Stupid Human Tricks

My fantastical niece, Sylvie(8) arrived yesterday and will be here for a week! Yaaay! I met my sister at a town about halfway between our houses to pick her up. Sylvie was hungry so we decided to get a bite to eat before we went home. The place that we were eating at is one that Sweety is kind of affiliated with and I decided to work on my people skills by saying hi to the manager of the place because I had met him once before. (so now he knows just who I am for the foolishness that follows)

We eat our food and then go to the bathroom to wash our hands before leaving. When we get back to our booth, I realize that my hands are kind of wet and it bugs me if it feels wet under my rings. So I take off my wedding rings to dry under them. And the wedding band goes sailing through the air and lands directly in the space between the wall and the bench that you sit on. I shit myself when I realized that the booths were stuck in place and could not be moved so I could just pluck out my ring.

Sylvie and I spend a bit of time (well, she spends a bit of time because she has little skinny hands and can reach in the crack between the seat and wall better than me.) digging stuff out of the crack but can't fish my ring out. I finally break down and ask the waitress if the booth can be moved back but it can't. (as I'd already figured out by trying to yank it away from the wall already.) The manager comes over and tries to get the ring or move the booth but he can't. Finally, some kid comes out from the kitchen with a wire-thingy and after about 15 minutes, fishes my ring out. I felt like such a dork. What are the freaking odds that the one time that I accidentally launch my ring off of my finger that it will fall into an abyss?

During the ride home I found out something about my sister that was a surprise. Sylvie says to me, "I need to ask you if something about my Mom is true. Since you're her sister, I thought you would know." Then Sylvie asks me if it is true that her mom drowned the possum that we were trying to keep as a pet when we were kids. I tell her no, that the baby possum drowned in his milk bowl by himself but Sylvie tells me that her mom told her that she stuck the possum's head in the milk. I am suddenly filled with fresh horror (much like the horror that consumed me when I found the possum face-down in the milk dish with a little milk air bubble coming out of his nose.) and I call my sister to ask her about this.

Sure enough, she played a part in his death. She planted his face in the milk bowl before we went to school because she thought it would help him eat but things didn't work out that way because the possum was too small to get his head out of the milk dish. (With hindsight being 20/20, we probably should have been feeding the possum with a little bottle.) I can't believe that for the past 20 years I have thought that the possum committed suicide because it was so upset about being in captivity but it was really my sister's handiwork.

I told Sylvie about seeing the milk air bubble stuck to the possum's nose and she exclaimed, "Hey! You got to see its last breath!". I'd never thought of it that way but yeah, I guess so.

The Great Wall of Stinky Dog

I have stuff to talk about but I have a fucking horrid sinus headache. The kind where it feels like a part of your skull is going to blow out when you cough. We are passing The Sickness around at Casa de Chickie.

Too Sleepy For A Title

I am so freaking ready for this week to be over! My niece is going to be here on Saturday and will spend the week. I can't wait to hang out with her. The boys will be here for a few days when she is here so we'll all go do things but just us girls will have a day or two to do something. Can't-wait-can't-wait-can't-wait!

Work is such a crock of shit. Meh. I had myself all talked into calling in sick tomorrow but I know I must go to work. This is partially due to the fact that some of the bosses that were supposed to be gone til the end of the year showed their faces tonight and I overheard some people gossiping about some things that our new harpy manager had said. It is a good idea to not put a target on my back just yet by not being at work. Attendance has turned into a really big issue at work. I may start wearing diapers so I can piss at my desk and not have any time off of the phone. Because that is how dedicated I am to providing good customer service. Always gotta be there for the next screaming customer.

I have been having some seriously fucked up dreams and blogger folk have been appearing in them. The Phosgene Kid was a ghost two nights ago (and he was a really good cook but he couldn't eat since he was a ghost. more for me!) and last night, Bekah and her flying car were helping me catch vampiric monsters that hid in lakes. I really need to get another hobby besides this blog.

Holy shit, batman. My generic sleeping pill and swig of cold medicine are kicking in. What an interesting feeling.

