The Sickest Joke I Know (and I only know two)

this is an audio post - click to play
fyi: no cursing, just tasteless

So, do I sound like what you'd expect?
That's Stinky dog Tasha that you hear in the background.

Dear Zube Girl,
The world is ready to hear your "hineylicker" song.

I thought that joke would be a nice intro into this post. I am sick. I think it's ebola. Came home because my back was killing me. It felt like an army of ants that were all whacked out on meth were poking it with needles. Got home and puked a bit in the guest bathroom (so the dogs wouldn't know I was here) Ran a hot bath and laid in the tub so the little jet things could hit my back. Back still hurt and I contemplated drowning myself but I couldn't turn over far enough to do it. Realized that I needed to pee. Tried to get out of the tub but my back was so tweaked that I couldn't. Peed in the tub. Dozed off in the tub until the water got cold. After all the water drained outta the tub I managed to heave myself out and damn near took out the shower curtain. Flopped my wet self down on the bed til the pukes came back over me. Have you ever been vomiting while naked and suddenly felt a tiny wet dog nose probing your anus? Not a good thing. Sat on the toilet and commenced vomiting into the trash can. Noticed I was puking on two bras that Tiny had chewed on and rendered useless. Had to keep beating Tiny dog away from the trash because she wanted a bite of the puke while it was still hot. Couldn't keep her from eating the stuff that splashed out though. Thankfully, the hot bath helped a teensy bit on my back. On a scale of 1 to 10 it gets an 8 now instead of it's previous 17.


Amy said...

Eeeeeew!!!!! That sounds like a horrible experience. I can recall a few bouts with the flu that sound like what you've described. I distinctly recall sleeping on the bathroom floor because it was nice and cool in there. Until the massive chills hit.

I feel for ya, I sure hope you get over this soon.

Joey Polanski said...

Sad t think that tmorrow coud only be dull by comparison.

New Girl said...

That joke was SO disgusting.

I like your accent, though!

OldOldLady Of The Hills said...

OHHH! It sounds like you've some lousy virus or something..Gee, Chickie, I'm so sorry you are feeling so shitty!!! I hope you begin to feel MUCH MUCH better, very soon...

Love your 'new' Profile picture..Very Very cute!

This may seem weird...but your Gallbladder just flashed into my mind...Are you going to go to the doctor?? I'm not exactly a psychic or anything like it so...pay no attention to me...(I think.)

Just Me said...

Oh yuck... I won't be able to dip my chicken nuggets ever again! Hope you start feeling better instead of worse. :)

Bekah said...

I'm not listening to the joke at work, so it'll wait until I get home to hear it.

And, um, I'm really sorry you're so sick and your back hurts, but, um, please next time get out of the tub before peeing. That's really gross.

Mike said...

Now anyone that googles "peeing in the tub" will wind up here.

I will have to listen to your joke tonight. Too many ears here at work.

Hope you're feeling better.

Michael said...

Chickie Babe,
I feel for you. I absolutely HATE puking. But I usually feel better afterwards. Remind me to tell you my "dog licking butt" story. Hope you're feeling better soon.


MollyNormal said...

Sorry to hear you're not feeling well. You can rest easy knowing you're not alone! After that joke and then reading your post, I feel like I could puke up the pizza I just had for lunch. *blech*

Your voice sounds nothing like I thought. You've really got kind of a southern accent! It's very cute. We should talk on the phone sometime.

Hope you feel better soon babe!

bekah said...

I really never thought that you'd have such a southern accent! It's adorable!

I've heard that same joke only it was at a bar, and it was chips. lol. GROSS.

KyuBall said...

Puking naked, I've done...however, I've never been anally violated by a dog during the process.


Hope you feel better!

Zube Girl said...

Damn girl! I hope you feel better, soon.

And, there is now a whole NEW meaning to the 'Hineylicker' song. Heh.

How did you do the voice thing??? You sounded different than I thought. There's a bit of a southern twang, which I LOVE, but for some reason hadn't suspected. I'd love to post an audio on my blog.

Midwestern City Boy said...

The kids are around so I couldn't play your joke.

I certainly hope that you're feeling better by now. Yesterday didn't seem to be the best of days.

And a dog that licks up puke. YUK!

anne arkham said...

