Blech.

After eating my cereal this morning I thought I'd be nice and give Stinky dog a treat of some leftover milk.

I've just found out that she is lactose intolerant.

About 45 seconds after eating the teensy bit of milk she barfed in 3 places on the floor. All of the dog food she'd just eaten was in there.

It was hard to clean up because I was retching so hard that my eyes were closing.

Thank goodness for the carpet cleaner.

Just Bitching

It seems the boys' had a fantastic time at their stupid effing mother's this weekend! They got to have a 2 day "slumber party" with her new boyfriend and his 2 children. BB(11) said that the other kids (9 & 7) didn't have any discipline and it wasn't the best time.

The EW tells me how guilty she feels that she doesn't spend enough time with the boys and on the weekend they're over there she has her new man come over? I don't see why she can't do that on maybe the other fucking half of the week when she doesn't have the boys. This guy's not even divorced yet. I hope his wife kicks the EW's ass. Hmm, maybe when I see her at the school today picking up her kids I could poke the hornet's nest. Probably not though.

The boys were rather unexcited to be going to their mom's this weekend because they knew that they were going to a car show with her and whatshisname. I can only imagine their glee when they found out they'd be getting to sleep on the floor with his two children. LB(9) had a confrontation with his youngest son(7) because the kid kept grabbing things out of his hand.

As much of a shock it was for the boys I wonder what his 2 kids think about the whole thing. I mean, here they are - used to being the only 2 kids in the house and they're dealing with their parents getting divorced and now they get to go to a house where 4 other kids live.

I'm back to wanting to scrub the EW's face off on the sidewalk.

I knew they must have had a crappy weekend because when I got home last night BB(11) was quizzing me about my day at work and weekend. They usually do that when they've had a sucky time and want to talk about it.

Bah.

Sweety and I were at odds over how to discipline Tiny dog last night. And this made Sweety start thinking about how much we have in common. (that would be NOTHING) Geez man, we're getting along just fine. Let's not make a problem where there isn't one.

I'm just feeling way too grouchy this morning.

Yadda Yadda Yadda

That Tiny dog effing whore just ate on my baked potato. It's a good thing she's small enough to fit under the couch and I'm too lazy to move it. The only way I figured out that she'd been on my desk was that in her haste to run away she left a trail of baked potato from my desktop to the floor. Ack. I don't love her enough to eat after her. I was full anyway.

Wendy's and Airtran have a promotion going on where on the back of the drink cups there are coupons that you can redeem for flights with Airtran. It takes 64 coupons for a round trip ticket. We figured we'll save over 800.00 if we take advantage of this promo. We've been some soda buying fools for the last couple of days. You can only get 5 drinks at a time so Sweety's been hitting the drive-thru multiple times a day. I think he's been there 4 times today. On my days off I am to collect as many as possible. I'm almost tempted to pick other people's used cups out of the trash but I have too much pride for that for now.

This weekend is when we are celebrating BB & LB's birthdays. BB(11) has invited 3 friends over and LB(9) has invited one. We should know tomorrow who is coming. It will be a sleepover. I will probably be bald by the time Sunday morning gets here. A small part of me would be so relieved if nobody could come and then that way I wouldn't have to deal with the small group of preteenaged boys. Sweety said he'd manage the party if I wanted to go pick used drink cups out of the Wendy's trash bins; we shall see.

I just saw that this is my 402nd post. I've been doing this blog thing for about 11 months. So obviously, I have days where I'm avoiding doing a damn thing and post more than once instead. Lucky you all.

WWJD or Who Wants Jack Daniels?

After work last night we viewed Saw II. It was alright. I like everything in a movie to work out the way I want it to in the end and it didn't happen in this one. Afterwards we went to a little bar where they do karaoke on Friday nights. We don't sing but we do like to observe. I was observed drinking 9 double Jack and Cokes in 2 hours. This morning I felt to crappy to swipe Oy away from my face. I actually let her lick my eyeballs. It was kind of soothing. After puking all of my movie popcorn all over the bathroom last night and hurling repeatedly in the shower this morning, I have crossed Mr. Jack Daniels off my list of things to do.

