Keyboard Vomit

Chi Chi is leaking. Whenever she gets off of her pillow, there are these little brown dots on it. I can't tell if it's coming from her butt or her nose. Probably her nose. I told that bitch to quit it with the cocaine because it was going to wreck her but she just doesn't listen. She had this huge growth on the side of her head and it popped while she was sleeping a couple of weeks ago. (That kind of disappointed me because I was looking forward to operating on it when it looked ripe.) (Sheesh. I am disgusting.) It is something that will come up on her head and then it goes away for awhile and then it comes back again. The vet said it wasn't anything to worry about. Maybe that is draining. Poor dog. Getting old sucks.

Hey! A friend of mine has started blogging. Go give him a peek. He's an odd duck. When we were in school, he ran around with my sister but I knew him. The last time I saw him was a few years ago when I was in Oklahoma on vacation. I was going to the bar with a couple of people and he was going too. I remember sitting in the back of the truck for like 15 minutes after he got in and all of a sudden he said really loud, "Holy shit! Anna? Is that you?" and I thought, "Damn, dude. I've been sitting her and we've spoken. You didn't know who the hell you were talking to?". That night was his birthday and I paid his cover into the place we were going (Since it was his birthday. I don't think you should have to pay for shit if you go out with buddies on your birthday.) and one of the girls I was with pulled me aside and wanted to know why I did that. She was the same bitch that I remembered from running around with 15 years earlier and by the end of the night I wanted to poke her in the eye. Haven't seen her since.

I find myself turning into one of my best friends. Eliza is 56 and lives in Texas. We used to work together and we are very similar. She says that I am her 25 years ago and that by the time I'm 50 that I'll be just like her. One thing that we aren't eye to eye on is religion. (But she says when she was my age that she had the same beliefs as me.) She's hoping that the Rapture will happen soon so she won't have to deal with some things. I just tell her that I hope it comes before she does some serious housecleaning or work. That way she won't waste her time cleaning her house or doing some chore that she's been putting off only to be spirited away to heaven the next day. That would be a gyp. (I hope the Rapture happens soon so there won't be so many people on the road when I'm driving to work.) I remember her telling me once that she didn't like visitors to her home and she surely would not let anyone in her house that wasn't a pet owner. That you need to be a pet owner to be okay with the messes that pets make. (Hair balls, piss spots, etc.) I am on that bus now. I don't want you in my damn house unless you have a furball of your own. I miss her. She needs to move to Florida.

In a couple of weeks we are going to our friends house for the night and guess what? They have a whole houseful of animals so I get to take all of the girls with us! Not only am I excited about seeing my friends (Hi, Dawn!) but I'll be able to relax and not spend time worrying that the dogs are freaking out because they are home alone.

Today I decided to get PeteTheFish a new abode. It took all of 40 minutes in Wall-Hell for me to find something suitable. Didn't want something too shallow because he might not like it. But not too deep because what if going down deep made his ears pop or disturbed his brain? Needed to be clear glass so he could see the world. I finally decided on something (A giant wineglass. Original, huh?) and plopped him in it. I think the new surroundings shocked him. I washed the new bowl and rocks and even bought new water for him. Maybe the cleanliness of it all was too much for him. He looked kind of puny when I left the house. I hope he doesn't fucking die. Pete VI died after I had cleaned his bowl so I was extra careful today.

Many moons ago, I worked in a Mexican restaurant as the secretary/office manager/book cooker/glorified gopher. (To this day, the smell of cilantro makes me want to hurl.) The dish washer there was this really squirrelly guy. Mid-forties, lived with his mom, red hair, bushy red mustache and a crazy smile all of the time. He liked me. On Secretary's Day, he hid behind the door going out to the parking lot and when I walked up he jumped out with a fistful of plastic flowers and screamed, "HAPPY SECRETARY'S DAY!" (The good thing about it was when my boss found out that the dish washer got me something for Secretaries Day, he gave me a $50 gift certificate the next day.) He got fired not too long after that for following women into the bathroom and watching them pee. Why do I tell you this? I saw some guy today that looked just like him and for a moment I slumped down in my car seat so he wouldn't see me.

