Eskimos in Florida

Today we trekked to the Ice! exhibit. It was pretty neat. They had some slides that were made out of ice. If you lifted your feet up when you went down you could get up to a pretty good speed. I like ice slides better than the regular ones.

Going out in public every now and then reminds me of how much I like to stay at home. There was one family that went into the exhibit about the same time that we did and they kept holding up progress so they could take staged pictures. If it's you and 100 other people, it's not polite to expect everyone to get out of the way while you take a picture of your screeching spawn.

Oriental Oy

Don't hate me because I'm beautiful.

I'm Bored.

The boys are out of school for winter break so I've spent today amusing them. They went with me to tie up some Christmas shopping and then we met Sweety for lunch. We ate at some Greek cafe. Spinach pie - mmm, mmm good!

On a scale of 1 to 10, the sprogs have hit about a 13 today. I don't like lies. Even little lies. Even when you know that I know you're lying lies. If you see me seeing you pull a little knob off the thermostat in my car and I say "did you just pull that off?" and you say "no" while holding the loose knob in your hand it makes me want to pull the car over to the side of the road and make you get out and put your nose on the bumper for 10 minutes. Not that I will ever be brave enough to dole out that punishment but I did give it a second thought. Instead he got the death-ray stare and a warning to NEVER EVER lie to me about anything ever again. Because I will have no mercy if he does.

It's so nice to have Sweety home. The welcome home sex about made up for him being gone.

I can kiss any idea of a nifty palmOne Treo 650, goodbye. Sweety has looked into it and the cell phone bill would be almost as much as what we pay for both of our phones now. Rats. But I am holding out hope for a laptop. If I don't get one for Christmas I'll put it on my New Year's resolution list.

I just had a banana milkshake and it seems to be the gift that keeps on giving. I didn't know I could burp so much. I'd rather burp banana than Mxican food though.

What does it mean when your nipples itch? Mine have been driving me batty for the past 2 days. Maybe I need more lotion. I know itchy palms means you'll get money soon but I'm not sure what itchy nipples are a sign of. Probably scabies.

Stinky dog is in dire need of a bath. Her stinkiness has reached eye melting levels. Tiny dog smells just like her. Two peas in a rotten pod.

The clutter is calling to me and I better go run a bubble bath (fortified with bleach) for Stinky and Tiny.

A Christmas Card For You

Oh yeah, the canines think that I am the cat's pajamas. They were both absolutely tickled pink to pose for the above Christmas card that I built for this week's header.

It only took about 50 shots to get one that I liked. I thought it would be kind of obscene for Tiny dog's coochie to be screaming for attention in the photo so I chose one where she was covering herself modestly.

Merry Christmas, everyone!

This is the only card that I have sent so far.

Oh crap.

This is the ornament that I just fished out of Stinky dog's mouth. See that little broken bit on top? I don't know if it's slicing up her guts right now or if it was already broken. I thought about taking her to the animal hospital but she seems just fine. How long would I need to wait to be sure that she's not suffering any ill side effects? 3 days? This is more proof that Tiny dog is a bad influence on her. Stinky has never even sniffed at the tree before this year.

I met a friend for lunch and then we did a bit of shopping. We rode together in her car and that was a good thing because she gets to park in the handicap spots. My feet are killing me though from all the walking that we did. I guess I shouldn't complain about my feet though when my dog may be having her stomach lining sawed through by bits of broken glass.

Update: The animal hospital says that it will probably pass through her system. Whew.

TGI effing F!

I am so pleased that this day is over! Agh. I was hanging onto my seat at work by my fingernails.

Oh man, I have found my Christmas present: palmOne Treo 650. I will name him Philip. Sweety keeps asking me what I want and I was telling him "nothing" but he kept on asking so this type of thing is the only idea that I'm giving him. Or a laptop. A laptop would be nice. I could sit in the parking lot at work on my lunch break and look at porn. But I'm pretty sure I'd come all over myself if I got a sleek little Philip. Do you hear that Sweety? I'd probably come all over you too. While caressing the internet surfing, picture taking, music playing phone of course... Heh, I got a tiny erection just thinking about it.

