Setting: 5 a.m. I'm in bed and Sweety has just left for work. I give him a ring on the cell phone.
Me: Hey, you have some cute little tail lights.
Sweety: Thanks, we do a lot of butt crunches to make it look nice.
Me: Do you know that you can take birth control pills and fool your body into thinking you're pregnant and you'll start to lactate?
Me: Isn't that the neatest thing?
Sweety: What makes you think I'd know anything about that?
Me: I dunno. You have a lot of random information in your head. I think that it's very interesting.
Sweety: Why? Are you planning on needing to do that?
Me: Well, I thought maybe I could nurse Tiny dog. You know, bond.
And I was abruptly hung up on. So I called him back. The first 5 minutes consisted of me trying to get my cackling under control.
Me: Sorry about that. I thought it was funny.
Sweety: I was talking about our dominating chihuahau last night. About how she humps Tasha's head. I think she needs a little doggy strap-on.
Me: How could you even think such a thing about my sweet little dog! Anyway, they don't make them that small.
Sweety: You think I'm weird? You just suggested forcing lactation so Oy could lick it off.
Me: Oh no, I'm not going to make her lick. She'll suckle.
Sweety: Suckle? Oh shit. I've gotta go. Love you. Bye.
Me: Hey, wait you know I'm not really thinking of nursing my damn dog? Right?
I was just kidding. Have a good day Sweety.
I can only imagine the visions dancing in his head today. Heh heh heh. I can be one sick fucker.