky has. I could tell from the gleam in her beady little eyes that she was enjoying that I was uncomfortable.) I said it was not a penis. Stinky has "girlie bits". And with that, Sylvie(9) gave an evil little chuckle and got in the shower. I was telling my sister about it and she said that it would have been okay to use the word "coochie". Vagina. Vagina. It just doesn't sound friendly.

Long Time No See

Damn, it's been so long since I put anything here that I hardly know how to start.

I've was busy-busy until Sylvie left last week. I took her home on Tuesday and spent the night there. And since then? I don't know what I've been doing.

My work schedule has changed. I'm off on Wednesdays and the weekends (weekends! squee!) now. Work from 9 a.m. to 8 p.m. I go in an hour earlier than I had been and that has been hard to get used to but I really like getting off an hour earlier too.

Friday night, I went to a friend's house and got home a wee bit late. Sweety came home from work to find a messy house and two hungry dogs and no wife and was a bit irritated when I finally did get home. Stinky Dog didn't help matters. She shit in the fucking pool when he let them out to potty. She was getting ready to pee on the pool deck and he was spying on her. She freaked out when he yelled at her to move off the deck and swung around and pooped right in the damn water.

It was one of the first things he mentioned when I weebled in at 1 a.m. Thanks, Stinky. You're "my" dog and you have to act like this when I'm not here?

On Saturday we were busy having crazy make-up sex and I got an accidental, tiny episiotomy with the Penis of Doom. It's never good when your coochie gets ripped. Even a little bit.

I've been having a hard time sleeping and took some melatonin last night. Have you ever taken it? It gives me some seriously strange dreams. But having crazy dreams is better than no sleep at all, in my book.

Okay. I'm gonna scoot around Blogland and get as caught up as possible with you all before Sweety gets home!

Lazy, Lazy, Lazy.

The niece and I have been having a large time. Yesterday, we putt-putted our asses off in the heat and then had a late lunch at a Korean restaurant. Then we came home and took a nap! (Ha! I can talk her into napping with me!) Sweety had to go back to work that night and we tagged along and had a late supper at Waffle House. Today's been a lazy day. We goofed around at the mall and had lunch at a Chinese buffet. (And another nap!) One thing that's really nice about running around with Sylvie(9) is that she loves Asian food so I can have it without having to sit in the restaurant alone.

Meet Buddy.


He is Sylvie's dog and I want to keep him. He is the best.dog.ever. He fetches! He sleeps in a crate! He runs into the crate when you say, "Go to bed." and he doesn't cry all night long!

Sweety and I hatched a plan...

Yesterday? While Sylvie an I were running around? We were going to hide Buddy at Sweety's sister's house and Sweety was going to come home and dig a hole in the backyard and refill it and tell Sylvie that Buddy got hit by a car and his body was so mangled that he had to be buried immediately. Then, when she leaves - he will be all ours! Mwahahahahaha! But I decided that I like Sylvie too much to traumatize her like that. I've been trying to talk my sister into giving him to us but haven't had any luck so far.

Hey, check this out. Sylvie does this weird thing with her arm. Double-jointed? It creeps me out.

Yeah, We Are Definitely Related.

Wow! Are those your bath fizzies?

Yeah! And check these out!

Cool! They're all so pretty and smell good.

(Sylvie doesn't say anything and watches me brush my hair for a few minutes.)

Aunt Anna?

Mmmm-hmmmm?

If something...happens...could I have five of your bath fizzies?

What did you say? (I knew good and well what she said. I just wanted to hear it again.)

You know...if something happens. May I have five of your bath fizzies?

Do you mean, if I DIE can you have five bath bombs?

Well, I'm not trying to bring it on to you or anything...but...yes.

(I immediately had a vision of her trying to smother me in my sleep if I told her yes so she would be able to get her inheritance. But it was also one of my proudest moments as an Aunt. I can tell that I have truly influenced this child.)

Tell you what, kiddo. Before you leave, we'll take a sack and you can take as many as you want home with you, okay?