Guess what we have? A mild flea infestation. I saw a couple on Tiny last night and found bits of flea dirt on her. I figure that's why Stinky's been itching so much lately. I'm afraid they infiltrated the house by way of Stinky dog's day at the hairdresser's a couple of weeks ago. Everyone has been doused with fresh batches of flea killer and all bedding has been washed. Sweety will spray the yard for pests and hopefully that will be the end of the little fuckers.

Better Late Than Never...

Today's Half Nekkid Thursday assignment was to pick my favorite HNT photo of 2007.

It would have to be this set of photos.

It cracks me up to see the hounds' feet under the coffee table! I laugh every time I see these photos.





Happy HNT!

This one was a close second. I like the sparkly water.

Real Quick

The plastic tub that you buy your turkey breast in? Don't try and heat the turkey in it. It is not oven-proof. Also, do not cook biscuits from a can on a pizza pan that has holes in the bottom because all of the other pans are occupied. There is a pile of something in the bottom of the oven now that looks like it used to be a small mammal. Don't worry - all dogs are present and accounted for.

I worked today so I could be off this Sunday. This means I will work 3 days in a row this week. I hope I don't run away screaming before the end of Friday's shift.

Stinky dog was watching intently as I trimmed my toenails down and accidentally clipped one to the quick and it started to bleed. I realize that in a roundabout way, she has learned her bad habit of eating on her feet until they bleed from me. Hey, I have this horrible pimple/cigarette burn/tumor/twin and I rubbed some of her medicine on it today to see if it would help. It did. I guess Stinky and I have a mutually beneficial relationship because the medicine is for her bleeding feet.

Oh! Let me tell you what I got for Christmas! They boys wrote me some really sweet letters. Thanking me for different things and saying they loved me and whatnot. Almost made me cry.

At the elementary school, they do this thing called "Santa's Secret Shop". It's where kids can go and get little gifts for people. The Secret Shop gift is always my favorite one to open because I know that the kid picked it out all by himself. This was my last year for a gift from there because this is LittleBrother's(11) last year in elementary school and he got me this nifty little plaque that is a nice little "ode to Mom". That got me all teary-eyed too. I am such a wuss.

Sweety and I had said the chair would be our gift to each other and that we would not buy any gifts for one another. Sweety did not abide by this rule. We had opened all of our gifts (I thought) and I was in the kitchen getting ready to cook, when Sweety told me that the boys had a present for me. Uh-huh. I got a ring that I've been wanting for awhile. (ignore the jacked-up looking pinky and the wrinkly fingers. why are my fingers so damn wrinkly? they need a lift or something.) The stone is the boys' birthstone. I was quite surprised. I hadn't even snooped under the tree for a present for me because one wasn't supposed to be there.

I think Chi Chi needs an enema. She has been sitting on my lap for a couple of hours and has passed noxious, eye-watering gas at least 4 times. Something must be rotten in her. Or maybe it was the people food that she ate yesterday? I forgot about that.

Time for a bath and bed.

From All Of Us

If you don't see the video above - click here.

Tiny Dog Rants

I know that's it's Christmas and everybody is all happy around me but I have shit to say and some of it is not pleasant. Go elsewhere if you are looking for sugar plum fairies and gingerbread houses.

Neglected. Bipeds, I'm being neglected. This being known as Chi Chi is seriously cutting into my Mama-time.

The grouchy bitch hogs Mama's lap. She growls at me when I try to sit beside her. I know she doesn't have any teeth but I am still afraid of her. She's like a witch. I'd be her friend but she is so.fucking.mean. Hurts my feelings.

I can't help it if she is tiny and cute. I am tiny and cute too! It's just that my 6 pound ass next to her 2 pound one makes me look like Godzilla. I can't help it that I am big-boned.

Look at my fur, Mama! My full, lustrous, shiny, begging-to-be-petted fur! Chi Chi doesn't have fur like mine! Sure, hers is soft but it's patchy and thin. It's because she is sooooo old! I'm gonna be around a loooooong time after she is gone and I will not forget how you treated me.

I know that during the day while you touch the computer that I sit on your lap and you pet my ears for hours on end. But what about the couple of hours at night when you and Papa are watching t.v.? Then you let that little bitch sit on your lap and I have to perch on your shoulder. You actually get Chi Chi out of her bed to put her in your lap! What the hell? Just let her stay in bed and put meeeee on your lap.

