Blech.

After eating my cereal this morning I thought I'd be nice and give Stinky dog a treat of some leftover milk.

I've just found out that she is lactose intolerant.

About 45 seconds after eating the teensy bit of milk she barfed in 3 places on the floor. All of the dog food she'd just eaten was in there.

It was hard to clean up because I was retching so hard that my eyes were closing.

Thank goodness for the carpet cleaner.

Just Bitching

It seems the boys' had a fantastic time at their stupid effing mother's this weekend! They got to have a 2 day "slumber party" with her new boyfriend and his 2 children. BB(11) said that the other kids (9 & 7) didn't have any discipline and it wasn't the best time.

The EW tells me how guilty she feels that she doesn't spend enough time with the boys and on the weekend they're over there she has her new man come over? I don't see why she can't do that on maybe the other fucking half of the week when she doesn't have the boys. This guy's not even divorced yet. I hope his wife kicks the EW's ass. Hmm, maybe when I see her at the school today picking up her kids I could poke the hornet's nest. Probably not though.

The boys were rather unexcited to be going to their mom's this weekend because they knew that they were going to a car show with her and whatshisname. I can only imagine their glee when they found out they'd be getting to sleep on the floor with his two children. LB(9) had a confrontation with his youngest son(7) because the kid kept grabbing things out of his hand.

As much of a shock it was for the boys I wonder what his 2 kids think about the whole thing. I mean, here they are - used to being the only 2 kids in the house and they're dealing with their parents getting divorced and now they get to go to a house where 4 other kids live.

I'm back to wanting to scrub the EW's face off on the sidewalk.

I knew they must have had a crappy weekend because when I got home last night BB(11) was quizzing me about my day at work and weekend. They usually do that when they've had a sucky time and want to talk about it.

Bah.

Sweety and I were at odds over how to discipline Tiny dog last night. And this made Sweety start thinking about how much we have in common. (that would be NOTHING) Geez man, we're getting along just fine. Let's not make a problem where there isn't one.

I'm just feeling way too grouchy this morning.

Yadda Yadda Yadda

That Tiny dog effing whore just ate on my baked potato. It's a good thing she's small enough to fit under the couch and I'm too lazy to move it. The only way I figured out that she'd been on my desk was that in her haste to run away she left a trail of baked potato from my desktop to the floor. Ack. I don't love her enough to eat after her. I was full anyway.

Wendy's and Airtran have a promotion going on where on the back of the drink cups there are coupons that you can redeem for flights with Airtran. It takes 64 coupons for a round trip ticket. We figured we'll save over 800.00 if we take advantage of this promo. We've been some soda buying fools for the last couple of days. You can only get 5 drinks at a time so Sweety's been hitting the drive-thru multiple times a day. I think he's been there 4 times today. On my days off I am to collect as many as possible. I'm almost tempted to pick other people's used cups out of the trash but I have too much pride for that for now.

This weekend is when we are celebrating BB & LB's birthdays. BB(11) has invited 3 friends over and LB(9) has invited one. We should know tomorrow who is coming. It will be a sleepover. I will probably be bald by the time Sunday morning gets here. A small part of me would be so relieved if nobody could come and then that way I wouldn't have to deal with the small group of preteenaged boys. Sweety said he'd manage the party if I wanted to go pick used drink cups out of the Wendy's trash bins; we shall see.

I just saw that this is my 402nd post. I've been doing this blog thing for about 11 months. So obviously, I have days where I'm avoiding doing a damn thing and post more than once instead. Lucky you all.

WWJD or Who Wants Jack Daniels?

After work last night we viewed Saw II. It was alright. I like everything in a movie to work out the way I want it to in the end and it didn't happen in this one. Afterwards we went to a little bar where they do karaoke on Friday nights. We don't sing but we do like to observe. I was observed drinking 9 double Jack and Cokes in 2 hours. This morning I felt to crappy to swipe Oy away from my face. I actually let her lick my eyeballs. It was kind of soothing. After puking all of my movie popcorn all over the bathroom last night and hurling repeatedly in the shower this morning, I have crossed Mr. Jack Daniels off my list of things to do.

We were in bed the other night and a little bit of air escaped from my butt. (it was NOT a fart) Sweety was absolutely delighted. During our 4.5 years of knowing each other I've managed to keep that sort of thing private. He pleaded with me to do it again but I refused. He is disgusting yet so cute.

BB(11) has been asking for an iPod for a couple of years now. The EW called Sweety a few weeks ago and asked him if she bought him one would we download the music. Sweety (knowing that these little devices cost an arm and a leg) told her we'd buy it and she could get him some other things. So we ordered an iPod Nano with BB's initials engraved on it and realized that we can't use Napster with it. We're sending it back and are going to get him a different kind of mp3 player. Luckily, BB doesn't know that there was ever an iPod in the house for him so he doesn't know what he's missing. It sure is a neat looking little thing though.

