Dear Sweety,

If your lovely wife has just had 6 shots of tequila - don't tell her that she couldn't throw something and hit the broad side of a barn. Because she will be able to smack you with a bottle of nail polish remover from across the room.

Have you forgotten that this is the same chick that you dared to poke your eye out with a carrot?

For the record, I don't advocate spousal abuse. He likes it. Really.

Agh!

When my kid brings home a packet of papers from the teacher listing all the classroom rules and whatnot - do you know what I expect in that paperwork? Stuff spelled correctly, proper punctuation and correct grammar. And it would be nice if you didn't come across as a total bitch once I did manage to decipher your writings. If you're gonna be a bitch then at least be one that can write sentences properly.

My effing head hurts from reading this crap.

Well, That Didn't Hurt

So turning 30 wasn't as bad as I thought it would be. I didn't have a meltdown like I did when I turned 25.

Thanks to everyone who stopped by with well wishes!

Sweety built a great dinner of steak and shrimp. I'm still stuffed like a tick and I tossed allotta wine on top of dinner. Yummy stuff.

Today was the first day of school and both boys came home with HUGE lists of school supplies that are needed in addition to the stuff that we were told to buy before school started.

When I was a kid, we just needed pencils, crayons and paper. AND we had to walk to school - uphill both ways and in the snow.

Just for the record, public schools in Florida suck. It's just too damn crowded. I am so glad that I went to a tiny school where you had the same kids in class with you for 12 years and all of the teachers knew who you were.

Good Night.

Still Busy Walking Down Memory Lane

This is Tiger.



We had him for 7 or 8 years. I learned with him that cats do NOT always land on their feet if tossed in the air. They will actually smack onto the garage floor and then be unconscious for a good half hour.

I was in the third grade when he died. I got off the school bus and he was laying on the side of the road in the dust. I thought he was playing a joke (cause we all know what big jokers those cats can be, huh?) and then I realized that he was dead. So the busload of kids got to witness me abandoning my bookbag in the ditch and running sobbing into the house with my limp cat bouncing around in my arms.

This incident served to prepare me for another cat disaster that would hit me years later.

Here I am with my Mom & Sister. I was around 15 or 16 there. One day, in a PMS rage, I gave myself a haircut. When a real hairstylist got finished fixing it, I was left with this. The hairstylist also gave me a perm when it was all short like that and poofed it up in an Elvis-like pompadour. Thankfully, no photos exist of that.



And here I am about a year after the previous photo. Don't you love those bangs?



The photo on the right? That's the one that my exhusband had tattooed on his back. It was the size of a saucer that you'd put under a teacup. I hear that he had a cover-up tattoo done over it after we divorced and the only thing that would cover it was a picture of an eight ball.

This is my favorite photo of all time.



That's BigBrother, Sweety & LittleBrother. This was taken at my Mom's house in Oklahoma in June of 2002. It was the first trip that we'd all been on together and I was really pleased that it went so well. We still go every summer and the boys still look forward to it.

Some More Looking Back

Grandpa with my sister and me. We loved that donkey. Rode it all over the pasture. He bucked one of us off once and my Grandpa sold him after that. My sister and I cried our eyes out.



Here's another one of Grandpa with Mom. When I was in Oklahoma in June, Mom told me a story about how one day she was mad at Dad (I think he'd been out drinking) so she put me in the stroller and took off walking along the highway. Someone saw her and called Grandpa (ah, the joys of small town living! everyone knows you!) and he came and picked her up. He asked where she was going and she said she didn't know. He told her that she was always welcome to stay with him and Grandma and that he understood why she was upset with my Dad. I think it hit Mom harder than anyone else when he died.



I was the only kid on the t-ball team to run to third freaking base instead of first base during a game. It is no surprise that I was the right fielder.



This was at the town's big Christmas parade. I don't know why my Mom looks so pissed off.



After the movie E.T. came out I pestered my parents for a doll. On my seventh birthday I got one. Still have him.



Heh, here we are on Halloween. Scary, huh?



Okay, I'm going to be in my twenties for 1 hour and 45 minutes more...

Looking Back

Naomi did a bunch of posts with photos from her life during the days leading up to her birthday and I thoroughly enjoyed them. I'm hitting the big three-zero on Monday and have decided to steal her fine idea.

Let's start at the beginning...



That would be my parents when I was only a glint in their eyes. I'm so thankful that I didn't get my Dad's ears.



About a week old there. I'm pretty sure that we were at my Grandma's house because of the towel on the couch. Grandma didn't ever own any furniture that she didn't drape in towels as soon as she got it home to keep it looking nice - not that you could ever see the furniture under all the towels.



