I'm A Shitty Nurse

Or maybe Sweety is a shitty patient?

He needs to keep his ass parked on the couch but he got up this morning to clean the kitchen and cook his own breakfast. Now, how in the hell am I supposed to sleep in when I've got some dude with a busted neck wiping down the counters and frying sausage? So I've gotta get up and try and shoo him outta the way so I can do things for him. We actually had a physical confrontation over who would have possession of the sausage. (He won. only because he started to cry and yell "why are you hurting me?". I was afraid that the garbage men would hear and come investigating so I let him continue cooking.)

I was supposed to work yesterday and today but managed to take a couple of days of vacation so I can help Sweety on his road to recovery. It's a good thing that I'm not going to be off the whole 2 weeks that he is because I don't know if we could handle it. Distance makes the heart grow fonder and all of that jazz.

Look at this smiling bitch.


On the days that I'm off, I'll leave the house door to the back porch and the back porch door to the backyard open so the dogs can be free-range dogs. Sweety doesn't like having the doors open to the outside just for the express purpose of letting the dogs come and go as they please, so I had to clear a spot in the sun inside for Tiny dog. She was wandering around, sniffing the doors and looking at me like "Why haven't you opened the door for me yet, woman?" and I knew I better find her a sunny napping spot before she took a grudge shit somewhere. Living with Tiny dog is kind of like living with a tiny, hairy dictator.

And where is Stinky during all of this? Right here beside me, being a good dog. We discovered that there was a little sore on the top of her neck that Tiny dog was eating on and I've spent the past few days making sure that there is some foul tasting medicine on it so Tiny doesn't snack on it. It turns my stomach whenever I think about it. Tiny dog is only a couple of pounds away from being big enough for a shock collar. I'm thinking of strapping one around her waist and giving her a buzz whenever she gets ready to abuse Stinky.

Oh, guess what Sweety had for the very first time when he was in the hospital? Coffee. He has had a lifelong disdain for coffee - he associates the smell with the smell of the cigarettes that his parents would smoke while they had their coffee and he wouldn't drink it. When we went to see him in the hospital, the first thing he wanted to tell me was that he finally had some coffee. When I asked him why, he said that he figured if they were giving it away that he would take it. He didn't like it. The nurse told him that hospital coffee wasn't the thing to try for your first time and that he should get some good coffee from Starbucks when he has the chance.

Sweety doesn't know it, but next week, we are going to Starbucks and then somewhere to get pedicures. Because one thing that I AM NOT FUCKING DOING is trimming his toenails. Nope, not gonna happen. I've never had a pedicure either so it will be something that we can do together for the first time. Sweety is big on "firsts".


Joey Polanski said...

Sweety needs to learn from Tiny & Stinky how to lounge around an get took care of.

They seem to have masterd it.

Ginamonster said...

Your dog stories are SUCH an excellent cure for my occational bout of puppy lust. ugh.

Thomas said...

You could get a large jar of leeches and if Sweety doesn't relax and allow himself to be pampered, threaten to put the leeches on him while he is sleeping.

Either that or threaten to put Tiny on him like a giant hairy leech while he sleeps.


Midwestern City Boy said...

What does Tiny (and Stinky) do when you are not around and Sweety is in charge? Maybe Tiny doesn't like Sweety since his rules are stricter and shes left him a "gift" (dog turds) somewhere that you haven't found yet?

Will Sweety be recoverd enough to go to Reno?

Regal said...

The first pedicure may "weird" you out because someone is touching your feet and damn it can tickle. But it is a slice of heaven to be pampered that way. The place I go to goes the extra mile and massages your legs and when your toes are drying after polishing they massage your neck and put a warm pack on your neck and shoulders.

Sweety probably feels good right not and some of it may be anesthesia still being in his system. Don't let him do too much - he can injure himself.

Have a good weekend!

Laurie said...

my husband has been home for almost a year.

you learn to deal.

good idea about the pedi's though. i don't think my dh would go for it ;)

Chickie said...

Joey Polanski - It makes Sweety mad that they are so good at being useless. He's trying to lead by example so maybe one day they will take out the garbage and clean the bathroom.

Ginamonster - Sometimes, I reread my stories and wonder why I have them.

Thomas - We're having to beat Tiny to keep her off of Sweety. She wants to lick the incision on his neck.

Midwestern City Boy - When I'm not here, Stinky & Tiny stay in the bathroom on their bed. Sweety doesn't have to make them go in there. They go in of their own accord and come out when they hear me come home.

Sweety will be well enough to go to Reno! I'm so glad. He won't be able to bowl but we'll be going.

Regal - I'm worried about the tickling part. Usually, if I know something is going to tickle I can put my mind to it and not flinch.

I'm trying to keep Sweety under control. I told him it would be better if he was bedridden because at least I'd know where he was and what he was doing!

Laurie - Well, Sweety read this post and locked himself in the bathroom to tend to his toes. I guess he wasn't keen on the pedi idea.