Happy Halloween!

Tell me that this is not the cutest Halloween shirt?


I love candy corn. I love it even more when it is cannibalistic.

It was raining this morning but it's stopped. I hope it doesn't come back because I do not want to slog through the rain during our Candy Quest tonight. I'm taking the boys to two separate things that two cities are having and then we'll hit a neighborhood near our house. My cut on the candy action is 25%. When I told Sweety where we were going and explained the timing involved in getting to all places he remarked that I look at Halloween as a sort of candy scavenger hunt and that if I want candy I should just go buy some. I had to explain it's not so much the candy as it is just seeing how much we can accumulate. He thinks I'm so gungho about Halloween because where I grew up we only had 1 neighbor and had to drive to town to go trick-or-treating. Whatever. I like the hunt.

Speaking of hunting...

The boys went hunting for the very first time with their new stepdad this weekend. The dumbfuck didn't put any bug spray on them and now they have so many mosquito bites that they look like they have chicken pox. What is BigBrother's remedy to prevent a bug bite from itching? Scratch it til it's a bloody scab. He said once it has a scab on it that it doesn't bleed. Yeah, kid. No itch but now maybe you'll catch a staph infection! Unfortunately, he had scratched them all to the bloody scab state before getting here from his Mom's. The past few days we've been doing damage control with some anti-infection stuff.

Oh shit, it has started to rain again. Please, go away! I am going to be so pissed if we can't go trick or treating. I spent an arm and a leg on their costumes. (I justified that by saying that since they will be at their mother's next Halloween and we won't have to buy costumes that it's okay to splurge this year. That is what Sweety calls "Anna Math")

Everybody have a nice Halloween. Don't eat any razor blade infested apples.

Check Out My Box!

The Little Black Box was waiting for me when I got home last night! There were 16 samples in there and the sample sizes aren't just little dabs of stuff. There's actually enough stuff to get a good use out of the sample.

Bath fizzies and full size soaps! I am a soap whore. I don't buy a lot of bar soap (but I like to sniff it in the store) because I'm always in a hurry in the shower so I just use the squirty stuff. This will motivate me to enjoy bathing more.

Tealight candles and wax tarts! I don't have a wax tart burner but I must get one now.

A full sized powder eyeshadow in a nice bronzey-brown color! I can't wait to clean up and put it on!

The November box is mine as soon as it goes on sale!

Woot!

Procrastinating

I am shampooing the living room carpet today. Even though I have a pretty good carpet cleaner, I am not looking forward to it. That's why I'm sitting here telling you about it. All part of my procrastinitory process. (Yes, I like to make up words. You know what's really fun? Sometimes I'll make up a word and use it on Sweety and I'm so convincing that he doesn't know it's a word that I pulled outta my ass.)

When I moved the couch that Tiny Dog likes to hide under, she went batshit. She had all kinds of trash treasures under there and she was freaking out because they were no longer hidden. As I scooped up the bits of paper towel, q-tips, lincoln logs, socks and pieces of candy wrappers, she was running wildly in a figure eight pattern on the living room floor. She followed me to the trash can and as I threw her things away I think I saw her squeeze out a tear or two. As I speak, I can hear her little toenails clicking all over the house as she snoops around, looking for new things.

Too Old For This Shit

I seriously paid today for last night's drinking fun. Have you ever woke up and still been drunk? And the puking. Holy crap, the puking. My throat is raw from it.

Sweety drove me to work this morning because I couldn't stop retching. I puked in a big bowl on the drive to work. Sweety was also kind enough to video one particulary violent episode. Thankfully, he does not know how to put it on the internet. I ended up leaving work early because I just couldn't stand it.

Just so you know, if you ever hear me vomiting in a bathroom stall, I don't want to converse with you at all. No, I don't need help. I don't need a drink of water. I need you to shut up because I'd rather channel my energy into dry heaving instead of chit-chat.

Drunk Blogging

Does anyone out there watch Prison Break? We followed it the first 2 seasons but this season is just flat fucking ridiculous. I've given up on it but Sweety still watches. He says he's wasted 2 years of his life on it and can't just let it go.