You think that I don't know that you sneak her up on the bed Saturday mornings to molest her? (your doggy love makes me sick. unless I am the recipient!) I know. Oh yes, I know. I know that you let me sleep in the bed with you every weekday morning but that's just not enough. How dare you give that little bitch 15 minutes on Saturday mornings without me on the bed too? Damn you both.

Oh great. I have to end this post because Mama is leaving the house to go shopping. You know what this means? Stinky and me and Chi Chi will be confined to Mama's bedroom and bathroom. Sometimes she turns the bathroom fan on so we have white noise. She thinks if Stinky can't hear anything going on outside that she won't bark and bother the neighbor. She is so wrong. That fan running all the damn time is horrid. It's like we're prisoners of war and she is trying to disorient us. I make Stinky bark when it is on just to break the monotonous drone of the fan.

I think the holidays are stressing me out. I hope Mama brings me some treats to soothe me.

If I'd Have Made Our Christmas Cards...

Here it is in color.

It would've been a toss-up between these two. I love Stinky's elf ears!

Thank you, Amy, for giving me the fine idea for the caption for photo #2. Damn, I just used a lot of "fors".

All About the Chi-Chister

You know what is really neat about Chi Chi? (or Cheech, as I sometimes call her) She doesn't really have any odor. I wash her with my soap (smells like flowers and whatnot) and can huff her for about 2 weeks before that smell goes away. When the flower pretty smell leaves, she smells kind of like ripe pee but it isn't a smell that I find offensive. Maybe that is just my love of the dog. You must sniff her if you ever meet us. You will love it. Really.

I think when it's her time to be freeze-dried, I will ask if they can leave her tongue poking out. It might be too brittle though. I know how I am and I'd want to touch it and I'm afraid that it would break off. But if it breaks off - it would just look like it was curled up in her mouth, wouldn't it? Oh my. I just caught myself wondering what freeze-dried dog tongue would taste like. You know that if I broke it off that I would feel compelled to eat it. I don't know if I would. If I did, that would be one thing that I would not share with the internet. Too weird. Heh, now if you ever see a photo of freeze-dried Chi Chi and her tongue isn't hanging out, you'll wonder if I ate it.

She gets breakfast in bed when it's chilly. She won't stand on the floor to eat if it is cold. If you live this long then you deserve to have your food bowl where ever the hell you want. And I like pleasing her.


See that food she's eating? I've got her off of food that you have to buy wet and onto dry food that has been mixed with water. Tiny and her eat the same food now so that makes buying it a bit easier. I figure it's good for her to chew anyway. Good exercise.

A Byproduct of Gin & Juice

A couple of years ago, I bought some new dishes. Sweety and I didn't have a matched set so I got these. My mistake was in only purchasing enough for 4 people. When I got them, I thought I'd go back in a a few days and pick up another set. But they were sold out when I went back. I've spent the past 2 years haunting the kitchen aisle of Target, hoping to find another box but never had any luck. Yesterday we went and got enough dishes for eight. Ha ha! Cloth napkins! I've turned into a fluffhead that keeps the table set with cloth napkins! I love walking by the dining room table now.

PeteTheFish is enjoying the new view too. The only bad thing is that Pete doesn't match the black/red/white color scheme as he is purple. When he dies, his replacement will be red. He's already a year and a half old so it shouldn't be much longer. Geez, did I say that? How callous. I love you Pete 7! I see that Pete 6 would have fit in perfectly on the new table.

I didn't get around to putting my tree up for HNT on Thursday so here it is now.


Before there were presents under it, Stinky liked to lay and tan under the blinding lights. I'm pretty sure I saw her sweating a couple of times.

We spent a large chunk of the day reclaiming our cabinet and drawer space. Went through all of them in the kitchen and bathroom and threw shit out. It's nice to open a drawer up and actually see what I'm looking for instead of madly pawing through all of them twice.