We were in bed the other night and a little bit of air escaped from my butt. (it was NOT a fart) Sweety was absolutely delighted. During our 4.5 years of knowing each other I've managed to keep that sort of thing private. He pleaded with me to do it again but I refused. He is disgusting yet so cute.

BB(11) has been asking for an iPod for a couple of years now. The EW called Sweety a few weeks ago and asked him if she bought him one would we download the music. Sweety (knowing that these little devices cost an arm and a leg) told her we'd buy it and she could get him some other things. So we ordered an iPod Nano with BB's initials engraved on it and realized that we can't use Napster with it. We're sending it back and are going to get him a different kind of mp3 player. Luckily, BB doesn't know that there was ever an iPod in the house for him so he doesn't know what he's missing. It sure is a neat looking little thing though.

This was the first Saturday in weeks that we didn't have a baseball game to attend. I am so glad that baseball season is over! For the last game last Saturday the coach let some of the kids who usually play outfield come infield and pitch. We were playing a team who hadn't won one game during the season and they stomped us good once we put in some of the new pitchers. LB(9) was pitching and throwing all these wild balls and the other team was stealing bases and getting runs. The other teams spectators start chanting and stomping on the bleachers; LB gets all freaked out and starts to cry on the pitcher's mound. I am so glad that baseball season is over! Thank you and amen.

Oy loves her new purse! Thank you!! :)


She was playing quietly with it. And Stinky got jealous enough to thump Tiny's head.

Thanksgiving: The Aftermath

We weren't going to do the whole Thanksgiving day dinner on Thanksgiving day; since we didn't have the boys we did our dinner Wednesday night. About noon our neighbor comes over and tells us he's heard we had Boston Market for dinner and in his book that doesn't cut it for Thanksgiving and a couple of their guests aren't coming so would we like to have dinner with them around three o'clock? (The best part was that we had our front door open and I didn't hear or see him appear in our doorway. When he said hi and I looked over to greet him I was holding one of my boobs in my hand and saying something suggestive to Sweety while he was cooking on the porch. I was so surprised to have company it took me about 30 seconds to release my grip.)

And in my infinite politeness I said "sure!" I had just drank one of those big cans of Foster's beer so I was feeling very cheery. As soon as he left Sweety asked me what the hell was I thinking and I told Sweety that I thought we'd just kind of been insulted in the invite over but it was too late now.

I have a problem with eating in front of bunches of people that I don't know. Or bunches of people that I do know. The look on Sweety's face when he saw the horror on my face at realizing I was going to have to eat food and try not to get it all over myself was priceless. He is so supportive.

We ate our own big lunch that we had planned and then we all napped before dinner with the neighbors. I just adore how Sweety's mouth gapes open as he sleeps. And here you can see that Tiny dog gorged (I just love her poochy little belly!) a bit on turkey and carrots with Stinky dog before they plopped over and took a nap too.

The dinner went well. We were there for about an hour all together and I managed to not bounce out of my chair from nervousness. And the neighborwife is one kick ass cook. I brought a piece of pie home - pecan pie with chocolate bits in it. Oh.My.God. It was so good. The anxiety I suffered at being in someone else's home was almost worth it.

Happy Thanksgiving! And Happy HNT!

Let us give thanks to the Boston Market gods. For without them, turkey would not have been had at Hurricane Alley.




And here's me telling Sweety "goodnight" after he rolled my hair the other night and insisted on taking a photo.



Everyone have a lovely Thanksgiving!

Lies I Have Told

Mr. Joe Fuel seems to have run upon one of those things that happens sometimes when you're dating. You're talking to someone, they seem to be into you, they tell you to call but then - nothing. I must admit I have been one of those girls who'd tell a guy to call and then would avoid their calls. Or even worse, lie to them about why I didn't want to see them.

