The Hounds

Stinky dog doesn't get written up here as much as Tiny because she just doesn't do as much.



Some of Tiny's hidden treasures are circled.

Tiny was puking into my hand while Stinky was lounging. She was on my lap and started to gag and I didn't want her to barf on the couch so I put my hand under her mouth. A wad of foamy spit came rocketing out. I think she ate a hairball and it made her ill but she's okay now. That was the nastiest thing that I've ever willingly touched.

Of Dogs & Kids

First off - Have you seen the photo that Bekah put up a couple of days ago? Go look! I love it!

I feel so sorry for the neighbor's dog. He's an excited terrier of some sort and the poor little guy is always restrained. They don't have a fenced yard so he gets tied up outside at 6:30 a.m. and comes into the garage to sleep in a crate at night. He gets untied and played with for maybe 30 minutes or so a day. And he barks constantly.

Now, I don't think everyone should be a super-fantastic pet owner like me and dress their dog in darling clothes and let it run the household but I don't think that a dog should always be restrained. What's the point of having a dog then? It's not like he's a guard dog. I may see if he can come over for a playdate with Tiny and Stinky in our yard sometime. It is my secret hope that maybe I can buy him from them at some point. They'll probably let him dry up and die on his rope before that happens though.

Last week, when the cuntofanExWife raised my hackles and Sweety took BigBrother for a walk to talk to him? At the end of the talk, Sweety asked BB if there was anything he could do to make his life better. Do you know what BB said? C'mon, just guess.
.
.
.
"You and mom could get back together."

I tried to not take it personally but for a brief moment after Sweety told me what he said - I wanted to give BB a suckerpunch and say "Thanks a lot, kid!". He'd like for them to be together because he thinks his mother wouldn't be stressed out about money. I'm glad that he didn't say that he wanted it to happen because he hates my guts.

The open house for BB's school was last night and I wasn't able to go because of my pesky job. (It had been planned for Tuesday night but was cancelled due to pesky tropical storm Ernesto.) And I was totally freaked out worrying "oh great, BB is going to see his parents together and start thinking about who knows what!". This whole stepparenting thing can be a real bitch sometimes.

Happy September, Everyone!

Thursday Already?

As you can see, Sweety was in a picture taking mood this evening.



Look for more of his great work in the weeks to come!

Have a lovely Half Nekkid Thursday!

Ta-Dah!

Here we go. I'm sure I'll use the other look again someday but this is a nice change. I'm still dinking with the template but looking at this makes me feel better.

Urges

For as long as I can remember, I've been afraid of heights. It's not so much the being high part that scares me as the fact that I feel compelled to fling myself off of high places when I'm there.

When I was around six years old I was with my parents and we were sitting on the edge of a cliff and watching some deer run down below. I remember thinking "Jump!". So I scurried away and sat in the car because I knew that it wasn't the best idea.

A few months ago we were at a basketball game and we were sitting in the nosebleed section (wayyyyy high up in the stands) and I just knew I was going to slip and fall so I may as well just toss myself down the stairs and get it over with.

I've been having the same sort of urge lately with my blog. I see the "delete blog" button and I'm dying to hit it. I'm sure that I won't but my finger is itchy to do so.

Don't You Want One?

Build your own poster here.

Another Wild & Crazy Saturday Night

The piece of shit can-opener that resides in this house must be replaced. Aaaaaagh! I almost gave myself a stroke with the anger that was just generated in opening 2 cans of fucking beans. Are beans worth dying for? I think not. Especially not the kind of beans that come out of a damn can.

I borrowed the Reverend's suggestion for building cornbread from the comments section of this post and I can't wait to eat some of it for breakfast tomorrow.

I'm taking advantage of Sweety's absence to watch The Hills Have Eyes. He's a big chicken and won't watch scary movies. Hopefully, he'll get home before I sit here and get too freaked out by it.

Stinky dog just sneezed and farted at the same time. This caused me to laugh until I started coughing and then I coughed hard enough to piss myself. Stinky & I are quite an attractive pair.

Sweety isn't home. He bowled today and then went with his buddies to eat and drink beer at one of those restaurants where they have scantily clad waitresses. He asked me if I wanted to go but I don't feel like looking at that much tit tonight.

Well, son of a bitch. I burnt the beans. I didn't really want to eat the shit that's stuck to the bottom of the pan anyway.

No Middle Ground

Sometimes, I wish I wasn't so black or white with things or people. Either I love you or I hate you and that's that.

If you are my friend then I will help you bury bodies or do whatever I can to cheer you up.

