Stupid Human Tricks

My fantastical niece, Sylvie(8) arrived yesterday and will be here for a week! Yaaay! I met my sister at a town about halfway between our houses to pick her up. Sylvie was hungry so we decided to get a bite to eat before we went home. The place that we were eating at is one that Sweety is kind of affiliated with and I decided to work on my people skills by saying hi to the manager of the place because I had met him once before. (so now he knows just who I am for the foolishness that follows)

We eat our food and then go to the bathroom to wash our hands before leaving. When we get back to our booth, I realize that my hands are kind of wet and it bugs me if it feels wet under my rings. So I take off my wedding rings to dry under them. And the wedding band goes sailing through the air and lands directly in the space between the wall and the bench that you sit on. I shit myself when I realized that the booths were stuck in place and could not be moved so I could just pluck out my ring.

Sylvie and I spend a bit of time (well, she spends a bit of time because she has little skinny hands and can reach in the crack between the seat and wall better than me.) digging stuff out of the crack but can't fish my ring out. I finally break down and ask the waitress if the booth can be moved back but it can't. (as I'd already figured out by trying to yank it away from the wall already.) The manager comes over and tries to get the ring or move the booth but he can't. Finally, some kid comes out from the kitchen with a wire-thingy and after about 15 minutes, fishes my ring out. I felt like such a dork. What are the freaking odds that the one time that I accidentally launch my ring off of my finger that it will fall into an abyss?

During the ride home I found out something about my sister that was a surprise. Sylvie says to me, "I need to ask you if something about my Mom is true. Since you're her sister, I thought you would know." Then Sylvie asks me if it is true that her mom drowned the possum that we were trying to keep as a pet when we were kids. I tell her no, that the baby possum drowned in his milk bowl by himself but Sylvie tells me that her mom told her that she stuck the possum's head in the milk. I am suddenly filled with fresh horror (much like the horror that consumed me when I found the possum face-down in the milk dish with a little milk air bubble coming out of his nose.) and I call my sister to ask her about this.

Sure enough, she played a part in his death. She planted his face in the milk bowl before we went to school because she thought it would help him eat but things didn't work out that way because the possum was too small to get his head out of the milk dish. (With hindsight being 20/20, we probably should have been feeding the possum with a little bottle.) I can't believe that for the past 20 years I have thought that the possum committed suicide because it was so upset about being in captivity but it was really my sister's handiwork.

I told Sylvie about seeing the milk air bubble stuck to the possum's nose and she exclaimed, "Hey! You got to see its last breath!". I'd never thought of it that way but yeah, I guess so.

The Great Wall of Stinky Dog

I have stuff to talk about but I have a fucking horrid sinus headache. The kind where it feels like a part of your skull is going to blow out when you cough. We are passing The Sickness around at Casa de Chickie.

Too Sleepy For A Title

I am so freaking ready for this week to be over! My niece is going to be here on Saturday and will spend the week. I can't wait to hang out with her. The boys will be here for a few days when she is here so we'll all go do things but just us girls will have a day or two to do something. Can't-wait-can't-wait-can't-wait!

Work is such a crock of shit. Meh. I had myself all talked into calling in sick tomorrow but I know I must go to work. This is partially due to the fact that some of the bosses that were supposed to be gone til the end of the year showed their faces tonight and I overheard some people gossiping about some things that our new harpy manager had said. It is a good idea to not put a target on my back just yet by not being at work. Attendance has turned into a really big issue at work. I may start wearing diapers so I can piss at my desk and not have any time off of the phone. Because that is how dedicated I am to providing good customer service. Always gotta be there for the next screaming customer.

I have been having some seriously fucked up dreams and blogger folk have been appearing in them. The Phosgene Kid was a ghost two nights ago (and he was a really good cook but he couldn't eat since he was a ghost. more for me!) and last night, Bekah and her flying car were helping me catch vampiric monsters that hid in lakes. I really need to get another hobby besides this blog.

Holy shit, batman. My generic sleeping pill and swig of cold medicine are kicking in. What an interesting feeling.

Guess what we have? A mild flea infestation. I saw a couple on Tiny last night and found bits of flea dirt on her. I figure that's why Stinky's been itching so much lately. I'm afraid they infiltrated the house by way of Stinky dog's day at the hairdresser's a couple of weeks ago. Everyone has been doused with fresh batches of flea killer and all bedding has been washed. Sweety will spray the yard for pests and hopefully that will be the end of the little fuckers.

Better Late Than Never...

Today's Half Nekkid Thursday assignment was to pick my favorite HNT photo of 2007.

It would have to be this set of photos.

It cracks me up to see the hounds' feet under the coffee table! I laugh every time I see these photos.





Happy HNT!

This one was a close second. I like the sparkly water.

Real Quick

The plastic tub that you buy your turkey breast in? Don't try and heat the turkey in it. It is not oven-proof. Also, do not cook biscuits from a can on a pizza pan that has holes in the bottom because all of the other pans are occupied. There is a pile of something in the bottom of the oven now that looks like it used to be a small mammal. Don't worry - all dogs are present and accounted for.

I worked today so I could be off this Sunday. This means I will work 3 days in a row this week. I hope I don't run away screaming before the end of Friday's shift.

Stinky dog was watching intently as I trimmed my toenails down and accidentally clipped one to the quick and it started to bleed. I realize that in a roundabout way, she has learned her bad habit of eating on her feet until they bleed from me. Hey, I have this horrible pimple/cigarette burn/tumor/twin and I rubbed some of her medicine on it today to see if it would help. It did. I guess Stinky and I have a mutually beneficial relationship because the medicine is for her bleeding feet.

Oh! Let me tell you what I got for Christmas! They boys wrote me some really sweet letters. Thanking me for different things and saying they loved me and whatnot. Almost made me cry.

At the elementary school, they do this thing called "Santa's Secret Shop". It's where kids can go and get little gifts for people. The Secret Shop gift is always my favorite one to open because I know that the kid picked it out all by himself. This was my last year for a gift from there because this is LittleBrother's(11) last year in elementary school and he got me this nifty little plaque that is a nice little "ode to Mom". That got me all teary-eyed too. I am such a wuss.

Sweety and I had said the chair would be our gift to each other and that we would not buy any gifts for one another. Sweety did not abide by this rule. We had opened all of our gifts (I thought) and I was in the kitchen getting ready to cook, when Sweety told me that the boys had a present for me. Uh-huh. I got a ring that I've been wanting for awhile. (ignore the jacked-up looking pinky and the wrinkly fingers. why are my fingers so damn wrinkly? they need a lift or something.) The stone is the boys' birthstone. I was quite surprised. I hadn't even snooped under the tree for a present for me because one wasn't supposed to be there.

I think Chi Chi needs an enema. She has been sitting on my lap for a couple of hours and has passed noxious, eye-watering gas at least 4 times. Something must be rotten in her. Or maybe it was the people food that she ate yesterday? I forgot about that.

Time for a bath and bed.

From All Of Us

If you don't see the video above - click here.

Tiny Dog Rants

I know that's it's Christmas and everybody is all happy around me but I have shit to say and some of it is not pleasant. Go elsewhere if you are looking for sugar plum fairies and gingerbread houses.

Neglected. Bipeds, I'm being neglected. This being known as Chi Chi is seriously cutting into my Mama-time.

The grouchy bitch hogs Mama's lap. She growls at me when I try to sit beside her. I know she doesn't have any teeth but I am still afraid of her. She's like a witch. I'd be her friend but she is so.fucking.mean. Hurts my feelings.

I can't help it if she is tiny and cute. I am tiny and cute too! It's just that my 6 pound ass next to her 2 pound one makes me look like Godzilla. I can't help it that I am big-boned.

Look at my fur, Mama! My full, lustrous, shiny, begging-to-be-petted fur! Chi Chi doesn't have fur like mine! Sure, hers is soft but it's patchy and thin. It's because she is sooooo old! I'm gonna be around a loooooong time after she is gone and I will not forget how you treated me.

I know that during the day while you touch the computer that I sit on your lap and you pet my ears for hours on end. But what about the couple of hours at night when you and Papa are watching t.v.? Then you let that little bitch sit on your lap and I have to perch on your shoulder. You actually get Chi Chi out of her bed to put her in your lap! What the hell? Just let her stay in bed and put meeeee on your lap.

