*wheeze* *wheeze*

I went to the gym today for the first time in a month of Sundays. Damn, I am horribly out of shape. I thought I was going to have a stroke while exercising but I stayed through the whole session. On tonight's to-do list is getting a sports bra so my titties don't fall asleep from all the smacking around tomorrow.

I've finally figured what attitude to arm myself with before exercise: fury. I hate going to the gym; I hate exercising; I hate freaking sweating. But it doesn't matter if I'm happy at the gym or pissed off because the results will be the same. So tomorrow morning, I'll get up pissed off because I have to go exercise. Then I'll be glad when it's done.

And here I am at home and people are here working on our pool. I'm so happy that they're here doing something that I don't care that they have their radio cranked up loud enough to make the pictures on the walls move.

I need a nap.

Bah-Humbugging

My phone battery died on my way to work on Sunday morning so instead of calling Sweety on my way to work, I gave him a holler from the work phone at lunchtime. After I told him that the battery had died he told me to just erase the message that he'd left for me. I told him that I would but I listened to it anyway (of course!). It was a little message where he said something along the lines of me being mad at him since I wouldn't answer the phone. I was kinda out of sorts the night before but for all he knew, I could've been dead in a ditch when he left that message. If I try to call him and don't get an answer, I don't leave a snitty message. That way, if he gets hit by a train on the way home I won't have any guilt wondering if the last words that he heard from me were rude ones on his answering service.

I spoke to some idiot yesterday who was all upset because she bought a dog and was afraid that she didn't get what she paid for. She said the breeder wouldn't let her come to her house to pick up the dog but met her somewhere instead and that the dog was covered in poop and mud and grass. After she got the dog she took it to her vet and was told it may not even be the purebred kind of dog that she thought. Really? No kidding? You think you're getting a huge deal from someone that runs a puppy mill and now you want to bitch? The moral of the story is: Don't buy animals from pet stores or people who won't let you visit their kennel.

Today will be the first time in forever that I go to exercise. Woo hoo. I hate the gym. But I must get rid of this sweet potato figure before spring.

My Mom was going to visit next month but had to cancel the trip because her MIL got sick and she used her vacation days helping her. Rats, rats, rats. I was really looking forward to seeing her. We're going there in June so I guess it's not that far away. Eh, at least this way I don't have to be in a huge frenzy to get my house company clean before she gets here.

It's Official!

I'm a total nerd; Tiny dog has her very own blog. She's very proud of herself.

Tiny Dog Love

She likes to hit it from behind but her favorite position is head on. Of course, when she realizes that she's being watched, she feigns innocence.



Pervert.

Some Fluff

Shamelessly stolen from Sarah - Make sure your sound is on and click here.
Very interesting video.

The Canines

I love how she draaaaags herself out from under the covers.




This was taken on laundry day. That's the only time that Stinky dog Tasha gets to nap with me and Tiny without having some kind of towel underneath her. As you can see, she is ecstatic.

Conversation

Setting: I'm in bed and Sweety is driving home from bowling.

Me: Hey, Sweety! How are you?

Him: Eh, okay.

Me: How was your game?

Him: It sucked. I bowled like a one-legged Grandma.

Me: Oh. I'm so sorry that you had a crappy game.

And then I get to the point of my call...

Me: Can I have a chicken?

Him: What? Hello? What did you say?

Me: A chicken. I'd like a pet chicken.

Him: Sure, when we move to Oklahoma in 10 years.

Me: No, I mean now.

Him: Where would you put it?

Me: In a covered pen in the backyard. We're getting a fence so nobody would know she was there. I'd get a small coop.

Him: You're kidding, right?

Me: *crickets chirping*

Him: Where are you looking at chickens?

Me: There's someone online that has one he needs to get rid of.

Him: What the hell would you do with it?

Me: Pet it. She's blind in one eye and very gentle. The other chickens pick on her. She'll let people pet her. I'd keep her clean. And she'd live outside.

Him: You've got a dog. You've got a dog in the bed with you right now, don't you?

Me: Yeah, but I won't let the chicken in the bed. If I throw the dog out of the bed, can I have the chicken?

Him: No. No chickens.