Oh, gag. I just took the dogs out. When I picked Chi Chi up, I got a handful of goo. It appears that the leakage is coming from her southern parts. It is time to squeeze her anal glands. Goody.

Niece's Letter to Santa

Don't you love how she acknowledges her little bad attitude and her willigness to work on it? If there's one thing she has - it's attitude.

Just Say "NO!"

Sweety and I are making BigBrother's bed...

What would you do if we found a crack pipe under the bed?

I'd snoop around til I found his stash of crack and I'd smoke it all.

Are you serious?

Yup. Then I'd break the pipe and put it back under the bed. Then he'd be grounded forever. What's he gonna do? Complain to you that I smoked his crack?

Sometimes it's reeeally hard to keep a straight face when I'm yanking Sweety's chain.

We Party Hard In My Crib, Yo. Check It.*

5 beers + 1 glass of champagne + Sweety = a big sleeping lump

Guess I'll hit the hay too.

^*I don't know exactly what "check it" means but I like the way it sounds.

Squee!

What do I do if left to my own devices on a day that I would normally be at work? I buy shit off of eBay! The whole set of comics in The Dark Tower: Gunslinger Born series (along with the sketchbook and guidebook) will be in my hot little hands soon.

Scotty Ice would have been handy to have around as I figured out what different abbreviations meant in regards to the comic books. Thank goodness for google.

I'm going to shut of my computer before I spend any more money.

Thanksgiving with the Girls

We had our Thanksgiving dinner yesterday since they boys are at their mother's today and Sweety had to go to work for a bit this morning so I'm just lazing around with the canines.

Whenever we have a bunch of food, I'll give the dogs some with their dinner. Stinky was so excited last night as I loaded up her bowl with green bean casserole that she was shaking with excitement. Shaking so freaking hard that her teeth were chattering together! At first I didn't realize where the tiny buzzsaw noise was coming from and then I realized that it was following me.

We way overcooked yesterday. There's 10 pounds of broccoli cheese casserole in the icebox. I had some for breakfast and then had a nap with Tiny. Stinky and Chi Chi also got some more leftover green bean stuff this morning and they are conked out on the couch with Tiny. There is a symphony of dog snores and wheezes going on here.

They are making me sleepy again.

I'll finish this off with a photo of Chi Chi. I'm thankful that the grouchy little bitch is still kicking this Thanksgiving.


Hey, do you see that toe to the far left? The nail is gone. It got broken some time ago and fell out before she came to live with me. That bare little toe pad is so cute. She likes for it to be kissed.

May Yours Be Better Than This Fellow's

Do You Know What Time It Is?

It's SCIENCE PROJECT TIME! WOOOOOOO-HOOOOOO!

This year, BigBrother(13) is doing an experiment to see what kind of insulation works the best*. Sweety helps with the experimenting part and I help with the getting-all-of-the-information-on-a-posterboard-and-making-it-look-nice part. I'll be glad when the project is over. Every year I say that it is my last year to help with the stinking projects and I keep getting sucked into them. Maybe I will go on vacation this time next year.

We did find some fun uses for the leftover insulation.



*Feel free to steal this experiment and use it for your own middle-schooler. I bought the damn idea off of the internet after BB's science teacher shot down 2 or 3 project ideas that BB had submitted. Consider it my gift to you.

I Want...

Have you heard of Joe Hill? He is the son of Stephen King and has published 2 books so far. I didn't realize that Stephen King had begat children that were authors and when I found out, I got a hard-on that was 2 inches long and didn't go away for 3 days. I read his first book, Heart-Shaped Box and really liked it. I just got 20th Century Ghosts today and am taking my time reading it up.

I read somewhere that a signed, first edition copy of Stephen King's first book sold for around 10 grand. You can get a signed, first edition of Joe Hill's book on eBay for a bit under $200 right now. My fingers are so itchy to go there and hit the "buy it now" button that I almost can't stand it.

But I won't. I have books stashed all over this damn house. I don't need any more.

I wish Sweety liked to read so I could catch him up in my enthusiasm.

Already?

BigBrother turned 13 today. He's almost as tall at me. Sheesh, time flies.

Child Abuse?

