Just so you know, pinching a scrotum between your pointy finger and thumb and then stretching it out only to let it go and fly back into place is not an acceptable form of foreplay. But it is a neat feeling - those things are just like Silly Putty or something. Boing. Sorry, about that, Sweety.
I did some drunk-buying on eBay last night. I've been tanning and have used a couple of samples of this Tandora stuff and it really works. I'm brown like a pecan. (mmmmm....pecans...) The place where I tan sells this stuff for $80 a bottle! So I bought my own and I'll just sneak it into the tanning place in my purse. You're allowed to bring in your own stuff but I don't want them to know that I bought mine somewhere else instead of letting them stick it to me by buying theirs.
Damn, I'm tired.
4/28/07
4/27/07
I Say The F-Word
Sara Sue, this post is for you. Be careful for what you wish for. Please forgive the shoddy filmwork. Sweety's seen better days.
Drop Shots
Drop Shots
I'm A Shitty Nurse
Or maybe Sweety is a shitty patient?
He needs to keep his ass parked on the couch but he got up this morning to clean the kitchen and cook his own breakfast. Now, how in the hell am I supposed to sleep in when I've got some dude with a busted neck wiping down the counters and frying sausage? So I've gotta get up and try and shoo him outta the way so I can do things for him. We actually had a physical confrontation over who would have possession of the sausage. (He won. only because he started to cry and yell "why are you hurting me?". I was afraid that the garbage men would hear and come investigating so I let him continue cooking.)
I was supposed to work yesterday and today but managed to take a couple of days of vacation so I can help Sweety on his road to recovery. It's a good thing that I'm not going to be off the whole 2 weeks that he is because I don't know if we could handle it. Distance makes the heart grow fonder and all of that jazz.
Look at this smiling bitch.
On the days that I'm off, I'll leave the house door to the back porch and the back porch door to the backyard open so the dogs can be free-range dogs. Sweety doesn't like having the doors open to the outside just for the express purpose of letting the dogs come and go as they please, so I had to clear a spot in the sun inside for Tiny dog. She was wandering around, sniffing the doors and looking at me like "Why haven't you opened the door for me yet, woman?" and I knew I better find her a sunny napping spot before she took a grudge shit somewhere. Living with Tiny dog is kind of like living with a tiny, hairy dictator.
And where is Stinky during all of this? Right here beside me, being a good dog. We discovered that there was a little sore on the top of her neck that Tiny dog was eating on and I've spent the past few days making sure that there is some foul tasting medicine on it so Tiny doesn't snack on it. It turns my stomach whenever I think about it. Tiny dog is only a couple of pounds away from being big enough for a shock collar. I'm thinking of strapping one around her waist and giving her a buzz whenever she gets ready to abuse Stinky.
Oh, guess what Sweety had for the very first time when he was in the hospital? Coffee. He has had a lifelong disdain for coffee - he associates the smell with the smell of the cigarettes that his parents would smoke while they had their coffee and he wouldn't drink it. When we went to see him in the hospital, the first thing he wanted to tell me was that he finally had some coffee. When I asked him why, he said that he figured if they were giving it away that he would take it. He didn't like it. The nurse told him that hospital coffee wasn't the thing to try for your first time and that he should get some good coffee from Starbucks when he has the chance.
Sweety doesn't know it, but next week, we are going to Starbucks and then somewhere to get pedicures. Because one thing that I AM NOT FUCKING DOING is trimming his toenails. Nope, not gonna happen. I've never had a pedicure either so it will be something that we can do together for the first time. Sweety is big on "firsts".
He needs to keep his ass parked on the couch but he got up this morning to clean the kitchen and cook his own breakfast. Now, how in the hell am I supposed to sleep in when I've got some dude with a busted neck wiping down the counters and frying sausage? So I've gotta get up and try and shoo him outta the way so I can do things for him. We actually had a physical confrontation over who would have possession of the sausage. (He won. only because he started to cry and yell "why are you hurting me?". I was afraid that the garbage men would hear and come investigating so I let him continue cooking.)
I was supposed to work yesterday and today but managed to take a couple of days of vacation so I can help Sweety on his road to recovery. It's a good thing that I'm not going to be off the whole 2 weeks that he is because I don't know if we could handle it. Distance makes the heart grow fonder and all of that jazz.
Look at this smiling bitch.
On the days that I'm off, I'll leave the house door to the back porch and the back porch door to the backyard open so the dogs can be free-range dogs. Sweety doesn't like having the doors open to the outside just for the express purpose of letting the dogs come and go as they please, so I had to clear a spot in the sun inside for Tiny dog. She was wandering around, sniffing the doors and looking at me like "Why haven't you opened the door for me yet, woman?" and I knew I better find her a sunny napping spot before she took a grudge shit somewhere. Living with Tiny dog is kind of like living with a tiny, hairy dictator.
And where is Stinky during all of this? Right here beside me, being a good dog. We discovered that there was a little sore on the top of her neck that Tiny dog was eating on and I've spent the past few days making sure that there is some foul tasting medicine on it so Tiny doesn't snack on it. It turns my stomach whenever I think about it. Tiny dog is only a couple of pounds away from being big enough for a shock collar. I'm thinking of strapping one around her waist and giving her a buzz whenever she gets ready to abuse Stinky.
