Home Again!

I flew back to Florida on Sunday and am glad to be home. Not only do I get to heap love upon Tiny(er) Dog (she's lost at least 2.5 pounds in the past 2 weeks and has no extra chins now. looks like a new dog.) but I also get to sleep in my own bed again. Being on vacation really makes me appreciate that. During my travels, I got Sweety a gift.



Whenever I'm bitching about something, Sweety will say, "How much can you control?" and do that thing with his hands that the frog is doing. I saw this and just knew that he would love it. He said that he likes it but I've caught him looking at it like it's a rat turd. I do think he appreciates the fact that I thought of him while on vacation and that I lugged the 20 pound thing around for a week before getting it home safely.

And Sweety made something for me! He knows of my immense adoration of kimchi and when we were at my Mom's house he took note of how to make it!

All of this yummy goodness was waiting for me when I got home. There is a titch too much pepper in it but it is goooood. Have you ever eaten something that was very tasty and very spicy but the spicy didn't bother you while you were eating but when you quit eating it felt like your mouth was on fire? This stuff is like that. I eat it til I'm tired of chewing and then eat a piece of bread and some water. It tickles me that Sweety went to the trouble of going and getting all of the ingredients and made it. He's a keeper.

The last 2 nights of my vacation were spent with Bekah at a casino. We had a large time. Drank, gambled, shopped, tidied our piggies, jumped around like loons and had one big ass tub. I'd forgotten how much fun it was to jump on beds. I'm going to make a point to do it whenever I stay at a hotel.

Shit. I'm such a horrible mother. About 20 minutes ago, Stinky Dog was going bonkers - pawing at me and barking. I just thought she was being needy and shooed her away from me. I now see that she needed to piss and has released a half gallon of urine on the carpet. And here I just thought she was being super friendly.

Oh, guess what? The cuntofanexwife is getting married and moving farther away! Yaaay! Sometimes I do things that are just too mean to blog about and just trust me, I really got her goat a few days ago. Just a quick note: If you have a MySpace page and have really big news (like, uh, I dunno, you're getting married) and you want to surprise your children with it - it is a good idea to keep that news off of the fucking public internet until you're good and ready for everyone to know. No, we didn't tell the boys about her nuptials before she did but she thought that Sweety did (Sweety had told they boys that they might be getting big news. When she told the boys that she was getting married, they acted like it wasn't a big deal and told her that Sweety had already told them. But all he'd said to them earlier in the day was that they might be getting some news.) and she lost her pea sized brain while she was thinking that Sweety had already told her big news. Sweety got one hell of a phone call from her where she was screaming and crying and wanting to know just who told him that she was getting married and that it wasn't his place to share that information. He told her that he didn't know what she was talking about. It is a damn short trip to send her to crazy. Hee hee. The boys don't seem too crazy about her getting married. They will be acquiring 3 stepbrothers/sisters, ranging in age from 3 to 8. BigBrother(12) has declared that they are "heathens with no discipline". I feel sorry for the boys because she will be moving into her new husband's house and I'm afraid that they will not feel at home there. The boys mentioned that this will be the ninth house that they've lived in with their mom in the past 8 years.

Okay, enough about that.

I've decided to be a better spouse. My plan is to get up earlier on the days that I work to clean the place (instead of just sprinting out of bed and going to work), more sex and no computer time when Sweety is home. The amount of time that I tap away on the keyboard or surf the internet is lengthy and I'm going to try and use more time to visit with the humans that I live with. We'll see how the plan goes.

I'm going to go and try to catch up on things in Blogland now! Well, until I have to leave the house. BB is going into the 7th grade this year and has to get some immunization shots today. Seven shots. He is very excited to be getting poked seven times! Not really.

Greetings From Texas

Did you happen to see the doctored up photo that JediMacFan left in the comments section of this post? Well, go see. I'll wait while you do. BigBrother(12) saw it and said that now that he knows what he'd look like bald that he won't be shaving his head anytime soon.

I'm still in Texas and Sweety and the boys went home to Florida yesterday. I'll be going back this coming Sunday. It's been a pretty nice visit so far but I'm getting ready to be at home again.

At my Mom's house in Oklahoma it had rained about 30 of the previous 40 days before we arrived and all of this water meant that the septic system at her house was broken. This meant that she had a port-o-potty under the shade tree in the front yard for our comfort. Every time I went in there, I was afraid that someone was going to come and tump it over on its side.

It was great getting to see my Mom and Stepdad. My Mom is always working herself into the ground and she took a week off while we were there. I know that that was good for her. (even if she was busy finding things for us to eat in her spare time. god bless homegrown corn!)