One of my friends dropped off of MySpace and I'm pissed. (Hey, You! You hear that? I'm pissed! And sad. That is worse than pissed.) He was a friend of my sister's and I really enjoyed getting to "know" him through MySpace. He told my sister that he was spending too much time in front of the computer and killed his page because of it. I should probably consider that too.

About the cuntofanexwife being wanted by the police? After some snooping, it's been determined that it wasn't the police looking for her. It was probably some rent-to-own furniture place that she owes money to. Rats. And I was filled with such glee at the idea of her going to the pokey. Or something.

There is a brand spanking new liquor store 2 blocks from my home. I love it like a fat kid loves cake. Oh, oh, oh! Speaking of loving cake! We peeled outta here and went to the liquor store and the grocery store just before I started this paragraph. There is now a box of Twinkies nestled in the icebox. I had a little orgasm when we were buying them. I adore Twinkies. I mean it. Fucking adore them. We just introduced the canines to Twinkies. They adore them too. I'm letting the Twinkies get cold before I carefully lick their guts out. I'm going to get Sweety drunk and rub them on his weenie.

While we were at the grocery store I was able to read all of the trash magazines. It seems that Angelina is getting ready to kick that dirtbag Brad to the curb. You know this is a sign, right? I'm sure that she will be coming to fetch me soon. I've already instructed Sweety to start packing my bags. I'm taking the dogs with me too. Her band of merry orphans will love playing with them.

Good grief. I've been tapping away at this post for 2 hours and Sweety is still watching the stupid ass episodes of Prison Break that we have recorded. I want to cauliflower his ear. This is the worst show ev-ah.

I have managed to pretty much go through my whole blogroll tonight. Go me. I didn't comment though. I have made a pact with myself to not drunk comment. But it's okay to blog like this because you don't have to come here if you don't want to.

Kat mentioned The Little Black Box the other day. She spoke of it the day before the boxes went on sale and I made it a point to use my handy dandy phone to order one as soon as they went on sale. (That's a good thing. I checked the site some 10 hours after they went on sale and they were sold out.) To put it mildly, I am quite excited to get the box. I like samples. I like smelly stuff. I like surprises. I like mail that isn't a bill or bad news. The November sale starts at 5 a.m. on 11/23 and I am setting my clock for it already because I have a feeling that this will be a monthly thing for me. I will be sure to let you guys know all about what comes in my box when it arrives.

Sweet, tiny, bright-eyed baby Jesus who has never needed Visine a day in his life, my eyes are dry. So very dry.

I am a big fan of the word fuck.

Starring Stinky Dog

She's a hairy mess but I love her.

Happy HNT!

Nosy Nellie

The local county sheriff's department called Sweety's dad to see if he knew where the whereabouts of the cuntofanexwife. Sweety's dad lives in New Jersey and this is the second time that they've called looking for her. He told them that she was no longer in his family and if they could track him down from Florida that surely they could find her since she's living here.

I really think it is my civic duty to call the sheriff's office and let them know where she is (so they can quit wasting my tax dollars looking for her) but I know Sweety would have kittens if I did so.

Oh, what I would give to find out why they are looking for her!

Cube Farm Fun

One of my coworkers makes me want to stab myself in the head. She's a nice enough lady but she's slow like molasses in January. She's always asking for help but when I try to tell her what to do she must first (slooooowly) show me how she's been doing it before I can show her the proper way to do something. Sometimes she will do her demonstration, listen to me explain to her how it should be done (and I have to speak very loudly because she is hearing impaired) and then decide to continue searching on our helpdesk for another answer. Not to sound full of myself, but I've been working at this fucking place for almost 6 years. I've got a pretty good handle of how things should be done. If you want to take me off the phone (and that hurts my numbers for the month) or ask me a question while I'm on break (and that takes some of my sanity) then at least do what the hell I'm telling you to do! It might work!

I accidentally blew out 2 of her hearing aid batteries a few weeks ago. I was playing with my phone under my desk. You have to keep your cell phone away from your work phone because it will cause static on the line when you're talking to a customer. About 10 minutes before quitting time, I was downloading something on my phone and it was causing my phone to sound odd. My neighbor took her hearing aid out and said that the hearing aid in her right ear (the one that was closest to me) had been squealing all day (and that never happens to her) and that the battery had just died on her. She said she had to change her battery twice and that was a very strange thing to have happened. Oops. Now I hold my cell phone to my other side if I am using it under the desk.

