This post describes a recent sexual mishap in all its horrifying detail. Please skip on over if you're squeamish.
Saturday morning Sweety and I both woke up feeling frisky and decided to do the deed before starting our day. We've been going at it for quite some time and he was behind me when I uttered words that will probably never pass my lips again "Could you just put the head of it in and come in my ass?" Why this occurred to me, I do not know. (for the record, we hadn't obtained the 4 hours of anal dvd mentioned in the previous post) It seemed like a good idea at the time. By saying this what I meant was "mess with my behind til I'm good and relaxed and then do it" but he interpreted it as "fuck the hell out of me and when you get ready to come just power stroke on in there".
Oh.My.Word. Nothing ruins the mood faster than screaming "OUT! OUT! OUT!" at your husband while scrambling away from The Penis of Doom. And what's even worse, it took him a few moments to realize what I was saying so he was chasing me across the bed. During the 5 seconds it took for him to quit following me with that thing I remember thinking "If he doesn't get his dick out of me right the fuck now I will turn around and bite it off." When I calmed down I was very pleased to see that in the excitement and confusion that he'd came all over the damn place. Because there was no way I was going to finish if he hadn't.
As I sprawled with my head over the bed, crying little tears that Tiny dog was licking up, we had a very clear conversation about various things that I may say during sex and how he should interpret them. I'm kinda glad this happened because I know we are now on the same page when it comes to things that may be said during sex and their meanings.
I've gotta give him credit. We've been having almost 5 years of mind-freaking-blowing sex and this is the first time there's been a moment in it that I haven't enjoyed.