That's one of my favorite blankets. It has been mended by my Mom numerous times and I still have it.



You can't see it too well but I'm holding a hairbrush. It seems that I had quite a hairbrush/comb fetish as a toddler. I'm holding or chewing one in many of the pictures taken of me as a wee one.



This is my favorite picture of me with my Dad. I'm glad that I grew up in the country where you could play outside and not worry about getting snatched up.



With my maternal Grandma and an Uncle and Aunt. Mom and me went to Korea for two months right before my second birthday. My first memories are from that trip. I hope to take my Mom back for a visit someday.

Fly On The Wall

Things that you would've heard in our house tonight:

It's not a fucking Christmas present. You don't need to peek under it and THEN yank it off. Just pull it OFF!

Go heat up the damn wax some more, bitch.

Ow ow ow ow! Mother fucker!

Thirty seconds! You're supposed to wait thirty seconds before you yank it off! How the fuck are you counting? One...two...three...thirty?

Hey, Donkey, do you even know how the count to thirty? I think that was only 17 seconds.


Sweety's back was waxed tonight! Big fun! For some reason, making him cry and eat his pillow just brings out the maniacal laughter in me.

The fact that I was laughing so hard that I was crying during the entire hour-long ordeal did not make him any happier.

I should open a salon.

I'm Here!

Just been busy sucking all the fun out of the niece's last days here. She left today and I'm so stinking sad. Sleep is definitely what I turn to when I feel bad. She was flying alone and I had to take her to the plane and then wait for it to take off before I could leave the terminal. As soon as she walked up the ramp and was out of sight on the plane I lost it. Bawled my eyes out. And then, I was REALLY sleepy. Like so sleepy that I could have laid down right there for a nap.

Yesterday we (the kiddos & me) went to Wonderworks. We'd never been before and had a pretty good time. We played laser tag and Sylvie and I got our butts kicked by the boys.



See that tunnel around them? It's spinning and all freaky looking because a black light is on. You feel like you're spinning when you walk across the bridge. This was the entrance into the place and it was like pulling teeth to get Sylvie to walk across it because she was sure that we were all going to be flipped off of the bridge. I just love the spaced out look on their faces.

Here's Sylvie on bed of nails. You lie (lay?) down on the bed and then the nails raise up and lift you. She freaked smooth out when the nails came out and tried to get off. The lady running the thing cut it short and we got her off pretty quickly.

One thing that I've decided: Our marriage would not make it if we had kids. I'd probably do what his ExWife did and go nuts about 4 years into it and say "I've gotta go! You take good care of them, okay?". It's a lot of work when there's a kid around all of the time. I am so looking forward to sleeping in past 8 a.m. this Saturday.

I've decided that it's okay to show the sprogs faces in my photos. I'd been blotting out their faces because for awhile Sweety was like "what if the EW finds your blog and is mad that you have pictures of them on it?" I found her MySpace and Yahoo journals the other day and she has no problem showing their faces there, so I figure I can't be chewed out for doing it too. She's such a maroon that she also uses her full-freaking-name as her URL and her late husband's name is easily found also as well as using the boys' real names. She is not very cautious "hi, molesters! i'm widowed and looking for love! these are my 4 beautiful children!" I'm tempted to email her and tell her that it might be a good idea to give herself a bit more anonymity but I'm pretty sure that any suggestion I made wouldn't be welcomed.

Oh, lemme show you what I've resorted to doing with that yapping hound...



She'll yip-yip when I'm in the shower and paw at the shower curtain when I'm bathing and I got tired of hearing it the other night. She shut the hell up when I put her on her perch. Does anyone else out there shower with their dog on a regular basis or is it just me? Is this weird? I think since she's small enough to not be in the way in there that it's okay. She doesn't even hardly get wet.

Bloggy Tour

I'm part of BooMama's Bloggy Tour of Homes. I did something about a year ago where I took some pictures of the house but for this I used new photos off my messy house. It's just too hard to keep kids alive AND keep the house clean.


The front door. We don't hardly ever use it because everyone comes in through the garage. It is a good place to hide and talk on the phone though!



Where I make my bloggy magic! This is probably my favorite place in the house.


The living room. That's Stinky dog in the corner. She wanted to get in on the photo shoot.




Those cans and bottle on the counter? Not trash! That's art! It took me DAYS to get those things arranged just right.



This is my favorite thing outside. Our new fence that Sweety built and the flower garden that he planted. I think it looks great!

And here are some pictures I took awhile back when my house was clean!

I Wish We Had 4 More...

School starts on August 7. I can not wait.