Sweety: You may want to skip this post

I went out with one guy on one date and everything seemed to be going very well. He was good looking, conversation was easy, he had a job and just seemed to be a pretty decent fellow. The day after our date he sent an effing HUGE flower arrangement to my place of employment and then when I spoke to him to thank him he wanted to set dates for the next month. If he would've just said "you're welcome" and asked me out for that Friday night I would've went but the tone of the conversation kinda freaked me out so I told him he was a wonderful fellow but I was giving it another go with my exhusband.

There was another one I went out on a few dates with and then he lost his job. Actually, he was a car salesman and he got fired when his job couldn't cover him on their auto insurance because of a DUI. (i really know how to pick 'em, huh?) And just being jobless wouldn't be reason alone to drop him like a hot rock but when he started calling me multiple times a day at my job and I could tell he had been drinking I told him also that I was giving it another go with the exhusband.

God bless exhusbands...

By this time I'd wised up and figured out to never let a man find out where you live because he may think it's a nice idea to just drop by or give him your phone number. About this time a friend set me up on a blind date with a guy who was nice enough (we'll call him OCDGuy for here) but just didn't do anything for me. So, when he asked for my number I told him to just let me have his and I'd call him if I wanted to go do something sometime. Ha! A perfect plan - or so I thought. A couple of weeks pass and my work phone rings and somebody says 'hey, this OCDGuy! how are you doing?' and I ask him why the heck is he calling me at work. He said he thought I'd lost his number and he knew where I worked so he just decided to call me there. I told him I was busy every night in the foreseeable future.

I met one guy one night and didn't give him my phone number. He turned out to be a cop and he got all my info from my license plate. When he called me I didn't realize I hadn't given him my number but then a friend of mine who's phone was listed in my name got a few calls from some guy asking for me and I realized it was him. After I figured out what he'd done I just didn't answer my phone for a month or so. And I obeyed all traffic laws as well.

When I met Sweety I was dating someone I worked with and we'd been dating for around 4 months and I think we both knew it wasn't going anywhere but it was nice to have someone to go to the movies with on Saturday nights. After I met Sweety I knew he was "the one" so I just told the other guy it wasn't working out but I hoped we could maintain a pleasant working relationship. About 3 weeks later the guy called me to tell me he was going to be near my town the next day and he thought he'd swing by. I told him I was making plans to get married and I'd rather he didn't.

The main reasons I've ever lied and told someone to call when I didn't really mean it was because they either seemed like a nice person (for someone else) and I didn't want to squash their feelings in person (because I am a big chicken) or because they seemed like a nutjob and I didn't want to tell them to not call me to their face because I didn't know if they'd try to choke me or what. I just hate confrontation.

I think what's happened in Joe's situation is that he's a nice guy and the girl knows that but maybe she just didn't get that "spark" when they went out. So rather than tell him she's not interested and maybe say it in a manner that doesn't sound too kind, she's taking the avoidance way out because it's easier for her. When the time is right, you'll find the one and you'll both know it. I recommend serial dating until that time comes. Just get out there and date anything that moves and then maybe you'll meet Miss Right that much sooner.

Oh, Man...

My poor hair. Sweety helped me roll it up last night in some of those sponge roller thingies and now I look like Little Orphan Annie after a 3 day bender. My hair isn't quite long enough yet for this sort of foolishness. I'm going to try and find some larger rollers and give it another go.

I would post a picture but I figure once you've seen me with a bra on my head then you've seen it all.

The sprogs are so downcast over going to watch March of the Penguins that instead we are going to see Corpse Bride. I've been wanting to see that one too so it's all good. I'll go watch the penguin movie by myself next week.

My day shall now begin.

New Stuff

I had to break down and go shopping today.
Introducing - My new hat:

Front view

Side view

I so wish I were an old, Jewish man so I could wear it to a synagogue.