*
*
*

Unfortunately, I will be unable to make a home for Fuzzy Britches here. I'm very disappointed. Until this, I'd been able to talk Sweety into anything. I even tried using my feminine wiles later on to talk him into it but it was to no avail. Rats.

Happy, Holey, Half-Nekkid Thursday!

My Grandpa died in the summer of 1992, when I was 15 years old. The only thing of his that I wanted was his flannel jacket. I still remember seeing him walk all over town with it on and it was funny how picky my Grandma was about how it should be washed. (woolite, cold water, air dried)

I've worn it to work almost every day for the past 4 years. When I'm sitting at my desk, I usually sit with my left elbow on the desk and use my left hand to prop my head up. And now I have a hole in that part of my jacket.



I didn't realize a hole was forming until it was already there. I'm gonna try and quit wearing it so much but I'm quite attached to it. I'm thinking of teaching myself how to sew so I can turn the jacket into a little teddy bear.

Happy HNT!

Another Guest Post By Tiny

Baths Can Kiss My Freshly Squeezed Ass
By: Tiny Dog Oy


Guess what I got last night? A bath. And not just the regular bath that I'm accustomed to. The female biped had noticed that I was scooching my ass around the yard and decided that it was time to empty my anal glands. (By the way, the link there just describes how it is done. I wouldn't allow photos to be taken of the actual event. I have my pride.) Oh. My. Word. She did that horrible act about 30 seconds after taking this picture:



I don't like baths as it is but having my ass violated was really icing on the cake last night. Maybe it was a good thing though. Now when I go potty, I can go faster. I think I was, uh, constipated or something before. Or maybe I've just eaten too many Lincoln Logs. I love Lincoln Logs. And pencils. And paper.

I plan on getting back at the human for bathtime by chewing another hole in the wall when she goes on vacation this summer. One thing that I've learned from living here is that it's okay to wait on making revenge.

It seems that some of you people didn't care much for my glorious voice in my first post; I've been doing some singing when the humans are gone and Stinky dog Tasha says that I'm sounding much better.

My voice may not always be pretty but it gets the job done. After about 20 minutes of screaming at the human, she'll put me in the bed with her. But lately she's started sticking these orange things in her ears and I think they keep her from hearing me. Whenever I get the chance, I try to find those orange things and chew them up. So far I've managed to mangle 4 pairs of them. She throws them away when she catches me with them. I wish she'd let me keep them. They are so tasty.

I must go inspect every inch of the floor now and see if there are any small things on it that I'd like to chew.

Tiny dog out.

Happenings in Blogland

I see that my blog was reviewed at www.italk2much.com this past Sunday. I'd put in for a review awhile back and had forgotten about it. The review was pretty much on the money - I have been boring as shit lately and they didn't like the black srollbar. Sorry if anyone can't see it - I can. (Hey Bekah, the one thing they did like was this lovely header that you made.) One person was nice enough to check me out and proclaim me a "Stupid Whore" in the comments section. In trying to keep with my New Year's non-Resolution of being nicer, I won't say about her "What a cunt. I hope she gets fucked with a brick soon." instead I'll say, "Gee, I wonder if she kisses her mother with that mouth?"

And Nacho Intolerant noticed last week's post where I used the phrase "It tasted like socks that had been used to wipe a skunk's butt." It is interesting to see the things that get noticed in blogland.

I run a check every now and then to see if someone is linking/lurking here that I don't know about. I figure if they like my site enough to blogroll it then I may find theirs interesting also. Like I need any more shit on my blogroll as it is!

And what the hell is going on with Blogger? When I look at the page it should show the last 6 days posts but it's cutting off at three. I'll just ignore it and maybe it will heal itself.

Edited 9/22/6 @ 7:31 a.m. - I'm not arguing with the review. For what the reviewer saw, it was pretty accurate. I thought the chick that said something in the comments section was rather snarky.

Just Grumping

I know that there are starving kids in Africa but I'm gonna bitch about our pool progress for a moment...