Woof!

It's just me and the canines tonight. To celebrate(?), Stinky and Tiny get to sleep in the bed with me. Stinky dog is beside herself with joy. This is like her Christmas. She has spent the last 30 minutes wildy rubbing her head all over me. Chi Chi can't come up here because I'm afraid that she might fall and hurt herself on the wood floor. She's happy having the regular dog beds to herself anyway. She's snoring away like a tiny fog horn.

I wish Sweety would let them sleep in the bed with us. I like having Stinky up here because she looks so happy. It's a trial to make a Basset Hound look happy. Usually, she looks like you just killed her best friend. When I get ready to sleep, she will let me spoon her. She's a good spooner.

Can't you just feel the happiness radiating from her?






It's not so gratifying to have Tiny in the bed. She thinks she's entitled to be up here and thinks nothing of trying to steal your pillow or laying herself right in your path.

Doesn't she look like a zombie here? I felt bad that they were in the bedroom all day while I was at work so I got a cheeseburger for them to share on my way home. I guess cheeseburgers make you very tired.


I ran out of dog food for Chi Chi so she got a frozen pancake and sausage for dinner. It's probably healthier for all of us that Sweety is not away from home too often.

What A Day

Sweety had to go away for a couple of days so the sprogs and I did some running around alone today. Went to Sea World for their Halloween Spooktacular thing. Basically, we cruised around and collected candy from the places where it was being given out and then we left. This was a time where it paid off that we have season passes because I didn't feel bad about going there and not riding any rides or watching shows. After that we watched The Game Plan. It was a cute, predictable, feel-good movie.

Before we went into Sea World, my phone died. Yeah, the new iPhone that I got 3 short weeks ago. After the movie (since we were in Orlando and close to the Apple store), I decided to go to the mall and see about getting it fixed. It started to rain cats and dogs while I was driving to the mall and I was a nervous wreck by the time we got there. We run through a downpour and get drenched and then realize that we are in the wrong mall. Yay. Not.

Get back in the car and fight crazy nutjobs in traffic and get to the Apple store 3 minutes til closing time. They won't let me in unless I show them my credit card and tell them that I want to buy something. I thought about buying an iPod and then returning it later just to get to speak with a tech but the door guard told me that I couldn't speak with tech advisor if I did get in the store. I damn near cried. If the boys hadn't been there, watching me intently to see if I was going to go crazy, I probably would have.

When I was talking to the door guard at the Apple store, I asked him if there was a way to reset the phone and he told me yes but I'd have to make an appointment with a service tech to do it. After getting home and spending 15 seconds on Google, I found out that there is a way to reset it (of course!) and the phone is working again. Thank you and amen.

I was sitting on the couch, being grateful that the phone was working and the urge to get to the bathroom right now hit me. Ever needed to poop so bad that you had to carefully walk so as to prevent leakage? Yeah, that was me. My tip-toeing self stepped in a puddle of Stinky dog slobber on the floor and I fell down like a ton of bricks. Twisted my ankle, bounced off the dresser and had my shoulder twisted behind me somehow. To add insult to injury, I shit myself a tiny bit during the surprise crash to the floor. Wonderful.

Hmmm?

Let me ask you something. In the HNT post right below this one? When you click on the photo and it takes you to the original, what is it that you first notice? Is it my right nipple? Because that is the very first thing that Sweety noticed when he looked at it. I think he is just a perv.

Suppose a cuntofamother someone has an affair and nine months or so later, she has a little souvenir. When does the kid get told that the person he thinks is his sperm donor is not? Because the kid and sibling are really noticing that one doesn't look anything like anyone else in the family and are questioning who is it that the kid takes after.

Waterbaby

Happy Half Nekkid Thursday!

Pssst! It's a click through.

#953

Earlier in the summer, we had a couple of instances where Chi Chi fell into the pool and I thought that those times were behind us. I've taken to giving her a taxi ride to and from her bathroom at night and that seems to have ended that probblem. I forgot about the variable of one Stinky Dog. Stinky is kind of like a bull in a china shop. She doesn't give a damn if one of the other dogs is in her path. She'll bulldoze right over them so they try to stay out of her way. Chi Chi saw Stinky barrelling up the pool deck and decided that she should back up and into the pool she went. If I really want to prolong Chi Chi's life, I need to just flat keep her way from the pool. Or maybe the cool dip rejuvenated her?