If you are not my friend then I will do whatever I can to make your life miserable. If you have wronged a friend of mine then you get this same treatment, even if I've never laid eyes on you. Even if it's just some tiny thing that will make you suffer a tiny bit - then I will happily do it and leave all guilt under the doormat.

Maybe I need some anger management or something.

Half Nekkid Again

What I see...



Happy Half Nekkid Thursday!

What's Raised My Hackles

Madden NFL 07 was released yesterday. BigBrother has been talking nonstop about this game for the past few weeks. He'd put $5 down on the game to hold it at the toy store when he was at his mom's house and she told him they'd get the game as soon as it came out.

Yesterday BB sends her an email and asks her is she's bought the game yet. Last night, she sent a reply saying that she didn't buy it yet but they definitely would be getting it.

This morning she calls Sweety and asks him to talk to BB about her bad financial situation and to explain to BB that he won't be getting the game at his mom's. She told him all about how she didn't have any money, her car payment is late, her rent is late, she's having to give up her computer and get the cable television turned off.

What the motherfucking fuck?

Isn't it HER job to talk to the boys about HER situation? And why would she send the kid an email saying that she was getting the game when she knew damn good and well that she wasn't? Was she expecting to shit out a gold brick sometime soon?

Sweety (being the master of nonconfrontation) told her that he'd let BB take the money out of his savings account to get the game.

As soon as BB got home from school today (before Sweety could talk to him), he sent her another email saying that they could get the game on Thursday after he gets out of school. This resulted in a voicemail to Sweety's phone from her wanting to know if he'd spoken to BB about not getting the game yet. Sweety didn't call her back and she sent an email to BB saying that his dad was going to talk to him about the game and about taking money out of his savings account here so he can buy the game there.

Sweety took BB on a walk to talk to him about things and do you know what he found out during the walk? BB does not even have a game system at his mom's house! So why is it such a big deal for him to have the game when he doesn't have anything to play it on? Needless to say, BB will not be pulling any money from his savings account to buy anything over there.

It just pisses me off that she asks Sweety to speak to the boys about stuff that she should be talking to them about. And it pisses me off that Sweety doesn't want to raise her ire by telling her how the cow ate the cabbage.

Things I'd Like To Say To The ExWife

"You reap what you sow."

"You're a fucktard."

"What goes around comes around."

"You made your bed, now lie in it."

"I want to stab you in the eye with a pickle fork."

Maybe I'll talk about what's pissing me off later when I'm not seeing red.
Or after I stab her with that pickle fork.

Dear Stinky Dog & Tiny Dog,

What is wrong with you guys? Don't you know that the whole backyard is fenced now just so you can play tag in the grass and shit on the lawn without me standing over your shoulders? So why, oh why, do you both insist on using the pool deck as a toilet? Do you not like the grass tickling your ass or what? Obviously, neither of you appreciates having a fenced yard.

Both of you nasty bitches are on notice: No more time to roam in the backyard freely. Get ready to get reacquainted with your leashes.

Love,
Mama

I'm Rotten To The Core

Have you ever volunteered for something and then immediately thought, "Why the hell did I just do that?"

The ExWife lives on the other end of town and it takes at least 25 minutes roundtrip for her to take the boys to school. BigBrother goes to school an hour after LittleBrother. Sooooo, I said, "Hey! To be helpful, ask EW if she just wants to drop BB off here after she takes LB to school and I'll drop BB off since we're so close to the school!" Within 30 seconds Sweety had presented the plan to EW and it was a done deal. And now I'm losing an hour of sleep 3 mornings a week. And it just occurred to me that I'll have to keep this up for as long as she lives so far away. Someday I will learn to keep my yap shut. I'll be glad when BB is old enough to drive and can take himself to school.

Let me leave you with a little something that's been on a loop in my head for the past several days:

(this needs to be chanted like a cheer and accompanied with big hand movements)

Ratshit batshit dirty old twat.
Sixty-nine assholes tied in a knot.
Hooray!
Lizard shit!
Fuck.

No question about it - my mind is a total sewer.

Too Lazy For A Title

Damn, I'm glad this day is over!

Thanks to everyone who came by and commented today!

About my pinky - That's something I inherited from my Grandpa. I can bend it so that it looks almost like a "r". My sister's is kind of crooked but not as much as mine.