Oh, guess what Sweety had for the very first time when he was in the hospital? Coffee. He has had a lifelong disdain for coffee - he associates the smell with the smell of the cigarettes that his parents would smoke while they had their coffee and he wouldn't drink it. When we went to see him in the hospital, the first thing he wanted to tell me was that he finally had some coffee. When I asked him why, he said that he figured if they were giving it away that he would take it. He didn't like it. The nurse told him that hospital coffee wasn't the thing to try for your first time and that he should get some good coffee from Starbucks when he has the chance.
Sweety doesn't know it, but next week, we are going to Starbucks and then somewhere to get pedicures. Because one thing that I AM NOT FUCKING DOING is trimming his toenails. Nope, not gonna happen. I've never had a pedicure either so it will be something that we can do together for the first time. Sweety is big on "firsts".
4/26/07
What Do You Like?
I've finally stepped into the 21st century and acquired a Netflix subscription. Now I need some movies to fill up my queue. I'm pretty current on recent movies but I didn't watch a lot of movies when I was growing up.
I just watched Sixteen Candles a couple of days ago. It was good but I don't think my life would have been changed if I'd have seen it when I was younger.
So, People, what are some of your favorites?
I just watched Sixteen Candles a couple of days ago. It was good but I don't think my life would have been changed if I'd have seen it when I was younger.
So, People, what are some of your favorites?
4/25/07
I Know That You're Dying To Know What I Did Today
Sweety had his surgery today. So now his 4, 5, and 6 discs are fused together. We saw him afterwards and he said that most of the numbness and tingling that was in his fingers has gone away. I'm just really glad that he didn't "die or fall off the face of the earth" and that all is well. (The COAEW was kind enough to let Sweety know the other night that if he croaked that I'd never see the boys again. She's a real gem.)
Yesterday it was decided that she would have the boys tonight but when Sweety realized that I couldn't stay overnight with him in the hospital and would be coming home, she said it would be better if the boys stayed with me tonight and I could take them to school tomorrow. (Damn, that is one fucked up sentence. I'm tired. But you know what I mean, right?) I had to take the boys to the store with me to get some toothpaste and I was so tired that I almost passed out. Got all light-headed and started seeing stars.
I'm so glad that they are in bed now. I let them stay up an hour past their regular bedtime since we did so much running around tonight. As soon as I got them from school we went to the hospital to check on Sweety (but we couldn't see him at that time), then to baseball practice, then to the hospital to visit Sweety, then LittleBrother and me went and got food for everyone, then to the store, then to a drive-through to get the boys a pie for dessert and then home.
While I was out and about today, I did manage to photo some people who pissed me off.
Exhibit A. I guess this was this chick's way of NOT parking in the handicap spot. She pulled her car in so that the damn thing was blocked off for use by anyone else but she wasn't really in it. (And she didn't have a handicap sticker or hangtag for the window.) I wanted to get out and knock on her window and ask here what the hell she was doing but I refrained.
Exhibit B. These are the bleachers that I was sitting in during the boys' baseball practice. We got to practice about 15 minutes early (before everyone else) and I was planted on the top bench right behind where this lady decided to plop down. See that thing in her right hand? That long white thing? That lit cigarette?! Yeah, I really appreciated her sitting down right in front of me (when the whole area of bleachers was empty) and then proceeding to blow clouds of smoke that attacked me. So I had to move. It was move or get a secondhand nicotine high and go crazy and kill everyone. Moving seemed wiser.
Heh, guess what I did to avoid paying on my bet the other night? I got in bed and told Sweety that if he wanted it that he could come and get it. But he couldn't come and get it because of his bum arm! He hasn't been able to hold himself up on his forearms since he's been hurting. I'm not sure, but I think it sounded like he was crying when he realized that he was going to miss out cashing in on the bet due to his current state of weakness. He says that once his arm is all better that he's going to beat me with it. I'm not worried.
My eyes are burny and I must retire. Maybe Tiny would like to give them a soothing lick? I'll take my contacts out, just in case. The girls and I are going to have a threesome since Sweety is gone.
Yesterday it was decided that she would have the boys tonight but when Sweety realized that I couldn't stay overnight with him in the hospital and would be coming home, she said it would be better if the boys stayed with me tonight and I could take them to school tomorrow. (Damn, that is one fucked up sentence. I'm tired. But you know what I mean, right?) I had to take the boys to the store with me to get some toothpaste and I was so tired that I almost passed out. Got all light-headed and started seeing stars.
I'm so glad that they are in bed now. I let them stay up an hour past their regular bedtime since we did so much running around tonight. As soon as I got them from school we went to the hospital to check on Sweety (but we couldn't see him at that time), then to baseball practice, then to the hospital to visit Sweety, then LittleBrother and me went and got food for everyone, then to the store, then to a drive-through to get the boys a pie for dessert and then home.
While I was out and about today, I did manage to photo some people who pissed me off.
Exhibit A. I guess this was this chick's way of NOT parking in the handicap spot. She pulled her car in so that the damn thing was blocked off for use by anyone else but she wasn't really in it. (And she didn't have a handicap sticker or hangtag for the window.) I wanted to get out and knock on her window and ask here what the hell she was doing but I refrained.
Exhibit B. These are the bleachers that I was sitting in during the boys' baseball practice. We got to practice about 15 minutes early (before everyone else) and I was planted on the top bench right behind where this lady decided to plop down. See that thing in her right hand? That long white thing? That lit cigarette?! Yeah, I really appreciated her sitting down right in front of me (when the whole area of bleachers was empty) and then proceeding to blow clouds of smoke that attacked me. So I had to move. It was move or get a secondhand nicotine high and go crazy and kill everyone. Moving seemed wiser.