I'm not gonna say what size it is except Effing Big. This is a sign to lose weight. Sweety and I are going to start walking now that it has cooled off a bit. I don't think my tit-sling should be big enough to fit on my noggin.

Hide Your Dick, Sweety (& Other Thoughts)

Cause Tiny dog was watching me service it this morning and now she's dying to get a bite.

Tiny is always trying to pull our ears off or get inside our mouths. I think she does this because she sees us put food in there so she thinks our heads are like pantries where all the groceries go.

This morning, out of the corner of my eye, she was watching me doing one of my wifely duties for Sweety before he went to work. Then she got really interested and moved closer to get a better view. I started to say something but I didn't want to ruin his train of thought. And then afterwards she just kept slinking around with her ears pinned back, following (stalking?) Sweety all over the place.

He better not run around the house naked because I know what is next on her to-do list.

I was reading Oldoldlady of the Hills and her talking about her bears reminded me of mine so I thought I'd share them.



This is Blue, Softy, and Alien. (very original names, eh?) After Sweety and I first met he sent Blue to me at my job. In my old job sometimes people would be unhappy and when I saw the big box my first thought was that it was something unpleasant inside. When my coworker (and very good friend, e) saw the bear she got more excited than me and toted it around so people could look at it. The second bear, Softy, is one that Sweety found in Target when he was shopping and he mailed it to me because he knew how I liked to pet soft stuff. I think it's my favorite bear. And Alien is what I got for him a couple of years ago on Valentine's Day. The sash says "You're not vanilla underneath!" because he looks all normal on the outside but inside he is really a class A freak and I like that.

Sometimes, we like to leave them in different positions around the house. This one and this one can be found lazing around a lot.

The boys are out of school tomorrow so I think I'm gonna take them to see March of the Penguins. They don't want to go see it but I suffered through Spy Kids 3-D for them so they can nap through this for me.

On Thursday they'll be at their Mom's so we do our Thanksgiving dinner with them on Wednesday. For the past couple of years it's been totally up to them to plan the menu. Usually we eat tacos, cake, ice cream, cookies and soda for dinner. This year they both said they wanted turkey! And mashed potatoes! And stuffing! So after the movie tomorrow we will go get Sweety and go to a nice restaurant where they cook all of those things and have Thanksgiving dinner there. The first year I was down here I cooked the giblet bag inside the turkey and ever since then Sweety has cooked or made arrangements for Thanksgiving dinner. (heh, heh, heh. just do something REALLY BAD one time and then you'll NEVER have to do it again!)

I didn't know I was going to get Thanksgiving off til just a couple of days ago so he and I may go out to eat on that day or stay at home and cook on the grill. I'm kinda leaning towards grilling steaks, drinking tequila, playing rummy and having wild monkey sex all over the place. Gee, I've really got sex on the brain right now. It must have been arranging the bear photo shoot that got me all worked up.

Deception

Oh, the lengths that I will go to for some alone time...

I've figured out that when I get home and the canines hear me they go bonkers in the room they're in but when Sweety comes home they don't make a peep. So, I've started stomping my feet really loud and slamming cabinet doors when I get in to fool them.

How ridiculous is that? And I was so proud of myself when I hatched my plan. It is working though.

I came home early today. The crappy feeling just wouldn't go away. If I'm going to feel rotten I'd rather do it in the privacy of my own home.

Sweety should be home soon so I can wad up with him on the couch.

Have I mentioned how much I love our couch? It kicks ass. It's made out of the same leather that is used to make footballs (so basset hound toenails can't tear it. gee, now that i think about it, how effed up is it to let your dog help you decide what your couch is made out of? i digress.) and it has a smush factor that is just right. I bought a little pillow for it yesterday. I'm gonna go lay my melonhead down on it right now.

Signs

You know it's going to be a fabulous day when...

Your panties effing BREAK because a small canine has chewed through the string on the side.

Your finger turns purple when putting your wedding ring on because you are so bloated.