You think that I don't know that you sneak her up on the bed Saturday mornings to molest her? (your doggy love makes me sick. unless I am the recipient!) I know. Oh yes, I know. I know that you let me sleep in the bed with you every weekday morning but that's just not enough. How dare you give that little bitch 15 minutes on Saturday mornings without me on the bed too? Damn you both.

Oh great. I have to end this post because Mama is leaving the house to go shopping. You know what this means? Stinky and me and Chi Chi will be confined to Mama's bedroom and bathroom. Sometimes she turns the bathroom fan on so we have white noise. She thinks if Stinky can't hear anything going on outside that she won't bark and bother the neighbor. She is so wrong. That fan running all the damn time is horrid. It's like we're prisoners of war and she is trying to disorient us. I make Stinky bark when it is on just to break the monotonous drone of the fan.

I think the holidays are stressing me out. I hope Mama brings me some treats to soothe me.

If I'd Have Made Our Christmas Cards...

Here it is in color.

It would've been a toss-up between these two. I love Stinky's elf ears!

Thank you, Amy, for giving me the fine idea for the caption for photo #2. Damn, I just used a lot of "fors".

All About the Chi-Chister

You know what is really neat about Chi Chi? (or Cheech, as I sometimes call her) She doesn't really have any odor. I wash her with my soap (smells like flowers and whatnot) and can huff her for about 2 weeks before that smell goes away. When the flower pretty smell leaves, she smells kind of like ripe pee but it isn't a smell that I find offensive. Maybe that is just my love of the dog. You must sniff her if you ever meet us. You will love it. Really.

I think when it's her time to be freeze-dried, I will ask if they can leave her tongue poking out. It might be too brittle though. I know how I am and I'd want to touch it and I'm afraid that it would break off. But if it breaks off - it would just look like it was curled up in her mouth, wouldn't it? Oh my. I just caught myself wondering what freeze-dried dog tongue would taste like. You know that if I broke it off that I would feel compelled to eat it. I don't know if I would. If I did, that would be one thing that I would not share with the internet. Too weird. Heh, now if you ever see a photo of freeze-dried Chi Chi and her tongue isn't hanging out, you'll wonder if I ate it.

She gets breakfast in bed when it's chilly. She won't stand on the floor to eat if it is cold. If you live this long then you deserve to have your food bowl where ever the hell you want. And I like pleasing her.


See that food she's eating? I've got her off of food that you have to buy wet and onto dry food that has been mixed with water. Tiny and her eat the same food now so that makes buying it a bit easier. I figure it's good for her to chew anyway. Good exercise.

A Byproduct of Gin & Juice

A couple of years ago, I bought some new dishes. Sweety and I didn't have a matched set so I got these. My mistake was in only purchasing enough for 4 people. When I got them, I thought I'd go back in a a few days and pick up another set. But they were sold out when I went back. I've spent the past 2 years haunting the kitchen aisle of Target, hoping to find another box but never had any luck. Yesterday we went and got enough dishes for eight. Ha ha! Cloth napkins! I've turned into a fluffhead that keeps the table set with cloth napkins! I love walking by the dining room table now.

PeteTheFish is enjoying the new view too. The only bad thing is that Pete doesn't match the black/red/white color scheme as he is purple. When he dies, his replacement will be red. He's already a year and a half old so it shouldn't be much longer. Geez, did I say that? How callous. I love you Pete 7! I see that Pete 6 would have fit in perfectly on the new table.

I didn't get around to putting my tree up for HNT on Thursday so here it is now.


Before there were presents under it, Stinky liked to lay and tan under the blinding lights. I'm pretty sure I saw her sweating a couple of times.

We spent a large chunk of the day reclaiming our cabinet and drawer space. Went through all of them in the kitchen and bathroom and threw shit out. It's nice to open a drawer up and actually see what I'm looking for instead of madly pawing through all of them twice.

After the beginning of the year, our bonus system at work is being revised. This will result in tiny (if any) bonuses. Say you've been getting 700 a month - you'll be lucky to get 200 and that will be quickly eaten up by taxes. Have you ever had someone set the bar so high that it is imfuckingpossible to reach? That is where my comrades and I are sitting. It is kind of liberating. We know that there is no way to hit the brass ring to why bother trying? We're ready to just sit around and enjoy being the hourly peons that we are.

One of the first things that our new supervisor did was delegate all of her shitwork amongst us. Luckily, I missed that meeting because I would have freaked out. As far as I'm concerned, I'm there to answer the damn phone and that is all. She said that she was giving out these tasks because it would help people advance in the company. Yah. Whatever. Maybe it's because you'd rather not do these things.

God help me if anyone I work with ever finds this blog. We have a blog policy at work. We are supposed to have a disclaimer that states, "I do not express the views of Blah-Blah company." and we're not supposed to say anything negative about coworkers. I figure as long as I don't call anyone a cunt or a fucking waterhead that I'm safe.

Oh! Guess what I found while cleaning the drawers today? Some prescription calm-my-ass-down pills that I didn't know I still had. They should make my next week of work bearable.

Check out BigBrother(13)...


Do you know what size his damn shoes are? Eleven. I almost choked when we went shopping and that was what he needed. I think we should have him start smoking cigarettes and drinking coffee to stunt his growth or we will go broke feeding him and having elves make his shoes in size Freaking Huge.

BB has really embraced the whole FFA thing. He is getting a goat next year to show. Unfortunately, we cannot keep it here. It will live at the school's barn.

Die Hard is on and Sweety knows every.freaking.word. That is very weird to me. I've never seen it and he is telling me what will happen before it happens.

Wow. Not only can Sweety recite this movie word for word, he can also hop around and mimic the action before it happens on the screen. I am duly impressed. Hey! When this movie was made the price of gas was 75 cents a gallon! I wish I had a video camera that could take sneaky pictures in the low light. You would love this shit. He's like an orangutan on acid. Hey, Sweety! I love you!

I need to go to bed but I don't want to because I'll have to go to work when I wake up.

You deserve a medal if you've read this damn far.

Hi-yah! I wish I knew karate because I've got a really good "Hi-yah!" yell.

I'm gonna go do something productive like bathe.

Sweety says, "Hi to the internet!".

I Am a Posting Fool!

The coaew called Sweety and apologized for saying shit about me. She told him that she couldn't have hand-picked anyone better than me to be her kids' stepmom and that when she's angry she says things that she doesn't mean. Gee, thanks. Now I feel all warm and snuggly inside. *insert eyeroll here* Sweety told her that he didn't appreciate her bringing me or my lack of childbearing up whenever she gets mad. He told her that as far as me not having any maternal instincts, I had them but we were waiting til the boys were older and didn't need so much attention. He also told her that just because someone has a uterus doesn't mean that they have to use it and that there are things out there that will prevent pregnancy. She brought up that she wanted them go back to court and to change their original custody arrangement because she feels like Sweety holds it over her head and will enforce it if he gets mad. He pointed out to her that he as not once mentioned the original agreement and that she is always the one bringing up going to court. She did admit that when the boys are at her house that they have to fight for attention amongst the seven kids. She's aware of the things that she needs to do to help the boys in school and we will see how it goes. Okay, I'm not going to clutter up my lovely blog about her any more.

We've decided on our end that the boys' t.v. time is going to be monitored to 90 minutes a day (which is still a long time, I know) and when BigBrother(13) doesn't have math homework, we're going to have him do problems out of his math book anyway. And LittleBrother(11) will be receiving a nice, shiny, new workbook to help with reading comprehension. I can't wait for the boys to hear the new rules! They'll probably be really excited about them! You feel the sarcasm, right?

Speaking of golfing in my previous post made me realize that I really need to get another golf club. Sweety had an old set and I used some of the clubs to whack toadstools and mushrooms but he threw them away when cleaning the garage. I'm going to look at clubs today. I need one good one. I think that I will expand my whacking of things to include hard-boiled eggs (since suitable fungi isn't always in season). There is a big clearing and retention pond behind our house and it would be perfect to smack eggs into.

Stinky dog had a fantastic bath a week ago and she still doesn't stink like she normally would a week after a bath. She is attempting to eat her own feet though so I'm having to keep her doctored up. I'm trying to keep from having to put a cone around her head because she hates is so much. I'll smear antibacterial ointment on her feet in a thick layer and then spray that with stuff that tastes nasty so she won't lick it off. Seems to be working.

Why Can't I Find A Sack Of Drug Money?

