My Brain Is Like Oatmeal

I've spent 2 days thinking, "I need to get online and check the blog and reply to comments." and haven't had time. Now I feel like I should reply to everything but that would take forever (okay, maybe and hour) and I'm just not up for the challenge. I'm sorry that I suck.

That last post - about LB trying to hit a porn site? He wasn't here when that happened. He was at his mom's. So I can't yell at Sweety about leaving an adult site up where the boys could see it.

Guess what I did for the first time? Got a store-bought pedicure. It was neat having someone else rub my feet with no worry of exerting myself to reciprocate. But look -

She scrubbed the tan right off the sides of my toes. Do you see how toe 4 is round? I hate that. Looks like a little meat gumball. I wonder if there's surgery to reshape your toes? I know you can have them shortened but this one just needs to be slimmed down on the sides. Surely people don't notice the deformity when I'm out and about with flip-flops on.

LittleBrother(10) has a baseball game today and a tiny part of me is hoping that it gets rained out. I'd rather not leave the couch but it looks like the wet is clearing up. Oh well, the game will give me an excuse to eat boiled peanuts.

I'll leave you with a funny...

A couple in their nineties are both having problems remembering things. During a checkup, the doctor tells them that they're physically okay, but they might want to start writing things down to help them remember.

Later that night, while watching TV, the old man gets up from his chair. "Want anything while I'm in the kitchen?" he asks.

"Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?"

"Sure."

"Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?" she asks.

"No, I can remember it."

"Well, I'd like some strawberries on top, too. Maybe you should write it down, so's not to forget it?"

He says, "I can remember that. You want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries."

"I'd also like whipped cream. I'm certain you'll forget that, write it down?" she asks.

Irritated, he says, "I don't need to write it down, I can remember it! Ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream -- I got it, for goodness sake!" Then he toddles into the kitchen.

After about 20 minutes, the old man returns from the kitchen and hands his wife a plate of bacon and eggs. She stares at the plate for a moment.

"Where's my toast?"

Wocka-wocka-wocka!

Whoa, Kid.

The boys have AOL accounts and both of them have settings to help keep them out of websites that they need not go to.Where do I see that LittleBrother(10) tried to go to twice on Monday morning?

My Hot Wife

Sheesh, I wonder where he got that link.

Sleeping with dogs will give you fleas.

The boys were at their mother's house this weekend. On Saturday night BigBrother(12) was in the garage that is now a t.v. room and he heard the motion-sensitive lights go on and heard someone in their driveway.

Turns out that someone snuck up and loosened the fucking lugnuts on the cuntofanexwife's car. (let me just say - it wasn't me!) Keep in mind that she's only been in this house for a few weeks. At her old house, someone ripped the antenna off of her car and tried to break into it. Two totally separate parts of town.

I figure she must really have gotten someone's goat for that sort of thing to happen. Saturday night she hit the local nightspots while BB babysat for her. Fried cunt.

Happy Things

• When I go to the post office and buy postage that the postmaster has to put on and she puts it on straight so the edge of the stamp is even with the edge of the envelope. I hate it when they just slap it on the envelope all willy-nilly.

• Getting into my clean car.

• A new pad of paper. It's exciting for me to get a new scratch pad at work. All of that pristine paper just begging to be written on.

• Coke in a can.

• A new tube of toothpaste. I really like being the first person to use it.

• New socks.

• Whacking the Penguin

• Finding a parking spot next to a curb. That way, there is only one side of my car that is unprotected and that could be smacked by someone carelessly opening their door.

• Sniffing the dogs' heads and feet after they've dried out after a bath.

• Finding an empty check-out line at the grocery store.

And for you?

Saturday Night Gratuitous Photo Post

I can't even imagine.

At Amy's I read that a friend of hers (NYC Watchdog) lost his 5 year old son in an accident on Thursday.

Avitable has a post up where you can purchase a graphic and the proceeds will go to NYC Watchdog.

So sad.

Attention: People Of The World!

See this? This is the July 2007 edition of Esquire. Not only is the most appealing Angelina Jolie on the cover (and on the inside!) but Stephen King has a short story (that is pretty good!) in there!

This month's magazine is like my wet dream that's come to life. I think I'll go buy several copies so I'll always have one around.