Heh, guess what I did to avoid paying on my bet the other night? I got in bed and told Sweety that if he wanted it that he could come and get it. But he couldn't come and get it because of his bum arm! He hasn't been able to hold himself up on his forearms since he's been hurting. I'm not sure, but I think it sounded like he was crying when he realized that he was going to miss out cashing in on the bet due to his current state of weakness. He says that once his arm is all better that he's going to beat me with it. I'm not worried.
My eyes are burny and I must retire. Maybe Tiny would like to give them a soothing lick? I'll take my contacts out, just in case. The girls and I are going to have a threesome since Sweety is gone.
4/23/07
Bitch is Crazy with a capital "C"
Last night the fucknut of an exwife says that she won't have me picking her kids up from school anymore and today she's changed her tune. Sweety called her tonight to make sure that she was going to be getting the boys tomorrow (like her crazy, slobbering ass said she was last night) and she apologized and told Sweety "you know how I get when I lose control - talking before I think" and that she'd like everything with the boys' schedule to stay as it is.
A good side to all of this - this whole episode has brought Sweety's nuts out of hiding. He told the bitch today that he wasn't trying to please her but was trying to please the person that he lives with. Go Sweety!
You know what really bites about this? (Besides me not getting my afternoons to myself while she bonds with her children?) I made a bet with Sweety last night. I bet that she definitely would get the boys from school on Monday and that she'd insist on doing it Tuesday and Wednesday. I couldn't imagine calling someone and saying the shit that she said and then not following through with my threats. (If I was her, I'd be picking my kids up from school like I said I would and then I'd suck rotten weenies at night for extra cash since I couldn't babysit during the day because I was devoting my time to my children.) He said that when she woke up today that she'd change her mind. At first I bet him $100 that that wouldn't be the case, but I was so sure that I'd win that I upped it to ass sex.
If he is any sort of gentleman, he won't try to collect.
A good side to all of this - this whole episode has brought Sweety's nuts out of hiding. He told the bitch today that he wasn't trying to please her but was trying to please the person that he lives with. Go Sweety!
You know what really bites about this? (Besides me not getting my afternoons to myself while she bonds with her children?) I made a bet with Sweety last night. I bet that she definitely would get the boys from school on Monday and that she'd insist on doing it Tuesday and Wednesday. I couldn't imagine calling someone and saying the shit that she said and then not following through with my threats. (If I was her, I'd be picking my kids up from school like I said I would and then I'd suck rotten weenies at night for extra cash since I couldn't babysit during the day because I was devoting my time to my children.) He said that when she woke up today that she'd change her mind. At first I bet him $100 that that wouldn't be the case, but I was so sure that I'd win that I upped it to ass sex.
If he is any sort of gentleman, he won't try to collect.
4/21/07
More Juicy Goodness From The COAEW
Oh wow. The cuntofanexwife really tied one on tonight. I'll explain it all the best that I can but I'm still kind of pissed and it was all just kind of strange.
A few months ago we found out that LittleBrother had sent her more than one email asking her to pick him up early from school. Even went so far as to tell her what time to pick him up. So we blocked his email access to her.
Not too long after that, she sent BigBrother a music video and in it someone was making that little tongue waggly motion that guys do to act like they're eating pussy. And BB mimicked it to me. Do you know fucking traumatic that was for me? So we blocked his email access to her.
She realized this a couple of weeks after it happened and called and asked Sweety why she couldn't email the boys. Sweety (not wanting a fight) just told her that he didn't know anything about it.
And that's been that for a few months.
Tonight, she tried to email something to BB and when she couldn't, she left a message on Sweety's voicemail along the lines of "it's not fair that you won't let me email the boys and if you don't know anything about it and it's your wife's doing and you're afraid to talk to her about it then she can call me."
So I did.
COAEW? I got your message and am calling to explain to you why LB and BB aren't set up to get emails from you. When we found out that LB was mailing you, asking to be picked up from school early, we blocked his access. When you sent BB that delightful Eminem video where he's moving his tongue like he's licking pussy and BB mimicked it, we blocked his.
You have no right to do that! It's like if when you were to call here for the boys and I screened your calls and didn't answer them! (um, hello? we don't call the boys when they are at her house because they are at her house and it's her time with them.) You have overstepped your boundaries so many times with the boys. BB has so many issues from the conversation that you had in front of him about babysitting at my house. You don't understand how many issues he has because of this.
(Gee, and you don't know how many issues he has over the times that you've promised something and not delivered. How about last Thanksgiving when you promised the boys that just you and them would go eat dinner somewhere and they were all excited about it and insted your new fucking boyfriend and his kids came to your house for a "slumber party"?)
And she started to go on and on about all kinds of shit. It occurred to me that I didn't have to listen to her so I told her that I'd called her to discuss the email situation and nothing else and that I hoped she had a good night and then I hung up. (Oh wait, before I hung up when she was saying she didn't restrict my access to them I told her that I wasn't sending them pornographic emails. That was when she kind of lost her marbles and became an incoherent screaming mess.)
It took .2 seconds before Sweety's phone started blowing up. After the third call he decided to answer it. What a conversation they had. She wanted to bring up all kinds of shit that had happened years before (her anger over the fact that Sweety married me without consulting her and whatnot).
She told Sweety since I called the shots at our house that she'd just start talking to me concerning the boys. Sweety laughed and told her that she'd really be better off talking to him because she was simply no match for me.