I have a new supervisor. The bad thing about getting a new one is that you have to get used to someone new grading your calls. She wants us to be Chatty Cathies on the phones and connect with the customer. If someone mentions shopping, then I should say something about what a busy time of year it is or some shit. I'm not good at that. Have you ever spoken with someone and one of their lips kind of curls out? (Think Elvis but the bottom left side of the lip instead of the top.) All I could do was look at her glittery lipstick (why on earth would you draw attention so such a lip?) whenever she was over enunciating things that she felt were important because that's when the lip tries to jump off of her face. She's worked at the bank for a very short time and has never done customer service there on the phones. I've been there 6 and she was telling me shit that I already knew and I had to sit there and bob my head up and down like a sheep and pretend that she had just invented the wheel.

We got our holiday gifts at work. One of our partners is a theme park. I get a little envelope and think, "cool, theme park tickets." But no. There are 4 tickets in there to golf courses and they expire at the end of the year. And you can't combine the tickets and use them all at once to take your whole family golfing. And I don't own any motherfucking golf clubs anyway. (I used to have a driver that I'd smack toadstools with but it ran away. I need to get a new one before toadstool season.) I know you shouldn't look a gift horse in the mouth but really, who the hell is going to be able to use these things in the next 3 weeks? The golf courses that they are to are ones that are usually booked up well in advance. Bah-humbug.

I had the weirdest dream last night. I was at my Mom's house and Old, Old Lady of the Hills lived in the house next door. (I have a lot of dreams where I'm at my childhood home.) It was late at night and she couldn't sleep so my sister and I went over to keep her company. When she fell asleep, I snooped through all of the books on her shelves and then put her records away. The odd thing was, I put the records in the freezer. I had another dream awhile back and in that dream a guy lived in the house next to my Mom's and he was Sara Sue and Cissy Strutt. And I think he could fly. Or maybe it was me that was flying. I don't remember. I also dreamt (on a different night) that Cissy was my housekeeper and she lived in the pantry. You see how half of her face is hidden in her profile photo? In my dream she was peeking around the corner of the pantry so I could only see that same portion of her face.

And when I'm not having weird dreams, I'm sucking my thumb to keep myself from clenching my teeth as I sleep.

STFU

Sweety called the cuntofanexwife this morning. The boys' grades have fallen this year and the only thing that is being done differently this year as opposed to the past 6 is that they are at her house every other Monday now. And with where she is living, they are both having to wake up at 6 in the morning instead of 7 and 8. LittleBrother has to be at school by 7:30 and BigBrother by 8:45. So Sweety suggested to her that the boys could come back to being here on Mondays but in the summer go to her house. She went apeshit and turned the conversation from the topic at hand (the boys' grades) to a wide variety of things. Apparently, I need to have a child because then I could get some maternal instincts. How about you shut your fucking piehole and quit worrying about my uterus?

What a dumbass. I have tried really hard the past few weeks to keep my lips zipped about her and not think bad thoughts, but it is hard.

From Death to Scat Porn to Bathing

Why must I have the urge to eat uncontrollably and spend money when I'm stressed? Why the hell can't I have the urge to exercise til my feet fall off and clean the house? Aw shit. Speaking of money, I just took a look at my paycheck. The day and a half that I didn't go to work last month will catch up with me on Friday's check. Fuckarooney.

Patti_Cake's little dog, Holly, died. I read that this morning and bawled my eyes out. It reminds me of how old Chi Chi is. (Like her rheumy eyes and wrinkly skin aren't reminders enough. You ever seen someone with half their face paralyzed? That's what she looks like when she wakes up. The half of her head that was on the ground is all smushed up til gravity pulls it back into place.)

We went to our friends house this weekend and the small dogs got to sleep in the bed with me. It only took that one night to turn Tiny dog into a tyrant at bed time. Last night and this morning she was going bonkers because she wanted in the bed. I will consider myself truly successful if I can ever talk Sweety into letting her sleep with us.

I drank moonshine for the first time this weekend. It was a different kind of experience. Next time I have some, I'm going to drink just that instead of other stuff first. Slept like a dead rock that night.

Oh! I also saw the sickest thing ever on the internet. It involves two girls and a glass full of shit. I've seen a lot of stuff online but nothing has ever made me gag uncontrollably. I don't remember what we were looking for online when we stumbled across it. Here's the link. This is absolutely not safe for work. I'm sorry that I watched it because I can't get it out of my head. If you watch it, you'll be sorry also.

I've turned into bath junkie. I used to hardly ever take baths because they took up so much time but I've started doing that on Tuesday or Wednesday nights. It's nice to hide in the bath for a couple of hours and let the little tub jets pummel me. A couple of weeks ago, this online place was having a sale and I bought a ton of bath bomb fizzy things. I have so many that I can't decide which one to use tonight. I think I'll just stick my hand in the box and draw one out lottery-style.

Something else I've discovered? Shea butter creme. (the Passion scent is good enough to eat!) It's the consistency of butter but it melts when you rub it in your hands. I can lube up with that stuff after my shower and not need to lotion up again til the next night. It's kind of greasy going on but it soaks right in. I got some of that a few weeks ago too when they were having a big sale. I bought four tubs of it because I thought I'd give some as gifts but I can hardly bear to part with them. I'm afraid that I'll give it to someone and they'll hate it but not tell me to be nice and then it will languish in their closet and never be used. I gave some to my friend this weekend and told her that if she used it and didn't like it that it would be just fine to give it back to me. Does that make me an Indian (feather-not-dot) giver? I don't think so. I'll probably keep the other three jars for myself so I won't worry about their fate.

I'm normally not one that gives a damn how my gifts are used (if I give you a book, I'm not going to wart you to death, asking if you've read it yet) but I love this stuff so much and I want everyone else to love it too. Or give it back to me. :) Heh, I'm horrible.

Sheesh, could I say "I" anymore? But I guess this is what this damn blog is about.

Happy Cinco Diciembre!

Stinky went to the groomer's today and came back a brand new dog! She smells great and her teeth have been brushed. The first thing I did upon picking her up was sniff her mouth and it was like peppermint. While she was gone, Tiny was a nervous wreck. Poor thing. She finally lit a bunch of candles in the bathroom around Stinky's food bowl and laid in Stinky's bed and cried while she waited for her buddy to return. I don't know what will happen if Stinky kicks the bucket before she does. When it's Stinky's time to go to dog heaven, I hope she has a heart attack, falls on Tiny and smothers her. That way Tiny won't have to deal with the grief.

Our Christmas present came today! A massage chair! We've been looking at them for a couple of years and said to heck with it and went ahead and got one. They do a payment plan over 3 years with no interest. On every gift-giving occasion til it's paid off, we'll sit in the chair and tell each other, "Happy Valentine's Day" or "Happy Birthday" or "Merry Christmas". It is fanfuckingtastic! I laid back in it for 2 massages this morning and then passed out. It was like masturbation without the mess.

Chi Chi is not happy with the chair's arrival though. We had to move some furniture around to get it into our room and in the process ended up moving her bed. The whole time that I was in the chair, she was stomping around it and giving me the hair eyeball. She'll get over it. The chair has places for your hands (it looks kind of like a blood pressure cuff and it inflates and something in there massages you) and for a moment, I wondered what she'd do if I crammed her in there. She'd fit. But I'll never do that. I know it would be most unkind. I'm going to give her a nice little massage tonight (by hand) after she's bathed to make up for my mean thought.

BigBrother(13) just finished up with a science project (thinking about it makes my eye twitch) and has one due January 28 for social studies. The thought of it makes me want to cry. Are all 13 year old boys thick-headed or is it just mine? Most of my time is spent making sure that he knows what the fuck it is that the project is about and then helping him get it all tidy on the presentation board. It doesn't sound like a lot of work but it is. I'm pretty sure that all of my grey hairs have sprouted during school projects. Sheesh, my scalp is itching just thinking about it. I've tried to talk Sweety into letting BB do this project at his mother's house but Sweety won't hear of it because he knows it would look like shit. I think the kid needs to do at least one project over there and have it be craptastic with a bad grade so he can fully appreciate all of the effort that we bleed into projects at our house.

Whoa.

Check out this guy (there are some pretty grody pictures there). He has a huge tumor on his face but hasn't had it removed because his religion forbids blood transfusions.

Now, after looking at those photos, I've got two questions for you.

Don't you suppose that thing stinks? Surely he can't clean all of those little crevices.