Oh.My.God. Nothing will snap you out of a pleasant daydream involving nearly naked starlets like Stinky Dog flopping down for a nap at your feet and letting loose with some flatulence. Bah. I may as well get up and start my day now.

Cooking

Much like vampires, tanning beds are impossible to photograph clearly.

Happy Half Nekkid Thursday!

I'm It! I'm It!

Sara Sue has been kind enough to smack me with 6 weird things I do while getting ready to sleep or while sleeping.

I don't know that these things are weird, but I do them every night.

1. I can't go to sleep if Sweety is still awake. I'll sit up and zone out on the computer all night long if he's still watching the television.

2. I brush my teeth while showering and I don't consider myself to be done til I've gagged.

3. I always dry my ears thouroughly. The q-tip company makes a mint off of me. If my ears aren't dry then I feel dirty.

4. And my belly button. It gets its own q-tip too.

5. I have to wait til Sweety is asleep before I can go to sleep. I'm afraid if I fall asleep first that he'll ask me something and wake me up. That dread keeps me awake til I hear him snore.

6. I put in earplugs and they have to be inserted just so. Then I can relax and sleep.

Feel free to share your bedtime oddities in the comments!

(insert title here)

I'm wore slap out. I took some herbal pills last night before I went to bed that are supposed to help "cleanse your system". Basically, I've spent at least 4 hours of my day in the bathroom, birthing jellyfish out of my behind. I'm pretty sure that things that I ate in 1984 made their exit today. Here I am recuperating with Tiny. Don't I look skinny? My waist wasn't that noticeable yesterday. I think.


Sweety and the boys are at baseball practice. The spring season is over but LittleBrother got picked to be on the All-Star team. What this means is we have to shell out 60 bucks for a uniform and if they don't win their first two games then the team is done. I'm hoping they make it further along just so we'll get some use out of the uniform.

The start of summer means that it's time for the boys to get their summer workbooks. Every summer since I've been here, they get a nice fat workbook to work on during vacation. I figure if they can watch t.v. for 8 hours that they can devote an hour or so each day to keeping their mind from rotting. I always link some sort of prize to the books too.

Like, if they finish it in 6 weeks we'll go do something fun but if it's not done then they get nothing. (But they still have to finish the books before school starts for the next year.) I changed up the prize this year because last year LB wasn't crazy about the reward (Going to a theme park. He didn't want to go because he didn't want to ride any rides and when I told him last year to get busy with the book, his reply was, "It doesn't matter if I finish early because I don't care if you take me to the park or not.") so this year they get a punishment if they don't finish the books in a set amount of time - bedtime will be at 8 p.m. instead of 9 p.m. for the first half of the school year. I'm almost hoping that they don't finish them in time so they can be popped into bed an hour earlier. This is the first summer that I haven't pestered them about getting the books done quickly.

Damn, Dude.

You will never believe what Sweety did to me last night!

I had a few belts of tequila after the sprogs went to bed and Sweety decided to mess with my head while it was loosey goosey. (hey, I'm a poet!) We got to talking about something to do with forgetting things and he told me that I forgot his birthday this year. Now, I was pretty sure that I hadn't but he was so serious and being so forgiving about it that I decided that I must have. So I started to cry because I felt so horrible that I forgot his birthday. After about 10 minutes I remembered that I did NOT forget his birthday. As a matter of fact, I gave him a gift and a cake. Fucker. That was not a kind thing to do. He told me that he actually thought for a few minutes that I had forgotten his birthday but I don't believe him.

Hypothetically...

Let's say that for years you'd been wanting to rub baby ducks across your butt. Just to see if you'd like it. And you need a friend to do this with you because ducks are mean and you need help catching them.

So you and your friend go catch some ducks and get to butt rubbing. It was an okay experience so you get together and do it again a few weeks later. You decide that you've maybe had enough of this activity and would rather not do it again.

But your friend wants to keep catching ducks and wants you to play too. How is a nice way to say that you'd rather not partake in the activity that you introduced your friend to?

Good Dogs

Doesn't Tiny Dog look fake in the top photo? I love it when she's in this position. Not only is she cute, but I like to pull the hair on her toes. Her feet are good to sniff too. I'm dying to cram my pinky up Stinky Dog's nose just to see what she'd do. So very tempting.

Meh.

eBay...