Sweety and the boys are doing some yardwork. While removing a tree stump, they ran into a bunch of grub worms. I offered the boys money if they ate one. $150 if they ate it alive and let me video it. $100 if they want me to remove the pinching mouth part of the grub first. Sweety said that was very close to child abuse. I don't think it was because I wasn't forcing them to eat it. It was merely an option.

TGIF

Thank goodness for the extra-large Swiffer wet-sweeper. My floors aren't sanitized but at least when the sun hits them, you don't see rings on the floor where the dogs have leaked.

I think that Sweety told me a lie by saying that his dad was going to be here today. I think it was a ploy to get me to clean the house. The house isn't as clean as I'd like it but my case of "don'tgiveafuck-itis" is very strong. I'm looking at the top of the coffee table and it needs to be polished but I don't know if I'll do it. Maybe I'll just keep the lights dim in the house and they won't see the dust and disarray.

Someday, when Stinky Dog goes to dog heaven, I'll be really sad. But if you were to weigh my sadness and the relief that I will have at not needing to sweep up another ginormous dog hair ball or wipe up a drool spot, the relief will probably weigh more. She's a fine dog but damn, she is high maintenance. (Sweety would say, "Just like her Mama.")

Hey! If you ever have surgery and something is being removed, ask the doctor if you can have it and send it to me. I like seeing things that belong on our inside. A friend of mine had two bone spurs taken off her foot and the doctor was kind enough to put them in a little bottle of formaldehyde.

When Tiny Dog looks at me all lovingly, I imagine that she is yearning to tell me something in Italian. I know she doesn't know Italian (She speaks English with a high pitched Spanish accent. And sometimes it's a British accent. Depends on her mood.) but the watery, sad look in her eyes makes me think that maybe she does.

Ah, the sweet sound of the neighbor's dog barking incessantly and the neighbor yelling at it to shut up. Such sweet autumn music. Poor dog. It's a terrier and it spends all day long tied up outside and when it gets dark he goes in a crate in a garage.

Sweety is home! Gotta go look busy!

Two HNT Pics for the Price of One!

Happy Half Nekkid Thursday!

I'm a Dumbass

These were my eyebrows just 6 hours ago. There are a few straggly hairs in there but really not too horribly overgrown.


I dropped by the local nail salon and let a very nice Asian lady (reminds me of my mom) wax my eyebrows. Tidy them up a bit. "Not too skinny", I told her.

For the love of Pete! They are uneven! No more Asian hands will touch my eyebrows. I should have probably expected this since the lady doing it had her eyebrows shaven and penciled on. (and yes, I am aware that I am gawk-eyed)

If I die tonight, I don't want the last thing on here to be my fucked up eyebrows. Here is Chi Chi during her Glamour Shot session in the bedroom last night.

I Should Be Cleaning

Last Sunday, while on my way to work, Sweety called to let me know that Stinky Dog had an attack of explosive poop on the living room carpet. We think the leftover meatloaf that I gave her for the dinner the night before did it. I wondered why Sweety was calling to tell me. Part of me hoped that he would be so sickened by the mess and the prospect of cleaning it that he would tell me to quit my job so I could come home and clean up dog shit but he did not. Phooey. Shortly after Stinky used our carpet as a latrine, Sweety's dad and stepmother showed up. Whenever his dad is at our house he has things to say about how dogs are good for nothing and shouldn't be inside and he has to come over while the house smells like Stinky's large intestine. Isn't that about right? They didn't stay long because the boys weren't at our house the past weekend so they are coming back this weekend. I must get the house clean today but I just want to crawl in a hole somewhere and hide. I'm feeling very unmotivated. Less so than usual. I did some soul-searching this morning to see if I wanted out of my marriage because if I did, today would be the perfect day to leave. Before I have to clean the house. But other than the dusty, disorganized house - I'm pretty happy with my relationship so I guess I'll stay and clean my surroundings.