Bah Humbug

Here I am. At home. With the stinking dogs. Not at the bowling alley, drinking tequila from plastic cups. Why? Because it was too hard for the coaEW to have the boys tonight because LittleBrother(11) had a baseball game and she didn't want to go to it. So the boys are here tonight and I had to come right home after work so Sweety could go to work. We don't like to leave them home alone at night. Fucking fooey. Yeah, I know I spelled it wrong.

I am so.very.tired. I don't know why, but I haven't had solid night's sleep since at least last Saturday. (That's as far back as I can remember.) Usually, it takes me awhile to go to sleep but when I do, I don't wake up til the alarm goes off. It's been like I can't get comfortable and toss and turn all damn night.

Dear Tiny Dog,
Thank you for taking this time to perch on my arm with your sticky asshole on my elbow!
Love,
Mama
I should put one of those round band-aids on her anus when she's in the house. Or maybe tape a dime over it. Keep me sanitary.

Some people make me want to puke. Have you ever been on the receiving end of someone being nasty-nice? It's my turn in that seat and I'm tired of it. Or maybe I'm a pessimistic bitch and I'm misreading someone. But I don't think so. I'm pretty sure that she's a shark.

On a lighter note...

Have you ever been over to Speck's place? You should check it out. She has been cranking out some very interesting cartoons. I like 'em.

Pretending

Occasionally, it's hard for me to fall asleep. I have a little something that I do to help that along.

I pretend that I'm a clam.


My legs look odd because I'm busy rubbing my feet together. I have to do that before I go to sleep.

You can't see them in the photo, but the earplugs are in so everything is muffled. Just like it would be if I were underwater. I fold myself over like that and chant, "I am a clam. I am a clam." in my head, over and over again until I fall asleep.

It's also fun to cover up completely with the sheet and stick one foot out. I flip it around and pretend it's my clam foot and that I'm trying to kick it in the sand so I can move along the sea floor.

If I want to lay on my stomach - I pretend that I'm an ear of corn.

Have a lovely Half Nekkid Thursday!

Completely Inappropriate

Hey! If I get that new schedule - where I'm off on Sundays?
Uh-huh.
We will eat pasta every Sunday! To pay homage to the Flying Spaghetti Monster!
Okay. I'm good with that!
We will give thanks that his noodly appendages keep us from flying off of the planet!
Alright...
And we'll drink whiskey with our meal!
Yeah!
Except for the boys. I'll give them tea in shot glasses!
*click*

Now, did that really warrant hanging up on me? I think not.

The only thing that Sweety finds more vile than cigarette smoke is coffee. The other night, after he got into bed, I put some lip balm on. Coffee scented and flavored. Heh, heh. Then I got into bed and started being all friendly. Right after he kissed me - he gagged and leaped out of bed while rubbing his mouth with the sheet. You should have heard me cackle. It was great.

We watched political happenings on the television last night. That sort of thing is a minefield in our house. I drank a lot (Matter of fact, I drank so much that I feel too crummy to carry through with dedicating this week's HNT to Mike. I need more gin bottles to do what I have in mind anyway.) and ignored Sweety while he needled me for several hours. I didn't ignore him. I just planned what I was going to do to him.

I was busy getting water icy cold in a cup as soon as he got in the shower. He had the cloth curtain open on the shower so he saw me immediately when I walked into the bathroom and told me if I dumped the water on him that I would be sorry. I figured the worst he could do to me was punch me in the nose and decided that I was okay with that, so I got him with the cold water and waited for him to do whatever it was. He turned the showerhead on me and doused me where I stood. I was fine with that because at least the water I got hit with was warm.

If your kid has a unibrow - would it be wrong to pluck it? And I don't mean a little unibrow. Think Bert.

Speaking of Bert...

Ever wondered what he does in his spare time? Wonder no more. That link would be NSFW if it were humans. But it's puppets so I dunno if you'd call it NSFW.