As I speak type a new garage door is being installed! A few years ago, I was on my way to work and in such a hurry that I did not open the garage door before trying to drive out. This resulted in a badly dented garage door. Over time, the dents have turned to cuts in the metal and the door was making a horrible noise when it was opened or closed. I'm sure the neighbors will be happy to see it fixed.

I started reading Visiting Life last night and finished it up this morning. It's about women who have husbands/boyfriends in prison. The ending totally took me by surprise and I cried my eyes out at 9 a.m. I don't like to cry in front of the dogs because it freaks them out. Tears make my eyes even more yummy looking to Tiny Dog and when you are sad is not a time that you want to be flicking a dog off of your eyeballs. I let her lick my eyes one time. I thought if she got to do it once that that would take some of the mystery away for her and she wouldn't want to lick them anymore. I was wrong. I guess eyeballs are Tiny Dog's herion.

Bugs, Boobs & The Beast

Most of the filthy love bugs have gone away. I can sit in my car in front of the school and not have them swarm in through my open windows. Their departure signifies that summer is over. Yay!

I weighed my tits this morning. 7.4 pounds. Now, that's not alot in the scheme of things, but it is quite a bit to have flopping off of your chest every.single.day. You've heard of the pencil test? Where if you can put a pencil under your boobs and it doesn't fall then they are too saggy? I could easily confine Chi Chi under mine. I don't necessarily want to make them much smaller. Just get them hoisted up. When I spoke with a doctor about it awhile back, he told me that they would be as perky as they were when I was 18. When I told him that they: had never been perky that kind of stumped him. Depending on my weight, I go between a 34DDD and a 38DDD (right now I'm at the 36) and that is too damn much. I'll get them reduced and lifted someday. I'm just not quite ready to part with them.

See that green blanket that Chi Chi is on? Chi Chi lived with my Grandma for a few years and Grandma loved her immensely and made her that quilt. I think part of the reason that I'm dreading Chi Chi's demise is that having her around is kind of like having Grandma around too. One day last week she didn't eat for 24 hours and I was freaking out. She is usually not one to turn her nose at any food. She has since found her appetite. Maybe she just liked having me and Sweety coo at her and try to hand feed her treats. The other night, (while playing a video game with Chi Chi in my lap after everyone else was in bed) I was reminded of one of the first times that I'd met her. I was 20 years old and the exhusband and I were at his friend's house (Chi Chi's original owner). Everybody decided that they wanted to go to the casino and then realized that I couldn't because I wasn't 21 yet. So I stayed at the friend's house and played SuperMarioKart on the Nintendo until my thumbs had blisters on them while Chi Chi snoozed in my lap. If she'd have told me 11 years ago that she would be retiring in Florida with me and a whole new family, I'd have never believed her.

It is crazy how things can turn out.

Sniping

What am I doing up so late? Waiting for an eBay auction to end so I can snipe something at the last minute for BigBrother(12). He wants to be Killer Clown for Halloween and I've found the perfect mask on eBay. Hopefully, I will win it.

While we were out and about this weekend, I went in for a consultation for laser hair removal. Sweety it's either this or a boob job. I can't decide if it would be better to have smaller tits that aren't all sweaty up underneath them or to have everything all hairless (They can do your eyebrows and upper lip! Do you know how nice it would be to not have to wax that shit? And armpits!) so I could smooth up with baby oil and run around like a greased pig til Sweety caught me.

What to you get when you let an angry little dog lick champagne off of your fingers?


It makes her nice and friendly so that she crawls into bed with her enemy.


And here's Stinky dog doing her "love me" wiggle.



I'm gonna have to start taking notes when I have blog post ideas. I swear, I had a bunch of things to talk about and I have resorted to cute dog photos.

Yes! I swooped in at the last minute and won the eBay auction! I can feel successful as I go bed down.

Peek-A-Boo

You probably know what day it is. Have a good one!