Heh, speaking of quitting my job - I scared the hell out of Sweety on Monday night. We were really slow at work towards the end of my shift, so they let some of us go home early. This is something that hardly ever happens. Before I came home, I went to the grocery store and picked up a few things. When I walked in the kitchen door, toting a plastic sack full of things, Sweety looked stricken. He asks why I'm home so early but I didn't say anything, just turned around and put the sack on the counter. He says, "Oh shit, you finally quit your job." I couldn't speak because the urge to laugh was so great. I gripped him in a bear hug and was laughing so hard that he thought I was crying. Crying I guess from the stress of worrying about how he was going to handle me quitting my job. This went on for a several minutes with him telling me that I needed to get my butt back in my car and get my job back because he wasn't ready to remortgage the house. I was laughing so hard that I was crying and gasping and every now and then I'd turn my head up so he could see my tear-streaked face and I'd say that I was sorry. I finally told him that I was just home early and the color returned to his face. Heh, heh. I like freaking him the fuck out every now and then. If I'd have thought about it, I'd have actually brought some of my stuff home from work and drug the ordeal out even longer for him.

You know, I used to think that it wasn't fair to not let smokers smoke in public but as I sat in my car behind someone who was busy flicking their ashes out the window, breathing in their exhalations, I changed my mind. (I should get an award for The Most Awkwardly Phrased Sentence Ever for that one.)

Saturday Night Gratuitous Photo Post

We like to recycle our dog food bags. Tiny licked the inside clean.

Parking Lot Fun

These are the remnants of acorns that I killed on my lunch break today. They make such a satisfying loud "Pop!" sound when you slowly roll over them with your car. If I have time left after I've eaten my lunch at work, I like to go do donuts while driving 2 m.p.h. (with the windows rolled down so I can hear the pops) in the back of the parking lot where all of the acorns fall.

Crisis Averted

It was decided tonight that Sweety will take the Little League team to an all-you-can-eat pizza place instead of H(.)(.)ters. I am glad. I don't like being around a bunch of people and if we are at an all-you-can-eat something or other, that means that I can keep my mouth full of food and off limits to conversation. Sweety treated the team at this place last year and I think I ate 18 pieces of pizza in 90 minutes. Someone walking to our table? Just cram some food in there and defer all talking to Sweety. I'd rather look like a piggy than have to make conversation.

A Lazy HNT

I am running low on creativity. I present to you a crappy, camera phone photo that was taken this summer. That orange thing in my ear is an ear plug. Everyone should wear ear plugs when they sleep. It is the best sleep ever.

Happy Half Nekkid Thursday!

*yawn*

I usually take showers instead of baths to save time but tonight I took one kick-ass bath. Sweety was kind enough to thoroughly clean the tub for me so I knew it was squeaky clean.

I had some lavender bath salts and dumped them in the tub and cranked on the jacuzzi jets. The bath salts had bits of twigs (lavender sticks, I guess) in it and that stuff was floating in the water. I felt like a big simmering tea bag. But it was so relaxing. I stayed in there and let the water pummel me until it was tepid.

Then I got out and smeared myself up with some body butter. I went from feeling like a tea bag to feeling like a piece of buttered toast.

Now I am smooth and soft and sleepy and smell like cake. Life is good.

Twitters & H00ters

See the new widget at the bottom of the sidebar? That's my Twitter. Random thoughts throughout the day will go there. Sometimes, I like to talk even if nobody is listening. You'll probably see a lot of bitching in that box. I will be able to Twitter from work when I am crying hiding in the bathroom.

I've noticed that I've been in a pretty good mood (except for hating my job and wanting to push people at work down stairs) the past few days but at the same time feeling exhausted. I figured it out this morning. I've been taking pills for my mood instead of my blood pressure pills for the past couple of weeks. I hadn't been taking my crazy pills for several months because I haven't been feeling out of sorts but I still keep it in the medicine cabinet. I take medication in the morning before I brush my teeth and while I've been all bleary-eyed and barely awake I've been popping the wrong bottle open and eating what was inside. But since I've noticed that I seem better with it (even though I thought that I was okay without it) I'll keep on taking it and also remember to take the BP pill too.

Guess where we are taking the Little League baseball team (and their parents) to celebrate the end of their season? H00ters. That is where the boys wanted to go. I'd rather dig my good eye out with a rusty spoon than to be at a place where the women are running around with their ass cheeks hanging out while a dozen boys who are in the throes of puberty ogle them. Actually, I'd rather to the eye-spoon-digging thing rather than have to go anywhere with a big group of people. One good thing is that the restaurant has a full liquor bar. I might just go get a drink and nurse it in a bathroom stall. This will be an interesting way to kill a Saturday lunch.