Tiny dog is being a real pain in the ass. The last 2 nights she's been wandering around making a noise like a strangling kitten. I think she's hallucinating. And she stinks like Stinky dog's armpit. They both need baths in the worst way. I may do that tomorrow. But on second sniff, I kind of like her stinkiness in a sick sort of way.

I am such a crackhead. Sweety and I went to the petstore to buy dogfood the other day and I realized that in January, Tiny dog Oy will be one year old and won't need puppy food then but dog food. And that made me sad. My eyes may have even welled up a bit as I put my small sack of puppy food in the basket along with the bigger sack of dog food that she'll be eating later. How nutty is that? And she's getting little white eyebrows. My baby is growing up.

Last night when I was laying in that big ass bed all by myself all I could keep thinking was "what if something (something gargoylish) comes in to get me?" I finally put my earplugs in and had an internal conversation with myself where I decided if a monster was going to come slinking out of the closet for me it would be better to have some good sleep before being eaten alive.

I shall go retire now.

What to do....

Hmmm. Sweety left for his trip this morning and will be back on Sunday. And while it was nice to go check out HNT photos without any interruption - it stinks to be home alone.

Have you ever had to talk to someone who's voice was like salt sprinkled on your last nerve? Those people need to be debarked.

I'm sleepy but don't want to go to bed because I'll have to go to work when I wake up.

The printer is jammed and I'm just leaving it because I'd have to turn on the light to fix it. Didn't really need to print anything anyway.

Have I mentioned my distate for forwarded emails? Consider it mentioned.

Procrastination is my middle name. Our Christmas cards are still waiting patiently in the box for me to address and mail them. They boys' thank you notes from their birthdays 3 weeks ago need stamps. Tiny dog Oy even has a fucking thank you note that's been rattling around in my ride while waiting for a stamp. I usually mail out my Christmas cards too close to Christmas so everyone gets them afterwards. I think that helps the holiday last longer for everyone.

If it's the last thing I do, I will get all my shit mailed this Saturday that needs to go out.

I think Sweety took all my creativity with him. Crapola.

Happy HNT!

Today's HNT is sponsered by my piggies.



You probably can't tell, but a good 3 hours went into making them all sparkly like that.

Not An Easy Death

Now appearing: The slaughter of an egg.


Mr. Egg
(Note the freshly applied fingernails! Do not note the chewed cuticles. )



Bombs away!


Houston, we have a problem.
I'm not very good at multitasking. This is the first time such a problem has arisen.


"Victory is mine!" sayeth Mr. Spoon.

Zube Girl did a damn good job of putting a terrified look on an egg's face too.

And for any Tiny dog fans - here she is getting into more shit. The thing she's on is right behind me when I'm on the computer. I'm thinking of putting some Cheerios or something into those little square holes to give her something to do besides try and tear up other stuff in the house.

More on Manatees

Do you know what a manatee does when it's eating cabbage?
1. it holds the cabbage in its front appendages-- while seeming to smile at you
2. it sort of "stands up" under water and floats around
3. it eats the cabbage
4. it starts farting constantly underwater--while smiling at you
5. it continues to fart and smile a bit, then swims slowly outside again

This was taken from a comment made by the lovely, L, in the post below. I thought it was interesting and it reminded me of something that happened on yesterday's field trip.

We're all standing on a dock looking at the manatees. All the chaperones have spent 10 minutes making our charges understand if they make noise that the manatees will go away or not swim towards us. We see a big one swimming towards the dock and everyone is holding their breath just waiting to see how close it will get. It takes about 5 minutes for it to get to the dock (the whole time I'm waiting for some child to burst from the physical impossibility of keeping quiet one second longer). It gets close to the dock and lifts it's snout out of the water to breathe and then slowly dives under the dock. Just it's tail is left in view and it gives a little "wave" with it and 5 pounds of manatee shit comes swirling out. This ended the group silence. The funniest thing I heard screeched was "Oh look! He gave us a present!"