This n That

I sit in front of the school, waiting for LittleBrother(10) to get out (in an hour!), under the burning hot sun. Yay. I don't run the car and the air conditioner because I'm trying to not waste gas. Instead, I'll sit here and get hot and delirious. I like hallucinating. Fun fun. The dude parked behind me got out of his corvette and is shining its wheels while he waits in line. Part of me wants to get out and shine my wheels too now. Except my wheels aren't shiny. I wish they were though.

I had a nice exwife rant ready to go but I erased it. Maybe I'll save up all of the things that she does that pisses me off and just write about them once a month or so. (but I'll use this post to purge myself) It aggravates me that Sweety wants me to help the boys with their school work and whatnot but he won't say anything to the COAEW in regards to it. Such as homework being done incorrectly when they are at her house. You have no idea how this crawls all over me. He says if he says anything to her that she will be totally irrational and it won't solve the problem of the homework being done wrong. I did warn Sweety last night that I will probably go apeshit on her some time this school year so he needs to start mentally preparing for it. Maybe I could blackmail some shiny wheels out of him in exchange for my silence. I don't think I will be able to bite my tongue though.

BigBrother(12) has an orthodontist appointment today. His braces should be off in the Spring and he is so ready for that. Oh, another thing - the COAEW doesn't make sure he brushes and flosses his teeth at her house. I realize that a 12 fucking year old should have the wherewithall to floss his own damn teeth without being instructed. But dammit, if you know your kid isn't doing it without a gentle reminder - remind him! It's always nice to get him after he's been there for 4 days and a forest is sprouting along his braces. I guess since she's not paying for braces or insurance she doesn't feel the need to bother with these things. I think we should start shocking him when his teeth aren't properly cleaned. With a cattle prod.

Enough grouching.

Guess what? We have no Little League baseball game this weekend! Yay! I go to the games and am all supportive and stuff but sitting in the sun for 2 or so hours while kids whack around a ball is really the last place on the planet that I like being.

My car has a sun roof but I rarely use it. I'm afraid of flipping over in an accident and having my head scrubbed off. Or a tree limb coming in through it and smashing my head. I'd hate to die in a crash because something got to me through the sun roof. I will crack it open if I have fast food so the car doesn't smell like a french fry. There is a nice air freshener under the seat that keeps everything in the car smelling like a urinal cake. I like it.

Do you ever leave candles burning when you leave the house? I do and it bothers Sweety. This is something that I've always done. I'll stick the candle some place where there is nothing near to flutter into the flame and then leave it. I've never heard of a candle just spontaneously combusting and burning a house down. I think it needs some food for the fire.

Twins

Do you notice that both of these dogs have their tongues hanging out? Chi Chi (on the left) has walked around with her tongue flopping out her whole life. Tiny Dog has only started this since Chi Chi moved in. Tiny has also started "talking" in her sleep (something else that Chi Chi does) since Chi Chi got here. Coincidence? I think not.

Stupid Blogger

Has anyone else had a problem with blogger eating comments?

I know damn good and well that I replied to the comments on last week's post before I put up yesterday's posts and my comment was gone this morning. I've had this happen a few time recently.

I wish I was brave enough to break up with blogger. I've set up accounts in other places (wordpress & squarespace) but keep coming back here.

*gulp*

I swallowed my barbell during lunch today. One of the little balls came undone and the metal part along with the ball on the other end went down with my bite of burger.

I hope it comes out okay.

The Most Boring Post Ever

My sister, her husband and my niece came down this weekend and we had a large time. I'm so glad that they live closer to me now. They're coming down for Thanksgiving too. They are some cooking fools. My BIL fried a turkey (Have you ever had a fried turkey? This was my first and I don't think I'll ever cook one in the oven again!) and they brought a ton of crab legs. Sis and I ate and drank salty dogs til our eyes crossed. Yummy stuff.

They also brought their dog and cat with them. I thought Tiny Dog was going to explode from fury. She didn't want anything to do with the other animals but Stinky would play with them. It pissed Tiny off to no end that her friend was playing with someone else so she'd sit on the couch and watch while barking, growling, crying and quivering with anger. The last morning that they were here Tiny decided to be sociable. Crazy bitch.