Over about the past 24 hours I've come to the conclusion that I'm a really crummy wife and seeing how crummy is making me feel pretty guilty. I've gotten too comfortable with Sweety and have been taking him for granted a lot lately. A friend was talking about things that her husband does that is wrecking their marriage and about how she's just biding time til she leaves him and I realized that everything she was complaining about were things that Sweety could say about me. I'm going to exert some effort into being a better spouse with a quickness. Hopefully, he won't decide during this week that I'm gone that I can just stay gone and change all of the locks on me.

Have you ever gotten one of those tans that are hand sprayed on with a paint sprayer type thing? If you haven't, heed my warning and just say no. I'm looking like a rotten nectarine (Bee-you-tee-ful!) and am thinking of getting some sandpaper to rub off my top layer of skin.


I'm at a friend's house tonight and had the damnedest time getting signed online. To make a long story short - AOL sucks herpe infested donkey balls and it is useless to me.

And with that lovely mental image in my noggin, I'm going to fold my laundry and go to sleep.

Holler From The House

Hello, Internet. Tiny Dog here. Stinky and I are going on day 8 of being home alone and let me tell you, we have been some partying motherfuckers. It's a damn good thing that Stinky and me are uterus free or there's no telling what kind of surprise Mama would get when (if?) she comes home.

I knew that Mama was going away when she started shoving everything she owns into these boxes.



I tried to stow away and go with her but it didn't work. I need to work on crunching myself into a smaller ball so she doesn't see me.

Mama called and talked to me and said she is having much fun and that she misses me more than words can express. What.Ever. Bitch. Leaves me home alone with nobody to love me properly and then says she misses me. For some reason, her sentiments of missing me rang hollow.

How can she be missing me when Papa has her undivided attention? I think he's pretending to be a gang member here. Dork.



I've had a lot of time to think over the past week or so and I've come to the conclusion that my owners are damn fools. Maybe I'm just feeling bitter.

I found out that Mama got to East Texas today and finally got to some real internet service. Well, it's not the best internet service but it will do. When she was in Oklahoma she only had sporadic cell phone service and no internet. I know that she must be suffering from severe internet withdrawals. Poor Mama. If she'd have just stayed at home with me she wouldn't be missing her internet.

I'm gonna go eat some Stinky Dog eye boogers and have a good humping session on her head.

Tiny Dog out.

The First Day of Vacation!

If you're looking - the HNT post is lurking below.

What is the best way to start your vacation? Have your asshole of an air conditioning unit crap out on you at 10 p.m. the night before you're supposed to leave! Great times! Sweety is in the driveway right now trying to get the repairman to accept one of the children and a dog as partial payment. But at least the dog that will be here while we are gone will be cool.

I've been running around like a chicken with my head cut off the last few days. Had to work on one of my unscheduled days (Tuesday) so my day off on Sunday would be covered. I really don't like working a different schedule but I'm so glad that someone was willing to trade days with me. Otherwise, we'd have had to have left for vacation a couple of days later.

Oh, nice! Sweety just came in and it seems that the air conditioning company didn't decide to stick it to us and charge an arm and a leg for the repair! This is a sign of good things to come.

My posting will be spotty over the next week or so since we'll be travelling in the land of Dial-Up Internet Service. Adding insult to injury, the dial-up service is a long distance call.

I got a new cell phone yesterday. I broke down and gave eBay another shot and scored a nifty Samsung Blackjack. I now join the ranks of the cool kids, like him and her. It's going to take me a few days to figure out exactly what I'm doing with the phone but I should have lots of time to do that while Sweety drives us around.

I'll be glad when the laundry is done so I can finish packing and go to sleep!

This Cracks Me Up

I thought that I knew what my favorite photo was but I spoke too soon.

It's this one.



BigBrother(12) decided that he was ready for a haircut and him and Sweety goofed around with it before shearing it all off to the same length. I almost pissed my pants when I peeked into the bathroom and saw the carnage.

Happy HNT!

My New Favorite Photo

I think this Independence Day was one of the best days that I've ever had. We got to the lakefront about 4 hours before the fireworks were due to go off and got good seats. It wasn't hot and it was nice just sitting around and goofing off with Sweety and the boys. We were all silly and had a fun time.

Oh! Guess what I got today? A super comfy love seat and chair and a bookcase! I have been wanting a bookcase forever and a day. The coffee table is on back order but it should be here soon.


Pay no attention to the tiny picture hanging on the wall. I'm on a hunt to find a some sort of huge bit of canvas art to go there. If anyone knows of a good website for that sort of thing, let me know. I've spent two hours online looking at different sites.

And we also got a new kitchen table. It is especially good for tall folks. Sweety can sit in the chairs and not have his knees all scrunched up under his chin. My feet just graze the floor when I'm in them.


Sweety picked out and bought the furniture without me a couple of weeks ago and I was afraid that I wouldn't like it but I'm very pleased. (And you know that me being pleased is most important.)

We were so pumped up about the new furniture that we decided to get some stuff for the bathroom.