This was the first Saturday in weeks that we didn't have a baseball game to attend. I am so glad that baseball season is over! For the last game last Saturday the coach let some of the kids who usually play outfield come infield and pitch. We were playing a team who hadn't won one game during the season and they stomped us good once we put in some of the new pitchers. LB(9) was pitching and throwing all these wild balls and the other team was stealing bases and getting runs. The other teams spectators start chanting and stomping on the bleachers; LB gets all freaked out and starts to cry on the pitcher's mound. I am so glad that baseball season is over! Thank you and amen.

Oy loves her new purse! Thank you!! :)


She was playing quietly with it. And Stinky got jealous enough to thump Tiny's head.

Thanksgiving: The Aftermath

We weren't going to do the whole Thanksgiving day dinner on Thanksgiving day; since we didn't have the boys we did our dinner Wednesday night. About noon our neighbor comes over and tells us he's heard we had Boston Market for dinner and in his book that doesn't cut it for Thanksgiving and a couple of their guests aren't coming so would we like to have dinner with them around three o'clock? (The best part was that we had our front door open and I didn't hear or see him appear in our doorway. When he said hi and I looked over to greet him I was holding one of my boobs in my hand and saying something suggestive to Sweety while he was cooking on the porch. I was so surprised to have company it took me about 30 seconds to release my grip.)

And in my infinite politeness I said "sure!" I had just drank one of those big cans of Foster's beer so I was feeling very cheery. As soon as he left Sweety asked me what the hell was I thinking and I told Sweety that I thought we'd just kind of been insulted in the invite over but it was too late now.

I have a problem with eating in front of bunches of people that I don't know. Or bunches of people that I do know. The look on Sweety's face when he saw the horror on my face at realizing I was going to have to eat food and try not to get it all over myself was priceless. He is so supportive.

We ate our own big lunch that we had planned and then we all napped before dinner with the neighbors. I just adore how Sweety's mouth gapes open as he sleeps. And here you can see that Tiny dog gorged (I just love her poochy little belly!) a bit on turkey and carrots with Stinky dog before they plopped over and took a nap too.

The dinner went well. We were there for about an hour all together and I managed to not bounce out of my chair from nervousness. And the neighborwife is one kick ass cook. I brought a piece of pie home - pecan pie with chocolate bits in it. Oh.My.God. It was so good. The anxiety I suffered at being in someone else's home was almost worth it.

Happy Thanksgiving! And Happy HNT!

Let us give thanks to the Boston Market gods. For without them, turkey would not have been had at Hurricane Alley.




And here's me telling Sweety "goodnight" after he rolled my hair the other night and insisted on taking a photo.



Everyone have a lovely Thanksgiving!

Lies I Have Told

Mr. Joe Fuel seems to have run upon one of those things that happens sometimes when you're dating. You're talking to someone, they seem to be into you, they tell you to call but then - nothing. I must admit I have been one of those girls who'd tell a guy to call and then would avoid their calls. Or even worse, lie to them about why I didn't want to see them.

Sweety: You may want to skip this post

I went out with one guy on one date and everything seemed to be going very well. He was good looking, conversation was easy, he had a job and just seemed to be a pretty decent fellow. The day after our date he sent an effing HUGE flower arrangement to my place of employment and then when I spoke to him to thank him he wanted to set dates for the next month. If he would've just said "you're welcome" and asked me out for that Friday night I would've went but the tone of the conversation kinda freaked me out so I told him he was a wonderful fellow but I was giving it another go with my exhusband.

There was another one I went out on a few dates with and then he lost his job. Actually, he was a car salesman and he got fired when his job couldn't cover him on their auto insurance because of a DUI. (i really know how to pick 'em, huh?) And just being jobless wouldn't be reason alone to drop him like a hot rock but when he started calling me multiple times a day at my job and I could tell he had been drinking I told him also that I was giving it another go with the exhusband.

God bless exhusbands...

By this time I'd wised up and figured out to never let a man find out where you live because he may think it's a nice idea to just drop by or give him your phone number. About this time a friend set me up on a blind date with a guy who was nice enough (we'll call him OCDGuy for here) but just didn't do anything for me. So, when he asked for my number I told him to just let me have his and I'd call him if I wanted to go do something sometime. Ha! A perfect plan - or so I thought. A couple of weeks pass and my work phone rings and somebody says 'hey, this OCDGuy! how are you doing?' and I ask him why the heck is he calling me at work. He said he thought I'd lost his number and he knew where I worked so he just decided to call me there. I told him I was busy every night in the foreseeable future.

I met one guy one night and didn't give him my phone number. He turned out to be a cop and he got all my info from my license plate. When he called me I didn't realize I hadn't given him my number but then a friend of mine who's phone was listed in my name got a few calls from some guy asking for me and I realized it was him. After I figured out what he'd done I just didn't answer my phone for a month or so. And I obeyed all traffic laws as well.

When I met Sweety I was dating someone I worked with and we'd been dating for around 4 months and I think we both knew it wasn't going anywhere but it was nice to have someone to go to the movies with on Saturday nights. After I met Sweety I knew he was "the one" so I just told the other guy it wasn't working out but I hoped we could maintain a pleasant working relationship. About 3 weeks later the guy called me to tell me he was going to be near my town the next day and he thought he'd swing by. I told him I was making plans to get married and I'd rather he didn't.