Do you know what gets my goat? Mother-to-be parking spaces. I got a note on my car because I parked in one at work on Sunday. We have probably a dozen of those spots and I don't think we have that many knocked up chicks working on Sunday. If I find one of those spots at the mall or grocery store then it is my lucky day! Didn't women used to squeeze out babies while they were picking cotton or plowing the field and latch the baby onto their tit and finish their job? The only reason that I'd pass up a good parking spot is if it's labeled as a handicap space.

I spent some time today at work figuring out how I could get a pass into the Lactation Room. I've heard that nobody has ever used it but we have one anyway. I'd like to go in there and nap on my lunch break. I wonder, if I told my supervisor that I was being a wet nurse for someone if they'd let me go in there? Would I have to show bottles of breastmilk as proof of what I'd done or would they just take my word on it? I may have to investigate this a bit more...

Sweety's back is fucked up like a football bat from our little wax experience. I forgot to remind him to exfoliate thoroughly and a bunch of red angry things have cropped up on his back. It looks awful. When I see it, I want to reach up and scrub it with my newly grown fingernails til it's smooth. I know that that wouldn't be a nice thing to do so I've just been avoiding looking at his back.

Happy Half Nekkid Thursday!

I have been a nail biter my whole life. Not just a little bit of a nibbler either but gnawing them til they bled. But today marks 3 weeks that I haven't bothered them! I don't know why, but the urge is gone. I hope it stays away!



If you look closely, you can see that there's actually nail there. I've never had my own natural nails be long enough to go past my fingertips. By the way, the busted cuticle on finger 3 was not caused by nibbling but by a bit of over zealousness with the cuticle trimmer.

See my profile pic? Be a sweetie - go on over to 25 peeps and give it a click!

Have a good day!

I Bite

I have:
One basset hound barking her fool head off.
One chihuahua rubbing her asshole on my number 4 toe.
Two children sniping at each other.
One messy house.
One headache.

I don't need a baby. I need a valium.

Dead Grass & Babies

A new house was built in the neighborhood not too long ago. About 3 weeks ago brand new sod was laid down for the yard. And then, it wasn't watered. Here is the grass now. They turned on one of those little yard sprinkler thingys about a week ago and it has been on day and night. But guess what? That damn grass is STILL dead so quit watering it already! The house is for sale and I think they'll have a hard time unloading it with the yard looking like that. They should just spray paint the dead stuff green.

I'm working on getting Sweety on board the "Let's have a baby!" train. I have my work cut out for me. It's not like I want a kiddo nine months from now. Someday is close enough for me because before I'd been at 'probably never'. Hopefully, my eggs will stay nice and juicy.

I think I need a nap.

Reporting For Duty

Introducing the new breed of ninja/soldier/pop star



Quote from the niece:

"I'm a TINY bit of a tomboy, you know."

Make sure to check out the comments section to see where JediMacFan spotted her.

Tick Tock

I think I have a touch of baby fever. I've never had the urge to procreate and everybody I've spoken to has said that if I ever want a child that I'll definitely know it when the feeling hits.

I was at the school the other day and while watching a row of kindergarteners go by, the thought "wow, I WANT one of those!" smacked me upside the head. I sat there and got a little teary eyed and thought about how nice it would be to have a baby.

Why else would I be accumulating all sorts of baby related links in my favorites? Like these shirts and these socks.

And I've spent more time than usual peeking at the little bean. (Good grief. Just tell me that that kid isn't cute enough to eat!)

Maybe this is a side effect to turning 30? Maybe I'm worried that if I don't do this that I'll regret it later? I dunno. I'm gonna sit on the idea for a few months and revisit it in the near future.

Whoring

You may notice that the avatar has been changed. I'm gonna keep it that way til I get pushed off the 25 peeps page. This is amusing to me. So, be a doll, and click on the link and my photo over there if you come by!

Geez, you'd think that I'd get interested in something where I could maybe win some money or something.

Nasty habit #193 that Tiny Dog has picked up:

Licking Sweety's toes! I mean, getting down on them and bathing them thoroughly with her tongue. Ack! It makes me ill to see it. Sweety likes it though.

A Favor

Hey, go check me out on 25 peeps.
I'm wondering how long I'll make it there.

HNT is down below!

Happy HNT!

I'm actually all nekkid but Happy Half-Nekkid Thursday anyway!

Pssst! You can see here what poor Sweety looked like after his wax experience. He was so traumatized and worn out afterwards that he didn't even notice the camera flash go off. The red marks you see? Where I didn't get the wax quite hot enough. Practice makes perfect though!

Things That Freak Me Out

French manicured toes
I don't know why but something about seeing toes done like this makes me want to run.