Something about the manatees freak me out. I think a horrible way to die would be smothered underneath one.

I am Chaperone! Hear me roar!

I'm so freaking happy to be home. Today I chaperoned in LB's(9) class when they went on a field trip to a winter resort for manatees. Manatees are some of the ugliest and most useless creatures alive. They were interesting to watch. There were at least 20 of them near the dock. I'd never seen that many in one place before. There's a place where you can swim with them. I may have to try that out. There were some people in the water; you're not allowed to touch the manatees but some of them were coming right up the swimmers and bumping into them.

The group of children that I had wasn't too bad. Everyone did get a little rambunctious. But I know that you can't yell "shut the fuck up!" to a bunch of third graders so I just retreated to the happy place inside my head when it all became overwhelming.

I love it when I turn on my printer and lots of pages start to spew out from a porn site. Sweety, I know you like to sit back here and yank it when I'm not available but could you keep your elbow off the "print screen" button?

There is a new love in my life. Her name is SuperTarget. Wallyworld can kiss my ass. I went in my very first one last night and I had 3 orgasms before I got to the bread section. It was all so clean and shiny. I was suffering from sensory overload. They had banana jelly! And Dirty Dancing (Ultimate Edition)! I had to buy it. One of my secret pleasures is how much I love that movie. I was going to hide it so Sweety couldn't poke fun at me for buying it but wasn't quick enough when I got home with it. This weekend when Sweety is gone I plan on watching it and eating something yummy. Haven't decided on the yummy eating part yet. Perhaps some banana jelly?

Holy fucking shit. You have got to be kidding me. I just heard a loud boom coming from the porch and find that the sprogs are smacking golf balls towards the house. When I told them to knock it off and hit them towards the woods they were all "but we'll lose our balls!". Well too damn bad. Geez, use your noggins you little heathens.

Chili for dinner tonight. I better go get it started so Sweety can see that I don't waste ALL of my time back here tapping on the keyboard.

Fun With Household Appliances

Awhile back I mentioned my fondness for kicking toadstools.

I have one more thing to add to my list of things that make me giggle like a maniac: Dropping eggs that are in the shell into the garbage disposal. There's an art to it. You have to have it centered just right before you release or you'll end up seeing raw egg in the sink. And I don't want to see that. I want to see that pristine, aerodynamic, unsuspecting little egg sailing through the air and then "shoop" into the gaping blackness of the disposal and then nothing. It's like it never even existed.

Beautiful.

MeMe & a Post! Wooooo hooooo!

Layman gave me cooties. And now I have a meme to do.

My Favorite Books (I limited this to the ones I have that I felt like taking a picture of)



Oddkins by Dean Koontz - Great story, great pictures. It's no longer in print; this is a first edition that I like to pet when I'm at home alone. Nobody else is allowed to touch it.

The Talisman by Stephen King - I love love love this book. I bet I've read it 20 times. This edition is a used first edition but in decent shape. I have a paperback that I read when I'm in the mood for it.

Running with Scissors by Augusten Burroughs - Just a good read. It's about the horribly dysfunctional childhood of the author. It's shockingly awful but he's written it funny as hell. This had been read a few times too.

Blood by Mark Ryden - This is a miniature exhibition book of some of his painting. I love his stuff. This is another one of those things that I like to pet when I'm alone.

Sweety and the boys are at a football game watching the Indianapolis Colts kick the Jacksonville Jaguars ass. I am glad. The Colts team is BB's favorite and going to see this game is part of their Christmas present. Sweety asked me if I wanted to go but since (a) I was supposed to be working today and (b) I don't give a rat's left nut about football - I declined. And I ended up staying home today to fight a cold. At least I have the house to myself.