Take Your Monkey to Work Day

Sweety and LittleBrother(11) are at baseball practice. BigBrother(13) usually goes with them. When they are gone, I like to drink liquor and lay around naked while playing on the internet. I was getting ready to drink gin out of the bottle, when I noticed that I could hear someone bouncing a basketball outside. I took a peek and saw that BB had stayed at home and was playing with a neighborhood kid. I am so glad that I realized this before peeling off my clothes. That would have been awkward.

I hate dry pretzels. I pick them out of Chex Mix and let the canines have them. Stinky gets the ones that look like knots and Tiny gets the straight ones. I think it's funny to look at her with a pretzel cigarette hanging out of her mouth.

For the love of Pete. I no sooner than type that last paragraph before I hear Stinky Dog let out a series of farts. I look down and see that she is puking up her freshly eaten pretzels. I guess the spicy kind don't agree with her. I'm sorry, Stinky. Tiny is suffering no ill effects from the pretzels. She managed to eat half of the "good part" (no pretzels!) of my snack while I was scurrying around, cleaning up the puke. She is an opportunist.

Roger went to work with me yesterday. I got to work and decided that I'd look like a real weirdo if I toted him in under my arm so I stuck him inside a sack.


He enjoyed his day at the shithole. I'm going to keep the sack in my car so he can come with me everyday. I thought about leaving him there on my desk but I'd miss him in my backseat and he would probably get stolen. Then I'd get really mad and would burn the building down. I don't want to have to do that. Sprinkling gasoline. Running around the building with matches. That's just too much work.

Ack.

You know, sometimes I don't want to tell things here that make me look bad but I'd feel guilty if I didn't.

Guess whose family forgot that today was the day for the end of the season ceremony for their youngest son's Little League Baseball team?

*see me waving my hand wildly* (Isn't it odd that I bitched about the coaEW's lack of attention in the last post? Color me a nice shade of hypocrite.)

Um, yeah. The boys got dropped off this morning around 8:30ish and at around 9:30 Sweety says, "Hey! Do you know what time the baseball ceremony is?" And I remember that today is May 31st and it started at 9:00. Sweety felt so bad that he was almost in tears. I felt so bad that I didn't eat breakfast because I felt pukey. LittleBrother(11) was so happy that he didn't have to go that he danced a jig.

We have never, ever forgotten something like that! We just totally spaced out. As soon as LB realized that we missed it, the glee on his face was like the sun. He got pretty tired of baseball about mid-season and it's been like pulling teeth to get him to partake in the games without acting pissy.

I'm going to quit thinking about it because it's making my stomach hurt again.

Here. Look at my monkey, Roger.


This is how I like him to sit in my backseat. Nice and polite.


Sweety likes to make it look like he's masturbating. This embarrasses Roger.

Not only does Ginamonster make some kick ass soap -(Bubbly Creations! Big, good-smelling, lather-you-up-great bars!) she also has the occasional sock monkey up for adoption. He even has a tiny bellybutton!

I'm A Mommy Blogger

Indulge me.

Here is LittleBrother(11) after he graduated from the 5th grade today. Looking at this photo makes me see how big he's getting. I can't believe it. I remember when he was 4 and wanted to play Power Rangers with me all of the time. (I was Pink Ranger and he was Red Ranger.)


He got an award for his math abilities. He's a whiz when it comes to math. He can do some of BigBrother(13)'s math work already. I was quite proud of him today. Damn, I love that kid. LB gets lost in the shuffle at his mother's house and I try to give him extra attention when it's just me and him.

When he goes to the grocery store with me, he insists on pushing the cart even though it is carrying my purse and he always opens up my car door for me when we all go out together. He also shares my love of the card game Rummy and is always ready for a match. He can be a little turkey at times but overall, he is a fine egg.

Let me tell you something and you tell me if I'm being a snob or stuck up or bitchy or whatever, okay?

LB's graduation started at 8:15 this morning. I changed my work schedule so I could be there and Sweety and I got there about 10 minutes early. 15 minutes into the thing, the coaEW shows up.