After the beginning of the year, our bonus system at work is being revised. This will result in tiny (if any) bonuses. Say you've been getting 700 a month - you'll be lucky to get 200 and that will be quickly eaten up by taxes. Have you ever had someone set the bar so high that it is imfuckingpossible to reach? That is where my comrades and I are sitting. It is kind of liberating. We know that there is no way to hit the brass ring to why bother trying? We're ready to just sit around and enjoy being the hourly peons that we are.

One of the first things that our new supervisor did was delegate all of her shitwork amongst us. Luckily, I missed that meeting because I would have freaked out. As far as I'm concerned, I'm there to answer the damn phone and that is all. She said that she was giving out these tasks because it would help people advance in the company. Yah. Whatever. Maybe it's because you'd rather not do these things.

God help me if anyone I work with ever finds this blog. We have a blog policy at work. We are supposed to have a disclaimer that states, "I do not express the views of Blah-Blah company." and we're not supposed to say anything negative about coworkers. I figure as long as I don't call anyone a cunt or a fucking waterhead that I'm safe.

Oh! Guess what I found while cleaning the drawers today? Some prescription calm-my-ass-down pills that I didn't know I still had. They should make my next week of work bearable.

Check out BigBrother(13)...


Do you know what size his damn shoes are? Eleven. I almost choked when we went shopping and that was what he needed. I think we should have him start smoking cigarettes and drinking coffee to stunt his growth or we will go broke feeding him and having elves make his shoes in size Freaking Huge.

BB has really embraced the whole FFA thing. He is getting a goat next year to show. Unfortunately, we cannot keep it here. It will live at the school's barn.

Die Hard is on and Sweety knows every.freaking.word. That is very weird to me. I've never seen it and he is telling me what will happen before it happens.

Wow. Not only can Sweety recite this movie word for word, he can also hop around and mimic the action before it happens on the screen. I am duly impressed. Hey! When this movie was made the price of gas was 75 cents a gallon! I wish I had a video camera that could take sneaky pictures in the low light. You would love this shit. He's like an orangutan on acid. Hey, Sweety! I love you!

I need to go to bed but I don't want to because I'll have to go to work when I wake up.

You deserve a medal if you've read this damn far.

Hi-yah! I wish I knew karate because I've got a really good "Hi-yah!" yell.

I'm gonna go do something productive like bathe.

Sweety says, "Hi to the internet!".

I Am a Posting Fool!

The coaew called Sweety and apologized for saying shit about me. She told him that she couldn't have hand-picked anyone better than me to be her kids' stepmom and that when she's angry she says things that she doesn't mean. Gee, thanks. Now I feel all warm and snuggly inside. *insert eyeroll here* Sweety told her that he didn't appreciate her bringing me or my lack of childbearing up whenever she gets mad. He told her that as far as me not having any maternal instincts, I had them but we were waiting til the boys were older and didn't need so much attention. He also told her that just because someone has a uterus doesn't mean that they have to use it and that there are things out there that will prevent pregnancy. She brought up that she wanted them go back to court and to change their original custody arrangement because she feels like Sweety holds it over her head and will enforce it if he gets mad. He pointed out to her that he as not once mentioned the original agreement and that she is always the one bringing up going to court. She did admit that when the boys are at her house that they have to fight for attention amongst the seven kids. She's aware of the things that she needs to do to help the boys in school and we will see how it goes. Okay, I'm not going to clutter up my lovely blog about her any more.

We've decided on our end that the boys' t.v. time is going to be monitored to 90 minutes a day (which is still a long time, I know) and when BigBrother(13) doesn't have math homework, we're going to have him do problems out of his math book anyway. And LittleBrother(11) will be receiving a nice, shiny, new workbook to help with reading comprehension. I can't wait for the boys to hear the new rules! They'll probably be really excited about them! You feel the sarcasm, right?

Speaking of golfing in my previous post made me realize that I really need to get another golf club. Sweety had an old set and I used some of the clubs to whack toadstools and mushrooms but he threw them away when cleaning the garage. I'm going to look at clubs today. I need one good one. I think that I will expand my whacking of things to include hard-boiled eggs (since suitable fungi isn't always in season). There is a big clearing and retention pond behind our house and it would be perfect to smack eggs into.