Have you ever just been in a funk and not wanted to do ANYTHING? I've been in one for about the last 3 months. I pulled my fake nails off awhile back and have been enjoying nibbling on them, haven't painted my toes is forever and a day and I've been wearing a ponytail pretty much nonstop. Well, all that changed yesterday. Sweety's noticed that I haven't been as touchy feely with him as usual (that's because I'd rather gnaw on my fingers than use them to pet him) and yesterday he caught me nibbling on my nails and asked to see my hands. I refused to let him see. They were that bad. I mentioned to him that I was going to get my eyebrows done and when he realized that was the same place that puts on fake nails he gave me some money and told me to come home prettied up. He also said to have the place call him for more funds if he didn't send enough. (Isn't he sweet?)

And wow do my monkey-hands looks so much more civilized with fingernails on them. Before they looked like they belonged on someone in a third world country who was mining for diamonds with their bare hands and today they are nice and neat. While I was out I also got a haircut. And I came home and painted my toes a nice purpley-pink color with glitter on top, very festive. I wish I had a little oriental girl hidden in my closet that I could drag out to pretty me up so I wouldn't have to go anywhere.

I feel cuter today than I did yesterday.

The downside to having fingernails: without them I fed my stress by chewing on them and with them I can search for any tiny spot on my body that I think is unsmooth and try to pick it off. I should just tape my pretty hands to my ass so I can't maim myself.

Let me show you what that little turd, Tiny dog has been up to. Here she is acting all dignified, like she is so above eating god knows what while she hides under the couch. But we all know the truth.

I had to go to the store this morning to replace Sweety's stash of cashews. You just can't leave an open can of nuts in this house. They call to me. I must eat them to make the voices stop. I contemplated eating some of the new can and putting them in the pantry so he doesn't know that I polished off his old can but that seems counter productive to weight loss.

The EW was kind enough to not take the boys to see The Chronicles of Narnia. I am glad. She'd mentioned to Sweety that's what they were going to go see but the boys called him on the way to the movie and they were going to watch something else. Good goody. I can't wait to see it this Wednesday. I'm glad we got the first book (The Magician's Nephew) read so they kind of have some background on the world of Narnia.

Sweety is on his way home from the football game. I have about 2 hours to tidy up the pad.

Good Morning

It's too effing early to be up on Saturday. But here I sit. Sweety threatened to tickle me if I didn't get out of bed so that got my ass moving. I hate being tickled. It hurts. I like to laugh on my own terms not because someone is poking the hell out of my ribs.

Tiny dog damn near broke her neck last night. I'd opened the sliding glass doors to get to their food bowl and Sweety closed it. Tiny was still on the porch and she didn't know it was closed. You have to step up one step to get in the house from the porch and she does this stretched out like a gazelle leaping thing to jump steps. She was in the full-on jump and smacked right into the glass door. When I heard the crash I thought Sweety had just slammed it really hard. She sneezed a few times and shook her head but seems to be okay this morning. She is sniffing the doorway now before she walks through it.

My new dieting strategy is to not eat so damn much at work. We have a cafeteria and my usual diet lately has been fast food breakfast on my way to work, some kind of marinated vegetable salad at work on my 15 minute break and then fast food dinner on my lunch break and then lots of crap once I get home. The past 2 days (i know 2 days isn't a lot but it is an ETERNITY for someone with NO willpower) I've kept my car from turning in for a greasy breakfast on my way to work and I've had a cup of soup on my 15 minute break and not eaten a ton at lunch. My plan is to wean myself down to the just the soup and a little sandwich while I'm at work and no more fast food.

I burnt the shit out of my tongue with yesterday's soup. It hurt to talk on the phone all day and then when I was brushing my teeth I forgot that my tongue wasn't in the best of shape and brushed it rather vigorously. I saw stars for just a second after that.

Layman was kind enough to smack me with a meme but it's too early for me to do that. It's about books so it shouldn't require too much thinking. I'll get to it sometime after I've brushed the bird's nest out of my hair.

TGIF

I'd rather stick a needle in my bad eye than go to work today. Argh. It's kind of rainy and dark today. The perfect elements for sleeping in with two dogs. Maybe I'll get lucky and start vomiting uncontrollably all over the place at work and I'll get sent home. Too bad I don't have any syrup of ipecac.