Hyenas
I think if I were to run into one of these it would rip me apart. And laugh crazily while it was gnawing on my kneecap.

Pigeons
Just look at those scary orange-red feet! I've said that I don't like pigeons and would like to kick one - I think it's more that I'm afraid of them and want to kick one just to show them who's bigger. Don't EVER bend over to tie your shoelace around these birds because they will peck your eyes out.

Dear Sweety,

If your lovely wife has just had 6 shots of tequila - don't tell her that she couldn't throw something and hit the broad side of a barn. Because she will be able to smack you with a bottle of nail polish remover from across the room.

Have you forgotten that this is the same chick that you dared to poke your eye out with a carrot?

For the record, I don't advocate spousal abuse. He likes it. Really.

Agh!

When my kid brings home a packet of papers from the teacher listing all the classroom rules and whatnot - do you know what I expect in that paperwork? Stuff spelled correctly, proper punctuation and correct grammar. And it would be nice if you didn't come across as a total bitch once I did manage to decipher your writings. If you're gonna be a bitch then at least be one that can write sentences properly.

My effing head hurts from reading this crap.

Well, That Didn't Hurt

So turning 30 wasn't as bad as I thought it would be. I didn't have a meltdown like I did when I turned 25.

Thanks to everyone who stopped by with well wishes!

Sweety built a great dinner of steak and shrimp. I'm still stuffed like a tick and I tossed allotta wine on top of dinner. Yummy stuff.

Today was the first day of school and both boys came home with HUGE lists of school supplies that are needed in addition to the stuff that we were told to buy before school started.

When I was a kid, we just needed pencils, crayons and paper. AND we had to walk to school - uphill both ways and in the snow.

Just for the record, public schools in Florida suck. It's just too damn crowded. I am so glad that I went to a tiny school where you had the same kids in class with you for 12 years and all of the teachers knew who you were.

Good Night.

Still Busy Walking Down Memory Lane

This is Tiger.



We had him for 7 or 8 years. I learned with him that cats do NOT always land on their feet if tossed in the air. They will actually smack onto the garage floor and then be unconscious for a good half hour.

I was in the third grade when he died. I got off the school bus and he was laying on the side of the road in the dust. I thought he was playing a joke (cause we all know what big jokers those cats can be, huh?) and then I realized that he was dead. So the busload of kids got to witness me abandoning my bookbag in the ditch and running sobbing into the house with my limp cat bouncing around in my arms.

This incident served to prepare me for another cat disaster that would hit me years later.

Here I am with my Mom & Sister. I was around 15 or 16 there. One day, in a PMS rage, I gave myself a haircut. When a real hairstylist got finished fixing it, I was left with this. The hairstylist also gave me a perm when it was all short like that and poofed it up in an Elvis-like pompadour. Thankfully, no photos exist of that.



And here I am about a year after the previous photo. Don't you love those bangs?



The photo on the right? That's the one that my exhusband had tattooed on his back. It was the size of a saucer that you'd put under a teacup. I hear that he had a cover-up tattoo done over it after we divorced and the only thing that would cover it was a picture of an eight ball.

This is my favorite photo of all time.



That's BigBrother, Sweety & LittleBrother. This was taken at my Mom's house in Oklahoma in June of 2002. It was the first trip that we'd all been on together and I was really pleased that it went so well. We still go every summer and the boys still look forward to it.

Some More Looking Back

Grandpa with my sister and me. We loved that donkey. Rode it all over the pasture. He bucked one of us off once and my Grandpa sold him after that. My sister and I cried our eyes out.



Here's another one of Grandpa with Mom. When I was in Oklahoma in June, Mom told me a story about how one day she was mad at Dad (I think he'd been out drinking) so she put me in the stroller and took off walking along the highway. Someone saw her and called Grandpa (ah, the joys of small town living! everyone knows you!) and he came and picked her up. He asked where she was going and she said she didn't know. He told her that she was always welcome to stay with him and Grandma and that he understood why she was upset with my Dad. I think it hit Mom harder than anyone else when he died.



I was the only kid on the t-ball team to run to third freaking base instead of first base during a game. It is no surprise that I was the right fielder.



This was at the town's big Christmas parade. I don't know why my Mom looks so pissed off.



After the movie E.T. came out I pestered my parents for a doll. On my seventh birthday I got one. Still have him.



Heh, here we are on Halloween. Scary, huh?



Okay, I'm going to be in my twenties for 1 hour and 45 minutes more...

Looking Back

Naomi did a bunch of posts with photos from her life during the days leading up to her birthday and I thoroughly enjoyed them. I'm hitting the big three-zero on Monday and have decided to steal her fine idea.