I wonder what it would smell like if you fried it?

You can thank Bekah for bringing this to my attention to share with you.

Am I Alone in My Constant Quest for Blog-Fodder?

Hey, I'm on my way home. What are you doing?

Can't talk right now. I'm suffering.

Um, okay. Will you be alright?

Yes. Gotta go. Bye.

The whole way home I'm thinking that I'll be able to spin whatever Sweety has done to himself into a nice, fat blog post. He must have been doing something that he shouldn't have been to hurt himself and that's why he didn't want to tell me over the phone.

I go into the living room and he's all laid back on the couch. I'm looking for a bandage or ice pack or something but all I see is a wine cooler (yeah, that's how we roll) in his hand.

So what happened?! (in my mind I've already decided that I'll type up the whole story, highlighting Sweety's anguish, while he's in the shower so he won't know that I'm talking about him)

Huh?

What happened to you today? Do you need to go to the doctor?

What the hell are you talking about?

On the way home, you said you couldn't talk to me because you were suffering. I figure you must have really been hurting and needed to get off the phone to patch yourself up.

No, you dumbass. I said I was swiffering. I was mopping where your filthy dogs live.

Son of a bitch. I don't have anything interesting to tell you except that my socks don't stick to the floor anymore.

A Cheese House Visit

Is anybody out there familiar with welfare cheese? (It is possibly the tastiest cheese in the world.) When I was a kid, my family got free food from the government. I now call getting free food or getting a good deal on anything, "going to the cheese house".

I take my dogs to the cheese house for their inoculations because it is a freaking arm and a leg to take them to the vet for their yearly shots. It costs approximately a quarter of that amount to take them to a vet clinic (cheese house). That's when a veterinarian sets up shop somewhere (usually outside of a pet grooming place) and you can get the shots for your pets without getting slammed for an entire vet visit. (And before anyone bitches, if my dogs are sick, I take them to the vet. I'm not that much of a cheapskate.)

The last time I was at the vet's my ire was raised. I told him that Stinky didn't need to have her damn nails trimmed because I had just done it the night before but he insisted on pulling out nail clippers and scraping off a minuscule amount of dog nail and then charging me $10 for it. Grrr.

Stinky and Tiny went to the cheese house today and now they are feeling punky from getting their shots. They are some sleeping, slam-eyed fools.

Gag Me With A Spoon

What is the perfect ending to an afternoon spent power shopping?

I come home to find one of my much anticipated comic books!

And the mother fucking envelope is empty! It appears that some buttmunch stole my fucking mail. I'm thinking of mailing some sort of explosive device to myself to see if the asshole tries to open that up too. To put it mildly, this pissed me off.

When I get in the house, Sweety tells me that there is a surprise for me in the bathroom. Maybe he has drawn a hot bath for me? No. Can we say "explosive doggy diarrhea"? Holy crap batman. I have never seen such. Gagged my guts out cleaning it up. I was surprised that the shit wasn't on the walls. Stinky dog has had a couple of instances of upset stomach over the last month or so. I'm cutting her off of people food and have given her new dog food. (Of course, the dog food that I picked out is one that the pet store doesn't carry very often. Didn't figure that out til it was already paid for. But if it helps keep her from scratching and shedding so damn much then I'll order the stuff online.) I hope she appreciates it.

After cleaning up the shitstorm, I went for a pedicure to soothe my traumatized self. It helped. I think I'll go to the drive-thru liquor store now for some additional items to aid in easing my aggravation.

I'll be back later for some blog cruising.

Added on Tuesday 12/4/7 3:03 p.m.
The comic book store is sending me a replacement! They said they'll tape this one good and shut! Yay! My faith in humanity has been restored!

Keyboard Vomit

Chi Chi is leaking. Whenever she gets off of her pillow, there are these little brown dots on it. I can't tell if it's coming from her butt or her nose. Probably her nose. I told that bitch to quit it with the cocaine because it was going to wreck her but she just doesn't listen. She had this huge growth on the side of her head and it popped while she was sleeping a couple of weeks ago. (That kind of disappointed me because I was looking forward to operating on it when it looked ripe.) (Sheesh. I am disgusting.) It is something that will come up on her head and then it goes away for awhile and then it comes back again. The vet said it wasn't anything to worry about. Maybe that is draining. Poor dog. Getting old sucks.

Hey! A friend of mine has started blogging. Go give him a peek. He's an odd duck. When we were in school, he ran around with my sister but I knew him. The last time I saw him was a few years ago when I was in Oklahoma on vacation. I was going to the bar with a couple of people and he was going too. I remember sitting in the back of the truck for like 15 minutes after he got in and all of a sudden he said really loud, "Holy shit! Anna? Is that you?" and I thought, "Damn, dude. I've been sitting her and we've spoken. You didn't know who the hell you were talking to?". That night was his birthday and I paid his cover into the place we were going (Since it was his birthday. I don't think you should have to pay for shit if you go out with buddies on your birthday.) and one of the girls I was with pulled me aside and wanted to know why I did that. She was the same bitch that I remembered from running around with 15 years earlier and by the end of the night I wanted to poke her in the eye. Haven't seen her since.

I find myself turning into one of my best friends. Eliza is 56 and lives in Texas. We used to work together and we are very similar. She says that I am her 25 years ago and that by the time I'm 50 that I'll be just like her. One thing that we aren't eye to eye on is religion. (But she says when she was my age that she had the same beliefs as me.) She's hoping that the Rapture will happen soon so she won't have to deal with some things. I just tell her that I hope it comes before she does some serious housecleaning or work. That way she won't waste her time cleaning her house or doing some chore that she's been putting off only to be spirited away to heaven the next day. That would be a gyp. (I hope the Rapture happens soon so there won't be so many people on the road when I'm driving to work.) I remember her telling me once that she didn't like visitors to her home and she surely would not let anyone in her house that wasn't a pet owner. That you need to be a pet owner to be okay with the messes that pets make. (Hair balls, piss spots, etc.) I am on that bus now. I don't want you in my damn house unless you have a furball of your own. I miss her. She needs to move to Florida.

In a couple of weeks we are going to our friends house for the night and guess what? They have a whole houseful of animals so I get to take all of the girls with us! Not only am I excited about seeing my friends (Hi, Dawn!) but I'll be able to relax and not spend time worrying that the dogs are freaking out because they are home alone.

Today I decided to get PeteTheFish a new abode. It took all of 40 minutes in Wall-Hell for me to find something suitable. Didn't want something too shallow because he might not like it. But not too deep because what if going down deep made his ears pop or disturbed his brain? Needed to be clear glass so he could see the world. I finally decided on something (A giant wineglass. Original, huh?) and plopped him in it. I think the new surroundings shocked him. I washed the new bowl and rocks and even bought new water for him. Maybe the cleanliness of it all was too much for him. He looked kind of puny when I left the house. I hope he doesn't fucking die. Pete VI died after I had cleaned his bowl so I was extra careful today.

Many moons ago, I worked in a Mexican restaurant as the secretary/office manager/book cooker/glorified gopher. (To this day, the smell of cilantro makes me want to hurl.) The dish washer there was this really squirrelly guy. Mid-forties, lived with his mom, red hair, bushy red mustache and a crazy smile all of the time. He liked me. On Secretary's Day, he hid behind the door going out to the parking lot and when I walked up he jumped out with a fistful of plastic flowers and screamed, "HAPPY SECRETARY'S DAY!" (The good thing about it was when my boss found out that the dish washer got me something for Secretaries Day, he gave me a $50 gift certificate the next day.) He got fired not too long after that for following women into the bathroom and watching them pee. Why do I tell you this? I saw some guy today that looked just like him and for a moment I slumped down in my car seat so he wouldn't see me.

Oh, gag. I just took the dogs out. When I picked Chi Chi up, I got a handful of goo. It appears that the leakage is coming from her southern parts. It is time to squeeze her anal glands. Goody.

Niece's Letter to Santa

Don't you love how she acknowledges her little bad attitude and her willigness to work on it? If there's one thing she has - it's attitude.

Just Say "NO!"

Sweety and I are making BigBrother's bed...

What would you do if we found a crack pipe under the bed?

I'd snoop around til I found his stash of crack and I'd smoke it all.

Are you serious?

Yup. Then I'd break the pipe and put it back under the bed. Then he'd be grounded forever. What's he gonna do? Complain to you that I smoked his crack?