Stinky dog had a fantastic bath a week ago and she still doesn't stink like she normally would a week after a bath. She is attempting to eat her own feet though so I'm having to keep her doctored up. I'm trying to keep from having to put a cone around her head because she hates is so much. I'll smear antibacterial ointment on her feet in a thick layer and then spray that with stuff that tastes nasty so she won't lick it off. Seems to be working.

Why Can't I Find A Sack Of Drug Money?

I have a new supervisor. The bad thing about getting a new one is that you have to get used to someone new grading your calls. She wants us to be Chatty Cathies on the phones and connect with the customer. If someone mentions shopping, then I should say something about what a busy time of year it is or some shit. I'm not good at that. Have you ever spoken with someone and one of their lips kind of curls out? (Think Elvis but the bottom left side of the lip instead of the top.) All I could do was look at her glittery lipstick (why on earth would you draw attention so such a lip?) whenever she was over enunciating things that she felt were important because that's when the lip tries to jump off of her face. She's worked at the bank for a very short time and has never done customer service there on the phones. I've been there 6 and she was telling me shit that I already knew and I had to sit there and bob my head up and down like a sheep and pretend that she had just invented the wheel.

We got our holiday gifts at work. One of our partners is a theme park. I get a little envelope and think, "cool, theme park tickets." But no. There are 4 tickets in there to golf courses and they expire at the end of the year. And you can't combine the tickets and use them all at once to take your whole family golfing. And I don't own any motherfucking golf clubs anyway. (I used to have a driver that I'd smack toadstools with but it ran away. I need to get a new one before toadstool season.) I know you shouldn't look a gift horse in the mouth but really, who the hell is going to be able to use these things in the next 3 weeks? The golf courses that they are to are ones that are usually booked up well in advance. Bah-humbug.

I had the weirdest dream last night. I was at my Mom's house and Old, Old Lady of the Hills lived in the house next door. (I have a lot of dreams where I'm at my childhood home.) It was late at night and she couldn't sleep so my sister and I went over to keep her company. When she fell asleep, I snooped through all of the books on her shelves and then put her records away. The odd thing was, I put the records in the freezer. I had another dream awhile back and in that dream a guy lived in the house next to my Mom's and he was Sara Sue and Cissy Strutt. And I think he could fly. Or maybe it was me that was flying. I don't remember. I also dreamt (on a different night) that Cissy was my housekeeper and she lived in the pantry. You see how half of her face is hidden in her profile photo? In my dream she was peeking around the corner of the pantry so I could only see that same portion of her face.

And when I'm not having weird dreams, I'm sucking my thumb to keep myself from clenching my teeth as I sleep.

STFU

Sweety called the cuntofanexwife this morning. The boys' grades have fallen this year and the only thing that is being done differently this year as opposed to the past 6 is that they are at her house every other Monday now. And with where she is living, they are both having to wake up at 6 in the morning instead of 7 and 8. LittleBrother has to be at school by 7:30 and BigBrother by 8:45. So Sweety suggested to her that the boys could come back to being here on Mondays but in the summer go to her house. She went apeshit and turned the conversation from the topic at hand (the boys' grades) to a wide variety of things. Apparently, I need to have a child because then I could get some maternal instincts. How about you shut your fucking piehole and quit worrying about my uterus?

What a dumbass. I have tried really hard the past few weeks to keep my lips zipped about her and not think bad thoughts, but it is hard.

From Death to Scat Porn to Bathing

Why must I have the urge to eat uncontrollably and spend money when I'm stressed? Why the hell can't I have the urge to exercise til my feet fall off and clean the house? Aw shit. Speaking of money, I just took a look at my paycheck. The day and a half that I didn't go to work last month will catch up with me on Friday's check. Fuckarooney.

Patti_Cake's little dog, Holly, died. I read that this morning and bawled my eyes out. It reminds me of how old Chi Chi is. (Like her rheumy eyes and wrinkly skin aren't reminders enough. You ever seen someone with half their face paralyzed? That's what she looks like when she wakes up. The half of her head that was on the ground is all smushed up til gravity pulls it back into place.)

We went to our friends house this weekend and the small dogs got to sleep in the bed with me. It only took that one night to turn Tiny dog into a tyrant at bed time. Last night and this morning she was going bonkers because she wanted in the bed. I will consider myself truly successful if I can ever talk Sweety into letting her sleep with us.