The main reasons I've ever lied and told someone to call when I didn't really mean it was because they either seemed like a nice person (for someone else) and I didn't want to squash their feelings in person (because I am a big chicken) or because they seemed like a nutjob and I didn't want to tell them to not call me to their face because I didn't know if they'd try to choke me or what. I just hate confrontation.

I think what's happened in Joe's situation is that he's a nice guy and the girl knows that but maybe she just didn't get that "spark" when they went out. So rather than tell him she's not interested and maybe say it in a manner that doesn't sound too kind, she's taking the avoidance way out because it's easier for her. When the time is right, you'll find the one and you'll both know it. I recommend serial dating until that time comes. Just get out there and date anything that moves and then maybe you'll meet Miss Right that much sooner.

Oh, Man...

My poor hair. Sweety helped me roll it up last night in some of those sponge roller thingies and now I look like Little Orphan Annie after a 3 day bender. My hair isn't quite long enough yet for this sort of foolishness. I'm going to try and find some larger rollers and give it another go.

I would post a picture but I figure once you've seen me with a bra on my head then you've seen it all.

The sprogs are so downcast over going to watch March of the Penguins that instead we are going to see Corpse Bride. I've been wanting to see that one too so it's all good. I'll go watch the penguin movie by myself next week.

My day shall now begin.

New Stuff

I had to break down and go shopping today.
Introducing - My new hat:

Front view

Side view

I so wish I were an old, Jewish man so I could wear it to a synagogue.

I'm not gonna say what size it is except Effing Big. This is a sign to lose weight. Sweety and I are going to start walking now that it has cooled off a bit. I don't think my tit-sling should be big enough to fit on my noggin.

Hide Your Dick, Sweety (& Other Thoughts)

Cause Tiny dog was watching me service it this morning and now she's dying to get a bite.

Tiny is always trying to pull our ears off or get inside our mouths. I think she does this because she sees us put food in there so she thinks our heads are like pantries where all the groceries go.

This morning, out of the corner of my eye, she was watching me doing one of my wifely duties for Sweety before he went to work. Then she got really interested and moved closer to get a better view. I started to say something but I didn't want to ruin his train of thought. And then afterwards she just kept slinking around with her ears pinned back, following (stalking?) Sweety all over the place.

He better not run around the house naked because I know what is next on her to-do list.

I was reading Oldoldlady of the Hills and her talking about her bears reminded me of mine so I thought I'd share them.



This is Blue, Softy, and Alien. (very original names, eh?) After Sweety and I first met he sent Blue to me at my job. In my old job sometimes people would be unhappy and when I saw the big box my first thought was that it was something unpleasant inside. When my coworker (and very good friend, e) saw the bear she got more excited than me and toted it around so people could look at it. The second bear, Softy, is one that Sweety found in Target when he was shopping and he mailed it to me because he knew how I liked to pet soft stuff. I think it's my favorite bear. And Alien is what I got for him a couple of years ago on Valentine's Day. The sash says "You're not vanilla underneath!" because he looks all normal on the outside but inside he is really a class A freak and I like that.

Sometimes, we like to leave them in different positions around the house. This one and this one can be found lazing around a lot.

The boys are out of school tomorrow so I think I'm gonna take them to see March of the Penguins. They don't want to go see it but I suffered through Spy Kids 3-D for them so they can nap through this for me.

On Thursday they'll be at their Mom's so we do our Thanksgiving dinner with them on Wednesday. For the past couple of years it's been totally up to them to plan the menu. Usually we eat tacos, cake, ice cream, cookies and soda for dinner. This year they both said they wanted turkey! And mashed potatoes! And stuffing! So after the movie tomorrow we will go get Sweety and go to a nice restaurant where they cook all of those things and have Thanksgiving dinner there. The first year I was down here I cooked the giblet bag inside the turkey and ever since then Sweety has cooked or made arrangements for Thanksgiving dinner. (heh, heh, heh. just do something REALLY BAD one time and then you'll NEVER have to do it again!)

I didn't know I was going to get Thanksgiving off til just a couple of days ago so he and I may go out to eat on that day or stay at home and cook on the grill. I'm kinda leaning towards grilling steaks, drinking tequila, playing rummy and having wild monkey sex all over the place. Gee, I've really got sex on the brain right now. It must have been arranging the bear photo shoot that got me all worked up.

Deception

Oh, the lengths that I will go to for some alone time...

I've figured out that when I get home and the canines hear me they go bonkers in the room they're in but when Sweety comes home they don't make a peep. So, I've started stomping my feet really loud and slamming cabinet doors when I get in to fool them.

How ridiculous is that? And I was so proud of myself when I hatched my plan. It is working though.

I came home early today. The crappy feeling just wouldn't go away. If I'm going to feel rotten I'd rather do it in the privacy of my own home.

Sweety should be home soon so I can wad up with him on the couch.

Have I mentioned how much I love our couch? It kicks ass. It's made out of the same leather that is used to make footballs (so basset hound toenails can't tear it. gee, now that i think about it, how effed up is it to let your dog help you decide what your couch is made out of? i digress.) and it has a smush factor that is just right. I bought a little pillow for it yesterday. I'm gonna go lay my melonhead down on it right now.