Hmmm, well now I'm at home and can see the the Twitter thing isn't updating when I send new things to it. Rats. Maybe there's a temporary glitch in the system.

The Addiction

It is 12:18 a.m. and what am I doing? Waiting for it to be 1 a.m. so I can see what kind of shirt is for sale at shirt.woot.com. This is such a sickness. I'm starting to think that heroin would be better for me. Sweety is snug in the bed and snoring like a chainsaw. (I laid in bed and counted to 250 after the snoring started to be sure that he was asleep.)

Tonight was our t.v. show night. We record Desperate Housewives and Weeds when they come on and watch them on Tuesday night since I'm off work.

While watching t.v. (and drinking copious amounts of wine out of a box) I bought things online. Candles. Dude, I love me some good smelling candles. I've always been a fan of Yankee Candles but getting some samples of handmade candles has converted me. I need to figure out how to make them myself. Along with handmade soap. Handmade soap does not dry me out like store bought soap does. Maybe I will start my own business and quit my day job that I loathe so much.

But probably not. Change scares me. I'm a planner when it comes to "big" things. Once the plan is set, if you are a part of it, I will ask you eleventy billion times what is it that we are doing. Because I'm forgetful. I'm also bad about saying something out loud and then repeating myself 45 seconds later. Like the first thing that came out of my mouth was just a rehearsal.

Guess what I figured out tonight? That Chi Chi is one picky motherfucking eater. The bitch didn't eat yesterday or all day today. I was freaking out, thinking that she was getting ready to die. We feed her wet food and it comes in a few different flavors. Up until now, she'd eat whatever was put in front of her. Since she was going on hour 47 with no nourishment I cracked open one of the other packages for her (since she was getting ready to die and all, I figured it was the least I could do for her) and she scarfed it down. Turns out that she is a fan of Simmered Beef Entree but not Lamb and Rice Stew. This discovery should lead to many, many, many more happy meals for her.

Geez, I wish the computer monitor wasn't so bright. If for some odd reason Sweety wakes up right now, I'm going to slam the computer shut and then army-crawl to the bathroom and pretend that I'm just coming out of there with a stomach ache. I wish the damn keys on the keyboard were quieter too.

1:02 a.m. The shirt doesn't suit me. Green makes me look ill. I can go to bed now. Thank goodness.

Make Up Your Own Title

I have promised BigBrother(12) that if he keeps his grades up that I will take him to Cedar Point next summer to ride roller coasters. I'd momentarily forgotten about it when this conversation with Sweety started.

So, you're thinking you'd like to get pregnant the beginning of next year?

Yeah. That way we'll get a tax deduction for 2008 and I'll get 12 paid weeks off of work!

Okay. I guess you'll stop eating birth control about Christmas then, huh?

Oh crap. I forgot! Me and BigBrother are going to Ohio in June. I can't be pregnant then. Wouldn't be able to ride any rides. I can't tell BB that I'm not taking him because I'm having a baby. That wouldn't be fair since we've been planning it since last summer. Let's plan on working on a baby after we go to Ohio.

Damn, woman. When you make a promise, you don't fuck around!

Nope.

So unless the urge to procreate totally goes away, that is our plan. Maybe I'll get a basket full of Chihuahuas instead.

The dogs have went and upset Sweety. He came home from work yesterday and found four piss puddles on our bathroom floor. The dogs were sleeping in their beds in our room and then going into the bathroom to relieve themselves. Because of this, they are no longer allowed to sleep in our bedroom. Do you know what this means? This means that at least once (or twice if I'm really lucky!) I have to get up in the night because the dogs are yapping (Chi Chi has turned into their ringleader. When she barks it sounds like a tiny duck quacking.) and want to go outside. I don't really think they need to potty because if they are sleeping in our room they will usually not want to be let out. I think they just want to get out of the bathroom for a bit.