You steal socks from your significant other and find that they have a hole in them.

You wake up because you feel like you're gonna puke.

I cannot wait to see how my day will unfold!

Cool Beans

THANK YOU! to all the HNT commenters!

I'm such a comment whore. I love them. And after spending the last 90 minutes going to everyone's sites, my eyes are bleeding. For some reason, when I left some comments I got emails back saying they were refused because of complaints about my ISP. I don't know what the heck that's about. Maybe Sweety has really been abusing the computer when I'm away.

I must go wash my eyeballs off and go to bed.

P.S. Man, I love looking at breasts. And penises. And just half-clothed people in general. I feel all warm and fuzzy inside.

P.S.P.S. If I ever meet someone and they reveal to me that they earn their living by sending spam messages, I will rub their head off on the sidewalk. And then I will mount their scalp on my computer as a warning to other spammers. Argh.

Happy HNT!

This outfit makes me feel like a magician's assistant.




Fishnet is great. And I just love that it's easy to rip through!

Have a great Thursday!

Dreams

Anaglyph's post about recurring dreams made me think about some of my own. I've had a variation of the same type of dream for about 4 years now. I'm flying to get away from someone/something and keep running into a ceiling. Sometimes the ceiling is made of industrial ceiling tiles and sometimes it's plastic (like garbage bags are made of). In order to get away I have to keep pushing through the ceiling to get to the next level/world; only to find that there's another ceiling there to push through. I've only had one dream where I pushed through enough ceilings so there weren't any more of them left and I woke up when I getting oriented in my dreamworld to see what was around me. Doesn't that figure?

Now that I think about it I've had the ceiling dreams since moving to Florida.

In my dreams I can fly only if I'm relaxed and not freaking out because I need to get away from something. And I can have people fly with me as long as we're holding hands and they believe just a tiny bit that I can fly.

Sometimes I dream that my dream is a movie and I'm watching it. Credits will even roll. One of the oddest dreams I ever had was where I was watching a movie-dream and I was in it too. I was a bee and I lived in a big bee city. And I was a police officer bee trying to catch a murderer. I caught him and then saw my name in the credits in the end.

Dreams where my teeth are breaking off or falling out are a common theme also. When I wake up I'm usually licking my teeth, checking for broken ones.

Then there was the one where I was a vulture and I liked to stand on my head at the park and look at myself in the water and watch all the people milling about. I don't know where the hell that one came from.

Thankfully, the invisible lions haven't paid me a visit in some time.

Not Creative Enough for a Title

The walls at work are covered in great big tile and there's a space between each tile about half an inch wide. Last night I was looking at the crack thinking "hmmm. bet i could put my nose in there." So I did. And it was just as much fun as I'd anticipated. This instance has made me realize that if I were a man I'd probably put my dick into every crevice around just to see what it felt like.

Tiny dog is humping the hell out of Stinky's tail. Where is my camera when I need it? And now she's eating Stinky's eye boogers. I guess that's her way of cuddling when she'd done fucking.

The EW called Sweety crying last night. Wanted to know if something happens to her (oh god, i can only dream!!!) if we would take care of her other two sproglings because she'd like them to stay with their brothers (maybe she should have thought of this before she started boinging out babies). She's having a will made up and this is one of the things she's taking care of. She told him it was hard for her to even say (with him being her exhusband and me being his wife) but she sees how we take care of the boys and she saw how we were with my niece when she lived with us and she knows we'd be good parents. Goody. What a compliment. At first I told Sweety no, that if I wanted a child to mold I'd try to squeeze one out on my own but then we decided to tell her we'd do it but only until LB is 15 or so. Once the boys are grown if she's still alive she'll need to find new backup parents. She's going to die now and I'm going to have 4 kids full time. I see this happening.