She just left Sweety a message telling him that some of the things that I have done concerning the boys is against the law and that she will be picking them up from school from now on if he is unable to.
Gee, hurt me bitch! Hurt me! I fucking loooooooove spending 3 hours each day on my days off getting your kids from school! I totally enjoy fighting for parking and then sitting in the sun when I could be at home in my bed. Really! I will be fucking crushed if I have my days off to my damn self. Whatever will I do with all of that time? Go to the beach? Get my nails done? Nap? I am really hoping that she sticks to that "threat".
What a deep fried cunt. If there is a god, he will take her home tonight.
A few months ago we found out that LittleBrother had sent her more than one email asking her to pick him up early from school. Even went so far as to tell her what time to pick him up. So we blocked his email access to her.
Not too long after that, she sent BigBrother a music video and in it someone was making that little tongue waggly motion that guys do to act like they're eating pussy. And BB mimicked it to me. Do you know fucking traumatic that was for me? So we blocked his email access to her.
She realized this a couple of weeks after it happened and called and asked Sweety why she couldn't email the boys. Sweety (not wanting a fight) just told her that he didn't know anything about it.
And that's been that for a few months.
Tonight, she tried to email something to BB and when she couldn't, she left a message on Sweety's voicemail along the lines of "it's not fair that you won't let me email the boys and if you don't know anything about it and it's your wife's doing and you're afraid to talk to her about it then she can call me."
So I did.
COAEW? I got your message and am calling to explain to you why LB and BB aren't set up to get emails from you. When we found out that LB was mailing you, asking to be picked up from school early, we blocked his access. When you sent BB that delightful Eminem video where he's moving his tongue like he's licking pussy and BB mimicked it, we blocked his.
You have no right to do that! It's like if when you were to call here for the boys and I screened your calls and didn't answer them! (um, hello? we don't call the boys when they are at her house because they are at her house and it's her time with them.) You have overstepped your boundaries so many times with the boys. BB has so many issues from the conversation that you had in front of him about babysitting at my house. You don't understand how many issues he has because of this.
(Gee, and you don't know how many issues he has over the times that you've promised something and not delivered. How about last Thanksgiving when you promised the boys that just you and them would go eat dinner somewhere and they were all excited about it and insted your new fucking boyfriend and his kids came to your house for a "slumber party"?)
And she started to go on and on about all kinds of shit. It occurred to me that I didn't have to listen to her so I told her that I'd called her to discuss the email situation and nothing else and that I hoped she had a good night and then I hung up. (Oh wait, before I hung up when she was saying she didn't restrict my access to them I told her that I wasn't sending them pornographic emails. That was when she kind of lost her marbles and became an incoherent screaming mess.)
It took .2 seconds before Sweety's phone started blowing up. After the third call he decided to answer it. What a conversation they had. She wanted to bring up all kinds of shit that had happened years before (her anger over the fact that Sweety married me without consulting her and whatnot).
She told Sweety since I called the shots at our house that she'd just start talking to me concerning the boys. Sweety laughed and told her that she'd really be better off talking to him because she was simply no match for me.
She just left Sweety a message telling him that some of the things that I have done concerning the boys is against the law and that she will be picking them up from school from now on if he is unable to.
Gee, hurt me bitch! Hurt me! I fucking loooooooove spending 3 hours each day on my days off getting your kids from school! I totally enjoy fighting for parking and then sitting in the sun when I could be at home in my bed. Really! I will be fucking crushed if I have my days off to my damn self. Whatever will I do with all of that time? Go to the beach? Get my nails done? Nap? I am really hoping that she sticks to that "threat".
What a deep fried cunt. If there is a god, he will take her home tonight.
4/19/07
4/18/07
Impulses
I am so glad that Easter is over. What was it...like a month before Easter when those hollow chocolate bunnies started showing up in stores? Those bunnies make me crazy because every single time I walk by one, I want to smash it in* with my thumb. I get the same urge with fresh corn on the cob that's wrapped in cellophane too. When I was a kid, I used to poke my finger in raw hamburger meat packages at the grocery store. I quit doing that when I decided that I could get worms from raw meat.
* This is merely a representation that was found on the internet. It was too hard to take photos in the store after I slaughtered a bunny.
4/17/07
Hola!
Why do people park like this? Do you really think that it will help keep your Jaguar safe? I think it puts a target on you. If I don't want my car to get dinged, then I park in the back of the lot and walk up. Not up front, taking up two spots. Sir, I hope that someday, my evil twin drags her purse across your hood. This peeves me just a bit less than going to the school to pick up the boys and seeing someone stop their car in the crosswalk.My next 30 days worth of food from Nutrisystem arrived last night. I love mail. Even when it's just little pouches of food. So far, I've lost right at 20 pounds. I should be ready to run naked through the
You know I took Tiny Dog to the baseball game the other night? Guess what that bitch has a taste for now? Already chewed gum. When I sat down I made sure to sweep away all the peanut shells and cigarette butts so she wouldn't eat them. I didn't think that she'd scrape the gum that was smashed into the sidewalk up but she did. It took less that 3 seconds for me to fish the gooey mess out of her mouth. I was so panicked, that I forgot to be grossed out over the fact that I was touching someone else's used gum.
Patti_Cake mentioned that someone at her work prays in the bathroom stalls and that reminded me of something - I don't know if I've mentioned it here before, but I think there is nothing creepier than a kid talking/muttering in their sleep. LittleBrother does it every night and it makes my hair stand on end. Me and Sweety say that he's rebooting for the next day and getting some sort of other worldly direction on his activities.