There will never be a pool in the backyard. I think it's just going to sit as a cement hole forever. The tile and electrical work were done last week and they put the forms up for the deck yesterday. The tile guys forgot to glue down one of the decorative pieces of tile that will be on the pool steps. I'm sure they can fit it back into their schedule to come back out and put that one piece in place. It looks okay except for the fucking fact that they don't have the deck where we wanted it. We don't know yet if we're gonna keep it as it is or have it changed. And you know those little fountain things that spout water out of the pool? You can get them coming out of the floor ABOVE the pool or have them inside the pool just above the water line. When we were deciding things on the pool I was very adamant that I wanted them in the pool not on the floor. My rationalization was "what if a squirrel sticks a nut in there or the kids put pine needles in it and clog it up?" If the thingies are inside the pool, these problems won't even be an issue. Guess where the fucking spouts are? On the ground. The pool guy is coming over tomorrow and I'm going to rip him a new one. I don't care if they have to dig up the whole effing pool and redo it - I want those spouts where I said I wanted them.

Phwew. Glad I got that all out.

My sister called me last week, freaking out, because she'd found out that her husband had lied about some very big things. The first one being that he has a kid. The kid is now grown and he doesn't have anything to do with him/her but he had sworn to her that he didn't have any kids. And secondly about the number/and length of his previous marriages. He'd told her he was married once when he was 18 or 20 and it only lasted a couple of months. She called the courthouse and finds out he was married more than once and the last divorce was finalized in April of last year. She has decided to over look these things and stay with him because he's the only dad that my niece has known. I hope she doesn't drive herself crazy or that he kills her in a jealous rage.

It's very annoying when someone asks for advice and then says they're going to do the exact opposite. Why even bother asking me for my opinion then?

Feeling Pissy

All through my school years I had to ride the school bus. It was about an hour in the morning and afternoon. When I was in the third grade there was a kid a few years older than me (not cat food sandwich guy) who had started pulling my hair on the ride home. So, one morning I tucked a rock about the size of my fist into my backpack and when he leaned over the bus seat to pull my hair, I knocked the hell out of him with the rock in the bag. I tossed the rock out of the window while he was freaking out. Since he wasn't bleeding and the weapon couldn't be found, I didn't get in trouble.

It would be nice if I could remedy my annoyances nowadays in such a manner.

In case you haven't noticed, I've been feeling a bit "off". I may beat a sequel out of Tiny dog later this week. She looks like she has something new to say.

Early Night

Today I only had to work 4 hours and we went out to eat with our friends this evening. We went to a fondue/pot rock place. They bring out this marble slab that's heated to around 700 degrees and then you cook your own food on it. It was more cooking than I've done in awhile. And for dessert - fruit and cake and marshmallows (it seemed wrong to dip marshmallows in chocolate but it sure was good) and white chocolate fondue with pecan praline bits in it. It was very tasty. We were so full afterwards that we didn't even go anywhere else for drinks. Just came home to sloth around. It took me less than 30 seconds to get out of my clothes and into my robe after our friends left.

It feels good to be fat and happy at home.

Looney

I had some seriously fucked up dreams last night. Shit that you would generally find in a nice horror flick. After Sweety left for work around 5 a.m. I couldn't go back to sleep because I was afraid I'd start having them again. I woke up from the dream when he was getting ready for work and when I dozed back off I had it again. Screw that. I'm just going to stay awake until the sun comes up and once it burns up the bad dream fumes that are in the atmosphere I'll take a nap. This is the price I pay for watching a show on the telly that involved burn victims.

After Sweety left I couldn't decide if I wanted to leave the bedroom door open (which is normally left closed) so I could turn on a light in the kitchen or if I wanted to lock my door and open the window so I could make a quick escape if something comes lurching after me. Then I figured I'd need to go rescue the kids if something did come crawling outta the dark after me and I entertained the notion of going to sleep on BB's floor but that would be too close to whatever lives under his bed. I finally decided on just shutting my own bedroom door and keeping the lamp handy to hurl at any zombie things that may come calling. Zombies are rotting right? The lamp should cripple them and give me enough time to get the kids and dogs out of here.

I just read what I wrote. I am a nutcase.

Happy Valentine's Day :)

Ah, there is romance in the air here at Casa de Chickie & Sweety.