Sometimes you get a great deal and sometimes you get fucked in the ass with a dry brick. Here's a hint - don't buy something if you don't see the shipping and handling costs. That means that you're fixing to get the business end of a brick. Usually, I check the auctions very carefully but was off of my game a couple of weeks ago. I went ahead and paid for the thing but I have the person's physical address and am thinking of sending her some sort of "gift" from Tiny Dog. Just to make myself feel better.

Isn't it funny that a cuntofamother will boo-hoo about how much she doesn't get to see her kids but when she has them for 4 nights in a row, she manages to go out on the town for 2 of those nights? I'd love to slip a mickey in one of her drinks and then snatch her bald-headed in a parking lot some night. But I won't. Because I'm lazy.

In 4.5 short hours, we will be stumbling out of bed to head to the theme park. Woot. It's a very big day because Sheikra is going floorless and BigBrother has plans to be one of the first people on it. I'd love it if he wet his pants.

Just call me Dr. Spock

I've decided that by the time babies are couple of years old, they are furious.

It's because they've spent their whole life all cooped up in a little baby body with no good control over their muscles and they can't speak. Can you imagine how frustrating it must be to be hungry, tired, sleepy or shitty-bottomed and not be able to say anything about it? Or to teethe? What a bitch it must be to have stuff ripping out of your gums while you don't know what the hell is going on.

So, kids get big enough and get to where than can express themselves in new ways and use that to let us know that they are some angry individuals. They have their happy times but that is to just lull us into a false sense of security.

I think I'm going to go to school to be a toddler therapist. I think this is a huge untapped market.

The Main Reason That I Love Hotels

An endless supply of hot water!

Happy Half Nekkid Thursday!

Wednesday Night Fun

So maybe you saw something here earlier. But probably not. Sweety is going to start running from me when I have the camera for fear of turning up on the internet. Damn him! Why's he gotta be so shy?

Wiiiiii!

Sweety was napping one evening and I used that as an opportunity to do a bit of online shopping. I'd had my eye out for a Nintendo Wii since Christmas. I faithfully made the rounds every couple of days at the half dozen stores in the area that would have one but came up with nothing so I snagged one from ebay.

I was nervous about telling him that I'd bought one because it cost so much (Here's a handy hint: If you have something to tell Sweety that you think might annoy him, tell him at bedtime after you've done wicked things to him. Is it wrong that I used sex as a cushion before telling him about the purchase?) but he took it quite well. His reply? "Well, Chickie, I didn't know you were so serious about wanting one! I know a guy who runs a game store and I could have gotten one from him for you." Geez, Sweety. At Christmas, Valentine's Day, Our Day-We-First-Met Anniversary and Mother's Day - Didn't I ask for one of these damn games? I dunno what else I could have done to convey my seriousness.

Do you know what it takes for my local WallyWorld to get a supply of Wiis? I just need to buy one from eBay at a mildly inflated price, that's what. 4 days after I ordered mine, WallyWorld got some in and Sweety was there when they were unloaded.

Me and the sprogs have been busy playing Zelda: Twilight Princess today. It's been about 10 years since I owned any sort of game system and it's taken me forever to get the hang of using the controller. I'm hopping around the living room like an uncoordinated monkey coming off of a three day drunk. Speaking of monkeys...

See this one? Wouldn't you love to have a whole box full of these little guys? I would. I'd take them everywhere with me. And I'd train them to steal jewelry and pick pockets. I'm not sure what kind of monkey that is but I found the photo when I did a search for "retarded monkey" but then I decided to try and be politically correct and not compare my playing a video game to something that was retarded but to something that was a substance abuser instead. (Geez, does that sentence make any sense? I'm having a hard time running the English language today.)

How is it that BigBrother & LittleBrother have been in Spanish class since the first grade and neither one of them knows what the hell Dora The Explorer is saying? They couldn't tell me what they learn in that class. Maybe they should be doubling up on the English and writing in school instead of taking Spanish. I'll be glad when they take Spanish in middle school so they can tell me what people are saying around us when we're out and about.

Where is my tiny cheese grater?

Because I need it to rub on my eyes.

If BigBrother asks me one more stinking time...

Are we getting a hotel room on Friday night? (We're going to a theme park on Saturday that's a ways off and we may get a room Friday night so we don't have to get up so early on Saturday. I have already told him eleventy billion times that I won't know until TOMORROW. Is it TOMORROW yet, boy?)