Let's start at the beginning...



That would be my parents when I was only a glint in their eyes. I'm so thankful that I didn't get my Dad's ears.



About a week old there. I'm pretty sure that we were at my Grandma's house because of the towel on the couch. Grandma didn't ever own any furniture that she didn't drape in towels as soon as she got it home to keep it looking nice - not that you could ever see the furniture under all the towels.



That's one of my favorite blankets. It has been mended by my Mom numerous times and I still have it.



You can't see it too well but I'm holding a hairbrush. It seems that I had quite a hairbrush/comb fetish as a toddler. I'm holding or chewing one in many of the pictures taken of me as a wee one.



This is my favorite picture of me with my Dad. I'm glad that I grew up in the country where you could play outside and not worry about getting snatched up.



With my maternal Grandma and an Uncle and Aunt. Mom and me went to Korea for two months right before my second birthday. My first memories are from that trip. I hope to take my Mom back for a visit someday.

Fly On The Wall

Things that you would've heard in our house tonight:

It's not a fucking Christmas present. You don't need to peek under it and THEN yank it off. Just pull it OFF!

Go heat up the damn wax some more, bitch.

Ow ow ow ow! Mother fucker!

Thirty seconds! You're supposed to wait thirty seconds before you yank it off! How the fuck are you counting? One...two...three...thirty?

Hey, Donkey, do you even know how the count to thirty? I think that was only 17 seconds.


Sweety's back was waxed tonight! Big fun! For some reason, making him cry and eat his pillow just brings out the maniacal laughter in me.

The fact that I was laughing so hard that I was crying during the entire hour-long ordeal did not make him any happier.

I should open a salon.

I'm Here!

Just been busy sucking all the fun out of the niece's last days here. She left today and I'm so stinking sad. Sleep is definitely what I turn to when I feel bad. She was flying alone and I had to take her to the plane and then wait for it to take off before I could leave the terminal. As soon as she walked up the ramp and was out of sight on the plane I lost it. Bawled my eyes out. And then, I was REALLY sleepy. Like so sleepy that I could have laid down right there for a nap.

Yesterday we (the kiddos & me) went to Wonderworks. We'd never been before and had a pretty good time. We played laser tag and Sylvie and I got our butts kicked by the boys.



See that tunnel around them? It's spinning and all freaky looking because a black light is on. You feel like you're spinning when you walk across the bridge. This was the entrance into the place and it was like pulling teeth to get Sylvie to walk across it because she was sure that we were all going to be flipped off of the bridge. I just love the spaced out look on their faces.

Here's Sylvie on bed of nails. You lie (lay?) down on the bed and then the nails raise up and lift you. She freaked smooth out when the nails came out and tried to get off. The lady running the thing cut it short and we got her off pretty quickly.

One thing that I've decided: Our marriage would not make it if we had kids. I'd probably do what his ExWife did and go nuts about 4 years into it and say "I've gotta go! You take good care of them, okay?". It's a lot of work when there's a kid around all of the time. I am so looking forward to sleeping in past 8 a.m. this Saturday.

I've decided that it's okay to show the sprogs faces in my photos. I'd been blotting out their faces because for awhile Sweety was like "what if the EW finds your blog and is mad that you have pictures of them on it?" I found her MySpace and Yahoo journals the other day and she has no problem showing their faces there, so I figure I can't be chewed out for doing it too. She's such a maroon that she also uses her full-freaking-name as her URL and her late husband's name is easily found also as well as using the boys' real names. She is not very cautious "hi, molesters! i'm widowed and looking for love! these are my 4 beautiful children!" I'm tempted to email her and tell her that it might be a good idea to give herself a bit more anonymity but I'm pretty sure that any suggestion I made wouldn't be welcomed.

Oh, lemme show you what I've resorted to doing with that yapping hound...



She'll yip-yip when I'm in the shower and paw at the shower curtain when I'm bathing and I got tired of hearing it the other night. She shut the hell up when I put her on her perch. Does anyone else out there shower with their dog on a regular basis or is it just me? Is this weird? I think since she's small enough to not be in the way in there that it's okay. She doesn't even hardly get wet.

Bloggy Tour

I'm part of BooMama's Bloggy Tour of Homes. I did something about a year ago where I took some pictures of the house but for this I used new photos off my messy house. It's just too hard to keep kids alive AND keep the house clean.


The front door. We don't hardly ever use it because everyone comes in through the garage. It is a good place to hide and talk on the phone though!