Tiny dog's been humping Stinky's head (while licking her eye boogers) all day long. For real, every time I look at them she's getting down on it. Well, sometimes she takes a break and scratches at Stinky's tail until a bunch of hair falls out and then she eats it. After her snack she's back to humping.

Sweety brought me food from the Korean restaurant as a present today and he got a bunch of different kinds of chocolate from me. He also cooked steak and potatoes on the grill. I'm full like a tick. We'll probably get busy later on but there won't be any small children around feeding Sweety snacks.

I hope you all had a lovely day!

Eureka!

There's a new vending machine at work! It's similar to the one above but instead of having 3 holes at the bottom for the drinks to come out of there's just one hole in the far right corner. And (here's the neatest part) there's this automated arm thing that comes up, gently snatches your drink and then delivers it to the hole it comes out of. It doesn't shake your drink! And it's fun to watch! I was so stunned at this technical marvel that I sprinted back to my workstation to tell everyone about it. If I'd have had another dollar I'd have bought another drink just to watch that little arm thing carry it to where it needed to be. They probably have these things everywhere but it was the first time I'd seen one. This was the highlight of yesterday's work day.

After sharing my vending machine find, I asked the lady I sit by if her baby smelled good "fresh from the chute" and she said it did. Then she scooched her chair just a little farther away from me.

If you want a nice Valentine's Day read, go check out Old Old Lady of the Hills. She has a fine post up about her first love.

Little Ones

Yesterday I felt a wee bit guilty about lurking at the exwife's blog. So to be nice, I asked the boys if they'd like to get a Valentine's Day card for her when I took them to pick out Sweety's. Little did I know the effing drama it would cause. ..

Sweety was bowling and I'd just put the sprogs in bed. I remember that they forgot to sign her card so I take it in their room and tell them to sign it. LB(9) signs it first with "Love LB". Then BB(11) signs it "Love BB - Your favorite son". LB sees what he's written and yanks the blankets over his head and bursts into tears. I'm telling him it's okay and that we'll fix it (all the while giving BB the evil eye). Finally, I work the blankets off his head and tell him "Look. Your Mom didn't say it. BB did. And we all know he's full of crap, right?" And that got him to laugh and they went to bed happy. I told BB we were going to mark that line out and he could tell his Mom what he wrote. Mental note to self: Don't bother getting a card for EW for any kind of holiday. It's not worth the potential trouble. Check.

We were watching some t.v. show the other night and a woman had just had a baby via c-section. I was thinking to myself that a baby all sticky with amniotic fluid must stink to high heaven (like fish, perhaps) but Sweety said that babies fresh from the chute are the best smelling things in the world. I told him I don't think anything smells better than Tiny dog's head and he said fresh baby is 1000 times better than that. I like sniffing babies heads after they've been all lotioned up but I may have to put "getting to sniff a really fresh baby head" on my list of pros about breeding. Maybe I'll just befriend a pregnant woman so I can come to the hospital when she has the loaf.

Aaaagh! It's the "Four Things" Meme!

I'm it! Amy was kind enough to think of me so I shall partake in the meme.

Four jobs I’ve had in my life:

Assistant in a library. It was the perfect place to work on my spy skills.

Inspector of fine bathroom accessories. You know the ceramic soap holders and toilet paper holders you see in hotels? I checked those for pinholes and uneven glazing.

Doing in home care for elderly people. I did household chores for them and took them to the grocery store. One of the least paying but more favorite jobs.

Customer service representative for a financial institution. The best paying but least favorite job.

Four movies I can watch over and over:

Napoleon Dynamite, The Village,

The Exorcist Here's a spoof using cartoon bunnies. All of their spoofs are funny as hell.

Cold Mountain I like watching Jack White in a "I'd like to take him home and make him healthy" sort of way and I like watching Jude Law in a "I'd like to fuck him to death" sort of way. He also narrated Lemony Snicket's: A Series of Unfortunate Events. That's my favorite movie to watch with the kids. I keep my eyes closed and just listen.

Four places I have lived:

Oklahoma - In the house I grew up in.

Texas - During my "practice" marriage.

Texas - In rental place after my exhusband kicked me out of our house. He later decided he didn't want to make the payments on our place and graciously let me have it in the divorce.

Florida - In the house that Sweety had when we met.

