Effing Looney

I'm pretty sure that I'm crazy as a bat. (phrase "crazy as a bat" shamelessly borrowed from Mike & Carmen) I think that the fact that I know that I am means that I'm not too far off though (nice. 4 "that's" in one sentence.) At work last night, I freaked the fuck out. Have you ever been hit with a huge guilty/ashamed sort of feeling? I was sitting at my desk, making a list of things that I need for our trip and one of the things that I put on the list was "small empty bottles for lotion & soap". And I got all excited about buying shiny, new, little bottles. And then I felt like a moron for being excited over something like that. That's when the guilty/ashamed feeling assaulted me. I had to step away from my desk and calm down before I freaked out. What the hell? I think this vacation is coming just in time.

This morning my alarm went off at 7 a.m. and I looked at it and thought, "Hey, Sweety's taking LittleBrother to school so I can sleep for another hour before taking BigBrother! Yay!" and reset my alarm for 8 a.m. At 7:27 LB is shaking me wanting to know if I was taking him to school. Oh, shit. He has to be there by 7:50 and got there in plenty of time but I feel horrible that we overslept. He needed to be there by 7:30 to help raise the flags and missed that deadline. When we got there, some kids had raised the American flag but hadn't raised the state flag yet so he didn't totally miss out on the flag raising ceremony. I've been toting them to school for almost 6 years now and this is the first time that I've overslept but I still feel bad about it.

The oversleeping was probably due to the fact that I was up much too late last night. Decided to give myself a manicure/pedicure at around midnight last night and couldn't go to bed til my nails were dry. I fell asleep on the couch around 2 and when I woke up a bit after 3, I didn't know where I was and about broke my leg when I got off the couch. It felt like my knee went backwards instead of forward and that caused me to bump off all the furniture in the living room like a junebug.

Oh, and then after I bumble my way into the bed at 3:30 a.m. I get this conversation from Sweety:

You don't like me. You don't cook for me. You didn't kiss me goodnight. You don't respect me. And that shit is going to change.

What. The. Fuck. Are you talking about? You have obviously lost your damn mind. *busily rifling around for something on my side of the bed to brain him with it*

(now he's using a fake television commercial announcer's voice, those voices that they use when they're telling you the side effects of a drug. speaking really low and fast) Please take everything that is said with a grain of salt. Certain rules apply to the salt. It must be no bigger than a grain of sand and is nonrefundable.
So, even though he was asleep when we had this conversation, I think he means it. I'm going to try and be nicer to him. I think I have been a wee bit neglectful in regards to him. I think a few days of hotel sex should get him right back were he needs to be.

Oh, lemme tell you something dumb I did last night. I get out of the shower and take my lotion bottle outside so I can smooth up myself while I wait for the dogs to potty before bed. We don't have any lights on out there and I can't see anything. I'm also naked as the day is long so I feel a little vulnerable. I lean over to lotion my leg and all of a sudden I smell men's cologne really strong. I think I must be imagining things so I lean back over and get another whiff of some sort of manly aftershave. I start to freak out because I know that Sweety is asleep so this must mean that I am fixing to be abducted out of the backyard by some guy who has doused himself in cologne. I'm still trying to be calm and I lean back over to get the lotion bottle while I gather my wits. That's when I realize that the smell is radiating from my armpits. I was out of deodorant and used some of Sweety's. Crisis averted.

I must go. I have 2 hours to bathe the canines, pack for the trip before we leave today and take a bath. Procrastination is my middle name.


Regal said...

Have a good trip.

Ya know, I'm reading this from work and read "crisis averted" as I'm sitting on the edge of my seat to find out what man is standing behind you as your lotioning your legs in the dark, in your yard, buck-naked...and then laughed freakin' out loud!

Slick said...

Well, at least your man says non incriminating stuff in his sleep ;)

Have an awesome trip girl and good luck!!

Chickie said...

Regal - Heh, sorry for distracting you so!

Slick - What he said may have been non incriminating but it almost got him a black eye!

Sara Sue said...

Hotel sex, hotel sex, hotel sex!! Have a wonderful time and try to get out of the room to see a little of Reno, huh?

patti_cake said...

Girl you have a wonderful, fantabulous trip! Lots of good hotel sex and steal the shit out of the good lotions/shampoo etc.

You had me worried there for a minute. Glad the crisis was diverted.

and can I just say that humping kitty at the bottom of the page is VERY distracting. Very.

Mike said...

Enjoy your trip and rent a hooker or two for me.

bekah said...

I think Sweety was actually dream-talking to his COAEW. He's growing sleep-balls, preparing himself for the actual conversation of telling her to go to hell. He's starting small. Or he's just screwing with you and he really WASN'T asleep.

Speaking of trips, did you make a hotel reservation for June yet?