The auditorium was packed. Wall to wall packed. And what does she barrel in with? Her 3 year old in a stroller. There was no room for a stroller. And she was wearing her gym clothes. After the graduation, there was a reception in LB's classroom. She shoved her stroller all the way over to the class (which was packed too) and stayed for a total of 98 seconds. She came over and asked Sweety if he was staying and when he said yes she said she was leaving. I dunno, maybe she had to go to the gym?

I just thought it was kind of disrespectful to LB that she wasn't dressed up and that she showed up late and left early. I think on an important day to your kid, like a graduation, that you should at least not wear your track suit. It was like his graduation was a pit stop on her way to work out.

I'm not trying to be snobby. But I know that she has "dress up" clothes. Or at least jeans or khakis. And it really chapped my ass that she left early. She totally missed the sweet little speech that LB's teacher gave about what a good kid he is. I recorded it. I told Sweety that he could send it to her if he titled it "What was so damned important that you had to miss this?"

Okay. I'm done bitching about the coaEW for awhile. Now that the school year is over and baseball season is done, I won't have much call to see her mug.

Nekkid Again

You can click it for a different version.

I realized this morning that I couldn't squeeze into the really big pantyhose that I had purchased yesterday so you get smudgy photos. I'm too fluffy for real life.

I also started my string cheese (lowfat, like sawdust string cheese) and diet soda diet today. I did really good. Except for the few minutes that I thought Sweety was mad at me and I made myself feel better by eating all of the cheese dip and tortilla chip crumbs.

Happy HNT!

I'm Tired.

Here we have the family after BigBrother(13) snagged a "Sensational Student" award today.


And here they all are just a few short hours later. Sweety decided to let the boys play with the PlayStation3 because he likes competition when he's pretending to be Tiger Woods.


The flash lit the room up in the picture but they are sitting there in the dark like a bunch of naked mole rats. Is it just me, or do naked mole rats look like penises with teeth to you too?

I did some legally stuff that I had not been looking forward to yesterday. Hopefully, I won't have to fool with it too much longer. Xanax got a big workout in my life yesterday. I had been eating them like candy up until then (actually, as prescribed but more than I prefer to eat) and am happy to report that I haven't needed one today and have been able to breathe just fine on my own without thinking scary thoughts and trying to smothercate myself. I slept til one today because I was still grogged out from yesterday.

My fantastic niece will be here on June 6th! I can't wait! I'd planned on taking her to the beach but then I heard about the lady that got hit in the head by a pelican and the kid that got bit by a shark in 18 inches of water and have changed my mind. I could handle a tiny shark bite but being stabbed in the head by a pelican's beak? How the hell would I call my sister and tell her that I was sending my niece back with only one eye? Or that she'd been stabbed in the brain by a crazed pelican? People, this is the shit that I worry about.

My sister said my niece wasn't too interested in going to the beach anyway. She's been telling everyone that she comes into contact with, "My Aunt Anna has a pool. And she will let me swim in it every day when I see her!". I'm glad. We can handle the pool. The nice thing is that after about 3 or 4 o'clock, the sun is behind the house and the pool is shaded so you can be out there and not fry. We may go to the beach and kick around in the sand but that will be it.

I'm thinking that I will teach Tiny Dog how to swim to the shallow end of the pool and get out using the steps this summer. She's never fallen into the pool but when we've put her in there, she swims to the edge that she's facing and waits for help. I'm going to teach her which way to go to get out. Who the fuck am I kidding? That damn dog won't come when I call her name. What are the odds that she can be taught which end of the pool is the safe end?

Parental Duties & Other Crap

BigBrother(13) and I did his FFA banquet thing and it went well. He didn't want to go because he knew that he was getting some awards and didn't want to walk on stage in front of people. He got 3 awards and I only embarrassed him twice by shoving up to the stage to take his picture. I let him get by without on the third time.