BigBrother is at an age where it is tons of fun to really torment LittleBrother and it's driving me crazy(and you know that it's a short drive). Constant picking. Incessant picking. We went to the park today and BB went down the slide and it was hot enough to burn him a bit. He came out all "ow! ow!" and all I could do was snicker and think "yeah you little turd. that's payback for being so mean to your brother!"

This year BB will be in middle school while LB is still in elementary. I think it'll be good for LB for them to be in separate schools. Last year, some of BB's friends would give LB a hard time since he was BB's brother.

And the pouting! Oh man, the effing pouting makes me want to gouge my eyes out. Makes me want to gouge their eyes out. I mean, c'mon... I'm taking you to a movie, buying you candy, and you're going to pout because of I don't know what?

I told the kids today that if they didn't straighten up that I'd barbecue them. That started a discussion of how would be the best way to cook someone and what kind of sauces would you use.

I don't care what the hell we're talking about as long as nobody is whining!

Itchy

*scritch scritch*

*scritch scritch*

(me, shining light from camera phone on Sweety to see if I can find the source of the scritching sound)

Sweety: What the hell are you doing?

Me: Ha! I knew it!

What?

That sound. That scritching sound. That's you scratching! Stop it. If you're making so much noise that I can't sleep then it's too loud.

Don't you have earplugs to keep noise out?

*scritch scritch*

*scritch scritch*

Geez, leave your butt alone.

It's my ass. Do you want a tour?



I love conversations with Sweety.

Sometimes The Legal System Works

These wastes of flesh were just found guilty as charged. Good.

Thursday will start the penalty phase for them. I hope they die horrible deaths.

Wow.

We had sex in the pool last night. Ohmygoodness! It was great! Lots of neat things you can do when you're weightless! I want to go to astronaut school now so I can snag a ride into outer space and do it in zero gravity.

As far as using the Today sponge for birth control - I had the hardest time pulling that thing OUT of me the next morning! It took all of 15 minutes. I was starting to think that I was going to need to go to the doctor to have a trained professional find it and yank it out. It will not be replacing my beloved birth control pills.

We didn't go to sleep til late last night and I was still snoozing at 10 a.m. Sweety encouraged my lovely little niece to howl like a banshee at the bedroom door to wake me up. I honestly think that was the most disturbing noise that I've ever been awoken to. I hopped out of bed like I was on fire and was wide awake in less than 2 seconds.

You need to go to the grocery store if you gut a koolaid pouch to mix with your vodka.









I love Stinky dog.

Friday Night Fun

She enjoyed herself.
She got to lick the crusty spaghetti off the walls.

Happy HNT!

LittleBrother, Sweety, Tiny Dog and niece Sylvie goofing around before bedtime.

I love days that end like this.

Happy Half Nekkid Thursday!

You Put What Where?

Yesterday I went to the pharmacy to locate some alternate form of contraception to use til my regular stuff gets here via mail. Whenever I buy anything and there are lots of brands to choose from, I must read the backs of all the packages to decide which one is the most powerful and will suit me the best.

I was totally overwhelmed in the contraception aisle of the store. I really didn't know there were so many things out there. Spermicide pills that you put in your coochie?! Spermicide SHEETS for your coochie?! I found both of those things interesting but what if you want to have sex for longer than the hour or 3 hours that they are good for? (Not that I'm planning a big fuckfest or anything but you never know...) I finally decided on the sponge thing (cause it's good for 24 hours! Sweety'll just have to nail the hell out of me so I get my moneys worth once I put it in.) and when I was standing up (since I was all crouched down to compare all the labels and make myself as inconspicuous as possible) I whacked my head on the display of thermometers.

Rectal thermometers rained down on me while making nice noises on the ground as they landed. I was worried that people would think I'd be having sex using the various forms of contraception that I was still clutching and would then be shoving a thermometer in someone's ass. Now that I think about it, rectal thermometers aren't the most embarrassing thing to be purchasing but I was rattled nonetheless.

Pirates Of Suburbia II

Maybe you thought that the only place to find them was in the safe confines of the living room?

Well, JediMacFan's eagle eye spied them in the middle of some new mischief.

Mr. JediMacFan, thank you for the hardest laugh that Sweety & I have had in awhile. We will tip our beers to you tonight.

Where Procrastination Impedes Recreation

My procrastinating self let my damn birth control pills run out! Agh! They won't be here til the 30th. I thought that I had another pack to go through but I was mistaken. I am so fucked. (ha, ha! not really!)

So, tomorrow I will carry myself down to the pharmacy to find some other form of birth control to use in the interim. I've never really used anything else so this should be a lot of fun.