Where I make my bloggy magic! This is probably my favorite place in the house.


The living room. That's Stinky dog in the corner. She wanted to get in on the photo shoot.




Those cans and bottle on the counter? Not trash! That's art! It took me DAYS to get those things arranged just right.



This is my favorite thing outside. Our new fence that Sweety built and the flower garden that he planted. I think it looks great!

And here are some pictures I took awhile back when my house was clean!

I Wish We Had 4 More...

School starts on August 7. I can not wait.

BigBrother is at an age where it is tons of fun to really torment LittleBrother and it's driving me crazy(and you know that it's a short drive). Constant picking. Incessant picking. We went to the park today and BB went down the slide and it was hot enough to burn him a bit. He came out all "ow! ow!" and all I could do was snicker and think "yeah you little turd. that's payback for being so mean to your brother!"

This year BB will be in middle school while LB is still in elementary. I think it'll be good for LB for them to be in separate schools. Last year, some of BB's friends would give LB a hard time since he was BB's brother.

And the pouting! Oh man, the effing pouting makes me want to gouge my eyes out. Makes me want to gouge their eyes out. I mean, c'mon... I'm taking you to a movie, buying you candy, and you're going to pout because of I don't know what?

I told the kids today that if they didn't straighten up that I'd barbecue them. That started a discussion of how would be the best way to cook someone and what kind of sauces would you use.

I don't care what the hell we're talking about as long as nobody is whining!

Itchy

*scritch scritch*

*scritch scritch*

(me, shining light from camera phone on Sweety to see if I can find the source of the scritching sound)

Sweety: What the hell are you doing?

Me: Ha! I knew it!

What?

That sound. That scritching sound. That's you scratching! Stop it. If you're making so much noise that I can't sleep then it's too loud.

Don't you have earplugs to keep noise out?

*scritch scritch*

*scritch scritch*

Geez, leave your butt alone.

It's my ass. Do you want a tour?



I love conversations with Sweety.

Sometimes The Legal System Works

These wastes of flesh were just found guilty as charged. Good.

Thursday will start the penalty phase for them. I hope they die horrible deaths.

Wow.

We had sex in the pool last night. Ohmygoodness! It was great! Lots of neat things you can do when you're weightless! I want to go to astronaut school now so I can snag a ride into outer space and do it in zero gravity.

As far as using the Today sponge for birth control - I had the hardest time pulling that thing OUT of me the next morning! It took all of 15 minutes. I was starting to think that I was going to need to go to the doctor to have a trained professional find it and yank it out. It will not be replacing my beloved birth control pills.

We didn't go to sleep til late last night and I was still snoozing at 10 a.m. Sweety encouraged my lovely little niece to howl like a banshee at the bedroom door to wake me up. I honestly think that was the most disturbing noise that I've ever been awoken to. I hopped out of bed like I was on fire and was wide awake in less than 2 seconds.

You need to go to the grocery store if you gut a koolaid pouch to mix with your vodka.









I love Stinky dog.

Friday Night Fun

She enjoyed herself.
She got to lick the crusty spaghetti off the walls.

Happy HNT!

LittleBrother, Sweety, Tiny Dog and niece Sylvie goofing around before bedtime.

I love days that end like this.

Happy Half Nekkid Thursday!

You Put What Where?

Yesterday I went to the pharmacy to locate some alternate form of contraception to use til my regular stuff gets here via mail. Whenever I buy anything and there are lots of brands to choose from, I must read the backs of all the packages to decide which one is the most powerful and will suit me the best.

I was totally overwhelmed in the contraception aisle of the store. I really didn't know there were so many things out there. Spermicide pills that you put in your coochie?! Spermicide SHEETS for your coochie?! I found both of those things interesting but what if you want to have sex for longer than the hour or 3 hours that they are good for? (Not that I'm planning a big fuckfest or anything but you never know...) I finally decided on the sponge thing (cause it's good for 24 hours! Sweety'll just have to nail the hell out of me so I get my moneys worth once I put it in.) and when I was standing up (since I was all crouched down to compare all the labels and make myself as inconspicuous as possible) I whacked my head on the display of thermometers.

Rectal thermometers rained down on me while making nice noises on the ground as they landed. I was worried that people would think I'd be having sex using the various forms of contraception that I was still clutching and would then be shoving a thermometer in someone's ass. Now that I think about it, rectal thermometers aren't the most embarrassing thing to be purchasing but I was rattled nonetheless.

Pirates Of Suburbia II

Maybe you thought that the only place to find them was in the safe confines of the living room?