LittleBrother(11)'s baseball team won their last game and are at a pizza place celebrating as I speak type. Sweety is the assistant coach but the regular coach had to miss this game so he was in charge. The game was tied and in an overtime inning and LB was on third base. Sweety didn't realize it was LB (who is a pretty fast runner) on third base and pulled him off the base and put another fast kid on there to run to home plate when the chance came up. As LB was walking across the field, Sweety realized that he'd just yanked his own kid out of the game and feels like shit about it. (um, nevermind the fact that he was so frazzled that he couldn't look with his own two eyes and see what child was on third before he took him off. ahem.) The kid that he replaced LB with did make it to home and that was the run that won the game. I told Sweety to tell LB to remember that if he hadn't made it to third that the other kid wouldn't have had the opportunity to make the run.

I have found the.best.lipstuff.ever. I've been putting LipFusion XL on at night and then in the morning some Stila Cherry Crush Lip & Cheek Stain. It takes just a tiny bit to give your lips a nice reddish tint. Like you've been sucking dick for 2 hours but without the work. I put that stuff on and let it dry and then dab a little Make Up For Ever Super Lip Gloss (clear) on top and voila! My lips look nice all day long! I've always had the hardest time finding lipstick and this really floats my boat. I have also never, ever, ever in my life spent that much money on lipstuff but it's so worth it.

You know how followers of The Unification Church are sometimes called Moonies? When I was a kid, I knew that their leader was Korean. All of the Koreans I knew had really round heads. Like moons. That's why I thought those people were called Moonies. I thought it was some kind of racial slur. The kids at school called me "slant eye" and I always thought I'd rather be called a Moonie but that they didn't do that because my head wasn't round enough since I was only half Korean.

I Hate Titles

I think I've become accustomed to blogging in the heat while waiting outside of LittleBrother(11)'s school until he gets out. I tried to type something at home on the couch and my fingers became frozen. I also decided to get here an hour in advance and get LB through the pick-up line so I wouldn't have to look at the COAEW. She asked Sweety if she could have them Monday (which should be his day) so she could spend time with them. Her words were, "With all of the little kids around, I can't spend much time with them." Gee, you lazy bitch. Where the fuck were you for LB's last two baseball games? Bah. I find it interesting that last baseball season (right after she got married) that she and her new husband were at every single ballgame. She has missed several this season and he hasn't shown up at any.

BigBrother(13) has an FFA banquet tomorrow night and it's the last baseball game for LB. I get to take BB to the banquet and Sweety is doing the ballgame. After the game, Sweety is treating the team and their families to pizza at Cici's. If BB and I get done early enough, we will meet them there. The boys are supposed to be at the COAEW's house on Thursday nights but since so much is going on, she said they can come home with us and she will pick them up Friday morning. Sweety told her that she was welcome to come to the pizza party (and take the kids home with her afterwards) but she said she would feel odd there. What the fuck ever.

Basically, she doesn't want to be out that late, waiting for LB's pizza party to be over. Goody, goody gumdrops. Do you know what this means? That instead of going and hanging out with friends and getting my drink on after being Happy Smiling Soccer Mom all day - I will get to go home with the boys. I will tuck them into bed and have a couple of glasses of box wine. That should help wash off the Happy Smiling Soccer Mom residue. You really don't know how hard it is for me to do that shit. I'm socially retarded.

In 57 days, we go on vacation! Yaaay! I will be off of work for 18 days! Woot! I will get to see my sweet Mama, my friends back in Texas, my niece and nephew in Texas and will spend a couple of day with the fantabulous Bekah. I. Can. Not. Wait. One thing that I really like about being in Oklahoma is that we don't get any cell phone service there so Sweety isn't as accessible to his office as he normally is. If he flat can't reach them then he worries less about what is going on at work.

I finally arranged the bath bomb army. I gave a bunch of them away to a couple of people but it didn't seem to make a dent in them. I decided to stick them in a glass bowl so that I can admire all of them. (yes, that is the same kind of bowl that PeteTheFish lives in) You seriously can't open a drawer in my house without being assaulted by some sort or candle or bath item.



You can click them to biggum & view all of their glory. You know you want to.

What's Wrong With This Picture?

I mean, besides the spot on the wall that Tiny Dog has been chowing down on?