It's finally cool enough at night that we can turn the air conditioner off and leave the windows open! I love it! There is something so enjoyable about being under a bunch of blankets that are so heavy that you can't move your legs and you're breathing in nice, cold air. Another bonus is that our neighbor has a little pond in his backyard and I can hear the water gurgling. The water gurgling drowns out the sound of Stinky dog licking her toes.

The Wombat Took a Peek at Me in My Tee Pee!

Wombats have been mentioned here a few times here before. I have never seen one in real life but they are my favorite animal. So small and bearish.

Cissy Strutt has a post up about them with lots of pictures. Did you know that wombats have distinctive cubic scats? The fact that they poo in squares just makes them more special.

I wish I had one. A wombat, not a bit of scat.

Agh.

I am reeeeeally hating my job here lately. I wish that I could be a total leech and quit my job and come home and tell Sweety that he was going to have to remortgage the house to pay off my bills. But I'm not. This damn conscience thing really gets in the way sometimes. Phooey.

I go through phases where a customer's angry stupidity gets on my last nerve and phases where it just rolls off my back. I hope this phase passes before I run screaming away from my desk and into oncoming traffic.

Growing Pains

Poor Sweety. Ever since he had the surgery to fix his busted discs, he has not been the same. Do you know how aggravating it is for all parties to exercise extreme caution every.single.time. they are having sex so someone doesn't hurt themselves? This morning, extreme caution was thrown to the wind and Sweety hasn't been able to sit up properly since. We weren't doing anything crazy like swinging from the ceiling fan but he managed to do something to hurt his neck. I hope he feels better tomorrow. No more pussy for him until the doctor gives him a clean bill of health.

We had a "first" this weekend. BigBrother(12) went somewhere with some friends and no parent was with them. The neighborgirls (ages 20, 18 and 16) were going to the fair and asked if him and LittleBrother(10) would like to go too. LB didn't want to (I think he was afraid that they'd want him to ride scary rides and he didn't want to do that.) so BB went alone. Sweety was kind of nervous because he's never been anywhere like that before but I told him that at some point we would have to let the boys leave the house without an adult and the neighborgirls are the best kids that I could think of that he could be out with. We took LB out to eat at a nice place and then went to the mall afterwards. It sure is quiet when you are toting around only one kid. Since his brother wasn't there to pick at him, LB had a chance to be a bit of a conversationalist. Regular conversation with him was much nicer than the constant stream of, "Owwww! Quit touching me!" that usually comes from the back seat.

Our Halloween

Here we have Freddy Krueger and some cracked out, killer clown. I found them to both be quite disturbing.


The coolest thing was that the nose glowed. We went to a carnival type thing and people were really noticing the boys' costumes. One person even asked BigBrother(12) if she could take a picture of his clowned up self. I told him that you were a friggin rockstar if you have people wanting to take pictures of your costume.

Ah! What's this? Two bees and a princess!


Tiny was so pissed off that she wouldn't even look at the camera.

We had a pretty good time Halloween night. The boys and I were able to hit 2 different city celebrations (though we couldn't trick-or-treat too much because they were so crowded) and our neighborhood. They have enough candy to see them through to the New Year.

Next year they'll be at their mother's house on Halloween and I figure that the next Halloween that they're at ours that they'll be too old for trick-or-treating. I told them that the next time they're here on Halloween that we will decorate our yard up and the walkway to the house and give people a fright as they come up for candy. The boys are completely on board with that plan and I'm looking forward to it too.

I Feel Pretty!

Check out the new look! I love it!

The talented and very patient Mia of The Blog Cafe totally hooked me up. She took my ideas (In case you don't know, I'm sort of wishy-washy and have a hard time making up my mind sometimes.) and made something that totally suits me! If you want to dress up your blog, give her a visit. They also do Wordpress Blogs.

And a "Thank you!" to my lovely friend Bec. She won a free template from The Blog Cafe and passed it on to me since she isn't blogging much.

The candy corn shirt in the last post was purchased from shirt.woot.com. They have a new shirt for sale every night at 1 a.m. EST and once it's sold out that's it! They have some really interesting shirts. This was the first one that I'd bought there because I just happened to be awake at 1 o'clock when they went on sale.

There are photos forthcoming of the boys' Halloween costumes but I have a Little League game to go to first!