Maybe I'll just buy Sweety a prostitute. That would probably be easier.

Pirates Of Suburbia

Modern Marvel

Have you seen those doors that have the buttons that you can push to open the door if you're handicapped? We have those at work. Once you push the button, you can't manually shove the door open - you just have to wait for it to slooooowly open up on it's own.

To the people that insist on hitting that fucking button to open the door because they are too lazy to open it themselves:

Knock it off already! Just open the damned door! Don't you people know it takes longer to wait for the son of a bitch to open on it's own? If you just used your hand to shove it open, you could be down the stairs and in the parking lot in the same amount of time that it takes to open up automatically. And another thing...If I'm walking a few feet in front of you and I'm pushing the door open, for the love of Pete, don't hit the fucking button! It makes the door STOP moving and I'm just shoving on it uselessly while the door pushes AGAINST me. You made fucking eye contact with me and could SEE that I was already opening the door. Did you think that I didn't see that handy little handicap logo on the button by the door? Did you think you were doing me a FAVOR by hitting that button? Lazy motherfuckers.

For the record, this isn't the first time this has happened. I hate to be on my way out the door and get behind a gaggle of people who want to push the button and then wait for the door to open up before walking through it. It's even better when you get about half-way through the doorway and it slams shut on you. I love it when that happen!

My Niece

This is Sylvie. She's 7 and has the energy of a category 5 hurricane. It's been 31 hours since she got here and I dread the moment that she leaves. I love her so much that I feel my heart hiccup when I look at her.

Can You Stop The Rain?

My niece, Sylvie(7), gets here today! She's flying down by herself from Oklahoma and will be here for 3 weeks. I can't wait to have her around. She lived with us for around 6 months awhile back and I really miss her!

We'd planned on having pizza tonight and then swimming but it's been raining off and on for the last few hours. I hope it stops soon. The Neighborgirls are here now so the boys are amused and not chirping at me every 5 minutes for something to do.

Sweety was changing his oil in the driveway yesterday. He just jacks up his car and then scoots under it. The jack fell and his car came crashing down - I thought his head was going to be popped like a grape but luckily, he's unscathed. There was a red mark on his back and chest where he got sqooshed but no major damage. When it happened I was shocked and just kind of gasped and he mentioned later that if it had hurt him that I'd have been useless. I told him I was waiting for that adrenaline rush that people get in emergencies so I could lift the car off of him but it didn't come. I'm going to get him some of those ramp things that he can drive his car up on so he can safely tinker under the car. I would really hate to step into the garage someday and find him mashed to death under the Civic.

If I go into the bathroom ONE MORE TIME and there is pee on the toilet seat! I will set the toilet on fire! Agh. Yuck.

We're kicking around the idea of trading my car (honda pilot, suv thing) in for something smaller that gets better gas mileage. We're at odds now over how many doors it needs to have. I want to get a 2 door something and Sweety said we need 4 doors because of the kids. How hard is it to flip up the front seat for them to get in? I figure, I only pick them up from school twice a week so we can go through the inconvenience of lifting up the seats a couple of times a week.

Tiny dog is such an unloyal little bitch. All the kids just came through the living room and she just launched off my lap to go follow them. Stupid dog, doesn't she know they're not going to let her into the bedroom? Ah, here she is back again, looking for some love...

BB(11) got his braces yesterday and he's really hating the fact that he must brush/floss after he eats anything. The EW didn't go to the office while he was getting them on and neither did I. LB(9) and I elected to stay at home and be dazzled by his braces once they were on. BB has always grouched about how crooked his teeth are and now that the braces are on he hasn't stopped grouching about wearing braces. If you were going to hang him with an old rope he'd ask for a new one, I swear.

Time To Get Serious

I expect my body (or my mind) to completely disintegrate on my 30th birthday. I've really got to start taking care of myself. I'm tired of feeling tired.

We went to see a movie (Pirates of the Caribbean - pretty good, btw) and about 1/2 way through the movie my back started to freaking hurt and then I felt like I was going to vomit. I did vomit and during that my fucking nose started to bleed. I mean, just poured blood into the toilet. This was the second nosebleed that I've had in the last month. I NEVER get those! I woke up a few weeks ago thinking that I had a runny nose and realized that I'd bled all over the place. I don't like seeing my blood. Especially when it's coming out of my head. This was the third really fiery backache and third puke session that I've had in a week. Sometimes when my back hurts really bad it will make me sick but it's never happened so often before.