Signs

You know it's going to be a fabulous day when...

Your panties effing BREAK because a small canine has chewed through the string on the side.

Your finger turns purple when putting your wedding ring on because you are so bloated.

You steal socks from your significant other and find that they have a hole in them.

You wake up because you feel like you're gonna puke.

I cannot wait to see how my day will unfold!

Cool Beans

THANK YOU! to all the HNT commenters!

I'm such a comment whore. I love them. And after spending the last 90 minutes going to everyone's sites, my eyes are bleeding. For some reason, when I left some comments I got emails back saying they were refused because of complaints about my ISP. I don't know what the heck that's about. Maybe Sweety has really been abusing the computer when I'm away.

I must go wash my eyeballs off and go to bed.

P.S. Man, I love looking at breasts. And penises. And just half-clothed people in general. I feel all warm and fuzzy inside.

P.S.P.S. If I ever meet someone and they reveal to me that they earn their living by sending spam messages, I will rub their head off on the sidewalk. And then I will mount their scalp on my computer as a warning to other spammers. Argh.

Happy HNT!

This outfit makes me feel like a magician's assistant.




Fishnet is great. And I just love that it's easy to rip through!

Have a great Thursday!

Dreams

Anaglyph's post about recurring dreams made me think about some of my own. I've had a variation of the same type of dream for about 4 years now. I'm flying to get away from someone/something and keep running into a ceiling. Sometimes the ceiling is made of industrial ceiling tiles and sometimes it's plastic (like garbage bags are made of). In order to get away I have to keep pushing through the ceiling to get to the next level/world; only to find that there's another ceiling there to push through. I've only had one dream where I pushed through enough ceilings so there weren't any more of them left and I woke up when I getting oriented in my dreamworld to see what was around me. Doesn't that figure?

Now that I think about it I've had the ceiling dreams since moving to Florida.

In my dreams I can fly only if I'm relaxed and not freaking out because I need to get away from something. And I can have people fly with me as long as we're holding hands and they believe just a tiny bit that I can fly.

Sometimes I dream that my dream is a movie and I'm watching it. Credits will even roll. One of the oddest dreams I ever had was where I was watching a movie-dream and I was in it too. I was a bee and I lived in a big bee city. And I was a police officer bee trying to catch a murderer. I caught him and then saw my name in the credits in the end.

Dreams where my teeth are breaking off or falling out are a common theme also. When I wake up I'm usually licking my teeth, checking for broken ones.

Then there was the one where I was a vulture and I liked to stand on my head at the park and look at myself in the water and watch all the people milling about. I don't know where the hell that one came from.

Thankfully, the invisible lions haven't paid me a visit in some time.

Not Creative Enough for a Title

The walls at work are covered in great big tile and there's a space between each tile about half an inch wide. Last night I was looking at the crack thinking "hmmm. bet i could put my nose in there." So I did. And it was just as much fun as I'd anticipated. This instance has made me realize that if I were a man I'd probably put my dick into every crevice around just to see what it felt like.

Tiny dog is humping the hell out of Stinky's tail. Where is my camera when I need it? And now she's eating Stinky's eye boogers. I guess that's her way of cuddling when she'd done fucking.

The EW called Sweety crying last night. Wanted to know if something happens to her (oh god, i can only dream!!!) if we would take care of her other two sproglings because she'd like them to stay with their brothers (maybe she should have thought of this before she started boinging out babies). She's having a will made up and this is one of the things she's taking care of. She told him it was hard for her to even say (with him being her exhusband and me being his wife) but she sees how we take care of the boys and she saw how we were with my niece when she lived with us and she knows we'd be good parents. Goody. What a compliment. At first I told Sweety no, that if I wanted a child to mold I'd try to squeeze one out on my own but then we decided to tell her we'd do it but only until LB is 15 or so. Once the boys are grown if she's still alive she'll need to find new backup parents. She's going to die now and I'm going to have 4 kids full time. I see this happening.

I guess the EW has a boyfriend. When Sweety got to her house yesterday to get the boys there was a police car in the yard. He asked the boys if everything was okay and BB told him that his mom said it was time for her to start dating. Why she needed to share this with a 10 year old I do not know. I think if my last husband died and I was looking for a new man I'd try and pick one that had a profession with a low fatality level so maybe I could enjoy him for awhile.

Conversation

Setting: Bedtime. Just getting settled in.

Him: This is the hardest part of your new schedule for me.

Me: What? Don't you like having me here?

Him: Well, yes. But I can't fart now before I go to sleep.

Me: Sorry. You'll adjust.

Him: I'll just get all fat and bloated from holding it in I guess.

Me: That's okay. I'll stick you in your bloated belly with a short knife in the morning like you have to do with bloated cows and then you'll be good as new!

Him: (The only sound is his feet hitting the floor as he runs to eat a handful of Rolaids.)


I think the togetherness is getting to me.