I drank moonshine for the first time this weekend. It was a different kind of experience. Next time I have some, I'm going to drink just that instead of other stuff first. Slept like a dead rock that night.

Oh! I also saw the sickest thing ever on the internet. It involves two girls and a glass full of shit. I've seen a lot of stuff online but nothing has ever made me gag uncontrollably. I don't remember what we were looking for online when we stumbled across it. Here's the link. This is absolutely not safe for work. I'm sorry that I watched it because I can't get it out of my head. If you watch it, you'll be sorry also.

I've turned into bath junkie. I used to hardly ever take baths because they took up so much time but I've started doing that on Tuesday or Wednesday nights. It's nice to hide in the bath for a couple of hours and let the little tub jets pummel me. A couple of weeks ago, this online place was having a sale and I bought a ton of bath bomb fizzy things. I have so many that I can't decide which one to use tonight. I think I'll just stick my hand in the box and draw one out lottery-style.

Something else I've discovered? Shea butter creme. (the Passion scent is good enough to eat!) It's the consistency of butter but it melts when you rub it in your hands. I can lube up with that stuff after my shower and not need to lotion up again til the next night. It's kind of greasy going on but it soaks right in. I got some of that a few weeks ago too when they were having a big sale. I bought four tubs of it because I thought I'd give some as gifts but I can hardly bear to part with them. I'm afraid that I'll give it to someone and they'll hate it but not tell me to be nice and then it will languish in their closet and never be used. I gave some to my friend this weekend and told her that if she used it and didn't like it that it would be just fine to give it back to me. Does that make me an Indian (feather-not-dot) giver? I don't think so. I'll probably keep the other three jars for myself so I won't worry about their fate.

I'm normally not one that gives a damn how my gifts are used (if I give you a book, I'm not going to wart you to death, asking if you've read it yet) but I love this stuff so much and I want everyone else to love it too. Or give it back to me. :) Heh, I'm horrible.

Sheesh, could I say "I" anymore? But I guess this is what this damn blog is about.

Happy Cinco Diciembre!

Stinky went to the groomer's today and came back a brand new dog! She smells great and her teeth have been brushed. The first thing I did upon picking her up was sniff her mouth and it was like peppermint. While she was gone, Tiny was a nervous wreck. Poor thing. She finally lit a bunch of candles in the bathroom around Stinky's food bowl and laid in Stinky's bed and cried while she waited for her buddy to return. I don't know what will happen if Stinky kicks the bucket before she does. When it's Stinky's time to go to dog heaven, I hope she has a heart attack, falls on Tiny and smothers her. That way Tiny won't have to deal with the grief.

Our Christmas present came today! A massage chair! We've been looking at them for a couple of years and said to heck with it and went ahead and got one. They do a payment plan over 3 years with no interest. On every gift-giving occasion til it's paid off, we'll sit in the chair and tell each other, "Happy Valentine's Day" or "Happy Birthday" or "Merry Christmas". It is fanfuckingtastic! I laid back in it for 2 massages this morning and then passed out. It was like masturbation without the mess.

Chi Chi is not happy with the chair's arrival though. We had to move some furniture around to get it into our room and in the process ended up moving her bed. The whole time that I was in the chair, she was stomping around it and giving me the hair eyeball. She'll get over it. The chair has places for your hands (it looks kind of like a blood pressure cuff and it inflates and something in there massages you) and for a moment, I wondered what she'd do if I crammed her in there. She'd fit. But I'll never do that. I know it would be most unkind. I'm going to give her a nice little massage tonight (by hand) after she's bathed to make up for my mean thought.

BigBrother(13) just finished up with a science project (thinking about it makes my eye twitch) and has one due January 28 for social studies. The thought of it makes me want to cry. Are all 13 year old boys thick-headed or is it just mine? Most of my time is spent making sure that he knows what the fuck it is that the project is about and then helping him get it all tidy on the presentation board. It doesn't sound like a lot of work but it is. I'm pretty sure that all of my grey hairs have sprouted during school projects. Sheesh, my scalp is itching just thinking about it. I've tried to talk Sweety into letting BB do this project at his mother's house but Sweety won't hear of it because he knows it would look like shit. I think the kid needs to do at least one project over there and have it be craptastic with a bad grade so he can fully appreciate all of the effort that we bleed into projects at our house.