Sometimes it's reeeally hard to keep a straight face when I'm yanking Sweety's chain.

We Party Hard In My Crib, Yo. Check It.*

5 beers + 1 glass of champagne + Sweety = a big sleeping lump

Guess I'll hit the hay too.

^*I don't know exactly what "check it" means but I like the way it sounds.

Squee!

What do I do if left to my own devices on a day that I would normally be at work? I buy shit off of eBay! The whole set of comics in The Dark Tower: Gunslinger Born series (along with the sketchbook and guidebook) will be in my hot little hands soon.

Scotty Ice would have been handy to have around as I figured out what different abbreviations meant in regards to the comic books. Thank goodness for google.

I'm going to shut of my computer before I spend any more money.

Thanksgiving with the Girls

We had our Thanksgiving dinner yesterday since they boys are at their mother's today and Sweety had to go to work for a bit this morning so I'm just lazing around with the canines.

Whenever we have a bunch of food, I'll give the dogs some with their dinner. Stinky was so excited last night as I loaded up her bowl with green bean casserole that she was shaking with excitement. Shaking so freaking hard that her teeth were chattering together! At first I didn't realize where the tiny buzzsaw noise was coming from and then I realized that it was following me.

We way overcooked yesterday. There's 10 pounds of broccoli cheese casserole in the icebox. I had some for breakfast and then had a nap with Tiny. Stinky and Chi Chi also got some more leftover green bean stuff this morning and they are conked out on the couch with Tiny. There is a symphony of dog snores and wheezes going on here.

They are making me sleepy again.

I'll finish this off with a photo of Chi Chi. I'm thankful that the grouchy little bitch is still kicking this Thanksgiving.


Hey, do you see that toe to the far left? The nail is gone. It got broken some time ago and fell out before she came to live with me. That bare little toe pad is so cute. She likes for it to be kissed.

May Yours Be Better Than This Fellow's

Do You Know What Time It Is?

It's SCIENCE PROJECT TIME! WOOOOOOO-HOOOOOO!

This year, BigBrother(13) is doing an experiment to see what kind of insulation works the best*. Sweety helps with the experimenting part and I help with the getting-all-of-the-information-on-a-posterboard-and-making-it-look-nice part. I'll be glad when the project is over. Every year I say that it is my last year to help with the stinking projects and I keep getting sucked into them. Maybe I will go on vacation this time next year.

We did find some fun uses for the leftover insulation.



*Feel free to steal this experiment and use it for your own middle-schooler. I bought the damn idea off of the internet after BB's science teacher shot down 2 or 3 project ideas that BB had submitted. Consider it my gift to you.

I Want...

Have you heard of Joe Hill? He is the son of Stephen King and has published 2 books so far. I didn't realize that Stephen King had begat children that were authors and when I found out, I got a hard-on that was 2 inches long and didn't go away for 3 days. I read his first book, Heart-Shaped Box and really liked it. I just got 20th Century Ghosts today and am taking my time reading it up.

I read somewhere that a signed, first edition copy of Stephen King's first book sold for around 10 grand. You can get a signed, first edition of Joe Hill's book on eBay for a bit under $200 right now. My fingers are so itchy to go there and hit the "buy it now" button that I almost can't stand it.

But I won't. I have books stashed all over this damn house. I don't need any more.

I wish Sweety liked to read so I could catch him up in my enthusiasm.

Already?

BigBrother turned 13 today. He's almost as tall at me. Sheesh, time flies.

Child Abuse?

Sweety and the boys are doing some yardwork. While removing a tree stump, they ran into a bunch of grub worms. I offered the boys money if they ate one. $150 if they ate it alive and let me video it. $100 if they want me to remove the pinching mouth part of the grub first. Sweety said that was very close to child abuse. I don't think it was because I wasn't forcing them to eat it. It was merely an option.

TGIF

Thank goodness for the extra-large Swiffer wet-sweeper. My floors aren't sanitized but at least when the sun hits them, you don't see rings on the floor where the dogs have leaked.

I think that Sweety told me a lie by saying that his dad was going to be here today. I think it was a ploy to get me to clean the house. The house isn't as clean as I'd like it but my case of "don'tgiveafuck-itis" is very strong. I'm looking at the top of the coffee table and it needs to be polished but I don't know if I'll do it. Maybe I'll just keep the lights dim in the house and they won't see the dust and disarray.

Someday, when Stinky Dog goes to dog heaven, I'll be really sad. But if you were to weigh my sadness and the relief that I will have at not needing to sweep up another ginormous dog hair ball or wipe up a drool spot, the relief will probably weigh more. She's a fine dog but damn, she is high maintenance. (Sweety would say, "Just like her Mama.")

Hey! If you ever have surgery and something is being removed, ask the doctor if you can have it and send it to me. I like seeing things that belong on our inside. A friend of mine had two bone spurs taken off her foot and the doctor was kind enough to put them in a little bottle of formaldehyde.

When Tiny Dog looks at me all lovingly, I imagine that she is yearning to tell me something in Italian. I know she doesn't know Italian (She speaks English with a high pitched Spanish accent. And sometimes it's a British accent. Depends on her mood.) but the watery, sad look in her eyes makes me think that maybe she does.

Ah, the sweet sound of the neighbor's dog barking incessantly and the neighbor yelling at it to shut up. Such sweet autumn music. Poor dog. It's a terrier and it spends all day long tied up outside and when it gets dark he goes in a crate in a garage.

Sweety is home! Gotta go look busy!

Two HNT Pics for the Price of One!

Happy Half Nekkid Thursday!

I'm a Dumbass

These were my eyebrows just 6 hours ago. There are a few straggly hairs in there but really not too horribly overgrown.


I dropped by the local nail salon and let a very nice Asian lady (reminds me of my mom) wax my eyebrows. Tidy them up a bit. "Not too skinny", I told her.

For the love of Pete! They are uneven! No more Asian hands will touch my eyebrows. I should have probably expected this since the lady doing it had her eyebrows shaven and penciled on. (and yes, I am aware that I am gawk-eyed)

If I die tonight, I don't want the last thing on here to be my fucked up eyebrows. Here is Chi Chi during her Glamour Shot session in the bedroom last night.

I Should Be Cleaning

Last Sunday, while on my way to work, Sweety called to let me know that Stinky Dog had an attack of explosive poop on the living room carpet. We think the leftover meatloaf that I gave her for the dinner the night before did it. I wondered why Sweety was calling to tell me. Part of me hoped that he would be so sickened by the mess and the prospect of cleaning it that he would tell me to quit my job so I could come home and clean up dog shit but he did not. Phooey. Shortly after Stinky used our carpet as a latrine, Sweety's dad and stepmother showed up. Whenever his dad is at our house he has things to say about how dogs are good for nothing and shouldn't be inside and he has to come over while the house smells like Stinky's large intestine. Isn't that about right? They didn't stay long because the boys weren't at our house the past weekend so they are coming back this weekend. I must get the house clean today but I just want to crawl in a hole somewhere and hide. I'm feeling very unmotivated. Less so than usual. I did some soul-searching this morning to see if I wanted out of my marriage because if I did, today would be the perfect day to leave. Before I have to clean the house. But other than the dusty, disorganized house - I'm pretty happy with my relationship so I guess I'll stay and clean my surroundings.

Heh, speaking of quitting my job - I scared the hell out of Sweety on Monday night. We were really slow at work towards the end of my shift, so they let some of us go home early. This is something that hardly ever happens. Before I came home, I went to the grocery store and picked up a few things. When I walked in the kitchen door, toting a plastic sack full of things, Sweety looked stricken. He asks why I'm home so early but I didn't say anything, just turned around and put the sack on the counter. He says, "Oh shit, you finally quit your job." I couldn't speak because the urge to laugh was so great. I gripped him in a bear hug and was laughing so hard that he thought I was crying. Crying I guess from the stress of worrying about how he was going to handle me quitting my job. This went on for a several minutes with him telling me that I needed to get my butt back in my car and get my job back because he wasn't ready to remortgage the house. I was laughing so hard that I was crying and gasping and every now and then I'd turn my head up so he could see my tear-streaked face and I'd say that I was sorry. I finally told him that I was just home early and the color returned to his face. Heh, heh. I like freaking him the fuck out every now and then. If I'd have thought about it, I'd have actually brought some of my stuff home from work and drug the ordeal out even longer for him.