Last night Sweety was home later than usual from bowling. He stayed afterwards to eat and drink beer. This really doesn't bother me but I guess he gave himself the guilties on the way home thinking about how he would feel if I was out having a good time without him. I really don't mind if he's out late on Thursdays. It gives me time to come home and be alone (dink on the computer!) for a couple of hours. If he were to announce on one of my days off, while we're sitting on the couch or something, that he was going to leave and go to the bar with his buddies I'd probably be pissed.

This reminds me of something that happened with my exhusband. He'd get falling down drunk when he'd go out and then call me to come get him. One night I was supremely pissed off and as soon as he got in the car he passed out. It was summertime in Texas but on the ride home I turned the heater on all the way and I spent 15 minutes in the driveway gassing my truck so it would go fast and then slamming on the brakes to watch him crash into the dashboard. I left the heater on for a few more minutes and then parked under the outside light and rolled the windows down a bit so the mosquitos could eat him. I suppose my marriage was pretty full of loathing at that point.

Well shit, I have to go.

Oh, Christmas Tree...

That "Oh, Christmas tree" song is on replay in my noggin today. I can't finish it because I don't know all the words and I keep having to interrupt my internal symphony to yell at the dogs to get the hell away from the tree. There's no tinsel on it and no ornaments low enough for Tiny to nibble on but they are very interested in the packages underneath. Luckily they are unable to be sneakily quiet so I can hear Stinky dog's big head hitting the packages when they get too close.

Sweety treated me to an orgy last night after the kids went to bed. An orgy of food. He said he knows my modus operandi in a relationship is to get comfy and fat and then get skinny and leave. So he's opted to do all he can to keep me well rounded. At 9:00 last night he cooked some kick ass shrimp with rice and some potato rolls with butter and garlic on them. And then some apple turnovers that made my thingy get wet to just smell them in the oven. It was all good stuff.

I think the EW may take the boys to see The Chronicles of Narnia this weekend. And that pisses my petty self off. I told her I read the first book out freaking loud to them as a kind of set up before we went and watched the movie. I'd already told the boys that we'd go see it next week and that Neighborgirl could come along. Maybe I'll get lucky and EW will die a horrible fiery death before this weekend and I'll take the boys to the show to get their mind off of it. She's probably planning on going with her new boyfriend and his kids. He better watch out - he doesn't know that I accidentally killed her last husband with my evil thoughtbeams.

I don't know what I'm going to do to amuse myself next week when Sweety is gone. I had planned on going to see a Christmas show but the place isn't doing it this year. Every year since I've been here this gay club does something around this time of year. But not this year. Probably because I wanted to go. Damn. I am going to maybe venture out and do something. It just seems kind of pathetic to wander around the house and pet the dogs. Then again, it seems kind of pathetic to go out alone. Maybe I'll just sleep the whole time he's gone. I do love sleep.

Speaking of doing things alone - yesterday I had lunch by myself and I had the worst restaurant service EVER. Sometimes, if I feel bad service looming I'll tell the waitperson that I normally tip well and could they just please come by the table every now and then. Maybe I should have told this lady that. I had a bowl of pinto beans and fried okra. To eat these things I must have tabasco sauce and ketchup. I got my food super fast but it got cold during the 20 minutes it took to get my condiments. I had to ask 3 effing times for the ketchup. The second time out she brought the tabasco and ran away before I could ask for the ketchup again then. After the third request, when she put it down she asked me if I'd asked for it before. When I told her yes she said she didn't hear me. Well, no shit. Glad to know you didn't hear me; I thought you just didn't like me and wanted to deprive me of processed tomatoes. About 45 seconds after squirting out my little dab of ketchup some other waitress walks by and asks if I'm done with it because the table behind me needed some. I told her to take it but I wanted to tell her that it took me so long to get the stuff that I'll like to just look at the bottle for awhile. My ticket was 7.50 and usually I leave at least 5.00 if I'm eating alone but she just got 2.00. I really considered leaving nothing because she left all my dirty dishes on the table and I was chewing on my glass before she'd refill it but I thought that would probably fulfill her idea that since I was a singleton she wasn't going to make any money off of me so I tipped anyway. Ha, I showed her. I will never dine alone again at this place.