You sound more Southern than I expected. I guess I'd been thinking "Florida", not Oklahoma. My bad.

I sound like Dennis Franz, only a couple octaves higher.

Hope you feel better soon. Nothing like falling asleep in a tub full of cold pee.

txsm said...

Believe it or not, you sound like I thought you would.....true Southern.....I'm a born Floridian, Miami, but my folks moved us to Michigan where I got the "Northern" accent, but quickly lost it when we moved to Texas, and now that I'm married to a redneck...well...you can imagine.

I know exactly what you are going through with the puking....been there and done that thank you. And the animals....too funny, of course mine was the damn cat....why is it when you are trying to do your bathroom duties, there's the damn animals!?!

Chickie said...

Amy - I don't know what hit me but I'm glad it's over.

Joey Polanski - Sometimes no news is good news.

Bad Girl - I'm proud to say that I've made people vomit twice when telling that joke.

OOLOTH - Since I blatantly stole the cyclops cat photo I decided to move it to my personal desktop. I really enjoy the threesome bears!

I didn't go to the doctor. I'm feeling much better. Back's not as bad but still a little pukey. I know the doctor would tell me to lose weight and I don't feel like hearing that.

Just Me - Hee hee. Sorry to taint chicken nuggets for you!

Bekah - I'm telling ya, I did try to get outta the tub. I slipped down and decided it wasn't worth it. I'm surprised that you didn't think I'd have such a southern accent. That's what I get for living 25 years in OK and TX and spending the last 5 years talking to myself.

Mike - "peeing in the tub" would be one of the less odd things that could lead people here.

Michael - I can't wait to hear your story!

Mollynormal - Heh, it pleases me to know the joke made your pizza uneasy :)

I try to tamp down the accent but it's just there. We must speak sometime - your voice did sound like what I thought it would on your audiopost!

Kyuball - I could send you Tiny dog for your anal pleasure the next time you feel a naked puke coming on.

Zube Girl - Yeah, I thought of you when I felt her cold little nose.

MCB - The joke is kid okay. Just gross. And Tiny saved me the trouble of having to clean the floor.

Anne Arkham - I think the pee bath made my skin softer.

TXSM - I thought I'd lose the accent when I moved to FL but it has stuck with me. When I'm excited or pissed off it's really thick.

Bathroom duties draw my animal because she thinks there may be some kind of food in it for her. I got up to wash my hands before I flushed the vomit filled toilet and saw Tiny trying to leap in. She is one of a kind.

Deb said...

That's a nasty nasty virus that's going around. We've got 3 docs from our office out with it. One of them nearly passed out in my lab yesterday. Good thing it's got a short run time.

Glad you're feeling better.

Mike said...

Finally got a chance to listen to the joke. I have to tell it to a friend of mine. He is the king of sick jokes and he is going to love this one. Thanks for the laugh.

anne arkham said...

In that case, you could be on to something. Have you thought about opening a spa?

Midwestern City Boy said...

Thanks for the audio post. I was cool to her your voice but I will admit that your voice sounded a bit more southern than I expected.

BTExpress said...

OMFG! That was disgusting, but so funny. I'm almost, but not quite, ashamed to be ROTFLMAO!!!

Fuckkit said...

"tiny wet dog nose probing your anus"

Possibly a more disturbing image than the joke conjured up... ;)

Dirk the Feeble said...

Oh man, that's like the worst joke ever. Ugh.

bekah said...


You there?

Fuckkit said...

Incidently, whats the other joke...?

Chickie said...

Deb - I heard that around 80 people called out of where I worked one day last week so something definitely smacked us all good!

Mike - It's nice to know that the joke will continue to live on.

Anne Arkham - That's on my to-do list. I'm busy collecting pee. I have 2 milk jugs full so far.

MCB - It took me 3 or 4 tries to get the post okay enough that I could stand to listen to it. I don't like my voice!

BTExpress - Looking back on the post (and the whole dog nose thing) I can laugh now too. Kind of.

Fuckkit - You should've seen it from my side.

I may roll out the other joke at some point. It is truly distasteful.

Aremaedes - Coming from you, I take that as a huge compliment.

Bekah - Ow! You got me in the eye! I'm here. Just been hibernating.