Shiny Happy

I'm happy.

This is so weird.

I can't remember the last time I really felt happy for more than 5 minutes. I'm going on day 3 or so. Maybe the meds are working or maybe it's my new job schedule or maybe it's that I feel like I can get out of the house and hang around other grownups without Sweety freaking out on me? Maybe it's a bit of all of the aforementioned. Whatever it is - I like it.

There were a few times today where I wanted to twist the boys' lips shut with bread ties just so I wouldn't have to listen to them pick-pick-pick at each other but I wasn't angry. It's nice to not walk around with a continuous undercurrent of angry pulsing through my veins. Instead, I have sparkly in my veins.

I'm gonna quit talking about it. I don't want to scare the happy away.

I mentioned to a friend my love of fizzing bath bombs and she has started making them! She sent some to me but I haven't had a chance to use them yet. I was going to tonight but I have to bathe Stinky and I don't like being in the tub after her. And I'll be too tired after washing her to sanitize the tub enough to sit my butt in it. When my friend's husband told Sweety that she was making bath bombs - Sweety told him that it must be nice to have a wife that has some initiative. I've been saying for awhile that I wanted to make them but that's as far as I've gotten. I'm such a slacker.

Why do I have a problem saying the word "vagina"? When my niece was here, she got a glance at Stinky Dog's flopping coochie (She's a big dog. It's big. You could probably stick ping pong ball in it if you greased it up.) and asked if I was sure that Stinky was a girl and not a boy. I told her yes and she asked how could I be sure. I said because Stinky doesn't have a penis. (See? No problem saying "penis") So she asked what Stinky had. (I know that she knows what Stinky has. I could tell from the gleam in her beady little eyes that she was enjoying that I was uncomfortable.) I said it was not a penis. Stinky has "girlie bits". And with that, Sylvie(9) gave an evil little chuckle and got in the shower. I was telling my sister about it and she said that it would have been okay to use the word "coochie". Vagina. Vagina. It just doesn't sound friendly.

Long Time No See

Damn, it's been so long since I put anything here that I hardly know how to start.

I've was busy-busy until Sylvie left last week. I took her home on Tuesday and spent the night there. And since then? I don't know what I've been doing.

My work schedule has changed. I'm off on Wednesdays and the weekends (weekends! squee!) now. Work from 9 a.m. to 8 p.m. I go in an hour earlier than I had been and that has been hard to get used to but I really like getting off an hour earlier too.

Friday night, I went to a friend's house and got home a wee bit late. Sweety came home from work to find a messy house and two hungry dogs and no wife and was a bit irritated when I finally did get home. Stinky Dog didn't help matters. She shit in the fucking pool when he let them out to potty. She was getting ready to pee on the pool deck and he was spying on her. She freaked out when he yelled at her to move off the deck and swung around and pooped right in the damn water.

It was one of the first things he mentioned when I weebled in at 1 a.m. Thanks, Stinky. You're "my" dog and you have to act like this when I'm not here?

On Saturday we were busy having crazy make-up sex and I got an accidental, tiny episiotomy with the Penis of Doom. It's never good when your coochie gets ripped. Even a little bit.

I've been having a hard time sleeping and took some melatonin last night. Have you ever taken it? It gives me some seriously strange dreams. But having crazy dreams is better than no sleep at all, in my book.

Okay. I'm gonna scoot around Blogland and get as caught up as possible with you all before Sweety gets home!

Lazy, Lazy, Lazy.

The niece and I have been having a large time. Yesterday, we putt-putted our asses off in the heat and then had a late lunch at a Korean restaurant. Then we came home and took a nap! (Ha! I can talk her into napping with me!) Sweety had to go back to work that night and we tagged along and had a late supper at Waffle House. Today's been a lazy day. We goofed around at the mall and had lunch at a Chinese buffet. (And another nap!) One thing that's really nice about running around with Sylvie(9) is that she loves Asian food so I can have it without having to sit in the restaurant alone.

Meet Buddy.


He is Sylvie's dog and I want to keep him. He is the best.dog.ever. He fetches! He sleeps in a crate! He runs into the crate when you say, "Go to bed." and he doesn't cry all night long!

Sweety and I hatched a plan...

Yesterday? While Sylvie an I were running around? We were going to hide Buddy at Sweety's sister's house and Sweety was going to come home and dig a hole in the backyard and refill it and tell Sylvie that Buddy got hit by a car and his body was so mangled that he had to be buried immediately. Then, when she leaves - he will be all ours! Mwahahahahaha! But I decided that I like Sylvie too much to traumatize her like that. I've been trying to talk my sister into giving him to us but haven't had any luck so far.

Hey, check this out. Sylvie does this weird thing with her arm. Double-jointed? It creeps me out.

Yeah, We Are Definitely Related.

Wow! Are those your bath fizzies?

Yeah! And check these out!

Cool! They're all so pretty and smell good.

(Sylvie doesn't say anything and watches me brush my hair for a few minutes.)

Aunt Anna?

Mmmm-hmmmm?

If something...happens...could I have five of your bath fizzies?

What did you say? (I knew good and well what she said. I just wanted to hear it again.)

You know...if something happens. May I have five of your bath fizzies?

Do you mean, if I DIE can you have five bath bombs?

Well, I'm not trying to bring it on to you or anything...but...yes.

(I immediately had a vision of her trying to smother me in my sleep if I told her yes so she would be able to get her inheritance. But it was also one of my proudest moments as an Aunt. I can tell that I have truly influenced this child.)