Annoyances

When I tie the dogs outside and while untying Stinky dog, realize that she shit on the sidewalk and drug her leash through it - The part of the leash that I'm now holding.

Watching t.v. with Sweety when he is running the remote. We'll start watching something and I'll be interested in it and he'll change the channel during the commercial. What the fuck is up with that? Why is that necessary? Why can't we finish the show? This drives me bonkers.

Sweety getting annoyed when I leave the living room and come to tap on the keyboard when I've had enough of his schizophrenic t.v. viewing habits.

Sweety taking pictures of me while I'm eating. I really don't like that. Like I'm going to post a photo of me stuffing my face with corn on the cob. I hope he doesn't start his own blog.

When I'm driving 80 mph and some fool decides to just move over into my lane while they're going 65. My car is bigger than yours, stupid. Just stay where you are.

People that just don't get how to use the debit card swipey machine. It is really not that hard people. If it's such a problem for you, may I suggest paying with CASH?

Tipsy Blogging

All the fucking carpet that can be cleaned has been. Thank you and amen. I need myself an Oompa Loompa. One of those little guys would have been very handy the last couple of days to tote dirty carpet water to the bathroom. I would name him Henry.

I think Sweety's dad will be here this weekend. I hope so. It seems like the last couple of times he's been here I was caught off guard and the house was a mess. At least he could see it clean.

I've decided Grey Goose vodka is Numero Uno.

Besides getting the floors clean the last couple of days, I've managed to exorcise all the chocolate Halloween candy from the house. Now I can start my diet in earnest. It was just too hard with all those cute Kit Kat bars screaming to be released from their plastic wrappers.

Tiny Dog has forsaken me. She used to rush to get in bed with me but since Stinky's gotten a new bed, she likes to lounge with her. Unloyal little shit.

I can hear a frozen bottle whispering to me from the freezer. It is time to drown my sorrow.

Carpet: Go Eff Yourself.

In response to some of the HNT comments...

Does liposuction hurt?
Does a bear shit in the woods? It was the most horrific pain that I've ever subjected myself to. It was done with local anesthesia. Once I was anesthesized I didn't feel anything but it hurt like hell when they were poking under my skin with the wand thingy that had the numbing stuff and fat melting stuff in it. If I hadn't already paid for it, I would've ran out the front door in my paper thong and not completed the surgery. But I am pleased enough with the new shape of things that I'd have done it even if I'd have known how much it was going to hurt.

And as far as fake boobs go I don't want to install some globes on my chest; I want to reduce and perkify what I've already got.

It was Tiny dog that went into the pressure cooker not her poop. She was very determined and managed to rock the cooker off the stove and onto the floor. She has locked herself into the pantry and is pleading for amnesty. Negotiations are underway.

The livingroom carpet has been cleaned for a second time and it finally looks halfway decent. With all the money that's been spent on the machine and the cleaning solution I could've just bought new carpet. As I was cleaning the nasty carpet I kept thinking to myself "Fucking lazy ass exwife. Maybe if she'd have done this once or twice it wouldn't be such a mess now." I wonder if her ears were burning today?

The weekend won't get here soon enough.

Yet Another Happy HNT!

For today's Half-Nekkid Thursday I thought I'd introduce my tattoos.


This is the first one that I got. I was 19 years old, freshly married and I thought it would be a nice idea to get a tattoo with his name on it. The blackwork came 6 years later to cover his name. I'd like to have it taken off. Maybe after I get my boobs done.


This one I got when I was 20 and it's on my left shoulder. There's a dragon because in Korea I was born in the year of the dragon, the sun is for my mom, and the pearl is there because that's one of the meanings of my sister's name.


This one landed after I lost about 45 pounds. I'd been wanting a tattoo on my lower back but wanted to wait til I lost some weight. It was kind of what I was working for. See the two little round scars above it? Those came from getting my love handles sucked off last year. The scars are still fading. At some point I may have the tattoo extended to cover them.

And here is a gratuitous shot of evil-cute-FOOD STEALING!-Tiny dog-Oy. I was in here on the computer and heard her crying. I discovered that she was upset because she'd got her thieving ass up on my damn kitchen table and was eating Sweety's leftovers but was too afraid to jump back down when she was finished. I guess she's not a fan of coleslaw. Finding her tapdancing on the kitchen table didn't make me want to put her in the pressure cooker; Finding a tootsie roll sized piece of Tiny dogshit on my newly cleaned carpet did. She smells delicious! (I mean she smells delicious cooking in the pressure cooker...)

Sanitary

The living room floor has been shampooed. And it needs to be done again but I'm out of cleaner and I'm sick of pushing the machine. I thought our carpet was beige and blue but really it's white and blue. Who would've thunk it? The good for nothing clean canines are snoozing on the back porch. I guess the roar of the carpet cleaner just lulled them to sleep. I pulled up an ungodly amount of Stinky dog hair. But I can't call her Stinky dog today because she came back from the beauty shop doused in whore stink. Next time I'll tell them to lay off the perfume. She's making me and Tiny sneeze.

I'm contemplating weaseling out of tonight's baseball game to stay home and clean the living room again.

Phwew.