I guess the EW has a boyfriend. When Sweety got to her house yesterday to get the boys there was a police car in the yard. He asked the boys if everything was okay and BB told him that his mom said it was time for her to start dating. Why she needed to share this with a 10 year old I do not know. I think if my last husband died and I was looking for a new man I'd try and pick one that had a profession with a low fatality level so maybe I could enjoy him for awhile.

Conversation

Setting: Bedtime. Just getting settled in.

Him: This is the hardest part of your new schedule for me.

Me: What? Don't you like having me here?

Him: Well, yes. But I can't fart now before I go to sleep.

Me: Sorry. You'll adjust.

Him: I'll just get all fat and bloated from holding it in I guess.

Me: That's okay. I'll stick you in your bloated belly with a short knife in the morning like you have to do with bloated cows and then you'll be good as new!

Him: (The only sound is his feet hitting the floor as he runs to eat a handful of Rolaids.)


I think the togetherness is getting to me.

Annoyances

When I tie the dogs outside and while untying Stinky dog, realize that she shit on the sidewalk and drug her leash through it - The part of the leash that I'm now holding.

Watching t.v. with Sweety when he is running the remote. We'll start watching something and I'll be interested in it and he'll change the channel during the commercial. What the fuck is up with that? Why is that necessary? Why can't we finish the show? This drives me bonkers.

Sweety getting annoyed when I leave the living room and come to tap on the keyboard when I've had enough of his schizophrenic t.v. viewing habits.

Sweety taking pictures of me while I'm eating. I really don't like that. Like I'm going to post a photo of me stuffing my face with corn on the cob. I hope he doesn't start his own blog.

When I'm driving 80 mph and some fool decides to just move over into my lane while they're going 65. My car is bigger than yours, stupid. Just stay where you are.

People that just don't get how to use the debit card swipey machine. It is really not that hard people. If it's such a problem for you, may I suggest paying with CASH?

Tipsy Blogging

All the fucking carpet that can be cleaned has been. Thank you and amen. I need myself an Oompa Loompa. One of those little guys would have been very handy the last couple of days to tote dirty carpet water to the bathroom. I would name him Henry.

I think Sweety's dad will be here this weekend. I hope so. It seems like the last couple of times he's been here I was caught off guard and the house was a mess. At least he could see it clean.

I've decided Grey Goose vodka is Numero Uno.

Besides getting the floors clean the last couple of days, I've managed to exorcise all the chocolate Halloween candy from the house. Now I can start my diet in earnest. It was just too hard with all those cute Kit Kat bars screaming to be released from their plastic wrappers.

Tiny Dog has forsaken me. She used to rush to get in bed with me but since Stinky's gotten a new bed, she likes to lounge with her. Unloyal little shit.

I can hear a frozen bottle whispering to me from the freezer. It is time to drown my sorrow.

Carpet: Go Eff Yourself.

In response to some of the HNT comments...

Does liposuction hurt?
Does a bear shit in the woods? It was the most horrific pain that I've ever subjected myself to. It was done with local anesthesia. Once I was anesthesized I didn't feel anything but it hurt like hell when they were poking under my skin with the wand thingy that had the numbing stuff and fat melting stuff in it. If I hadn't already paid for it, I would've ran out the front door in my paper thong and not completed the surgery. But I am pleased enough with the new shape of things that I'd have done it even if I'd have known how much it was going to hurt.

And as far as fake boobs go I don't want to install some globes on my chest; I want to reduce and perkify what I've already got.

It was Tiny dog that went into the pressure cooker not her poop. She was very determined and managed to rock the cooker off the stove and onto the floor. She has locked herself into the pantry and is pleading for amnesty. Negotiations are underway.

The livingroom carpet has been cleaned for a second time and it finally looks halfway decent. With all the money that's been spent on the machine and the cleaning solution I could've just bought new carpet. As I was cleaning the nasty carpet I kept thinking to myself "Fucking lazy ass exwife. Maybe if she'd have done this once or twice it wouldn't be such a mess now." I wonder if her ears were burning today?

The weekend won't get here soon enough.