8/14/07

Man Overboard!

The sprogs and I went to a waterpark today and damn near drowned in the fucking wave pool. We went out to where it was 8 feet deep because there weren't a lot of people there and we were hanging onto the ledge on the edge of the pool. You know, the lack of people should have clued me in that it wasn't a good place to be. When the lifeguard turned on the wave machine he started blowing his whistle and yelling at LittleBrother(10) to let go of the ledge. Sure, he'll let go of the ledge and then drown as the waves smack his little body against the wall of the pool. It took us a good 5 minutes to dog-paddle our asses to shallow water and it was the longest 5 minutes of my life. I couldn't catch my breath for the waves crashing over my head and I was worried that LB was going to drown. And then I was afraid he was going to latch onto me trying to save himself and kill us both so I decided to get away from him and let the lifeguard do his job if it came to that but I could hardly swim away. It took us all 45 minutes and a bowl of ice cream to calm down after our near death experience. Other than that, we had a fantastic time.

For the love of Pete, why, oh why does the exwife feel the need to poke me? I got an email from her yesterday (and I've never gotten a "hey, howya doin? sort of email from her): hi...long time no see. I'd like to reply with something along the lines of: no shit, sherlock. lets keep it that whay. (i'd misspell "way" on purpose just to make her feel at home. she's not the world's best speller.) Instead, I'm not going to reply to it and assume that she sent it to me on accident.

Let me tell you something horribly immoral and unkind that I was going to do but decided not to. The EW is enrolling her youngest boy in the school that LB and BB go to even though she's not in our district. I'd been telling Sweety that I was going to tattle on her and it was really bugging him. He felt that it was evil of me to ruin a 5 year old kid's kindergarten year. (By the way, I feel that it would be evil too. Too evil for me to actually do but I'd talk about it just to get Sweety's goat.) Sweety was so distraught over the fact that I'd make a small child cry that he finally said that he'd give me whatever I wanted if I'd just not do it. Part of my coal black heart wanted to squeeze him for a new chihuahua puppy but I figured that that's just wrong. It was wrong to let him think that I'm that mean. I mean, I know that he knows that I'm capable of some pretty devious stuff but I didn't want him to think that I flat didn't have a heart and would really wreck some kid's school year unless he gave me a dog. So I told him that I wasn't going to tattle and he didn't need to bribe me to not do it. Maybe he will appreciate that small bit of niceness and reward me with a puppy anyway. Probably not.

However, I am evil enough to park in those parking spaces labelled "For Expectant Mothers". I figure that since women used to squeeze out a kid while they were plowing the field and then get back to work that they're capable of walking a bit to get to the mall. And hey, I might be a mother someday! So let's just label me expectant now. (I won't hog up the very last space though. That seems too not nice. But if I see more than one then I guess that the pregnant women are all staying home and what's the sense of wasting so many primo spaces?) I had the boys and my niece last week when we went to the mall and I slid into one of those spots. My niece reads the sign and says that I shouldn't be there. I tell her that I might be a mother someday so I was parking there today. She started laughing so hard that she cried and said, "My momma only had me inside of her! You don't have any babies in you! You egg is cracked and no good!". I'm wondering if she has some sort of psychic streak.

Please excuse my excessive use of italics and parentheses in this post. I've been talking to myself a lot in my head lately.

7 comments:

bekah said...

"Your egg is cracked and no good"

OMG. I don't know whether it's appropriate to laugh or not.

I'm so glad you guys didn't drown.

The Phosgene Kid said...

Maybe you climbed into the Tsunami pool by mistake...

Mike said...

I have been looking for a way to get a new Chihuahua puppy for some time now and you have given me a wonderful idea. I'll use blackmail.

Glad you survived the Wave Pool of Death.

Joey Polanski said...

I dunno.

A watrpark that offrs a near-death experience ...

Shoud be SOME way t market that ...

patti_cake said...

I'm glad y'all were okay in the Wave Pool. I've been and they ARE very very scary!
Your niece sounds like a little miniature Chickie! hehe...

P.S. I know your nice becuase i'm reminded everytime I see the cute pink/white beanie you sent my little girl! :)

Chickie said...

Bekah - It's okay to laugh. It was all I could think to do at the time. She told me later that maybe my egg wasn't cracked - maybe it was just rotten.

The Phosgene Kid - That must have been what happened! They need to stick up a warning sign or something.

Mike - Blackmail can be a handy thing. Hey, would you like one well-seasoned chihuahua? I think Chi Chi is looking for a way out of here.

Joey Polanski - The near death experience wouldn't have been as exciting if we'd have known about it. I think that sort of thing is best served as a surprise.

Patti_Cake - I did manage to help mold my niece's little brain when she lived with me. It's creepy seeing it in action though.

Ah, the pink beanie! I still remember how soft it was!

Regal said...

Girl - I think you could have gotten a puppy out of it! You DO entertain my a$$. You have a way with words...but please NOTE: I got confused when you said "EW" because I'm so damn used to COAM - you get the idea.