You know, I used to think that it wasn't fair to not let smokers smoke in public but as I sat in my car behind someone who was busy flicking their ashes out the window, breathing in their exhalations, I changed my mind. (I should get an award for The Most Awkwardly Phrased Sentence Ever for that one.)

Saturday Night Gratuitous Photo Post

We like to recycle our dog food bags. Tiny licked the inside clean.

Parking Lot Fun

These are the remnants of acorns that I killed on my lunch break today. They make such a satisfying loud "Pop!" sound when you slowly roll over them with your car. If I have time left after I've eaten my lunch at work, I like to go do donuts while driving 2 m.p.h. (with the windows rolled down so I can hear the pops) in the back of the parking lot where all of the acorns fall.

Crisis Averted

It was decided tonight that Sweety will take the Little League team to an all-you-can-eat pizza place instead of H(.)(.)ters. I am glad. I don't like being around a bunch of people and if we are at an all-you-can-eat something or other, that means that I can keep my mouth full of food and off limits to conversation. Sweety treated the team at this place last year and I think I ate 18 pieces of pizza in 90 minutes. Someone walking to our table? Just cram some food in there and defer all talking to Sweety. I'd rather look like a piggy than have to make conversation.

A Lazy HNT

I am running low on creativity. I present to you a crappy, camera phone photo that was taken this summer. That orange thing in my ear is an ear plug. Everyone should wear ear plugs when they sleep. It is the best sleep ever.

Happy Half Nekkid Thursday!

*yawn*

I usually take showers instead of baths to save time but tonight I took one kick-ass bath. Sweety was kind enough to thoroughly clean the tub for me so I knew it was squeaky clean.

I had some lavender bath salts and dumped them in the tub and cranked on the jacuzzi jets. The bath salts had bits of twigs (lavender sticks, I guess) in it and that stuff was floating in the water. I felt like a big simmering tea bag. But it was so relaxing. I stayed in there and let the water pummel me until it was tepid.

Then I got out and smeared myself up with some body butter. I went from feeling like a tea bag to feeling like a piece of buttered toast.

Now I am smooth and soft and sleepy and smell like cake. Life is good.

Twitters & H00ters

See the new widget at the bottom of the sidebar? That's my Twitter. Random thoughts throughout the day will go there. Sometimes, I like to talk even if nobody is listening. You'll probably see a lot of bitching in that box. I will be able to Twitter from work when I am crying hiding in the bathroom.

I've noticed that I've been in a pretty good mood (except for hating my job and wanting to push people at work down stairs) the past few days but at the same time feeling exhausted. I figured it out this morning. I've been taking pills for my mood instead of my blood pressure pills for the past couple of weeks. I hadn't been taking my crazy pills for several months because I haven't been feeling out of sorts but I still keep it in the medicine cabinet. I take medication in the morning before I brush my teeth and while I've been all bleary-eyed and barely awake I've been popping the wrong bottle open and eating what was inside. But since I've noticed that I seem better with it (even though I thought that I was okay without it) I'll keep on taking it and also remember to take the BP pill too.

Guess where we are taking the Little League baseball team (and their parents) to celebrate the end of their season? H00ters. That is where the boys wanted to go. I'd rather dig my good eye out with a rusty spoon than to be at a place where the women are running around with their ass cheeks hanging out while a dozen boys who are in the throes of puberty ogle them. Actually, I'd rather to the eye-spoon-digging thing rather than have to go anywhere with a big group of people. One good thing is that the restaurant has a full liquor bar. I might just go get a drink and nurse it in a bathroom stall. This will be an interesting way to kill a Saturday lunch.

Hmmm, well now I'm at home and can see the the Twitter thing isn't updating when I send new things to it. Rats. Maybe there's a temporary glitch in the system.

The Addiction

It is 12:18 a.m. and what am I doing? Waiting for it to be 1 a.m. so I can see what kind of shirt is for sale at shirt.woot.com. This is such a sickness. I'm starting to think that heroin would be better for me. Sweety is snug in the bed and snoring like a chainsaw. (I laid in bed and counted to 250 after the snoring started to be sure that he was asleep.)

Tonight was our t.v. show night. We record Desperate Housewives and Weeds when they come on and watch them on Tuesday night since I'm off work.

While watching t.v. (and drinking copious amounts of wine out of a box) I bought things online. Candles. Dude, I love me some good smelling candles. I've always been a fan of Yankee Candles but getting some samples of handmade candles has converted me. I need to figure out how to make them myself. Along with handmade soap. Handmade soap does not dry me out like store bought soap does. Maybe I will start my own business and quit my day job that I loathe so much.

But probably not. Change scares me. I'm a planner when it comes to "big" things. Once the plan is set, if you are a part of it, I will ask you eleventy billion times what is it that we are doing. Because I'm forgetful. I'm also bad about saying something out loud and then repeating myself 45 seconds later. Like the first thing that came out of my mouth was just a rehearsal.

Guess what I figured out tonight? That Chi Chi is one picky motherfucking eater. The bitch didn't eat yesterday or all day today. I was freaking out, thinking that she was getting ready to die. We feed her wet food and it comes in a few different flavors. Up until now, she'd eat whatever was put in front of her. Since she was going on hour 47 with no nourishment I cracked open one of the other packages for her (since she was getting ready to die and all, I figured it was the least I could do for her) and she scarfed it down. Turns out that she is a fan of Simmered Beef Entree but not Lamb and Rice Stew. This discovery should lead to many, many, many more happy meals for her.

Geez, I wish the computer monitor wasn't so bright. If for some odd reason Sweety wakes up right now, I'm going to slam the computer shut and then army-crawl to the bathroom and pretend that I'm just coming out of there with a stomach ache. I wish the damn keys on the keyboard were quieter too.

1:02 a.m. The shirt doesn't suit me. Green makes me look ill. I can go to bed now. Thank goodness.

Make Up Your Own Title

I have promised BigBrother(12) that if he keeps his grades up that I will take him to Cedar Point next summer to ride roller coasters. I'd momentarily forgotten about it when this conversation with Sweety started.

So, you're thinking you'd like to get pregnant the beginning of next year?

Yeah. That way we'll get a tax deduction for 2008 and I'll get 12 paid weeks off of work!

Okay. I guess you'll stop eating birth control about Christmas then, huh?

Oh crap. I forgot! Me and BigBrother are going to Ohio in June. I can't be pregnant then. Wouldn't be able to ride any rides. I can't tell BB that I'm not taking him because I'm having a baby. That wouldn't be fair since we've been planning it since last summer. Let's plan on working on a baby after we go to Ohio.

Damn, woman. When you make a promise, you don't fuck around!

Nope.

So unless the urge to procreate totally goes away, that is our plan. Maybe I'll get a basket full of Chihuahuas instead.

The dogs have went and upset Sweety. He came home from work yesterday and found four piss puddles on our bathroom floor. The dogs were sleeping in their beds in our room and then going into the bathroom to relieve themselves. Because of this, they are no longer allowed to sleep in our bedroom. Do you know what this means? This means that at least once (or twice if I'm really lucky!) I have to get up in the night because the dogs are yapping (Chi Chi has turned into their ringleader. When she barks it sounds like a tiny duck quacking.) and want to go outside. I don't really think they need to potty because if they are sleeping in our room they will usually not want to be let out. I think they just want to get out of the bathroom for a bit.

It's finally cool enough at night that we can turn the air conditioner off and leave the windows open! I love it! There is something so enjoyable about being under a bunch of blankets that are so heavy that you can't move your legs and you're breathing in nice, cold air. Another bonus is that our neighbor has a little pond in his backyard and I can hear the water gurgling. The water gurgling drowns out the sound of Stinky dog licking her toes.

The Wombat Took a Peek at Me in My Tee Pee!

Wombats have been mentioned here a few times here before. I have never seen one in real life but they are my favorite animal. So small and bearish.

Cissy Strutt has a post up about them with lots of pictures. Did you know that wombats have distinctive cubic scats? The fact that they poo in squares just makes them more special.

I wish I had one. A wombat, not a bit of scat.

Agh.

I am reeeeeally hating my job here lately. I wish that I could be a total leech and quit my job and come home and tell Sweety that he was going to have to remortgage the house to pay off my bills. But I'm not. This damn conscience thing really gets in the way sometimes. Phooey.

I go through phases where a customer's angry stupidity gets on my last nerve and phases where it just rolls off my back. I hope this phase passes before I run screaming away from my desk and into oncoming traffic.