Well, JediMacFan's eagle eye spied them in the middle of some new mischief.

Mr. JediMacFan, thank you for the hardest laugh that Sweety & I have had in awhile. We will tip our beers to you tonight.

Where Procrastination Impedes Recreation

My procrastinating self let my damn birth control pills run out! Agh! They won't be here til the 30th. I thought that I had another pack to go through but I was mistaken. I am so fucked. (ha, ha! not really!)

So, tomorrow I will carry myself down to the pharmacy to find some other form of birth control to use in the interim. I've never really used anything else so this should be a lot of fun.

Maybe I'll just buy Sweety a prostitute. That would probably be easier.

Pirates Of Suburbia

Modern Marvel

Have you seen those doors that have the buttons that you can push to open the door if you're handicapped? We have those at work. Once you push the button, you can't manually shove the door open - you just have to wait for it to slooooowly open up on it's own.

To the people that insist on hitting that fucking button to open the door because they are too lazy to open it themselves:

Knock it off already! Just open the damned door! Don't you people know it takes longer to wait for the son of a bitch to open on it's own? If you just used your hand to shove it open, you could be down the stairs and in the parking lot in the same amount of time that it takes to open up automatically. And another thing...If I'm walking a few feet in front of you and I'm pushing the door open, for the love of Pete, don't hit the fucking button! It makes the door STOP moving and I'm just shoving on it uselessly while the door pushes AGAINST me. You made fucking eye contact with me and could SEE that I was already opening the door. Did you think that I didn't see that handy little handicap logo on the button by the door? Did you think you were doing me a FAVOR by hitting that button? Lazy motherfuckers.

For the record, this isn't the first time this has happened. I hate to be on my way out the door and get behind a gaggle of people who want to push the button and then wait for the door to open up before walking through it. It's even better when you get about half-way through the doorway and it slams shut on you. I love it when that happen!

My Niece

This is Sylvie. She's 7 and has the energy of a category 5 hurricane. It's been 31 hours since she got here and I dread the moment that she leaves. I love her so much that I feel my heart hiccup when I look at her.

Can You Stop The Rain?

My niece, Sylvie(7), gets here today! She's flying down by herself from Oklahoma and will be here for 3 weeks. I can't wait to have her around. She lived with us for around 6 months awhile back and I really miss her!

We'd planned on having pizza tonight and then swimming but it's been raining off and on for the last few hours. I hope it stops soon. The Neighborgirls are here now so the boys are amused and not chirping at me every 5 minutes for something to do.

Sweety was changing his oil in the driveway yesterday. He just jacks up his car and then scoots under it. The jack fell and his car came crashing down - I thought his head was going to be popped like a grape but luckily, he's unscathed. There was a red mark on his back and chest where he got sqooshed but no major damage. When it happened I was shocked and just kind of gasped and he mentioned later that if it had hurt him that I'd have been useless. I told him I was waiting for that adrenaline rush that people get in emergencies so I could lift the car off of him but it didn't come. I'm going to get him some of those ramp things that he can drive his car up on so he can safely tinker under the car. I would really hate to step into the garage someday and find him mashed to death under the Civic.

If I go into the bathroom ONE MORE TIME and there is pee on the toilet seat! I will set the toilet on fire! Agh. Yuck.

We're kicking around the idea of trading my car (honda pilot, suv thing) in for something smaller that gets better gas mileage. We're at odds now over how many doors it needs to have. I want to get a 2 door something and Sweety said we need 4 doors because of the kids. How hard is it to flip up the front seat for them to get in? I figure, I only pick them up from school twice a week so we can go through the inconvenience of lifting up the seats a couple of times a week.

Tiny dog is such an unloyal little bitch. All the kids just came through the living room and she just launched off my lap to go follow them. Stupid dog, doesn't she know they're not going to let her into the bedroom? Ah, here she is back again, looking for some love...

BB(11) got his braces yesterday and he's really hating the fact that he must brush/floss after he eats anything. The EW didn't go to the office while he was getting them on and neither did I. LB(9) and I elected to stay at home and be dazzled by his braces once they were on. BB has always grouched about how crooked his teeth are and now that the braces are on he hasn't stopped grouching about wearing braces. If you were going to hang him with an old rope he'd ask for a new one, I swear.

Time To Get Serious

I expect my body (or my mind) to completely disintegrate on my 30th birthday. I've really got to start taking care of myself. I'm tired of feeling tired.