Oh! Jehovah's Witnesses are knocking on the door. They've been coming around for about 3 years now and I just don't have the heart to tell them that I don't believe in anything. I should have told them in the beginning but didn't want to be rude. Now that the charade has been going on for so long I'd really feel like a tool if I told them that I didn't have any sort of religious beliefs (and have been letting them waste their time), so I just hide and be quiet when they come by now. I guess I'll go see what magazines they left today.
4/16/07
This & That
I'd like to clarify something. I did say that I liked to use the handicap designated stalls in bathrooms but let me also say that I don't seek them out to use if others are available. The only time I use them is when I'm at work and the others are full. I understand that there are people out there that really do need them and I don't want to clog one up with my able-body. The last time that I used one of them in a public place was about 6 years ago (I'd first moved here and was afraid of losing one of the boys) and I had 3 small kids with me that didn't belong to me. When we came out, there was a lady in a wheelchair waiting for it. I felt so horrible that after that, instead of putting the boys in the stall with me with their noses in the corner, I'd stand them up by the door and make them sing "Twinkle, Twinkle, Little Star" so I'd know that nobody had stolen them.
We've finally decided how we're going to work things when Sweety has his neck surgery. It's going to be on a Tuesday (which is when the boys are here) and Sweety was going to ask the ExWife if she would keep the boys on Tuesday and Wednesday since he'd be in the hospital. I'd planned on pacing the waiting room while Sweety was getting whacked on and then camping out in his hospital room that night but Sweety would rather that I keep the boys because he thinks that I'll do a better job of keeping the boys from freaking out about the fact that he's in the hospital than their mother would. The plan is that I'll tote him to the hospital for the surgery and it should be finished by the time the boys get out of school. Then I'll take them out to eat and tell them what happened and then we'll visit Sweety. Or, worse case scenario, something goes horribly awry during the surgery and I'll throw the boys out at their mom's house and then call them with the bad news.
The boys had a baseball game this Saturday and Tiny Dog went with us to the field. She had a large time. The EW was there with her two other kids (ages 5-ish and 2-ish) and they really got a kick out of seeing the dog that LittleBrother and BigBrother talk about. I sat with them so they could pet her. I feel pretty sorry for the boys' little brother because he's not allowed to do anything that will agitate his little sister. The kid couldn't so much as blink without the little sister screaming and then the EW would give him a speech about how he couldn't do whatever it was because it would make the baby cry because she wanted to do it too. Little sister seemed to be a bit spoiled rotten.
In no particular order, I'd like to give a shout out to a few folks...
Oh goody! I just got an email telling me that I've won an eBay auction! It was for a Jeffery Deaver book - Twisted. It's a collection of short stories and every one of them has an ending that's like a kick in the pants. More Twisted is the second collection and it's good too. I'm waiting for an auction to end on that one also so I can add it to my pile.
I better go to bed before the dogs realize that they're in the room alone with Sweety and start losing their marbles.
We've finally decided how we're going to work things when Sweety has his neck surgery. It's going to be on a Tuesday (which is when the boys are here) and Sweety was going to ask the ExWife if she would keep the boys on Tuesday and Wednesday since he'd be in the hospital. I'd planned on pacing the waiting room while Sweety was getting whacked on and then camping out in his hospital room that night but Sweety would rather that I keep the boys because he thinks that I'll do a better job of keeping the boys from freaking out about the fact that he's in the hospital than their mother would. The plan is that I'll tote him to the hospital for the surgery and it should be finished by the time the boys get out of school. Then I'll take them out to eat and tell them what happened and then we'll visit Sweety. Or, worse case scenario, something goes horribly awry during the surgery and I'll throw the boys out at their mom's house and then call them with the bad news.
The boys had a baseball game this Saturday and Tiny Dog went with us to the field. She had a large time. The EW was there with her two other kids (ages 5-ish and 2-ish) and they really got a kick out of seeing the dog that LittleBrother and BigBrother talk about. I sat with them so they could pet her. I feel pretty sorry for the boys' little brother because he's not allowed to do anything that will agitate his little sister. The kid couldn't so much as blink without the little sister screaming and then the EW would give him a speech about how he couldn't do whatever it was because it would make the baby cry because she wanted to do it too. Little sister seemed to be a bit spoiled rotten.
In no particular order, I'd like to give a shout out to a few folks...
To the fucking asshole that took my keyboard away from my computer at work and put a broken one in its place:I had some pretty interesting calls today. One little old lady made me cry. She said something about being 83 years old and that her son didn't want her to buy a lake house because he thought she was too old for it. Then she mentioned her "own James Bond dying in 1997" and told me all about her husband who had died in 1997 and about how much she still missed him. They'd been married for 53 years when he died.
Thanks! I really appreciated - Getting to work - Noticing that my keyboard was unplugged - Spending 15 minutes maneuvering the plug-in back into place in the back of the computer by contorting my body into totally unnatural angles and then finding that the keyboard was busted. Next time, just leave a note that says something along the lines of Ha-ha! You aren't here so I decided to trade my broke shit for yours! It would have saved me some aggravation.*
To the customer who whistled into the phone to let me know that he didn't agree with something I'd said:
My right eardrum is leaking now, thanks to you.*
To the litterbug motherfucker who threw his cigar butt out his window and onto my windshield on the interstate:
That was just what I needed to make my ride home more enjoyable. Thanks a million!*
To Sweety (that I love so very much) who had me drive through McDonald's for him on my way home from work:
Dude, don't you know that was like sending a recovering alcoholic on a beer run? I didn't eat any of it but I don't know if the drool stains will come off of the steering wheel.