This is Stinky's bed. Stinky is 40-odd pounds of doggy goodness. Tiny is 6 pounds of spoiled rotteness. Why am I not surprised that Stinky was clinging to the side of the bed? I'm afraid that Stinky will get tired of Tiny's shit and eat her someday.

The place that's freeze drying Chi Chi sent me a photo of her in "position" before they popped her into the freeze dryer so I could approve it. Her tongue isn't sticking out because we'd have had to have painted it when she was done and I wasn't crazy about that. I was afraid that we'd paint it the wrong shade of pink or that it would be all crinkly. Sweety reminded me that he has taxidermied and could paint it and I'd never even know but that still didn't seem right. Sure, I'll dry her into dog jerky, but I draw the line at painting her up.

I can't wait to see the look on Tiny's face when Chi Chi comes home.

Too Pooped To Pop

Holy shit, it's been a long weekend.

Usually, the boys piddle around in their rooms or play outside during the day on the weekends but I guess since Sweety was gone yesterday that they were thrown off kilter. I couldn't turn around without bumping into them. LittleBrother(11) didn't want to go to his baseball game yesterday but I made him and he was grouchy about that. Shortly after we got home, my friend and her kids arrived and we ate tons of pizza and junk food, The boys got to stay up as late as they wanted (they passed out at midnight) and that cheered him up.

When LB was bitching and moaning about having to go to the baseball game yesterday (and let me say that every damn time I looked at him he had something to say about it!) I told him that when you're part of a team that you don't get to pick and choose what you do. In life, you have to do things sometimes that you'd rather not. So he looks at me and kind of rolls his eyes and asks me, "Right. What do you ever have to do that you don't want to?" Kid, that was the wrong question on the wrong day. "I don't want to go to the baseball game either. It's freaking hot, you are pissy about going and heaven help me if you don't win because then you'll be a little pill and I have to deal with it. I'm going because you're playing and I like to watch you play and cheer for you." He had such a surprised look on his face. It had never occurred to him that perhaps parents do things that they'd rather not do for their kids.

We all got up early this morning and spent a good 6 hours at Sea World. BigBrother(13) really didn't want to go because there was some basketball game on t.v. that he wanted to watch and was pick-pick-picking at me. "When are we going to go home?" "What time are we leaving here?" My reply to, "If I start acting bad, will you take me home?" was "No. Not before I'm ready to leave here. And when we do get home - I'll peel your television right off of the wall and you won't even get to see what the basketball score was." shut his piehole. He was very quiet for about 10 minutes after that but he can't stand to give the silent treatment and quickly joined back in on the conversation and whatnot.

Yeah, so me and the boys have had some nice conversation.

We really did have a good couple of days. They are good kids and I am a squirrely bitch. As nice as it was to sleep with Stinky Dog last night, I'm really glad that Sweety is home.

A Day Late And A Dollar Short

This was supposed to go up on Thursday in honor of three years of Half Nekkidness but I ended up getting home after midnight that day so you get it today. Lucky you.



Sweety is out of pocket til tomorrow evening so it's just me and the boys until then. LittleBrother(11) has a baseball game in a bit and I'd rather cut of my pinky toe than go. It's too freaking hot and the game promises to be brutal. LB doesn't want to go either and offered to stay at home and play rummy with me for 2 hours if we skipped the game. He certainly knows my weak spot but I told him we must go. He only has one more game after this one before the season is over.

One of my friends and her kids are coming over tonight and I've tried to tidy the house. I'll just keep the lights low and maybe she won't notice the dust or stray dog hair tumbleweeds. I've washed the stinking dogs and that is half the battle to a clean house.

You wanna see crazy? My twenty pounds of bath bombs arrived Thursday. As I petted them and cackled with glee, Sweety asked me if I realized that I have a problem. Of course I do. But I won't need to get any more bath bombs for a long time.

The cabinet is still full and I have no idea where I'm going to put these. Going to make room somewhere. I kind of like looking at them on the kitchen counter for now though.