We went to see a movie (Pirates of the Caribbean - pretty good, btw) and about 1/2 way through the movie my back started to freaking hurt and then I felt like I was going to vomit. I did vomit and during that my fucking nose started to bleed. I mean, just poured blood into the toilet. This was the second nosebleed that I've had in the last month. I NEVER get those! I woke up a few weeks ago thinking that I had a runny nose and realized that I'd bled all over the place. I don't like seeing my blood. Especially when it's coming out of my head. This was the third really fiery backache and third puke session that I've had in a week. Sometimes when my back hurts really bad it will make me sick but it's never happened so often before.

So I am resolving to whip myself into shape. Not because I want to be skinny but because I'm tired of feeling crummy and I know if I lose some weight that it will help my blood pressure go down. I think the high blood pressure is part of what's been making me feel so rotten lately.

Being old and out of shape sucks donkey balls.

It Seems Plausible

'What will your obituary say?' at QuizGalaxy.com

I spied this over at Shannon's and had to nab it!

Life Is Good

Is there anything better than morning sex and then a crunchy pickle & cheese sandwich for breakfast? I think not.

Go check out the guest post at Sad and Beautiful World. It's about Pete's first Independence Day in America. I liked it.

It is time for me to call the insurance company and find out how much they're going to cover on BB's braces. I'm so excited just thinking about dealing with the insurance company's automated system and being on hold forever while waiting for a living person to answer my call! What fun!

Tired

Eating too much dinner, having a few drinks, developing a killer backache...

These are the events that cumulated into me puking my guts up on the side of the interstate last night. What made my roadside pitstop especially memorable is that I was standing in an ant bed and now have itchy, polka-dotted feet as a souviner.

Sweety rubbed down my back with some stinky pain reliever last night but my backache is back again today. Surely it will go back to wherever it came from soon.

BB(11) is getting braces day after tomorrow. I'm still agog at over how much that freaking costs. I've told him that once the braces come off that I NEVER want to look at him and not see teeth. He better run around grinning like the village idiot once his teeth are pretty!

The EW wants to be there when his braces are strapped on so I guess we're going to have quite a gathering at the orthodontist's office. Maybe I will bake her a cake since I like her so much.

Meet Chi Chi

My sister has a chihuahua, Chi Chi. Chi Chi's around 16 years old, going bald, is senile and has no teeth. The dog also has a huge coochie.



She weighs just under 3 pounds and I bet that sucker is heavy to carry around. It's about the diameter of a dime and pokes out around 3/4 of an inch. For comparison, Tiny dog is 5 pounds and hers looks like a pencil eraser.

Maybe coochies get bigger with age? Maybe gravity gets to them? I can't wait to see what Tiny's looks like in 15 years.

A Festive HNT

I was at my friend's house on the 4th (the friend with the blind, eyeless dog) and for fun we decided to dye her dogs blue and red. They were very pleased with how snazzy they looked. Well, except for the blind dog - but she did enjoy the extra attention.



I just flew in from Texas today and my arms are soooo tired.

Have a great Half Nekkid Thursday!

I'm Easy To Amuse

What I Did On Summer Vacation

Quiet Time

It's nice being on vacation with the family but after a week of togetherness it is nice to be alone. I'm staying in Texas til the 6th and Sweety and the boys are going home on the 2nd. They're at his sister's house til they leave and I'll be bouncing around on my friends couches.

It took about 5.5 hours to get here from my sister's house in Oklahoma today. By the end of the trip, I was ready to pull some tongues out. It seems that the boys can't stand to have silence so one of them must ALWAYS be talking. And if there's not any conversation going on, then they will talk to themselves.

Both riding in a car and eating makes me sleepy so I spent most of our driving time conked out. We stopped at Starbucks for breakfast (it was my first time ever dining or getting something from there) and I had a big espresso and promptly passed out once we got moving in the car. Sweety said I'm the only person he knows that can get caffeined up or eat breakfast and then go to sleep. Unfortunately, we can't choose our talents...

Something I've noticed while on vacation? I'm staying up much later than normal. I think that I don't want to go to sleep because I don't want my days (and vacation) to end.

Tiny dog is being missed something fierce. I may have to bring her with us next year.

Oh goody. I just realized that my computer clock is one hour ahead of Texas time so I just gained an hour!

I'll be getting home on the day that is our fifth anniversary. I don't have a clue as to what to get Sweety for a present. He said that a good gift would be me coming home but I feel like I should scrounge up something for him. I read that for the fifth anniversary you should get a gift made of wood or silverware. Maybe I'll use those guidelines to come up with something. Anybody out there got any ideas?