Growing Pains

Poor Sweety. Ever since he had the surgery to fix his busted discs, he has not been the same. Do you know how aggravating it is for all parties to exercise extreme caution every.single.time. they are having sex so someone doesn't hurt themselves? This morning, extreme caution was thrown to the wind and Sweety hasn't been able to sit up properly since. We weren't doing anything crazy like swinging from the ceiling fan but he managed to do something to hurt his neck. I hope he feels better tomorrow. No more pussy for him until the doctor gives him a clean bill of health.

We had a "first" this weekend. BigBrother(12) went somewhere with some friends and no parent was with them. The neighborgirls (ages 20, 18 and 16) were going to the fair and asked if him and LittleBrother(10) would like to go too. LB didn't want to (I think he was afraid that they'd want him to ride scary rides and he didn't want to do that.) so BB went alone. Sweety was kind of nervous because he's never been anywhere like that before but I told him that at some point we would have to let the boys leave the house without an adult and the neighborgirls are the best kids that I could think of that he could be out with. We took LB out to eat at a nice place and then went to the mall afterwards. It sure is quiet when you are toting around only one kid. Since his brother wasn't there to pick at him, LB had a chance to be a bit of a conversationalist. Regular conversation with him was much nicer than the constant stream of, "Owwww! Quit touching me!" that usually comes from the back seat.

Our Halloween

Here we have Freddy Krueger and some cracked out, killer clown. I found them to both be quite disturbing.


The coolest thing was that the nose glowed. We went to a carnival type thing and people were really noticing the boys' costumes. One person even asked BigBrother(12) if she could take a picture of his clowned up self. I told him that you were a friggin rockstar if you have people wanting to take pictures of your costume.

Ah! What's this? Two bees and a princess!


Tiny was so pissed off that she wouldn't even look at the camera.

We had a pretty good time Halloween night. The boys and I were able to hit 2 different city celebrations (though we couldn't trick-or-treat too much because they were so crowded) and our neighborhood. They have enough candy to see them through to the New Year.

Next year they'll be at their mother's house on Halloween and I figure that the next Halloween that they're at ours that they'll be too old for trick-or-treating. I told them that the next time they're here on Halloween that we will decorate our yard up and the walkway to the house and give people a fright as they come up for candy. The boys are completely on board with that plan and I'm looking forward to it too.

I Feel Pretty!

Check out the new look! I love it!

The talented and very patient Mia of The Blog Cafe totally hooked me up. She took my ideas (In case you don't know, I'm sort of wishy-washy and have a hard time making up my mind sometimes.) and made something that totally suits me! If you want to dress up your blog, give her a visit. They also do Wordpress Blogs.

And a "Thank you!" to my lovely friend Bec. She won a free template from The Blog Cafe and passed it on to me since she isn't blogging much.

The candy corn shirt in the last post was purchased from shirt.woot.com. They have a new shirt for sale every night at 1 a.m. EST and once it's sold out that's it! They have some really interesting shirts. This was the first one that I'd bought there because I just happened to be awake at 1 o'clock when they went on sale.

There are photos forthcoming of the boys' Halloween costumes but I have a Little League game to go to first!

Happy Halloween!

Tell me that this is not the cutest Halloween shirt?


I love candy corn. I love it even more when it is cannibalistic.

It was raining this morning but it's stopped. I hope it doesn't come back because I do not want to slog through the rain during our Candy Quest tonight. I'm taking the boys to two separate things that two cities are having and then we'll hit a neighborhood near our house. My cut on the candy action is 25%. When I told Sweety where we were going and explained the timing involved in getting to all places he remarked that I look at Halloween as a sort of candy scavenger hunt and that if I want candy I should just go buy some. I had to explain it's not so much the candy as it is just seeing how much we can accumulate. He thinks I'm so gungho about Halloween because where I grew up we only had 1 neighbor and had to drive to town to go trick-or-treating. Whatever. I like the hunt.

Speaking of hunting...

The boys went hunting for the very first time with their new stepdad this weekend. The dumbfuck didn't put any bug spray on them and now they have so many mosquito bites that they look like they have chicken pox. What is BigBrother's remedy to prevent a bug bite from itching? Scratch it til it's a bloody scab. He said once it has a scab on it that it doesn't bleed. Yeah, kid. No itch but now maybe you'll catch a staph infection! Unfortunately, he had scratched them all to the bloody scab state before getting here from his Mom's. The past few days we've been doing damage control with some anti-infection stuff.

Oh shit, it has started to rain again. Please, go away! I am going to be so pissed if we can't go trick or treating. I spent an arm and a leg on their costumes. (I justified that by saying that since they will be at their mother's next Halloween and we won't have to buy costumes that it's okay to splurge this year. That is what Sweety calls "Anna Math")

Everybody have a nice Halloween. Don't eat any razor blade infested apples.

Check Out My Box!

The Little Black Box was waiting for me when I got home last night! There were 16 samples in there and the sample sizes aren't just little dabs of stuff. There's actually enough stuff to get a good use out of the sample.

Bath fizzies and full size soaps! I am a soap whore. I don't buy a lot of bar soap (but I like to sniff it in the store) because I'm always in a hurry in the shower so I just use the squirty stuff. This will motivate me to enjoy bathing more.

Tealight candles and wax tarts! I don't have a wax tart burner but I must get one now.

A full sized powder eyeshadow in a nice bronzey-brown color! I can't wait to clean up and put it on!

The November box is mine as soon as it goes on sale!

Woot!

Procrastinating

I am shampooing the living room carpet today. Even though I have a pretty good carpet cleaner, I am not looking forward to it. That's why I'm sitting here telling you about it. All part of my procrastinitory process. (Yes, I like to make up words. You know what's really fun? Sometimes I'll make up a word and use it on Sweety and I'm so convincing that he doesn't know it's a word that I pulled outta my ass.)

When I moved the couch that Tiny Dog likes to hide under, she went batshit. She had all kinds of trash treasures under there and she was freaking out because they were no longer hidden. As I scooped up the bits of paper towel, q-tips, lincoln logs, socks and pieces of candy wrappers, she was running wildly in a figure eight pattern on the living room floor. She followed me to the trash can and as I threw her things away I think I saw her squeeze out a tear or two. As I speak, I can hear her little toenails clicking all over the house as she snoops around, looking for new things.

Too Old For This Shit

I seriously paid today for last night's drinking fun. Have you ever woke up and still been drunk? And the puking. Holy crap, the puking. My throat is raw from it.

Sweety drove me to work this morning because I couldn't stop retching. I puked in a big bowl on the drive to work. Sweety was also kind enough to video one particulary violent episode. Thankfully, he does not know how to put it on the internet. I ended up leaving work early because I just couldn't stand it.

Just so you know, if you ever hear me vomiting in a bathroom stall, I don't want to converse with you at all. No, I don't need help. I don't need a drink of water. I need you to shut up because I'd rather channel my energy into dry heaving instead of chit-chat.

Drunk Blogging

Does anyone out there watch Prison Break? We followed it the first 2 seasons but this season is just flat fucking ridiculous. I've given up on it but Sweety still watches. He says he's wasted 2 years of his life on it and can't just let it go.

One of my friends dropped off of MySpace and I'm pissed. (Hey, You! You hear that? I'm pissed! And sad. That is worse than pissed.) He was a friend of my sister's and I really enjoyed getting to "know" him through MySpace. He told my sister that he was spending too much time in front of the computer and killed his page because of it. I should probably consider that too.

About the cuntofanexwife being wanted by the police? After some snooping, it's been determined that it wasn't the police looking for her. It was probably some rent-to-own furniture place that she owes money to. Rats. And I was filled with such glee at the idea of her going to the pokey. Or something.

There is a brand spanking new liquor store 2 blocks from my home. I love it like a fat kid loves cake. Oh, oh, oh! Speaking of loving cake! We peeled outta here and went to the liquor store and the grocery store just before I started this paragraph. There is now a box of Twinkies nestled in the icebox. I had a little orgasm when we were buying them. I adore Twinkies. I mean it. Fucking adore them. We just introduced the canines to Twinkies. They adore them too. I'm letting the Twinkies get cold before I carefully lick their guts out. I'm going to get Sweety drunk and rub them on his weenie.