Someone that I find rather attractive told me that she has a girl crush on me. And she likes boys too. We both share oral fixations. This could be interesting. Sweety? Are you picking up what I'm laying down?

I drank a ton wee bit last night and ate 3 bananas while I was doing it. Have you ever had a hangover with that much produce inside of you? I could still taste them this morning.

Ah shit. It's 2 o'clock. I have an hour to finish tidying the house and to get ready for the baseball game.

Happy Tuesday!

The tree in our backyard that our neighbor didn't want us to cut finally fell down. Of course, it landed right on our fence. Luckily, it didn't hurt the fence at all because Sweety and our other neighbor built it very well. Sweety just cut it off of our fence and let it lay where it fell. I'm sure the mess it something that our incredibly anal neighbor enjoys looking at. (insert evil grin here) He is the neighbor that at Christmastime, turns all of the tiny lights on his house so they point in the same direction. It usually takes him several hours.

Do you drink Pepsi products? Do you notice the little codes inside of the caps? If you don't collect them, would you pretty, pretty please, email them to me? Or leave them in the comments to whatever post is the most recent? You can just click on that nifty little picture and a handy email form will pop up for you. We are collecting them so BigBrother(13) can get free mp3s for his music player. I am also digging through trash cans at work to get them too and am drinking Diet Pepsi instead of Coke Zero to get them. I will be sticking that button up on the top of my sidebar til they end this promotion or until he can't think of any more songs that he wants.

I need to be off this Sunday so I'm working tomorrow. I hate deviating from my schedule but the person I traded with works an 8 hour shift and I'm used to 10, so that will be a nice break. Oh! It's been a smidge slow at work so they let us take unpaid time off! I get off 3 hours early this Thursday and am off all day next Thursday! (Well, I have 4 hours of training scheduled next Thursday and will go in for that if it can't be rescheduled. I'm fairly certain it will be rescheduled though.) When I worked overnights, we used to get to come home early fairly often but this is the first time I've gotten to do something like this since working days.

Did you all do anything exciting for Mother's Day? I had to work and the boys weren't here so we didn't really do anything. On Saturday, we went on a field trip with LittleBrother(11) to Islands of Adventure. After baking in the sun all day, we came home and cleaned up and went to get something to eat. Our sunstroked minds decided that we needed a Playstation 3 and we got one that night. Sweety said it's our Mother's Day/Father's Day/Birthdays present.

Internet, let me share with you what horrible parents we are...

We haven't told the boys that we have the game and aren't planning on doing so. It's in our bedroom (The main reason we got it is because it plays blu-ray discs.) and the games we bought are rated for adults so they can't play them anyway. But rather than tell them "no" and listen to the everfuckinglasting whining (I kid you not, LB11 can hit a note with his voice that makes you want to die. Really.) that would come with it, we're just keeping the game console tucked in a drawer when the boys are around.

Someone was telling me a couple of weeks ago that she hides candy from her kids but they find it and eat it anyway. She asked me, "What can you do? Kids are kids and will do what they want." In my head I was thinking, "Um, I dunno? Tell them no and have them mind you?" and here I am, hiding a video game to avoid parenting.

No Words Can Properly Title My Glee!

Sweety remembered last night around midnight that LittleBrother(11) needed some cash to take to school for a project and asked if I'd like to ride to the bank with him. We passed a new grocery store that's being opened today and they were launching balloons in the parking lot. Those gigantic balloons that you see at car lots and promotions.

It was neat to watch them zoom into the air like rockets. I told Sweety that I wanted one and asked him to drive over so I could ask the guy how a regular person could buy one.

HE GAVE ME ONE!!!!!

If you are in Florida or Georgia and need someone to set up balloons for your promotion or child's over the top birthday party - let me know and I'll give you his info. If he had a website, I'd link to it.

He even gave us as much pennant-rope-stuff as we wanted to fly it properly! It is 4 feet across. See how the flags are green and white and match our house? It was meant to be.

It was too big to put in the car. We opened the sunroof and held the rope while the balloon bobbed along above the car.

It is the greatest thing ever.