LittleBrother's teacher requested a parent/teacher meeting yesterday to discuss his reading comprehension. She sends home a folder that she wants the parents to sign every night. She said to Sweety and COAEW that she appreciated them signing it. COAEW replied, "I know I forget to sign it sometimes but when I do remember to do it then I do." Well, no shit. I think she'd have sounded more intelligent if she'd just kept her mouth shut. She also told the teacher that reading "wasn't her strong point" when discussing LB's reading skills. Sweety said he was dying to ask her what exactly was her strong point. This is why I don't do these meetings. I would not be able to keep my yap shut. COAEW also brought her 2 year old to the meeting and she starting slamming her head on a desk to get attention. Nice.

Since we were slow at work yesterday, I got off a few hours early. It was nice to get home while the sun was still up. I'd known that I was going to be off for a few hours in the middle of my shift but thought I'd have to come back and work the final hour of my shift but it got worked so when I left I got to leave for good. (Geez, what a horrid sentence. Sorry.) Got home and realized that the laptop had died so I spent a good chunk of time locating the proper disks to reformat it and now we are good as new.

Let me warn you - If you are driving down the interstate and you have your stupid arm hanging straight out of your window and you don't yank it back in when I drive by - you might pull back a nub. I almost had to teach someone a lesson during my drive home yesterday.

Oh rats. I just remembered that I left my damn driver's license at work yesterday. I forgot my work identification and to get a temporary one I had to give them my license. This wouldn't be a big deal except that BigBrother has an orthodontist appointment tomorrow and to get him out of school I have to show it. Crapola. I've gotta go back to work to pick it up. Maybe I'll get lucky and Sweety won't read this and realize that I wasted gas to go retrieve it.

Hola!

I feel like I've been chasing my own tail for the past week. Like I have a ton of things to do but it seems like I'm not making dents anywhere. I've been a totally sucky blogger lately and that is just a bit more guilt to put in my wagon.

I had to work yesterday so I could be off this Sunday. My sister and her family are coming down this weekend and I wanted to be able to be off when they're here. I'm glad that I was able to work something out so I could be off but I really hate working outside of my normal shift. I got off yesterday at 5:30 p.m. (usually I get off at 9) and got to see most of my fellow man on their way home from work. The drive that normally takes me 25 minutes took about 45 instead. Reminds me of why I like to work odd hours.

The COAEW got remarried this weekend. There is something that I would like to say that is really unkind and politically incorrect but I won't. Instead I'll say that I hope they have a nice life. And I hope that the new husband is educated enough to check the boys' homework.

Sweety was super nice this weekend. We went to an all-you-can-eat seafood place on Saturday (I'll bet I ate 5 pounds of crab legs. I ate until my arms were tired from cracking their little legs open.) and after that we went to the mall and I got an iPhone. It is the motherfucking bomb. I like miniature things - little samples of shampoo, those tiny Tabasco sauce bottles in MREs, baby corn, etc. - so knowing that there is a little computer in my purse just really makes my thingy wet. I said that I didn't want one of these phones because you can't use them to make a video but I realized I don't use the video recorder much. I think the last time I used it on my old phone was when I was on vacation to say hi to someone so they could see my drunk and spray tanned orange self. The world can probably live without that sort of thing so it's better that I don't have a video recorder at my disposal. Sweety said that when the next wave of iPhones come out that he will take this one and I'll get one that has video capability. I also see how easily it would be to go bankrupt at the iTunes store buying movies and music. A small movie on a little screen? That pleases me so.

Have you ever had a sneaky drunk? (Sweety thinks it is hilarious to ask me questions that require me to do math after I've been drinking.) I got one of those last night. I was sipping away while sitting on the couch and when I stood up, I almost tumped over. It surprised me. It also surprised Tiny Dog because I almost smooshed her while getting my balance.

Oh! I also got a tripod for my camera this weekend too. This should really broaden my HNT horizons. Not this week though. I felt too crappy from last night's sneaky drunk to do any modeling this morning. Expect great things next week!

Do you know that is is Boobiethon time? I participated the past couple of years but not this year. A week or so ago, I got a couple of mosquito bites on my lefty and I scratched them. Lefty is a little mangled and is not photo worthy. But you should go on and check out everybody else's. Tits for a good cause. What more could you want?

Okay, I am really going to go clean my house and then I can catch up on the happenings in blogland this evening!