Last night the dogs were oiled down with their flea medication and Tiny dog is too slick to nap in the bed with me today. I hope she doesn't whine too much about it. Maybe I'll give her some tequila and just tuck her into bed with Stinky.

Why are rabbits so quiet when they have sex?

Cotton balls.



Heh, heh, heh. I slay me.

I'm Still Here

BB's sleepover went well. All three boys came over. I could not believe how LOUD 4 eleven year olds were. I was freaking out when they started showing up (with everyone running around and acting like a nut) and I started to break out in hives. One xanax later, all was good in my world. Sweety was kind enough to take them all to a movie while I puttered around the mall. I looked at sparkly things; that always soothes me.

Why the heck is it that I cleaned the boys' bathroom on Saturday and it already smells like a wet sock in there? If I ever built a house I'd make the bathroom for the children an outdoor one.

I'm feeling kind of whiny about some stupid little things and I know they're stupid but I can't help it anyway. But if I can recognize when I'm being a whiny bitch, that's a good thing, right?

In other news: Stinky dog is constipated. I haven't seen her poop in 2 days. I may give her some prunes later. Or an enema.

Sweety and I did an experiment like the one Bekah did with her dog. And the results were the same. Tiny dog Oy went to Sweety instead of me both times. But when I started to cry she came over to me to lick my eyes. Self-serving little bitch.

Last night I went into the bathroom after I'd tucked the dogs in and this is what I saw...

See all those effing toys? Tiny dog isn't happy to just sleep with Stinky in her bed she wants to move all her furniture in too. I moved all the toys back to their spot so Stinky dog could stretch her legs out more if she felt like it.

And do you know what this is? It is the palm tree-like thing in my front yard after Sweety has shrouded it in a sheet and then put a lamp under there to keep it warm. I guess it got cold by Florida standards a few nights ago and this is how he babies the tree. It is the most ridiculous thing I've ever seen. I say just leave the tree alone and if it's tough it will survive. We were the only people on the block that had a nightlight on in the front yard for their tree. (and sweety makes fun of me for buying dog clothes!)

My head feels all juicy today. The Christmas tree is up and I have a sneaking suspicion that the smell of it may be the culprit. I've never had an allergy to the tree before though.

Something disturbing: Waking up from a wet dream and rolling over to see Tiny dog looking me right in the eye. You can't really go back to sleep and finish it properly after that.

The Fruits of My Labor

Today when I got to work there was an invitation in my mailbox telling me that I had a dinner this evening to go to since I'm such a good little worker. Yee haw. You all know how I looooove to be around a bunch of people, right? And how I loooooove eating in front of others? Fun fun!

I was a nervous as a cat in a room full of rocking chairs. And to make it really good, I missed my exit to the restaurant and a 10 minute journey took me 35. I couldn't fight my way out of a wet paper bag. I was in tears by the time I got to the damn place.

After dinner I had to go back to work to finish my shift. But it was only an hour so that wasn't too bad. I'd rather eat pasta in front of people than work so I'm not complaining about the 2.5 hour dinner.

Zube Girl (i think it was her) did a post awhile back grouching about her husband not answering his cell phone. That is one of my pet peeves also. I don't call Sweety to "check up" on him but to rather put my mind at ease and know that he's not laying dead in a ditch somewhere. Maybe I can buy him a beeper that shocks his ass whenever I call him...

He is still not answering his phone. I know he gets done bowling at 9:30 so he's had 1.5 hours to call me back. He's probably drinking beer at the bowling alley. Gee, this new schedule is working out great! It's so nice to see him when I get home from work!

I'm going to bed and if he wakes me up when he comes in I will pull all of his leg hair off.

Happy Half-Nekkid Thursday!

Here I am in the shower, lathering up my puffy-scrubby thing and not knowing that Sweety is playing photographer. That's my toothbrush there on the shelf by the front. I like to brush my teeth in the shower. It's fun to spit all over the place.



Maybe next week I'll post another photo that was born during this session.