Completely Inappropriate

Hey! If I get that new schedule - where I'm off on Sundays?
We will eat pasta every Sunday! To pay homage to the Flying Spaghetti Monster!
Okay. I'm good with that!
We will give thanks that his noodly appendages keep us from flying off of the planet!
And we'll drink whiskey with our meal!
Except for the boys. I'll give them tea in shot glasses!
Now, did that really warrant hanging up on me? I think not.

The only thing that Sweety finds more vile than cigarette smoke is coffee. The other night, after he got into bed, I put some lip balm on. Coffee scented and flavored. Heh, heh. Then I got into bed and started being all friendly. Right after he kissed me - he gagged and leaped out of bed while rubbing his mouth with the sheet. You should have heard me cackle. It was great.

We watched political happenings on the television last night. That sort of thing is a minefield in our house. I drank a lot (Matter of fact, I drank so much that I feel too crummy to carry through with dedicating this week's HNT to Mike. I need more gin bottles to do what I have in mind anyway.) and ignored Sweety while he needled me for several hours. I didn't ignore him. I just planned what I was going to do to him.

I was busy getting water icy cold in a cup as soon as he got in the shower. He had the cloth curtain open on the shower so he saw me immediately when I walked into the bathroom and told me if I dumped the water on him that I would be sorry. I figured the worst he could do to me was punch me in the nose and decided that I was okay with that, so I got him with the cold water and waited for him to do whatever it was. He turned the showerhead on me and doused me where I stood. I was fine with that because at least the water I got hit with was warm.

If your kid has a unibrow - would it be wrong to pluck it? And I don't mean a little unibrow. Think Bert.

Speaking of Bert...

Ever wondered what he does in his spare time? Wonder no more. That link would be NSFW if it were humans. But it's puppets so I dunno if you'd call it NSFW.


Anonymous said...

i'm still laughing about the lip balm...

and eyebrows are ok to pluck.
or wax >: }

whatever. lol

Osbasso said...

You are SO goofy!

Marissa said...

It's okay to pluck the eyebrows if they've got the Bert-brow going. Waxing would be better probably, no time for them to think lopsided plucking is cool.

Regal said...

LOL - I freaked at work when I opened the Bert picture, until I read the last line of your blog. I'm such a twinky.

OldOldLady Of The Hills said...

Oh that Bert...He is a funny one...lol! I do believe his brow is quite unique...I wonder if there are strange hairy places anywhere else on his body...One cannot tell from the Puppett Show...(lol)!
You and Sweety sure have a good lot of fun, don't you? Water fights, Coffee Lips....lol!

Chickie said...

Heather - I still laugh about the lip balm too and it happened a couple of weeks ago. I did Sweety a favor and threw it away.

Osbasso - It keeps things interesting!

Marissa - I saw a kid the other day, a really loud in-your-face kid, and he had the Bert thing going on. I was trying to decide if I'd pluck/wax if my kid had one. I probably would.

Regal - I'm sorry! I'll stick that NSFW closer to the link next time :)

Lady of the Hills - It's my guess that Bert is one hairy critter under those clothes! Life with Sweety is interesting. He handles it all rather well.

Joey Polanski said...

From Sweetys prspecktive, I imagine th lip balm was pretty cold watr too ...

... if ya know what I mean.

here today, gone tomorrow said...

Sometimes - not too often - but just sometimes - I feel just a little bit sorry for Sweety.

Chickie said...

Joey Polanski - Yeah, things did go a bit south. But then I washed my face and made things right with him!

here today, gone tomorrow - Sweety likes the abuse. He's a freak like that.

That's what he tells me, anyway.

Monogram Queen said...

I am cracking UP over the lip balm thing! Fun is what it's all about! My babygirl has a unibrow but it's so pale it's not noticeable.. yet. Pluck away!

Chickie said...

Monogram Queen - I could handle a pale unibrow. This kid looked like some had slathered his on with a magic marker. And since he was obnoxious, your eyes were really drawn to it.

Anonymous said...

Hey My SISTAH! Long time no talk.

OMG this post was hilarious. You are a nut.

That pic of Ernie and Bert was so wrong. Well, it kinda turned me on, but we won't go into that.

OH OH OH!! Guess what? My EX went to jail last night for not paying child support as ordered. He was on probation for 4 yrs, and they finally had enough and arrested his ass! I'm SO happy! He has to post $5000 to get out, and that goes to ME!! I'm so happy!

Miss ya!

Chickie said...

Becky - Hey! You have been on my mind lately!

I'm glad to hear your good news!

You need to break your blog hiatus :P

The Phosgene Kid said...

At least you can see the spaghetti monster, unlike certain other invisible beings that supposedly run our lives.

Anonymous said...

I know that I have said this before but you and Sweety are meant for each other.

Chickie said...

The Phosgene Kid - That's what I'm saying! And I hear that he tastes better than Communion wafers too.

Midwestern City Boy - I know. I'm a lucky duck.