I just moved all the effing furniture that I can move out of the living room and into the toyroom in preparation of the great Carpet Cleaning. I have also made the decision to perhaps not clean the toyroom carpet today. This way I can leave all the furniture in that room til the living room is nice and dry. I feel so much better since I have just slashed my workload for the day in half.

Stinky dog Tasha has been dumped off at the beauty shop. She didn't seem really happy to stay. She is probably gnawing through her wrists right now in an effort to escape the groomer's clutches. I forgot that if Stinky's not at home that Tiny will run around and cry til she gets back. The little rat actually weeps. So I've given Tiny a bath but now she has these big ass wet circles under her eyes. She now looks like the stereotypically shaking, pacing, runny-eyed chihuahua instead of the insanely cute animal that I am used to.

Unfortunately the beauty shop doesn't offer nail painting. I may suggest that to them. Did you know that if you have your dog's nails painted their I.Q. immediately goes up by 50 points? So, if you have a stupid beagle and get her all prettied up she might be smart enough to hold the hammer for you while you are building a chicken coop. And she'd look so stylish doing it.

Suzy Effing Homemaker

The house isn't spotless but I did cook a real meal (tacos, quesadillas and rice) and cleaned the kitchen and brownies are cooking to their death in the oven.

I know I just bitched about not having as much alone time on my new schedule as I did on my old one and guess what has floated upstream for me?

BB(10) thinks he would like to be homeschooled. This doesn't appear to stem from any bullying or anything going on at school. I am all for the idea. He has problems sometimes picking things up and I think if I could work with him alone he could learn easier than in a classroom with 30 other kids. Sweety has tossed the idea out to EW and she didn't immediately freak out. The only problem is my pesky job. I almost have to keep it because the boys are on my insurance. If Sweety were to carry the whole family on his insurance it would cost a horrific amount more than what we pay through my plan. We shall see. We have the rest of the school year to poke the whole idea around.

Stinky dog Tasha is going to the beauty shop tomorrow! She is very excited. I am very excited. I hate bathing her and then dealing with the mess of a wet dog. And clipping her nails? Sheesh, you'd think I was trying to cut her kidney out with the way she carries on. It will be nice to drop off one Stinky dog and pick up a nice fluffy dog later. And the place is trying to scrounge up business so I think they're pretty cheap. Maybe I can get her toenails painted. I think that would make her feel extra pretty. While the main source of dog hair tumbleweeds is gone tomorrow I'm going clean the floor with my shiny new carpet cleaner.

The boys got their birthday present a little early. It's one of those game tables that you can play air hockey, ping pong, table soccer and pool on. They love it. I'm happy to see them have something they like to do besides burn their eyeballs up playing a video game. And this is something that I can play with them - unlike video game football.

We are slowly weeding out the toys that they have outgrown and replacing them with other things. I can't wait to get the toy room rearranged after I clean the carpet tomorrow. The fun I have planned!

What Happened To My House?

How is it than you can get the place clean and then 72 hours later it looks like a tsunami hit? Sometimes I miss being single and living in my bedroom. The rest of the house stayed immaculate so if I ever had company I could just shut my bedroom door. But I guess being surrounded by all this love is worth having a mildly unclean house.

It's kind of weird being home so much now. I'm not used to all the togetherness. I have a lot less time to myself. For almost our whole marriage I've worked an odd schedule. I hope we can survive seeing each other so much. I forgot if I'm going to be seeing Sweety more then that also means I'll get to be around more if he happens to be in a bad mood.

Oy's taxi arrived yesterday. She can hardly wait to go out on the town. Sweety almost had a kitten when he saw it. I was trying to point out the features on it that I liked so much (pockets on the sides for my things, leash on the inside so she doesn't sail out, little fur lined window so her chin doesn't get chafed when she's hanging out her head to see where she's going) but he wasn't interested. Even the fact that I got it on eBay for nickels did not comfort him. I love eBay.

We need a nap before tackling the house.

Blah Blah Blah

Today was spent picking rocks up. Yay. Unlike Mr. Snagley, I am not a big fan of Manual Labor (I do like his cousin, Jose Cuervo, though.)

There's a little rock garden that's going to be in the way when our pool gets started. Sweety is going to put the rocks back in a new place once the pool is done. We picked up 3 wheelbarrows worth today and there are still some left.

Ew, I just did something that's beyond gross. Tiny dog just took a puke by my chair and after I cleaned it up I sniffed it to see if I could figure out what made her sick. It was almost a reflex. I didn't think about what I was doing it til I was doing it. I need to distance myself from my dogs a bit more.

The boys won tonight's ballgame, thank goodness. But they were still pissy when it was over because they didn't play very well. We just got lucky and the other team sucked worse than ours. I told then boys if they were going to be hung with a new rope then they'd ask for an old one. Let's just enjoy our 2nd victory of the season, mmmkay?

I didn't realize how flat my face was til Sweety took this photo. I guess that's why I can sleep face-down on the mattress.

A Quickie

First off - Thank you! to everyone who commented on the HNT post. I like to comment individually but they got away from me while I was at work and now the task seems overwhelming. Even though I feel like I'm being rude by not commenting I was kind enough to turn off the word verification so I should get good hostess points for that! I will be checking out all of your HNT posts this weekend.