So I am resolving to whip myself into shape. Not because I want to be skinny but because I'm tired of feeling crummy and I know if I lose some weight that it will help my blood pressure go down. I think the high blood pressure is part of what's been making me feel so rotten lately.

Being old and out of shape sucks donkey balls.

It Seems Plausible

'What will your obituary say?' at QuizGalaxy.com

I spied this over at Shannon's and had to nab it!

Life Is Good

Is there anything better than morning sex and then a crunchy pickle & cheese sandwich for breakfast? I think not.

Go check out the guest post at Sad and Beautiful World. It's about Pete's first Independence Day in America. I liked it.

It is time for me to call the insurance company and find out how much they're going to cover on BB's braces. I'm so excited just thinking about dealing with the insurance company's automated system and being on hold forever while waiting for a living person to answer my call! What fun!

Tired

Eating too much dinner, having a few drinks, developing a killer backache...

These are the events that cumulated into me puking my guts up on the side of the interstate last night. What made my roadside pitstop especially memorable is that I was standing in an ant bed and now have itchy, polka-dotted feet as a souviner.

Sweety rubbed down my back with some stinky pain reliever last night but my backache is back again today. Surely it will go back to wherever it came from soon.

BB(11) is getting braces day after tomorrow. I'm still agog at over how much that freaking costs. I've told him that once the braces come off that I NEVER want to look at him and not see teeth. He better run around grinning like the village idiot once his teeth are pretty!

The EW wants to be there when his braces are strapped on so I guess we're going to have quite a gathering at the orthodontist's office. Maybe I will bake her a cake since I like her so much.

Meet Chi Chi

My sister has a chihuahua, Chi Chi. Chi Chi's around 16 years old, going bald, is senile and has no teeth. The dog also has a huge coochie.



She weighs just under 3 pounds and I bet that sucker is heavy to carry around. It's about the diameter of a dime and pokes out around 3/4 of an inch. For comparison, Tiny dog is 5 pounds and hers looks like a pencil eraser.

Maybe coochies get bigger with age? Maybe gravity gets to them? I can't wait to see what Tiny's looks like in 15 years.

A Festive HNT

I was at my friend's house on the 4th (the friend with the blind, eyeless dog) and for fun we decided to dye her dogs blue and red. They were very pleased with how snazzy they looked. Well, except for the blind dog - but she did enjoy the extra attention.



I just flew in from Texas today and my arms are soooo tired.

Have a great Half Nekkid Thursday!

I'm Easy To Amuse

What I Did On Summer Vacation

Quiet Time

It's nice being on vacation with the family but after a week of togetherness it is nice to be alone. I'm staying in Texas til the 6th and Sweety and the boys are going home on the 2nd. They're at his sister's house til they leave and I'll be bouncing around on my friends couches.

It took about 5.5 hours to get here from my sister's house in Oklahoma today. By the end of the trip, I was ready to pull some tongues out. It seems that the boys can't stand to have silence so one of them must ALWAYS be talking. And if there's not any conversation going on, then they will talk to themselves.

Both riding in a car and eating makes me sleepy so I spent most of our driving time conked out. We stopped at Starbucks for breakfast (it was my first time ever dining or getting something from there) and I had a big espresso and promptly passed out once we got moving in the car. Sweety said I'm the only person he knows that can get caffeined up or eat breakfast and then go to sleep. Unfortunately, we can't choose our talents...

Something I've noticed while on vacation? I'm staying up much later than normal. I think that I don't want to go to sleep because I don't want my days (and vacation) to end.

Tiny dog is being missed something fierce. I may have to bring her with us next year.

Oh goody. I just realized that my computer clock is one hour ahead of Texas time so I just gained an hour!

I'll be getting home on the day that is our fifth anniversary. I don't have a clue as to what to get Sweety for a present. He said that a good gift would be me coming home but I feel like I should scrounge up something for him. I read that for the fifth anniversary you should get a gift made of wood or silverware. Maybe I'll use those guidelines to come up with something. Anybody out there got any ideas?

I Heart Texas!

I have finally gotten to lovely East Texas! Woo hoo! I'm at a friend's house, waiting for her to get home. I can't wait to see all of my friends. (all 3 of them) Tomorrow, another friend is picking me up and we'll do some running around at our old haunts. I have promised Sweety that I won't drink enough tequila to incapacitate myself. I'm gonna be here til Thursday morning and that should give me plenty of time to visit everybody.