Oh goody! I just got an email telling me that I've won an eBay auction! It was for a Jeffery Deaver book - Twisted. It's a collection of short stories and every one of them has an ending that's like a kick in the pants. More Twisted is the second collection and it's good too. I'm waiting for an auction to end on that one also so I can add it to my pile.
I better go to bed before the dogs realize that they're in the room alone with Sweety and start losing their marbles.
4/14/07
Bathroom Habits
Why do some people make unnecessary noise in the bathroom? The lady singing gospel songs in the stall next to me takes first place in my book for being the most annoying person ever. Maybe she thought she was on American Idol. She sang for a good 5 minutes before I thought to record her. It's not like I was doing anything else because my all of my holes slammed shut as soon as she started to sing.
I also really hate the people that want to talk to you while you're in the stall. I don't want to talk to anyone while my body is excreting anything.
I also really hate the people that want to talk to you while you're in the stall. I don't want to talk to anyone while my body is excreting anything.
4/12/07
If It's Not One Thing Then It's A Million
Monday was a pain in the ass.
In order, I:
See those blue birds on the gear control? I've had them forever. I got them 7 or so years ago and they rode to Florida on my old truck's gear shift and then migrated to this one. During the 19 hour drive from Texas to Flordia, Sweety and I used the birds to talk to each other and illustrate sexual acts. Good times, good times.
Happy Half Nekkid Thursday!
In order, I:
Drove halfway to work before rememebering that I'd left the back door and the porch door leading to the back door hanging wide open. Called Sweety to let him know that I'd done it so I wouldn't spend all day worrying about how pissed he'd be to come home and find it. I'd rather get the ass chewing out of the way.While I was at work, I made myself a sign as a reminder to "check the door" before I leave. I think if I leave the house open again that Sweety will beat me with a rubber hose.
Got to work to find that I'd left my identification badge at home. But hey, that's okay! I can show the security guards my driver's license and they'll give me a temporary badge!
Oh goody, I've left my driver's license at home also! Have the feeling that my supervisor is on vacation so she won't be able to let me into the building. If your supervisor isn't in and you don't have photo ID then security will send you home to get your badge. Let dread build in my guts as I approach the front desk at work.
Thank my lucky stars that the security guard took pity on me and let me in anyway instead of sending me home for my badge and causing me to be 90 minutes late for work.
Got really thirsty. Walk halfway to the cafeteria and realize that I had no debit card or form of payment on me. Drink water that tastes like it came out of the toilet from the water fountain while thinking of soda.
See those blue birds on the gear control? I've had them forever. I got them 7 or so years ago and they rode to Florida on my old truck's gear shift and then migrated to this one. During the 19 hour drive from Texas to Flordia, Sweety and I used the birds to talk to each other and illustrate sexual acts. Good times, good times.
Happy Half Nekkid Thursday!
4/10/07
The Power Of Thinking
I must be the last person on the planet to hear about The Secret. I didn't watch the movie but read the book at work the other day.
The basic premise is that like attracts like and if you throw positive energy out and live like you already have what you want, then it will come to you.
So, I decided to try some positive thoughtbeams instead of my normal evil ones.
It didn't work very well.
Have you ever had a thought that wasn't nice at all and you know it but you just can't quit thinking it?
When I have the opportunity, I love to use handicap accessible bathrooms. I like the luxury of having my own sink and room to turn around. Whenever I latch the door behind me in one I always say a quick prayer of thanks: "Thank you God for making handicapped people so I can have this bathroom. Amen." And as soon as I say that I wince to myself because it is such a not nice thing to say.
I figure it's just a matter of time before Sweety or I becomes wheelchair bound and then I'll have to use them as a necessity.
The basic premise is that like attracts like and if you throw positive energy out and live like you already have what you want, then it will come to you.
So, I decided to try some positive thoughtbeams instead of my normal evil ones.
It didn't work very well.
Have you ever had a thought that wasn't nice at all and you know it but you just can't quit thinking it?
When I have the opportunity, I love to use handicap accessible bathrooms. I like the luxury of having my own sink and room to turn around. Whenever I latch the door behind me in one I always say a quick prayer of thanks: "Thank you God for making handicapped people so I can have this bathroom. Amen." And as soon as I say that I wince to myself because it is such a not nice thing to say.
I figure it's just a matter of time before Sweety or I becomes wheelchair bound and then I'll have to use them as a necessity.
4/9/07
Easter Hangover
So, how did I choose to celebrate the resurrection of our Lord & Savior?
By tearing through Dunkin Donuts like a bat outta hell. I stopped there on my way to work and got a dozen donuts, a box of coffee and an onion bagel with cream cheese. And that bagel was tasteeee. And the coffee. Oh man, I probably had 5 well doctored up cups along with my three donuts. By the time my lunch time rolled around (at 3:30 p.m.), I was crashing hard off of my sugar induced high and went and took a nap in my car.
This was the first major deviation that I've had from my diet and I'm not going to beat myself up over it. As a matter of fact, I give myself points for not going whole hog and eating 2 cheeseburgers and salty, golden fries for lunch.
I was thinking today...
If you could go the rest of your life and eat whatever you wanted and not gain an ounce but you had to give up orgasms, would you? You could still have sex, and heck, you wouldn't even have to let your partner know that you weren't getting the big O. You could just fake it. I think I'd pass on the orgasms. Probably.