As far as biting goes, Sweety is A-OK with it. I prefer being the biter as opposed to the bitee though. That is probably a good thing because he has a big mouth and could probably take my arm off if he gave it a good bite.

These sheets are what make my bed kick ass. I like to lie (lay?) in bed and pretend that I'm an ear of buttered corn. That is how good they feel.

I just caught Tiny dog with an empty Starburst package. There were no candies left in it though. I have a feeling that she got on the table and knocked them down and then Stinky ate the candies. There were only 4 in there so surely she will suffer no ill effects.

I might let Sweety go for some 75% nekkidness in the future. Maybe if I can get him into this picture taking thing I could talk him into upgrading the camera. Hmmm...

It was neat as hell getting off work last night at 9:00! That was my old lunch time. I'm really liking being home in the evenings. I do despise getting up in the morning though. I need to devote myself to the lottery more.

Right now I need to go back to bed!

Happy HNT! Weeee-haaaa!

Here Sweety is trying to talk me into more nekkidness for my photo. He was going for about 90% nekkid instead of just half.

Finally he got annoyed and told me that I was smothering his artistic talents. So this is how he arranged me.

Sometimes I like to bite.

Things That Creep Me Out

When a woman has toes so long that they hang over the front of her sandals.
Ack! You know the kind I mean, the ones that look like fingers. Please keep those things covered. Or have your shoes specially made.

Adults with tiny teeth.
When people have little bitty perfect teeth that look like pieces of white corn it freaks me out. I figure they need to have more jaw power to bite so if they wanted to they could gnaw my hand off real quick if they got the idea in their head. Or yank out my jugular vein before I could even blink.

When children talk in their sleep.
It always sounds like they're possessed or something. I imagine that their Dark Lord is using the time that they are unconscious to program them for the next day.

When I'm in bed and something dances across the roof.
My first thought is never "squirrel". It is always "gargoyle! a big one!". Even though this is probably impossible, it still makes my heart beat fast.

Sucky Service

Why is it that everywhere I go I run into fucking idiots?

I had the boys with me at the grocery store and we were checking out. The cashier looks at the lady behind us and tells her that she can't use her food stamps on the kind of milk that she's picked out. The lady tells here there was a sign up saying that she could. I tell the cashier that I'll buy the milk. The lady thanks me. The cashier proceeds to say "She's got a lotta milk. You sure you want to buy all that? She can take it back and get another kind." I assure her that I want the buy the 3 and a half gallons of stinking milk. The cashier kind of grumbles "Well, she'll just buy something else with her food stamps..." No fucking shit, Einstein. The lady had 2 or 3 little kids clinging on her and looked like she was ready to pop out the next one any minute. I understand that she will use her food stamps for something else! Maybe more food? Just check my shit out you old grouchy bitch. The old hag was fucking rude the whole time she was checking me out.

When we walked out the cashier was yammering in Spanish to the grocery sacker and LB told me "you know they're talking about you. look!" Good grief, people, just do your freaking job.

We got outside and the boys were freaked out with how the cashier had spoken to me. I told them that they just got to see the biggest bitch in the world and that we will NEVER shop at Food Lion again. And then I apologized for my use of the word bitch. It was better than letting the "c" word out of my mouth though.

I told the boys that if you have a chance to be nice and help someone out then you should do it even if other people don't understand why you are doing it.

BB said to me "Hey, you did something good so I bet something good will happen to you! Maybe we'll win our baseball game tonight!" Don't bet on it my little friend...

Sunshine & Light!!

Some days I'd like to just go away and live in a cave by my damn self. Today is one of those.

6:45 a.m. Sweety wakes me up with "Aren't you going to get up with me?"

7:00 a.m. Sweety wakes me up again.

7:01 a.m. I crawl out of bed grouching to myself. Look man, if you're gonna wake me up at 2 in the morning for nookie then let me sleep later. Sheesh.

7:10 a.m. LB(8) looks at me and whines "Do I have to take a lunch today?" Gee, I guess not you little mutant. I don't want to hear your whiny little voice any more so just get your backpack and go outside. He told me yesterday that he wanted to take a lunch but after I went and got lunch things he decided that he didn't want to. I think he wanted to take a brown bag and the stuff I packed had to be in an insulated lunch sack. Tell ya what kiddo, if you want to carry a peanut butter sandwich to school then you can just make it yourself from now on. The only freaking reason I went to the grocery store, in the rain, last night at 8 p.m. was to get things for his lunch. I have just excused myself from making lunches for the next 9 years.

And BB(10) was asking like a parrot if we were picking them up after school today or was their mom. It really doesn't matter. Someone will be there at the appropriate time to fetch your body that has just been pumped full of knowledge. Just eat your cereal and put your shoes on.

