I'm having a rough time in my head. I know that I talk about a lot of stuff here, but in real life, I'm pretty private. I don't like people to know my business. Not because I have anything to hide, I just don't. Some lovely legal things are coming to a head and I'm having to deal with them now and it is making me crazy. I don't like telling strangers personal things. Records? You wanna know things about me that happened up to 10 years ago? Holy, shit. I can't tell you what I had for breakfast yesterday.

Stressing out over this (and I know I have nothing to worry about, Sweety! i am just speaking the truth but I can't help but be a worrywart!) and loathing going to work have worked together to make me a wreck. I love laying in bed right after I wake up and realizing that The Panic has a grip on me and it feels like a big hand is squeezing my heart and the only way I can breathe is to pant through my mouth and it takes all I have to not crawl into the bathroom and try to hide behind the toilet or under the sink. Sleep? Who needs sleep? Not me! I need nightmares! That's what I need! And to wake up because I'm clenching my jaw so tightly that it hurts and when I stick my thumb in my mouth to break the clench and go back to sleep - I wake up because I'm trying to gnaw my thumb off. Sometimes The Panic sneaks up on me in the middle of the day. I don't think that one should have to concentrate so much on the simple act of breathing. And yes, I am medicated but I don't want to change doses on anything because my medical records are open to the world right now and it is not anyone else's fucking business that I'm temporarily insane. This should all pass in a few months. I can hang in here til then.

Sweety has told me that he knows me well enough to understand how I'm feeling. He does not. He says it's all in my head and that I just need to not worry. Well, yes. No shit. I'm not disputing that. My mental discomfort is manifesting itself in physical ways. He said that my stress is starting to stress him out. I'm sorry. I'll try to tamp it down. Does he think I like worrying about and talking about the same shit that's bugging me over and over? I do not. I know that it bugs him to see me freaking out over nothing. I know that it bugs him to see me eat pills to keep me from freaking out over nothing. And I do not like it, if I am being particularly calm, if you ask if I've had a pill. Why does it matter? Would you rather I didn't eat the pill and rip your throat out with my teeth because I don't like the way you said, "How was your day?".

Sweety has been going out of his way (despite my ranting) to try and help me but there really isn't anything that he can do. I'm just going to have to tie a knot in the end of my rope and hang on.

Gah. I'd like to sit down and eat a whole pot of macaroni and cheese and wash it down with a big glass of sweet tea. And toast. A half loaf of toast would be nice too.

Let's switch gears.

BigBrother(13)'s braces will be removed on Friday and he had to go to the orthodontist today. I've taken him out of school before but when I got to the school, they didn't have my name listed as a contact. Last year, we filled out a contact form and this year, instead of having us fill out a new one, someone at the school typed up a new one for us using the info off of last year's and they left my name off. My phone number was there but not my name. I told the receptionist if she had access to last year's form and looked at it, she would see that my name was on it. She laughed and said that she would not dig for last year's form. She called Sweety and got his permission for me to take BB out of school. The school had also taken the mother's name off of the form so if the COAEW had to get BB from school, Sweety would have to be called first. I have a new form to fill out and return tomorrow. It just annoyed me that it was someone at the school that left information off and she didn't want to find the previous contact form that we had filled out.

Poor Chi Chi. She didn't eat breakfast or dinner on Sunday and she puked her guts out that night. I woke and could tell that the sound she was making wasn't her usual snore. I got her a new blanket and tucked her back in and the next morning she ate her food. Do dog's catch stomach viruses? Maybe that's what she had. She hasn't missed a meal since then. Every now and then, she won't eat and I always freak out because I think she's getting ready to die. She'd never vomited before though. So until she ate the next morning, I was thinking her kidneys were failing or something. I will admit that I actually sniffed her puke to see if it had some sort of odor that I could google to see if it was a sign of something but it didn't smell.

Did you all just hear that? It was my enormous sigh of relief. It's about 8:20 p.m. and I managed to get a bunch of things done today that were stressing me out. Tomorrow should be a good day. I'm going to vegetate with my Sweety.


themom said...

Wish I could say something to calm you down, but it probably wouldn't sound right. Years ago, I was much the same, worry and fret all the time - till one fine friend said - "always remember - they can't eat you!" Maybe it sounds trite, but I always remember it - and decide that the time spent worrying has been fruitless - they can't eat me! (In a cannibalistic way! Not the other LOL)

Rub the frog and stay well!

OldOldLady Of The Hills said...

Chickie dear...I wish I could say something to sooth 'the savage beast', and, I know I can't.
BUT, let me say this: You express yourself in such an honest deep way, that I hope this ability alone, will help you to move wherever it is you need to move...medications and all! So that you have some "peace" within yourself; within your soul, my dear....You are such a special and wonderful person....And you have "the gift" of gab; The Gift Of Communication. This is precious. Deeply Deeply Precious.
And YOU Are Precious, beyond words.

And Dear Dear Chi Chi...I hope she will be okay for a very long time to come....! And with your love, I KNOW she will!

The Phosgene Kid said...

Hope things calm down for you.

Dogs are always yakking something up. Mine are big grazers and toss up lots of grass in their puke.

Anonymous said...

"Grant me the serenity
To accept the things I cannot change,

Courage to change the things I can,

and wisdom to know the difference."

This has always gotten me through tough times!

Anonymous said...

I hope things calm down for you. I'm glad that you have a spouse that's trying to be helpful. It's when things aren't going so good that you find out a lot about people.

And, so far as the school thing goes, data-entry problems are rampant, even when the people are trying to be conscientious. Data entry is really not anyone's job. So, if things get messed up at the crush at the beginning of the year the year they never get fixed.

Mike said...

Well I certainly hope that you feel better today.

When I get that way I always tell myself that worrying sort of begets worrying and it becomes an endless cycle. I have to work hard to break the cycle but it is do-able.

I hope Chi Chi is feeling better. Carmen gets that way from time to time and I have no idea why. I always worry that she is dying too when she gets sick.

here today, gone tomorrow said...

It is so difficult when that worrying/stress tape starts playing in one's head.

I hope you feel better today, too. Give Chi Chi a kiss for me.

Thomas said...

Chickie, they make little white pills called ativan for stuff like this. The missus pulls the same crap on me and when I tell her I am going to get my pills she pitches a fit. For those that don't suffer from "the Panic" they don't get it.
All the wishful thinking in the world isn't going to make it go away.
Hang tough though.


Patti said...

Okay the end of the post made me happy and breathe a sigh of relief. I can't like my Chickie stressing out!!!!

Rich | Championable said...

As someone who has recently stressed himself into a minor-but-scary cardiac event, I can totally relate. I've got no helpful advice other than what we AAs always say: First things first, one day at a time, and do the next right thing (without worrying about the results).

Cheesy, but true.

I'm glad your feeling better.

Titus said...

Been thinking about you. Hope all is otherwise well.

SCANjolina said...

OMG Chickie. I'm so sorry I didnt't read this sooner. It's hard to say it will be fine when I don't know what it is, but I do know you will be fine. You are extremely resilient.

All I can say is hugs. Really. You know I love ya.