Whoa.

Check out this guy (there are some pretty grody pictures there). He has a huge tumor on his face but hasn't had it removed because his religion forbids blood transfusions.

Now, after looking at those photos, I've got two questions for you.

Don't you suppose that thing stinks? Surely he can't clean all of those little crevices.

I wonder what it would smell like if you fried it?

You can thank Bekah for bringing this to my attention to share with you.

Am I Alone in My Constant Quest for Blog-Fodder?

Hey, I'm on my way home. What are you doing?

Can't talk right now. I'm suffering.

Um, okay. Will you be alright?

Yes. Gotta go. Bye.

The whole way home I'm thinking that I'll be able to spin whatever Sweety has done to himself into a nice, fat blog post. He must have been doing something that he shouldn't have been to hurt himself and that's why he didn't want to tell me over the phone.

I go into the living room and he's all laid back on the couch. I'm looking for a bandage or ice pack or something but all I see is a wine cooler (yeah, that's how we roll) in his hand.

So what happened?! (in my mind I've already decided that I'll type up the whole story, highlighting Sweety's anguish, while he's in the shower so he won't know that I'm talking about him)

Huh?

What happened to you today? Do you need to go to the doctor?

What the hell are you talking about?

On the way home, you said you couldn't talk to me because you were suffering. I figure you must have really been hurting and needed to get off the phone to patch yourself up.

No, you dumbass. I said I was swiffering. I was mopping where your filthy dogs live.

Son of a bitch. I don't have anything interesting to tell you except that my socks don't stick to the floor anymore.

A Cheese House Visit

Is anybody out there familiar with welfare cheese? (It is possibly the tastiest cheese in the world.) When I was a kid, my family got free food from the government. I now call getting free food or getting a good deal on anything, "going to the cheese house".

I take my dogs to the cheese house for their inoculations because it is a freaking arm and a leg to take them to the vet for their yearly shots. It costs approximately a quarter of that amount to take them to a vet clinic (cheese house). That's when a veterinarian sets up shop somewhere (usually outside of a pet grooming place) and you can get the shots for your pets without getting slammed for an entire vet visit. (And before anyone bitches, if my dogs are sick, I take them to the vet. I'm not that much of a cheapskate.)

The last time I was at the vet's my ire was raised. I told him that Stinky didn't need to have her damn nails trimmed because I had just done it the night before but he insisted on pulling out nail clippers and scraping off a minuscule amount of dog nail and then charging me $10 for it. Grrr.

Stinky and Tiny went to the cheese house today and now they are feeling punky from getting their shots. They are some sleeping, slam-eyed fools.

Gag Me With A Spoon

What is the perfect ending to an afternoon spent power shopping?

I come home to find one of my much anticipated comic books!

And the mother fucking envelope is empty! It appears that some buttmunch stole my fucking mail. I'm thinking of mailing some sort of explosive device to myself to see if the asshole tries to open that up too. To put it mildly, this pissed me off.

When I get in the house, Sweety tells me that there is a surprise for me in the bathroom. Maybe he has drawn a hot bath for me? No. Can we say "explosive doggy diarrhea"? Holy crap batman. I have never seen such. Gagged my guts out cleaning it up. I was surprised that the shit wasn't on the walls. Stinky dog has had a couple of instances of upset stomach over the last month or so. I'm cutting her off of people food and have given her new dog food. (Of course, the dog food that I picked out is one that the pet store doesn't carry very often. Didn't figure that out til it was already paid for. But if it helps keep her from scratching and shedding so damn much then I'll order the stuff online.) I hope she appreciates it.

After cleaning up the shitstorm, I went for a pedicure to soothe my traumatized self. It helped. I think I'll go to the drive-thru liquor store now for some additional items to aid in easing my aggravation.

I'll be back later for some blog cruising.

Added on Tuesday 12/4/7 3:03 p.m.
The comic book store is sending me a replacement! They said they'll tape this one good and shut! Yay! My faith in humanity has been restored!