12/22/07

Tiny Dog Rants

I know that's it's Christmas and everybody is all happy around me but I have shit to say and some of it is not pleasant. Go elsewhere if you are looking for sugar plum fairies and gingerbread houses.

Neglected. Bipeds, I'm being neglected. This being known as Chi Chi is seriously cutting into my Mama-time.

The grouchy bitch hogs Mama's lap. She growls at me when I try to sit beside her. I know she doesn't have any teeth but I am still afraid of her. She's like a witch. I'd be her friend but she is so.fucking.mean. Hurts my feelings.

I can't help it if she is tiny and cute. I am tiny and cute too! It's just that my 6 pound ass next to her 2 pound one makes me look like Godzilla. I can't help it that I am big-boned.

Look at my fur, Mama! My full, lustrous, shiny, begging-to-be-petted fur! Chi Chi doesn't have fur like mine! Sure, hers is soft but it's patchy and thin. It's because she is sooooo old! I'm gonna be around a loooooong time after she is gone and I will not forget how you treated me.

I know that during the day while you touch the computer that I sit on your lap and you pet my ears for hours on end. But what about the couple of hours at night when you and Papa are watching t.v.? Then you let that little bitch sit on your lap and I have to perch on your shoulder. You actually get Chi Chi out of her bed to put her in your lap! What the hell? Just let her stay in bed and put meeeee on your lap.

You think that I don't know that you sneak her up on the bed Saturday mornings to molest her? (your doggy love makes me sick. unless I am the recipient!) I know. Oh yes, I know. I know that you let me sleep in the bed with you every weekday morning but that's just not enough. How dare you give that little bitch 15 minutes on Saturday mornings without me on the bed too? Damn you both.

Oh great. I have to end this post because Mama is leaving the house to go shopping. You know what this means? Stinky and me and Chi Chi will be confined to Mama's bedroom and bathroom. Sometimes she turns the bathroom fan on so we have white noise. She thinks if Stinky can't hear anything going on outside that she won't bark and bother the neighbor. She is so wrong. That fan running all the damn time is horrid. It's like we're prisoners of war and she is trying to disorient us. I make Stinky bark when it is on just to break the monotonous drone of the fan.

I think the holidays are stressing me out. I hope Mama brings me some treats to soothe me.

12 comments:

Mike said...

I think Carmen will be able to identify with this post Tiny. Jackie has her dog here and he is seriously cutting into her attention time.

Regal said...

Your are one crazy chick(ie)! Love the post. Have a wonderful Christmas!

The Phosgene Kid said...

Simple solution - You and Stinky need to eat Chichi...

Tiny Dog said...

Mike - Carmen has my deepest sympathy. It is a horrible epidemic that is upon The Little Dog right now.

Regal - Thank you! You too!

The Phosgene Kid - Are you kidding? Mama thinks she smells like flowers but she really smells like ass. Even though that would end my problem, I'm not eating her. You just made me gag.

Joey Polanski said...

What is it about th smallest o dogs that somhow makes all biggr dogs deathly afeard of it?

If that whatevr-it-is coud somhow be idennifyd, isolatd, & manufacturd, we coud probly get pissant third-world countrys from tryin to dvelop nuklear weapns.

Ocourse, wed still end up bein ascared of em. We jus woudnt know why.

SCANJOLINA said...

Um..Chickie...been sippin' the egg nog a lil early, have ya?

here today, gone tomorrow said...

Tiny..I know this won't make you feel any better, but at least there are no cats in the house.

themom said...

Boy, I bet if I let you have my psychotic cat for a day, your dog could really bitch then. But I wouldn't do that to my worst enemy. Maybe the dog will quit moaning after the Holidays (LOL). Have a Merry Christmas!

Sara Sue said...

Oh Tiny Dog ... how awful for you! Learn to dial a phone and turn them in to the SPCA!!

Tiny Dog said...

Joey Polanski - I would be happy to mail Chi Chi to you for research purposes. You'd have to squeeze hard to get her scared juice though. She's kind of prunish.

Scanjolina - Yes, she has. That's why I was able to hijack the computer. She was passed out.

Here Today, Gone Tomorrow - So true! We do have an outside cat and Mama tries to get her to like coming inside but the cat won't. That's because the cat knows her role!

TheMom - I've only met one cat and I wasn't a fan. Those claws suck.

Sara Sue - Mama has that stinking iPhone thing and I can't work the touch screen! Rats!

patti_cake said...

Poor Tiny dog! I have to side with Chi Chi though since she has no teeth and my Holly had no teeth, and I just lost Holly and the grief is fresh.. and well you get the picture.

Tiny Dog said...

Patti_Cake - Oh yes, I get the picture. You don't love us young pups like you do the old ones. AGEISM! Perhaps I could mail Chi Chi to you?