And Sweety was just in an all around pissy mood. He's had a really crappy cold and been stressed out with other things. He was annoyed because the boys didn't make their beds. They know they are supposed to make their beds as soon as their feet hit the floor. Maybe we could, oh I dunno, punish them? And he was aggravated because there was a bunch of papers and stuff in their backpacks and we couldn't tell if it was stuff that needed to go back to school or what it was for. It all kinda looked like trash to me. I think the boys are big enough to be responsible for their backpacks and the shit that needs to be in there. I think they should be able to remember what homework needs to come home with them and they should remember to put that homework back in their backpack and take it to school. And if they forget some homework then maybe we shouldn't take it to the school for them. One zero on a paper won't flunk them out of elementary school, will it?

And today's early release day so they get out of school at 1 instead of 2. Another one of the "perks" of my new schedule is that I will now be spending Wednesdays with the sprogs whereas before it was the one afternoon that I had to myself. LB has a ton of homework to do today. I simply cannot wait to get started on it!

I'm gonna go poke on my eye for a bit now.

Oh, I have talked myself into keeping the carpet shampooer. I just love it too much. It even has an attachment where I can clean upholstery and the car rugs with it. I must keep it. And Sweety said he'd pay for it so that helps too.

Now I'll go do some eye poking so everything else doesn't bug me as much.

Buyer's Regret

Today I purchased a carpet cleaner and now I'm thinking of taking it back. I got it on sale and I've figured I'll need to use it 4 times within the next 2 years before it pays for itself. But now I'm wondering if I really need something else cluttering up the house that I'll use rarely. And if I take it back, I can spend the money on Christmas presents. If I use it and then return it is that stealing? I thought so.

Sweety woke me up tonight and I was all pissy because I was having a dream where I was shampooing my carpets. I wanted him to get away from me so I could go back to sleep and finish cleaning the toy room floor. After I awakened fully I realized it was crazy to turn down sex because I wanted to finish my carpet cleaning dream. It is dream worthy though - it heats the water!

I'm just gonna return it and go rent one.

Rambling

Well, well...

I do believe that the new schedule will suit me just fine! It was nice getting home at 9:30 last night and getting to see Sweety for a few hours. And it was nice waking up this morning and not being all tired on my day off. I'm gonna miss leaving my podmates though. You get a more interesting mix of people that work overnights, in my opinion. I just saw a bunch of ladies on my new team. Not that I don't like ladies it's just that I think women are more likely to be mean and bitchy towards you than men are. Sweety was very happy to hear that the new team is full of women.

The boys got their asses whipped at their ballgame Saturday night. The umpire called the game in the 4th inning because there was no way they could stage a comeback. Everybody's all solemn in the car and I'm trying to cheer them up before we dump them back off at their mom's house so I say 'hey, it could've been worse'. And everyone just looks at me like I'm a simpleton and BB says "no, i don't think so. they beat us 14 to 1. we were so horrible that the umpire CALLED THE GAME. i don't think it could have been any worse." Sweety said the only way it could've been worse is if they made the boys play naked. I say it would've been worse if they didn't even score their one run. I'll be glad when the season is over.

When Sweety went to EW's house before the game to get the boys I guess they exchanged words. She came out and met him on the sidewalk and told him the boys were out of control at her house and he needed to tell them to be good. To EW I say - how about a nice big glass of "go fuck yourself - with a brick"? She didn't send LB to school on Friday because he was running a very slight temperature. She didn't want to give him medicine to bring it down and send him to school because she didn't want to risk having to pick him up later. Nevermind that the damn school is maybe 7 effing minutes away for her. Last year when LB was "sick" and didn't go to school she told him not to worry about what his Dad said because if he's at her house she makes the rules. But I guess when she can't enforce them she wants Sweety to. He told her that he was tired of always having to be the bad guy because the boys listen to him. He had a talk with the boys and told them to not give their mom such a hard time. He asked me what should he do if it doesn't work and I say not a damn thing. They don't have a bedtime over there, their teeth barley get brushed (the first thing we do when they come back here is Comet out their mouths) and she thinks that Sweety telling them to be good is gonna be worth a squirt of piss? Ha. I'm trying to think of some way to encourage incorrigible behavior over there; then maybe she'll just freak out and leave them here all the time. She's started babysitting over night and if she has charges when the boys are there then they are evicted from their beds to sleep on the floor so the paying customers can have beds. This kind of pisses me off. I'm wondering if it would be out of line if we sent one of those queen size air mattresses over for them to sleep on. I think the problem is that she doesn't have enough time to pay attention to them and they've decided bad attention is better than no attention. Stupid bint.

Whew, glad I got that off my chest. Now if I have to see her at tomorrow's ballgame I'll be able to be nice. Probably.

Tiny dog has really been chowing down on a lot of Stinky dog's hair. She took a poop last night and when Sweety brought her inside it was still HANGING OUT OF HER ASS!. I HAD TO PULL IT OUT! AAAAAGH!. It was about a 3 damn inch, poop and mucus covered Stinkydog hairball. (nice visual, eh?) I puked a little when I yanked it out. Sweety had to restrain her. Too bad we don't have a photo of that one. Gross gross gross. That's the nastiest thing I've ever touched. I may put a muzzle on Tiny and just take it off when it's time for her to eat.

I better go tidy up. Make the most of my newfound energy.