While we were at the grocery store I was able to read all of the trash magazines. It seems that Angelina is getting ready to kick that dirtbag Brad to the curb. You know this is a sign, right? I'm sure that she will be coming to fetch me soon. I've already instructed Sweety to start packing my bags. I'm taking the dogs with me too. Her band of merry orphans will love playing with them.

Good grief. I've been tapping away at this post for 2 hours and Sweety is still watching the stupid ass episodes of Prison Break that we have recorded. I want to cauliflower his ear. This is the worst show ev-ah.

I have managed to pretty much go through my whole blogroll tonight. Go me. I didn't comment though. I have made a pact with myself to not drunk comment. But it's okay to blog like this because you don't have to come here if you don't want to.

Kat mentioned The Little Black Box the other day. She spoke of it the day before the boxes went on sale and I made it a point to use my handy dandy phone to order one as soon as they went on sale. (That's a good thing. I checked the site some 10 hours after they went on sale and they were sold out.) To put it mildly, I am quite excited to get the box. I like samples. I like smelly stuff. I like surprises. I like mail that isn't a bill or bad news. The November sale starts at 5 a.m. on 11/23 and I am setting my clock for it already because I have a feeling that this will be a monthly thing for me. I will be sure to let you guys know all about what comes in my box when it arrives.

Sweet, tiny, bright-eyed baby Jesus who has never needed Visine a day in his life, my eyes are dry. So very dry.

I am a big fan of the word fuck.

Starring Stinky Dog

She's a hairy mess but I love her.

Happy HNT!

Nosy Nellie

The local county sheriff's department called Sweety's dad to see if he knew where the whereabouts of the cuntofanexwife. Sweety's dad lives in New Jersey and this is the second time that they've called looking for her. He told them that she was no longer in his family and if they could track him down from Florida that surely they could find her since she's living here.

I really think it is my civic duty to call the sheriff's office and let them know where she is (so they can quit wasting my tax dollars looking for her) but I know Sweety would have kittens if I did so.

Oh, what I would give to find out why they are looking for her!

Cube Farm Fun

One of my coworkers makes me want to stab myself in the head. She's a nice enough lady but she's slow like molasses in January. She's always asking for help but when I try to tell her what to do she must first (slooooowly) show me how she's been doing it before I can show her the proper way to do something. Sometimes she will do her demonstration, listen to me explain to her how it should be done (and I have to speak very loudly because she is hearing impaired) and then decide to continue searching on our helpdesk for another answer. Not to sound full of myself, but I've been working at this fucking place for almost 6 years. I've got a pretty good handle of how things should be done. If you want to take me off the phone (and that hurts my numbers for the month) or ask me a question while I'm on break (and that takes some of my sanity) then at least do what the hell I'm telling you to do! It might work!

I accidentally blew out 2 of her hearing aid batteries a few weeks ago. I was playing with my phone under my desk. You have to keep your cell phone away from your work phone because it will cause static on the line when you're talking to a customer. About 10 minutes before quitting time, I was downloading something on my phone and it was causing my phone to sound odd. My neighbor took her hearing aid out and said that the hearing aid in her right ear (the one that was closest to me) had been squealing all day (and that never happens to her) and that the battery had just died on her. She said she had to change her battery twice and that was a very strange thing to have happened. Oops. Now I hold my cell phone to my other side if I am using it under the desk.

Woof!

It's just me and the canines tonight. To celebrate(?), Stinky and Tiny get to sleep in the bed with me. Stinky dog is beside herself with joy. This is like her Christmas. She has spent the last 30 minutes wildy rubbing her head all over me. Chi Chi can't come up here because I'm afraid that she might fall and hurt herself on the wood floor. She's happy having the regular dog beds to herself anyway. She's snoring away like a tiny fog horn.

I wish Sweety would let them sleep in the bed with us. I like having Stinky up here because she looks so happy. It's a trial to make a Basset Hound look happy. Usually, she looks like you just killed her best friend. When I get ready to sleep, she will let me spoon her. She's a good spooner.

Can't you just feel the happiness radiating from her?






It's not so gratifying to have Tiny in the bed. She thinks she's entitled to be up here and thinks nothing of trying to steal your pillow or laying herself right in your path.

Doesn't she look like a zombie here? I felt bad that they were in the bedroom all day while I was at work so I got a cheeseburger for them to share on my way home. I guess cheeseburgers make you very tired.


I ran out of dog food for Chi Chi so she got a frozen pancake and sausage for dinner. It's probably healthier for all of us that Sweety is not away from home too often.

What A Day

Sweety had to go away for a couple of days so the sprogs and I did some running around alone today. Went to Sea World for their Halloween Spooktacular thing. Basically, we cruised around and collected candy from the places where it was being given out and then we left. This was a time where it paid off that we have season passes because I didn't feel bad about going there and not riding any rides or watching shows. After that we watched The Game Plan. It was a cute, predictable, feel-good movie.

Before we went into Sea World, my phone died. Yeah, the new iPhone that I got 3 short weeks ago. After the movie (since we were in Orlando and close to the Apple store), I decided to go to the mall and see about getting it fixed. It started to rain cats and dogs while I was driving to the mall and I was a nervous wreck by the time we got there. We run through a downpour and get drenched and then realize that we are in the wrong mall. Yay. Not.

Get back in the car and fight crazy nutjobs in traffic and get to the Apple store 3 minutes til closing time. They won't let me in unless I show them my credit card and tell them that I want to buy something. I thought about buying an iPod and then returning it later just to get to speak with a tech but the door guard told me that I couldn't speak with tech advisor if I did get in the store. I damn near cried. If the boys hadn't been there, watching me intently to see if I was going to go crazy, I probably would have.

When I was talking to the door guard at the Apple store, I asked him if there was a way to reset the phone and he told me yes but I'd have to make an appointment with a service tech to do it. After getting home and spending 15 seconds on Google, I found out that there is a way to reset it (of course!) and the phone is working again. Thank you and amen.

I was sitting on the couch, being grateful that the phone was working and the urge to get to the bathroom right now hit me. Ever needed to poop so bad that you had to carefully walk so as to prevent leakage? Yeah, that was me. My tip-toeing self stepped in a puddle of Stinky dog slobber on the floor and I fell down like a ton of bricks. Twisted my ankle, bounced off the dresser and had my shoulder twisted behind me somehow. To add insult to injury, I shit myself a tiny bit during the surprise crash to the floor. Wonderful.

Hmmm?

Let me ask you something. In the HNT post right below this one? When you click on the photo and it takes you to the original, what is it that you first notice? Is it my right nipple? Because that is the very first thing that Sweety noticed when he looked at it. I think he is just a perv.

Suppose a cuntofamother someone has an affair and nine months or so later, she has a little souvenir. When does the kid get told that the person he thinks is his sperm donor is not? Because the kid and sibling are really noticing that one doesn't look anything like anyone else in the family and are questioning who is it that the kid takes after.

Waterbaby

Happy Half Nekkid Thursday!

Pssst! It's a click through.

#953

Earlier in the summer, we had a couple of instances where Chi Chi fell into the pool and I thought that those times were behind us. I've taken to giving her a taxi ride to and from her bathroom at night and that seems to have ended that probblem. I forgot about the variable of one Stinky Dog. Stinky is kind of like a bull in a china shop. She doesn't give a damn if one of the other dogs is in her path. She'll bulldoze right over them so they try to stay out of her way. Chi Chi saw Stinky barrelling up the pool deck and decided that she should back up and into the pool she went. If I really want to prolong Chi Chi's life, I need to just flat keep her way from the pool. Or maybe the cool dip rejuvenated her?

As I speak type a new garage door is being installed! A few years ago, I was on my way to work and in such a hurry that I did not open the garage door before trying to drive out. This resulted in a badly dented garage door. Over time, the dents have turned to cuts in the metal and the door was making a horrible noise when it was opened or closed. I'm sure the neighbors will be happy to see it fixed.

I started reading Visiting Life last night and finished it up this morning. It's about women who have husbands/boyfriends in prison. The ending totally took me by surprise and I cried my eyes out at 9 a.m. I don't like to cry in front of the dogs because it freaks them out. Tears make my eyes even more yummy looking to Tiny Dog and when you are sad is not a time that you want to be flicking a dog off of your eyeballs. I let her lick my eyes one time. I thought if she got to do it once that that would take some of the mystery away for her and she wouldn't want to lick them anymore. I was wrong. I guess eyeballs are Tiny Dog's herion.