That wall had previously been blank. Tiny Dog really appreciates the decorations. She said it makes the bathroom seem more like a home than a shitter. I wish you could smell the bathroom - there are some smelly beads in the candleholders and they smell great. A very strong blend of vanilla and jasmine. Hopefully, it will mask the canine smell after a couple of days.

Yesterday was our 6 year anniversary. Time has really flown by. The first couple of years that I was here, I was so freaked out that that time is really a blur. The last four years are remembered pretty well. When I got home last night, Sweety had cooked a yummy dinner for me and then he showed off one of his many talents.

There was no Half Nekkid Thursday photo this week because I got ate the hell up by some sort of tiny flies at LittleBrother's(10) baseball game last Tuesday. There must be a couple dozen bites on me. You know what an ant bite looks like? How it gets a little blister in the middle? These bites are like that. On my neck, arms, elbows, fingers, legs and feet. I am one itchy motherfucker. I've been dreaming about scratching myself. I want to take a wire brush and just scrub all the bitten spots and then douse them with bleach. I have a feeling it would solve the itch problem but would lead to some nasty scarring.

I'm gonna go scratch now.

Cuarto feliz de julio!

I'm sitting here on the couch, watching the boys blow up a couple of air mattress things that you can use in the pool. Their mother was kind enough to send them over. Thanks. Maybe there was a reason that we don't have those kinds of things? Maybe the pool isn't really big enough for them and we don't want to have to deal with the mess of storing them? Maybe I'll stab them with a steak knife later.

I went swimsuit shopping yesterday and it was a success! I wasn't looking for a great suit, just one that I could live with for vacation. The boys and I were in Kmart (somewhere that I rarely go but I had a coupon good for $10 - yay, coupon!) and I found a black halter style one piece that contains the tits and keeps everything smoothed down. I wish that I could have found one with a skirt on it but this will do. If I don't look down at my legs then maybe nobody else will either. I'll probably just fluff up my cleavage so the eye is drawn to it instead of all of my other flesh.

We're going to watch a fireworks show tonight and the band Starship is going to be there. Since I found out they're going to be there, I've been hearing the song We Built This City on a constant loop in my brain. I also have the strange urge to put on some slouch socks and an oversized sweater and to put my hair in a ponytail on the side of my head. This shall pass.

Only 8 days til we go on vacation! Yaaaaay!

I hope everybody has a safe Fourth of July. Don't blow any fingers off.

Cuckoo

I don't know what happened, but I freaked the fuck out last night. Sweety and I were watching t.v. when a feeling of dread/fear consumed me. I wanted to open the door and just run down the street, screaming at the top of my lungs the whole way. It was like I was scared because I knew that something horrible was fixing to happen to me. I got really quiet while I was waiting for the feeling to pass and after awhile Sweety noticed that I was off and asked what was wrong. I told him I was just going crazy and that I'd be in the shower. After the shower, I calmed down a bit and could breathe without wheezing but it was hard to unclench my hands from the fisted position or blink. I've had my moments (usually before having to go to work but it hasn't happened in a long time) where I've been a crybaby for no reason but never anything like this just outta the blue. I think that our vacation in a couple of weeks is coming in the nick of time.

As vacation time nears, the more antsy I get about it. It'll be so nice to not really have much of anything to do for 2 weeks. For the first week, we'll all be in Oklahoma and Texas and then Sweety and the boys go home and I'll stay for a week in Texas to visit my friends. I. Can't. Wait.

Stinky Dog is one weird animal. I'll feed her in the morning when I go to work and sometimes the whole bowl of food is still there when I get home. We have a ritual (I call it "playing church") that we do before she eats the food that's been sitting out all day. See, she'll eat the stale food if I touch it. So, I'll use my pointy finger to stir the dog food kibbles and then say to her, "It is good, my child." and then she'll scarf the food down like it hasn't been available to her all day. Why does she like the food after I bless it? Why does she feel the need to starve all day long? Dumb (but very lovable) dog.

Patti_Cake has inspired me with her enchanting FUG posts. Lots of times when I'm out and about I see people that make me say, "Whatthehell?" and I decided to be brave and photo one of those folks the other day.

Do you know who Jocelyn Wildenstein is? She's one chick that's had just a wee bit too much plastic surgery. Well, I swear that I saw her in the mall while getting my nails done.

She flounced into the place to get a pedicure. About halfway through the pedi she fell asleep and got a full THO (titty hard on) while her feet and veiny little legs were being rubbed. I was sitting across the room and had to duck when those suckers popped up for fear of losing an eyeball. I've never seen nips like them. I wish that my camera phone was better and my photograph did them justice. I felt kind of weird taking her photo but figured that someone as dolled up as she was wanted people to look at her. See the chick sitting next to her? She figured out what I was doing after I clicked off the 3rd or 4th photo and was laughing her ass off.



Okay, I'm gonna try and be nice to everyone for awhile now to make up for this.