What is for dinner? Are we having *insert food item here*? Can we go to *insert restaurant name here*? (I've already said "I don't know yet. We'll figure it out after your dad gets home." at least 17 times in the past 30 minutes. Just because you keep finding new ways to ask the same damn questions doesn't mean that I'll have an answer for you any sooner.)

The phrase "Quit asking me fucking questions!" is right on the tip of my tongue.

I'm gonna go hide in the bathroom and pretend that I'm pooping. They don't bother me in there if they think I'm doing that.

My Chi Is Screwed

When I got to work last Thursday, I found that everyone in the cube farm had been moved from where they'd been sitting to new spots. I don't like my new spot. Gah. I almost gagged to death before I could properly disinfect my new home.

I don't know if I've mentioned it here before, but I hate to waste steps. What if my feet have only been allotted a certain number of steps before I die? If I'm doing things around the house, I'll plot out how I can take care of my chores using the least number of steps.

Well, to get to my old desk at work it took 50 steps and that was by taking the most direct route. It takes 42 steps to get to my new desk. This is 30 more steps than it should take. My new desk is actually the closest one to the entrance door but I have to walk around the edge of the cube farm to get to the opening where I can access my desk. I have to walk past my desk before looping around the perimeter of the cube farm before I can sit down. If I could just climb over the little wall by my desk and drop down onto it like a spider monkey, it would only take 12 steps. I am so very tempted to use a chair to climb over the wall but I am also now sitting right underneath a security camera (no more picking my nose after everyone leaves) and I don't want to subject the security guards to the sight of me scrabbling over the wall.

You'd think that I'd be happy that my new desk is 8 steps closer than the old one but I'm not. It makes me crazy that I have to walk past my desk (so close yet so far away!) before I can settle into it.

I know that people are starving in Africa, but this is the shit that bugs me.

Saturday Night Gratuitous Photo Post

Tiny Dog got a huge kick out of riding in shotgun (and napping) in Penelope. She's a great copilot.


See where she's sniffing the gear shift? Right after that she climbed up on the armrest and humped the hell out of it. I think the leather smell attracted her.


Why is it that I had that cozy blanket for her but she would only sleep in it for about 97 seconds before cramming herself awkwardly in my lap to nap?

(insert title here)

I got a new car last week (Honda Civic) and I loooove it! It's so much smaller and gets much better gas mileage than the SUV that I was driving. And it has leather interior so when I sit down I just slide right into place. I think about how much I love it before going to sleep at night.

On Tuesday, Tiny Dog and I hopped into Penelope (that's the new car's name, Penny for short) and met up with the lovely Bekah. (Who I see tried to steal Tiny while I was taking a whiz!) Tiny got to meet her first baby and I got to pet Samantha too. Damn, that kid smells good! And her head is perfect! It's so round and fits right in the palm of your hand. I just slobbered all over her.

That evening we went out and met up with some of Bekah's friends and drank ourselves silly. A large time was had and I had the headache to prove it the next morning. Something interesting that I discovered, she likes to bite when she drinks and so do I - so we swapped bites. I think she got the bad end of the deal because it looks like she has a bullseye on each shoulder and I got away with just some teeth marks.

It was so nice getting to be alone with Tiny Dog! She sat in my lap when we were in the car and got to sleep with me in the hotel. The next morning, I drug my hungover ass downstairs to get some breakfast for her. She got to eat grits and sausage for breakfast while on vacation. I think me and Tiny should go on a trip alone every few months just so she can sleep with me. She loves it and so do I. Sweety is not a fan of canines in the bed so she is deprived of that pleasure when we're at home.

Oh, you know that BigBrother vomited all over the place 11 days ago? There must have been something in that kid that reacts badly to carpet because it took about a week to get the smell of death out of the house. It smelled like someone pissed in a bottle and then let it sit in the sun for a few days. I dreaded coming home because I knew that I'd have to live with The Smell. We'd shampooed the carpet multiple times and had put all sorts of things on the spot to get the smell out but nothing was working. We finally got some stuff from Oreck that worked! Yay! Now I don't wanna cry when I'm on my way home from work because I know I'm going to gag as soon as I walk in the house.

Still Here!

Hey, I'm still around and I have a bunch of stuff to talk about but not enough time right now. I'm going on a little road trip and will be back later tomorrow.

I will get back to my blog rounds and to the spewing forth of stuff here soon!