Tell you what, kiddo. Before you leave, we'll take a sack and you can take as many as you want home with you, okay?

Bah Humbug

Here I am. At home. With the stinking dogs. Not at the bowling alley, drinking tequila from plastic cups. Why? Because it was too hard for the coaEW to have the boys tonight because LittleBrother(11) had a baseball game and she didn't want to go to it. So the boys are here tonight and I had to come right home after work so Sweety could go to work. We don't like to leave them home alone at night. Fucking fooey. Yeah, I know I spelled it wrong.

I am so.very.tired. I don't know why, but I haven't had solid night's sleep since at least last Saturday. (That's as far back as I can remember.) Usually, it takes me awhile to go to sleep but when I do, I don't wake up til the alarm goes off. It's been like I can't get comfortable and toss and turn all damn night.

Dear Tiny Dog,
Thank you for taking this time to perch on my arm with your sticky asshole on my elbow!
Love,
Mama
I should put one of those round band-aids on her anus when she's in the house. Or maybe tape a dime over it. Keep me sanitary.

Some people make me want to puke. Have you ever been on the receiving end of someone being nasty-nice? It's my turn in that seat and I'm tired of it. Or maybe I'm a pessimistic bitch and I'm misreading someone. But I don't think so. I'm pretty sure that she's a shark.

On a lighter note...

Have you ever been over to Speck's place? You should check it out. She has been cranking out some very interesting cartoons. I like 'em.

Pretending

Occasionally, it's hard for me to fall asleep. I have a little something that I do to help that along.

I pretend that I'm a clam.


My legs look odd because I'm busy rubbing my feet together. I have to do that before I go to sleep.

You can't see them in the photo, but the earplugs are in so everything is muffled. Just like it would be if I were underwater. I fold myself over like that and chant, "I am a clam. I am a clam." in my head, over and over again until I fall asleep.

It's also fun to cover up completely with the sheet and stick one foot out. I flip it around and pretend it's my clam foot and that I'm trying to kick it in the sand so I can move along the sea floor.

If I want to lay on my stomach - I pretend that I'm an ear of corn.

Have a lovely Half Nekkid Thursday!

Completely Inappropriate

Hey! If I get that new schedule - where I'm off on Sundays?
Uh-huh.
We will eat pasta every Sunday! To pay homage to the Flying Spaghetti Monster!
Okay. I'm good with that!
We will give thanks that his noodly appendages keep us from flying off of the planet!
Alright...
And we'll drink whiskey with our meal!
Yeah!
Except for the boys. I'll give them tea in shot glasses!
*click*

Now, did that really warrant hanging up on me? I think not.

The only thing that Sweety finds more vile than cigarette smoke is coffee. The other night, after he got into bed, I put some lip balm on. Coffee scented and flavored. Heh, heh. Then I got into bed and started being all friendly. Right after he kissed me - he gagged and leaped out of bed while rubbing his mouth with the sheet. You should have heard me cackle. It was great.

We watched political happenings on the television last night. That sort of thing is a minefield in our house. I drank a lot (Matter of fact, I drank so much that I feel too crummy to carry through with dedicating this week's HNT to Mike. I need more gin bottles to do what I have in mind anyway.) and ignored Sweety while he needled me for several hours. I didn't ignore him. I just planned what I was going to do to him.

I was busy getting water icy cold in a cup as soon as he got in the shower. He had the cloth curtain open on the shower so he saw me immediately when I walked into the bathroom and told me if I dumped the water on him that I would be sorry. I figured the worst he could do to me was punch me in the nose and decided that I was okay with that, so I got him with the cold water and waited for him to do whatever it was. He turned the showerhead on me and doused me where I stood. I was fine with that because at least the water I got hit with was warm.

If your kid has a unibrow - would it be wrong to pluck it? And I don't mean a little unibrow. Think Bert.

Speaking of Bert...

Ever wondered what he does in his spare time? Wonder no more. That link would be NSFW if it were humans. But it's puppets so I dunno if you'd call it NSFW.

Take Your Monkey to Work Day

Sweety and LittleBrother(11) are at baseball practice. BigBrother(13) usually goes with them. When they are gone, I like to drink liquor and lay around naked while playing on the internet. I was getting ready to drink gin out of the bottle, when I noticed that I could hear someone bouncing a basketball outside. I took a peek and saw that BB had stayed at home and was playing with a neighborhood kid. I am so glad that I realized this before peeling off my clothes. That would have been awkward.

I hate dry pretzels. I pick them out of Chex Mix and let the canines have them. Stinky gets the ones that look like knots and Tiny gets the straight ones. I think it's funny to look at her with a pretzel cigarette hanging out of her mouth.

For the love of Pete. I no sooner than type that last paragraph before I hear Stinky Dog let out a series of farts. I look down and see that she is puking up her freshly eaten pretzels. I guess the spicy kind don't agree with her. I'm sorry, Stinky. Tiny is suffering no ill effects from the pretzels. She managed to eat half of the "good part" (no pretzels!) of my snack while I was scurrying around, cleaning up the puke. She is an opportunist.

Roger went to work with me yesterday. I got to work and decided that I'd look like a real weirdo if I toted him in under my arm so I stuck him inside a sack.


He enjoyed his day at the shithole. I'm going to keep the sack in my car so he can come with me everyday. I thought about leaving him there on my desk but I'd miss him in my backseat and he would probably get stolen. Then I'd get really mad and would burn the building down. I don't want to have to do that. Sprinkling gasoline. Running around the building with matches. That's just too much work.