The friend I'm visting now has one whacked-out dog. The dog's a powderpuff chinese crested dog (she looks kinda like a mangy cotton ball) and she's blind. For awhile she was only blind in one eye and they put a marble in that eye (for some reason, I found that hilarious). Since she's blind in both eyes now, my friend has grown the dog's bangs out so you aren't looking at the empty sockets. She's also very nervous about the other dog that lives here so she just keeps her blind self hidden under the bed. She has some kind of toy that she thinks the world is after so she must protect it under the bed. Sometimes I like to call and call to the dog on the answering machine just to imagine how much it freaks her out.

We got totally eaten up by chiggers and mosquitoes while at my Mom's house. We rented a cabin at a park and brought bug spray but neglected to use it. I am an itchy mess.

It took for freaking ever to load my half nekkid post. It took two tries and about 30 minutes to download the photo. My Mom came outside when Sweety was getting ready to take the photo and I had to explain the "half nekkid thursday" thing to her. She now thinks there are a lot of crazy people on the internet.

I'm gonna go bond with the blind dog now.

Greetings From Oklahoma!

My favorite part of being in Oklahoma? Being able to get half nekkid in the yard and nobody can see!



Happy HNT!

Middle Of Nowhere

We're at my Mom's house in Oklahoma. There is no cell phone access for us and for me to connect to the internet, I have to use a long distance number. And when I go outside the only people to see are cows. I love it here.

Bekah - Thank you for your invitation to lunch but we flew to Dallas and then drove here. But if we ever make that long-ass drive, you can bet I'll meet you for lunch. And drinks.

Best quote from our trip so far: Sweety and BB(11) are watching t.v. when a Viagra commercial comes on. "What would you DO with it for FOUR HOURS?" asks BB. Sweety just laughed and left the room.

I'll holler at the internet next Friday when I get to civilization (Texas) and don't have to pay for internet access!

Adios!

Thankyouandamen! My vacation has arrived! No more work til July 7! This time tomorrow, I will be at my Mom's house in Oklahoma and I am sooooo looking forward to it. We're going to stay at her house a few days and then go to Texas for a few. Sweety and the boys are coming home on the 2nd but I'm staying in TX til the 6th to visit with my buddies.

I see lots of drinking and gin-rummy playing in my future. And good Mexican food! And barbecue! My diet can just go and fuck itself for the next couple of weeks.

Two big things that I'll miss while being away: our bed and wireless internet service.

I shampooed the carpet the other day and meant to go back over it before we left but it's not going to happen. I'm sure the carpet will still be here when I return.

I'm really hoping that Tiny Dog doesn't go back to her old wall eating ways. I'd hate to have to smack a bitch down as soon as I get home. Last year when we were on vacation was when she started that hole and she hasn't bothered it since it was fixed. Hopefully, Neighborgirl will pay the canines enough attention so they don't feel the need to tunnel out of the house.

And I am feeling TREE-MEN-DOUS guilt over not taking Tiny with us. But I think Stinky would really miss her (or maybe she's appreciate the break from her wacky little friend?) and I'm afraid that she would sneak out of my Mom's house and get eaten by an owl or some other critter. And that would really put a damper on the rest of the vacation.

I'm supposed to be packing for all of us but I've hit a snag. BB(11) has next to no pants here. He says there aren't any at his mom's and he can't drive so I know he hasn't toted his clothing off somewhere so where the hell are they? He may have to recycle the same 3 outfits while we're away.

I better go finish getting our ducks in a row.

But via the magic of painfully slow dial-up service, I'll probably be doing some posting while we're on the road.

*cough* *sneeze* *gag*

Too sick for HNT. I thought I had allergies but it seems like the bird flu.

If I make it, look forward to a GLORIOUS HNT post from Oklahoma when I'm there next week.

And my damn panties are giving me a wedgie too. This day is gonna suck donkey balls.

Out & About

This was done when BB(11) and I went to Universal and Islands of Adventure last week. Sweety thought it was a nice touch that the artist gave me cleavage even though you couldn't see any in the shirt that I was wearing.

I Thought It'd Be Funny

If you're kissing on a penis and your nose starts to run: The penis owner will NOT think it's cute if you wipe your nose on the side of his weenie. Even if it's just a little bit of the kind of snot that's clear. He will run away screaming and traumatized.

Sometimes my sense of humor is a bit off.

Fat Rat

Heh, I made out like a bandit this weekend. We went to the jewelry store and mall to get our jewelry checked for loose stones. While we were there we were kind of talking to the saleslady and her customer. When saleslady was checking out customer I heard her say "If you want to give your leftover coupons to those nice people behind you, I won't tell." My ears pricked up and I moseyed in to investigate. Turns out that the customer had $800 in coupons that you could use on anything as long as it was twice the cost of the coupons. And I've (I mean, Sweety & I) have been wanting to upgrade the diamond on my ring. We'd already upgraded it once in making the climb up the ladder to what I've had my eye on my whole damn life. When I'm in the jewelry store I get all nervous and sweaty and I babble a lot. So when I was smacking Sweety on the arm telling him to take the coupons he just thought I was talking crazy and drug my sweaty self out of there.

