1/25/06

Miscommunication

This post describes a recent sexual mishap in all its horrifying detail. Please skip on over if you're squeamish.

Saturday morning Sweety and I both woke up feeling frisky and decided to do the deed before starting our day. We've been going at it for quite some time and he was behind me when I uttered words that will probably never pass my lips again "Could you just put the head of it in and come in my ass?" Why this occurred to me, I do not know. (for the record, we hadn't obtained the 4 hours of anal dvd mentioned in the previous post) It seemed like a good idea at the time. By saying this what I meant was "mess with my behind til I'm good and relaxed and then do it" but he interpreted it as "fuck the hell out of me and when you get ready to come just power stroke on in there".

Oh.My.Word. Nothing ruins the mood faster than screaming "OUT! OUT! OUT!" at your husband while scrambling away from The Penis of Doom. And what's even worse, it took him a few moments to realize what I was saying so he was chasing me across the bed. During the 5 seconds it took for him to quit following me with that thing I remember thinking "If he doesn't get his dick out of me right the fuck now I will turn around and bite it off." When I calmed down I was very pleased to see that in the excitement and confusion that he'd came all over the damn place. Because there was no way I was going to finish if he hadn't.

As I sprawled with my head over the bed, crying little tears that Tiny dog was licking up, we had a very clear conversation about various things that I may say during sex and how he should interpret them. I'm kinda glad this happened because I know we are now on the same page when it comes to things that may be said during sex and their meanings.

I've gotta give him credit. We've been having almost 5 years of mind-freaking-blowing sex and this is the first time there's been a moment in it that I haven't enjoyed.

22 comments:

Mike said...

Okay, well now that everyone knows what the rules are, sex can be a little safer. Anal sex should probably come with a warning label.

Michael said...

OMG, you do have a way with words. Of course that's kind of what got you in that situation in the first place.;)

Yet another example of how important communication is in a good marraige.

Michael

bekah said...

HAAHAAHAAHAAHAAHAAHAA

Sorry to laugh at your misfortune, but this fucking cracked me up. And I needed it, I'm having a shitty day.

anne arkham said...

OW!

littlefeet said...

omg...oww...

i am so glad that you two talked about this...maybe next time, will be a bit slower and more pleasurable... :)

peace...

Scotty Ice said...

wow...talking about being a pain in the ass....LOL...get it? pain in the ..ummm....yeah.

AndyT13 said...

I'm sorry. Truly I am. I laughed my ass off at this. Not that I don't sympathize but men are trained to do as they're told. To say that subtleties are lost on us in the heat of passion is to understate the case considerably.
Anyway, glad y'all worked it out.
Sorry 'bout yer butt. BTW I love the icon. Teddy bear threeway! Rock!

AndyT13 said...

Also: Love the video of the pupsters. Cute police ma'am. You're busted. They're too cute. I'll have to issue you a citation.

Joey Polanski said...

I wunt squeamish when I startd readin this post. Im DAM squeamish now that Im DONE readin it!

Chickie said...

Mike - I'm thinking of having the warning label tattooed on my back.

Michael - Yeah, as soon as I could speak coherently the first thing I said was "Communication. Communication is the key."

Bekah - I hope your day got better. If not, maybe I'll break his penis on accident tonight and can write about that for you tomorrow.

Anne Arkham - That's what I said.

Monkey - We have done this sort of thing before with no ill effects. I guess he thought I'd been laying around the house the last couple of weeks, getting my ass ready to be nailed like a porn star or something.

Scotty Isaac - Dude, you slay me. :)

Andyt13 - That's exactly what Sweety said, that he was trained to do as told. I know I need to be very explicit in directions.

You'd be appalled at what those nasty bears do when the lights are off :)

I'll happily take a cute pupsters citation any day! They were all nervous when they saw that the camera was rolling.

Joey Polanski - You can't say that you weren't warned.

Amy said...

I love your new naughty bears... too funny.

I hate to say it, but I laughed my ass off reading this. What is it with guys not having a clue?

Geez.

Chickie said...

Amy - I really can't blame him. Next time I ask for such a thing I'll preface it with all the steps needed to get there.

Midwestern City Boy said...

Communication. It's so easy to say and so hard to do. We still have the occasional mishap and we've been together over 20 years. The important thing is to talk about it and make sure that it won't happen again in the future.

BTW: I like the bears much better than the freaky one-eyed thing that died after two days.

Anonymous said...

Oh my god! bwahahahaha!


Kat

bekah said...

Chickie -- Sarcasm hurts. Really.

Chickie said...

MCB - Usually we're pretty good with the communicating. I would really rather miscommunicate about anything else other than what happened the other morning.

I was feeling bad for the cyclops kitty. And the guilt of stealing someone else's photo was starting to weigh on me.

Kat - I am glad so many found the humor in this also :)

Bekah - Sarcasm? I'm serious as a heart-attack. I'm gonna wake him up now and break it just for you!

MollyNormal said...

Ow ow ow ow ow! You poor, poor thing. I must say I've been there (not by my request but by an insensitive, prick who had no regard for my personal comfort) and it's not a good place to be.

May you recover quickly.

Zube Girl said...

Hee hee. That made me snort!

Anonymous said...

I suggest "Exit Only" as the tattoo.

Imapuma

Chickie said...

Mollynormal - It took a day or so of sitting lightly before all was regular again!

Zube Girl - Yeah, me too.

Imapuma - That is a fine suggestion!

Deb said...

OMG, bless your heart. I'm sorry but I find that hysterically funny. Myabe it's the memories of a similar incident at my house?

Mistify said...

thanks for sharing so honestly, I needed to laugh for a few....