Four TV shows I love to watch:

My Name is Earl, The Office, Desperate Housewives, Weeds

Four places I have been on vacation:

New Orleans - With the exhusband and some of his friends.

New Orleans - With a couple of my girlfriends during Southern Decadence. When we planned the trip we didn't realize what time of year it was but it was great. All the men looked good and smelled nice and didn't hit on us.

Texas - I go every year now to visit my friends.

Oklahoma - We go every year now to visit my family.

Four of my favorite dishes:

Kimchi with rice and kim bab rolls. I pick the egg out of the kim bab.

New Orleans Style Beans & Rice. We use little scallops instead shrimp and add yellow and orange bell peppers and double the rice and beans. Freaking yummy.

Carrabba's Pollo Rosa Maria.
Grilled chicken breast stuffed with fontina cheese and prosciutto, topped with mushrooms and a basil lemon butter sauce.

Macaroni and cheese. Out of a box or homemade - I do not discriminate.

Four websites I visit daily:

Everyone on my blogroll gets whacked multiple times a day. I'm obsessive like that. Well, all of them except Anne Arkham's because she wrote once that it freaked her out when people dinged her site many times in the same day. I don't want to appear stalkerish so I try to keep it below 4 hits a day there.

Four places I would rather be right now:

Taking a nap in my fantastic bed that loves me so.

On my Mom's couch.

Alone in a hotel room with a good book.

In a clean house.

Lurking

I found the EW's blog today. And now I'm all stove up from the way I was hunched over the computer reading it. It took awhile to read because she has no grasp at all of how punctuation or the spellchecker should be used.

It's supposed to be a record of memories about her late husband for their kids to read later and a place where she can talk about how she's coped with everything. It appears her husband's exwife found it and left some snarky comment so she hasn't updated it since the beginning of the year. I figure maybe she started another one up somewhere else. I'll snoop around for it at a later date.

If she ever finds my blog, she'll probably come after me with a sledgehammer.

No New Nekkidness Today

I'm suffering from HNT block. So here are the reruns.
Have a happy Thursday!

08/04/05 Shoes

09/08/05 Calendar

10/06/05 Titties

10/13/05 Green Face

10/20/05 Hands

10/27/05 Halloween

11/03/05 Bedtime

11/10/05 Tattoos

11/17/05 Fishnet

11/24/05 Cooking & Curlers

12/01/05 Shower

12/08/05 Body shot

12/15/05 Toes

01/05/06 Shower

01/12/06 Umbrella nekkidness

01/19/06 Shiny things

01/26/06 Video HNT

02/02/06 Tiny Dog

Poof.

In the past couple of weeks my blogroll has suffered some casualties. Chuck and Sasha are gone and a couple of private blogs I read have disappeared. By the way, if you're one of the private ones and you see this, drop me an email (my address is on my profile). I lost all my email addresses trying to "fix" something on my computer.

Revisiting Last Friday Night

Last Friday after work, I met Sweety and some friends of ours at Chili's (where it's always happy hour! woo hoo!) After staying there for a few hours we came back to our house.

As far as Tiny and Stinky were concerned, it was like Christmas in February. New people means more hands to pet them and more open beers around to thieve from. One thing Tiny has in her favor is not weighing so much that she will wake someone up if she wants to dig around on their person looking for treats.



A few moments after that photo was taken the beer was dislodged and emptied onto the carpet.



Tiny took the spilling as an opportunity to lap up all she could before she was shooed away. You can't see her but she's hiding under that chair just waiting for another chance to hit the bottle again.

That was also the night that I drank the nastiest drink ever. Diet Hawaiian Punch mixed with Tequila. Sweety'd been making our drinks and using vodka but he didn't have enough left for two drinks. I told him to give me mine with tequila and let our company have the vodka. It tasted like socks that had been used to wipe a skunk's butt. It was two great tastes that did not taste great together.

Usually when we go out we do it on a Saturday night. I think I prefer Friday night instead because I can get toasted if I want to and I don't have to get up and go to work the next day. We slept in til about 1 on Saturday and then just slothed around the house all day.

Tiny Dog's First Post!

This is how I roll.
By: Tiny Dog Oy

11:55 p.m.: Go outside and potty.