About 15 minutes later (after I coherently explained to him what the coupons were for) he told me to go back and see if the lady with them was still there. If she was it was a sign to upgrade my ring. She was and we did. Since it needed to be sized I don't have it yet but I have been looking at the diamond certification in the meantime.

And after he spent money on that he felt like buying something else so we got a new bedroom comforter set and some sheets. The sheets were sorely needed because there is a huge hole in the old sheets on the side I was sleeping on. I hated to buy a whole new set because it was just the fitted sheet that was ripped and when I go to TX a friend of mine is going to mend it but Sweety said he it was ridiculous to buy a compressed dinosaur and then go home and sleep on a ripped sheet. I'm still taking the ripped sheet with me on vacation so my friend can fix it - I'm attached to it.

Ew. I just spit out the biggest snot wad EVER. I spat it into the sink and it tried to say something but I hit it with a wooden spoon before pulverizing it in the garbage disposal. My sinuses are seriously effed up right now. Coughing, snotting and sneezing all over the place. I think I feel better today than I did yesterday. Really. I do. Or maybe I'm just trying to convince myself?

I figured out a way to fix it so I can surf my blogroll on my cell phone! Whooppee! I had to make another blog with just the blogroll on it and now I can read all day (or when I'm on a scheduled break) at work. I can't comment anywhere because it's just too hard to do with that tiny keypad but just reading keeps me amused. So a big "Thank you" to everyone that lives on my blogroll - you're helping to keep me from going postal at my job.

I've gotta go finish shampooing the carpet and then I pick BB(11) up from his mom's to go to the orthodontist and after I drop him off I pick up LB(9) to go miniature golfing. What a relaxing day off that I'm having!

Equal Opportunity

I don't care what country you are from or what color you are or what kind of accent you speak with or whether or not you have a good grasp of the English language...

If you are stupid then my patience will be very thin.

And that is all I can really say about the issue.

Not Much Here

I only have to work 4 more days between now and when I go on vacation on the 23rd! Woo hoo! And then, I'll be off for 15 days! BIG WOO HOO!

LB(9) didn't go to the theme park with us on Wednesday because he didn't want to ride the roller coasters so I told him that just me and him would do something next Tuesday. It turns out that they're going to be at their mom's since we'll be leaving on vacation on Friday but she was kind enough to agree to allow me to pick him up from her house Tuesday for some fun ant then I'll take him back to her that night. I'm glad that Sweety was able to work that out with her because LB was pretty crestfallen when he was told that I couldn't take him somewhere because he wasn't going to be at our house. I think we're going to go to a big miniature golfing place and then for pizza somewhere. I like doing things with the boys individually sometimes because we have better conversations than when they're together picking at each other.

The lovely Naomi aka OldOldLady of the Hills is doing something neat to celebrate her birthday month. Each day she's posting pictures from her life and stories. I'm the nosy sort of person that likes to pore over peoples photo albums and baby books and year books so I'm really loving these posts. I think I'm going to do something like that before my birthday in August.

It seems that I had something of great importance to say but it has left my head. Maybe it will return soon.

Self-Hobbled

BB(11) and I went to Universal Studios and Islands of Adventure today. We got there at the 9 a.m. opening and left at 9 p.m. (For the mathematically challenged - that is TWELVE hours on my feet.) Guess what kind of shoes I wore? Flip-flops. What the hell was I thinking? Usually, I wear sneakers on a trip like that but the flips are comfy around the house and to the store so I thought they'd do for an all day trip where I'd be tromping across concrete.

I was sorely mistaken.

The balls of my poor feet are all blistered up now. They started to blister about 30 minutes into our trip but I figured "Eh, it's too far from my head to kill me." I soldiered through the fiery pain so we wouldn't have to cut our trip short. I didn't think it would be fair to rain on BB's parade just because I didn't have the good sense to wear proper footwear.

We did have an awesome time! Got to ride everything that we wanted to and some new things too. (By the way, if you're ever going to either of these parks: It is so worth the extra $20 to get the Express Passes! No long lines!)

He said it goes down as one of his best days. Mine too :)

Note To Sweety

If your lovely wife buys you tickets at a horribly inflated price to a baseball game that you want to go to - don't fucking call her REPEATEDLY at 1 a.m. in a beer fog to pester her. Just don't.