By tearing through Dunkin Donuts like a bat outta hell. I stopped there on my way to work and got a dozen donuts, a box of coffee and an onion bagel with cream cheese. And that bagel was tasteeee. And the coffee. Oh man, I probably had 5 well doctored up cups along with my three donuts. By the time my lunch time rolled around (at 3:30 p.m.), I was crashing hard off of my sugar induced high and went and took a nap in my car.
This was the first major deviation that I've had from my diet and I'm not going to beat myself up over it. As a matter of fact, I give myself points for not going whole hog and eating 2 cheeseburgers and salty, golden fries for lunch.
I was thinking today...
If you could go the rest of your life and eat whatever you wanted and not gain an ounce but you had to give up orgasms, would you? You could still have sex, and heck, you wouldn't even have to let your partner know that you weren't getting the big O. You could just fake it. I think I'd pass on the orgasms. Probably.
4/8/07
Bob Dole & Easter Bunnying
Here is Sweety pretending to be Bob Dole. I love how he asks for a pen.
Dropshots
Sweety is having spinal fusion surgery done towards the end of this month to fix his jacked up self. It's gotten to where he can't stand it anymore. And I can't stand it anymore either. Hurting all of the time has turned him into a real grouchass.
The Easter Bunny has worked her magic and is ready for bed. The boys have eggs to hunt outside and a follow-the-paper-trail hunt inside. I am one kick ass Easter Bunny. Easter is one of my favorite holidays because I get to hide small things.
This joke has always tickled me.
Dropshots
Sweety is having spinal fusion surgery done towards the end of this month to fix his jacked up self. It's gotten to where he can't stand it anymore. And I can't stand it anymore either. Hurting all of the time has turned him into a real grouchass.
The Easter Bunny has worked her magic and is ready for bed. The boys have eggs to hunt outside and a follow-the-paper-trail hunt inside. I am one kick ass Easter Bunny. Easter is one of my favorite holidays because I get to hide small things.
This joke has always tickled me.
A man was blissfully driving along the highway, when he saw the Easter Bunny hopping across the middle of the road. He swerved to avoid hitting the Bunny, but unfortunately the rabbit jumped in front of his car and was hit. The basket of eggs went flying all over the place. Candy, too.Heh, I hope everybody has a good one!
The driver, being a sensitive man as well as an animal lover, pulled over to the side of the road, and got out to see what had become of the Bunny carrying the basket. Much to his dismay, the colorful Bunny was dead.
The driver felt guilty and began to cry.
A woman driving down the same highway saw the man crying on the side of the road and pulled over. She stepped out of her car and asked the man what was wrong.
"I feel terrible," he explained. "I accidentally hit the Easter Bunny and killed it. There may not be an Easter because of me. What should I do? "
The woman told the man not to worry. She knew exactly what to do. She went to her car trunk, and pulled out a spray can. She walked over to the limp, dead Bunny, and sprayed the entire contents of the can onto the little furry animal.
Miraculously the Easter Bunny came to back life, jumped up, picked up the spilled eggs and candy, waved its paw at the two humans and hopped on down the road. 50 yards away the Easter Bunny stopped, turned around, waved and hopped on down the road another 50 yards, turned, waved, hopped another 50 yards and waved again!!!!
The man was astonished.
He said to the woman, "What in heaven's name is in your spray can? What was it that you sprayed on the Easter Bunny?"
The woman turned the can around so that the man could read the label.
It said: "Hair spray. Restores life to dead hair. Adds permanent wave."
4/5/07
4/4/07
Highlights From Sweety's Childhood
We were sitting around, watching the telly, when Sweety piped up with, "I wish I had a meat grinder." And proceeded to tell me the grossest thing ever.
When he was a kid, him and his 2 sisters would take their mom's meat grinder and use it to make snow cones. The first batch of snow cones always had a bit of meat and gristle and rust from the machine in it and they'd make the youngest sister eat those. The following batches had a meaty flavor but not as much rust.
I didn't believe him when he told me this so he called his sister to corroborate the story. All he said was, "Hey, do you remember Mom's meat grinder?" and she proceeded to tell the same meat-snow-cone story.
Other tidbits that Sweety shared:
He once buried a coffee can will a bunch of money in it because his dad told him to. His dad gave it to him and told him that he (Sweety) was to be the only person to know where it was and that he'd have to dig it up later. Sweety was 11 and months later, when asked for the money, did remember where he buried it.
Eating nothing but Spam for over 2 months. Sweety's dad was a truck driver and he ended up with some extra.
He used to take an old-fashioned drill (that you just cranked by hand) and drill holes about 2 inches in diameter in the trees in his yard. Then he'd catch lizards and stuff them into their new condos. Sweety's dad kept finding the holes and cursing whoever was out to get him by fucking up his trees.
Going out to eat once a month and three kids shared a kid's meal. This continued til Sweety was 14 or so. He weighed 169 pounds when he graduated high school and was 6 and a half feet tall. He looked like an albino string bean. I found a really great photo of him taken during that time but he has forbidden me from sharting that little nugget. Have I mentioned that Sweety was picked by some college to play basketball for them but he quit college after a few months to come home because he missed his girlfriend? Ironically enough, this girlfriend did not turn out to be his first wife.
Dragging the mattresses into the yard and then leaping from the house on them. There wasn't a lot of parental supervision around when Sweety was growing up.