Midnight: Go to bed.

3:30 a.m.: Whimper at the bathroom door til the biped wakes up and takes me back outside to squirt out 4 drops of urine.

6:15 a.m.: See "3:30 a.m."

6:20 to 6:45 a.m.: Cry at the bathroom door to be let out into the rest of the house while the human female seethes in bed while listening to my cries.

6:47 a.m.: Run for my life as the human female beats the floor around me wildly with a newspaper while saying "For the love of Pete! Shut up! Is an hour of sleep too much to ask?"

6:48 to 7 a.m.: Sit in my cage and wait for the alarm clock to go off. Rocket out of my cage and into the house when the bathroom door opens.

7:00 to 7:20 a.m.: Steal food from the big dog for breakfast. Prance around and look cute.

7:21 a.m.: Go back outside and take a dump.

7:25 to 7:37 a.m.: Make this sound (turn your volume up all the way to get the true feel for my beautiful voice) until the human's ears start to bleed and her eye gets twitchy and she puts me in the bed with her. I know she has a step for me so I can get into the bed by myself but I prefer to be carried. Get thwarted in my attempt to lick her twitchy eye.

7:37 to 7:40 a.m.: Stand at the end of the bed until the big dog sees where I am and where she is not. Thoroughly lick my coochie and toes.

7:40 a.m. til ?: Spoon against the human and take all of her life force that is needed to help me fall into and maintain a coma for at least 2 hours.

They Have No Manners.

A little rant here.

I'm all for free speech and whatnot but I think some fuckwits really step over the line. These fine folks have protested at funerals for miners and soldiers saying that the deaths were God's way of showing his displeasure about homosexuality. Huh? I think if God was gonna smite some people to show how peeved he was about that, he'd smite some drag queens or something.

G'day, Mate!

I have grown rather fond of Foster's beer-in-a-giant can. I just like drinking something that takes both hands to hold firmly. When I'm fetching one out of the icebox, I like to pretend that I'm taking it out of a kangaroo's pouch.

Blah.

How evil are you?

Who would've thunk it? I answered the questions honestly and I feel there is an error in their calculations. (This bit of fun was stolen from Pusher Robot.)

This has been an odd day. My friend's last day at work was today and he went home early. I actually teared up when I was telling him I'd see him later. This is the sucky part of making friends at work. You all go your own way after awhile. The place I'm at has a pretty high turnover rate. I've never seen anybody getting a retirement party.

Sweety tells me that some friends of his were in a pretty bad car wreck and I get home and see in my email that my friend in TX was in an accident too. There must be something in the air.

I did get to experience some of my favorite things today:
I love getting in the elevator after a smoker has gotten off. That stench of someone else's smoked cigarettes is a real delight to the nostrils. Don't these people know they stink?
I got screamed at more than usual on the phone today. That's always a real morale boost.
There was a Tiny dog turd waiting on me in the bathroom when I got home.

I'm going to cheer myself with some porn.

Thursday, Half-Nekkid Thursday.

Today's HNT features my left hand and costars Tiny dog. As you can see, she was very happy to wake up for a photo shoot.

Fighting consciousness

Getting a foot massage

Giving me the evil eye

Going back to sleep

She is the best dog ever.

Pinching Pennies

For the longest time, I was very picky about the kind of toilet paper I used. (had to be 2-ply and fluffy) Then I realized how many rolls I was going through in a week and decided to change. I started using 1-ply stuff that had 1000 sheets to a roll. So for the last few weeks I've been using this and feeling really thrifty. (and my butt's been well exfoliated too because this stuff is like fine grade sandpaper.) Until a few nights ago when I just felt really embarrassed. I'd gotten out of the shower, taken a leak and went to bed. Things started to get friendly in the bed and I noticed that Sweety was spitting something out. Toilet paper. Off my coochie. I wanted to die. I'm gonna go back to using Charmin.

Let Sleeping Dogs Lie

This was taken while watching t.v. the other night. That's my knees they're snugged between. I had to kick them off after my feet went to sleep.

So far this morning I have: Napped. Napped some more.

I am really not going to turn this computer back on til my house is clean. Surely, you will all hear from me soon.