Living in a house where the parents smoked 6 packs of cigarettes a day. Sweety's sister took a cake to school once and when they cut it open the smell of smoke wafted out of it. Nobody ate any.
I told him that him and his sisters should write a book. I'm sure that Oprah would snap that shit right up.
When he was a kid, him and his 2 sisters would take their mom's meat grinder and use it to make snow cones. The first batch of snow cones always had a bit of meat and gristle and rust from the machine in it and they'd make the youngest sister eat those. The following batches had a meaty flavor but not as much rust.
I didn't believe him when he told me this so he called his sister to corroborate the story. All he said was, "Hey, do you remember Mom's meat grinder?" and she proceeded to tell the same meat-snow-cone story.
Other tidbits that Sweety shared:
He once buried a coffee can will a bunch of money in it because his dad told him to. His dad gave it to him and told him that he (Sweety) was to be the only person to know where it was and that he'd have to dig it up later. Sweety was 11 and months later, when asked for the money, did remember where he buried it.
Eating nothing but Spam for over 2 months. Sweety's dad was a truck driver and he ended up with some extra.
He used to take an old-fashioned drill (that you just cranked by hand) and drill holes about 2 inches in diameter in the trees in his yard. Then he'd catch lizards and stuff them into their new condos. Sweety's dad kept finding the holes and cursing whoever was out to get him by fucking up his trees.
Going out to eat once a month and three kids shared a kid's meal. This continued til Sweety was 14 or so. He weighed 169 pounds when he graduated high school and was 6 and a half feet tall. He looked like an albino string bean. I found a really great photo of him taken during that time but he has forbidden me from sharting that little nugget. Have I mentioned that Sweety was picked by some college to play basketball for them but he quit college after a few months to come home because he missed his girlfriend? Ironically enough, this girlfriend did not turn out to be his first wife.
Dragging the mattresses into the yard and then leaping from the house on them. There wasn't a lot of parental supervision around when Sweety was growing up.
Living in a house where the parents smoked 6 packs of cigarettes a day. Sweety's sister took a cake to school once and when they cut it open the smell of smoke wafted out of it. Nobody ate any.
I told him that him and his sisters should write a book. I'm sure that Oprah would snap that shit right up.
4/3/07
Odds n Ends
I won a bet with Sweety! When we dropped the boys off at their cuntofamother's house after their baseball game on Saturday, their 1.5 year old sister came toddling out of the house with her pajamas on. The boys have mentioned that their sister and little brother always stay up late and they can't get them to sleep. I told Sweety that the sister must be in her p.j.'s at 7 p.m. because mom is going to try and get her to sleep before she goes bar hopping. BigBrother said that he babysat on Saturday and now Sweety owes me a dollar. I think I'll let him slide on paying me back.
Let me share with you what a selfish bitch I've become.
We have booked our travel to Reno in May so we are definitely going and I am most pleased. I want to be not responsible for someone for a couple of days.
Stinky dog is on her sixth day of rocking the cone and she's not loving it. She gets another bath tonight and then I'll decide if she has to keep it on. I'm thinking she will because her tail is still sore and she still tries to nibble it when the cone is gone. The only good thing for her about the cone is that Tiny dog is freaked out by it and won't hump her, lick her eyeballs or eat her scabs when it is on. (By the same token, it is bad for me because I have to fish out her eye boogers now. Makes me realize how I take for granted the little things that Tiny brings to the household.) The other night, when the cone was off for a bit, Tiny dog humped her until she fell into an exhausted heap behind Stinky. I guess she's been missing her Stinky dog action.
Let me share with you what a selfish bitch I've become.
Setting: I realize that Sweety will be home early on a day in the future for a parent/teacher conference for BB and it's one of the kinds of meetings that I don't go to.Isn't it nice that he knew exactly what I was thinking at the end there? I just love that we are so in tune with one another. Later, Sweety told me that with the way his work is going that he can't tell me for sure that he will be able to get home that early a week in advance. So I've decided that on that day me and LB will go watch a movie and have dinner somewhere. And I'm feeling much less mean this morning which is a good thing.
Hey! Could you get in like 30 minutes earlier and get LittleBrother from school that day too?
Why? What do you want to do?
(What I'm thinking: Why the fuck does it matter what I'm doing? This is a yes or no question, buddy!)
What I say: I don't know. Go to the beach or the mall or the bookstore. Just something.
The beach? You don't like the beach.
Just fucking SOMEWHERE, okay? I'm tired of fetching and getting kids all the damn time on my days off and I thought that since you were going to be here early that you could be here a bit earlier is all.
You're leaving me aren't you?
Yeah, if I don't have some time to myself.
What about me? When do I get any time to myself?
*blink* *blink* Thinking to self: I don't know and I don't give a shit.
You don't care do you?
Honestly, no. No, at this point I don't.
We have booked our travel to Reno in May so we are definitely going and I am most pleased. I want to be not responsible for someone for a couple of days.
Stinky dog is on her sixth day of rocking the cone and she's not loving it. She gets another bath tonight and then I'll decide if she has to keep it on. I'm thinking she will because her tail is still sore and she still tries to nibble it when the cone is gone. The only good thing for her about the cone is that Tiny dog is freaked out by it and won't hump her, lick her eyeballs or eat her scabs when it is on. (By the same token, it is bad for me because I have to fish out her eye boogers now. Makes me realize how I take for granted the little things that Tiny brings to the household.) The other night, when the cone was off for a bit, Tiny dog humped her until she fell into an exhausted heap behind Stinky. I guess she's been missing her Stinky dog action.
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