There are some dog butts that need a good scrubbing with a toothbrush.
I must go now.

Sloth Personified

I've spent approximately 9 hours in bed today. Either dinking on the computer or napping. I'm getting bedsores but that's okay because Tiny likes to eat them. And if it makes Tiny dog happy, then it makes me happy.

It seems that the neighbors that are 2 houses up the street can see into our backyard if they are in theirs. I realized this when I traipsed outside nekkid-as-the-day-is-long to let the dogs out. I'm pretty sure that I was spotted because when I went back outside to let the dogs in the neighbors were all turned around on their back porch looking in my direction. Oh well.

A large chunk of my time on the computer has been spent fussing with my template. As you can see, it's still the same so that was 3 totally wasted hours. Does anyone out there know how to make a drop-down box for your blogroll? I found out how to make a drop-down archives list but I don't want to do just that - I like stuff to match.

I kicked around the idea of getting my eyebrow pierced today but Sweety torpedoed the idea. It's something I've been wanting to do for awhile but not if he's going to scowl every time he looks at me. It wouldn't be worth the extra aggravation. I know when to pick my battles. But perhaps I will get a new tattoo when I go to Texas. Heh, maybe I'll say "fuck it" and do the eyebrow while I'm there.

Wow, I'm starting to seriously hurt from all this laying down. I must go find some other position to lounge in.

Notes

Stinky & Tiny Dog,

Since you were home alone today while I was at work, I now know it is possible for you to hold your bladders for at least 12.5 hours. No more of this getting up in the middle of the night for a piss, okay?

Love,
Mama

*

To the Gargoyles/Monsters prancing on the roof:

Please stop. You're making me go crazy and it's not a long trip.

Signed most humbly yours,
The naked chick cowering under the bedspread

*

Sweety,

I hope small children are poking your nostrils while you try to sleep.
I hope you have fun.
I hope your plane doesn't crash.

Love,
Chickie

*

Dear Tiny Green Grass Plugs,

Please don't die while Sweety is gone and you are under my care! I know I only watered you once today instead of twice, but I promise to water you extra tomorrow to make up for it.

Sincerely,
Not a Green Thumb

*

Blogger,

It would be nice if you wouldn't eat my posts.
Have I done something to anger you?

Chickie

*

Dear Internet,

Sweety is gone this weekend to a bowling tournament in Texas. I thought I was looking forward to being home alone but I was mistaken. I spoke to him earlier and I guess he's sharing a room with our friends kids; A mean part of me hopes that the kids talk a lot in their sleep or sleepwalk. That would be a nice payback for Sweety's snoring self.

I will tell you a secret:
When I'm home alone, I drink right out of the containers.

Happy HNT!

Mending BB(11) after his head whacking incident.



It's not healing as quickly as it should because we haven't kept him out of the pool as much as we should. No more swimming til his noggin is healed! And you see those shorts that Sweety has on? Those actually belong to BB. Sweety's been watching what he eats and exercising and it's starting to show. Go Sweety! :)

And here are the angels poking some innocent lobsters. It wasn't bad enough that we were going to boil them - I had to keep the boys from tormenting them during their last hours.



Have a Happy Half-Nekkid Thursday!
And if your Thursday seems to be unhappy: At least you're having a better day than the lobsters.

Stupid Pool & Mighty Dog

The dumbass pool inspector for the city came by this morning. At 7:48 a.m. We were told yesterday that he'd be by after 8 a.m. and that he'd call first. But he didn't call and when BB knocked on the bedroom door to let me know that he was here, I didn't wake up because I sleep with earplugs in. And of course, we failed the inspection! It seems that the dumbass pool company didn't have our electrical work done properly and the water level in the pool was a 1/2 an inch too shallow due to a small leak in the pool. I will be soooooo glad when the pool is totally done with and I can quit worrying about having strangers in my backyard!

Just so you know, you haven't lived til you've seen a chihuahua stare down a couple of lobsters.

Wasted Day

The boys and I were confined to the house today because we'd been told that the city code inspector would be by (between 8 a.m. & 3 p.m.) to inspect our pool enclosures and that we needed to be here so he could check the alarms inside the house. So we were here all freaking day long and when Sweety got home, we saw that the inspector had come by and put a note on our fence saying that we failed the inspection because he couldn't get into our backyard. WTF? Why didn't you knock on the damn door, you knothead? So Sweety calls the city office and gets the guy's cell phone number.

Sweety: It says here that we failed. Why is that?

Inspector Dumbass: I couldn't get in the gate.

Sweety: Well, isn't that what the city wants? People NOT coming in and drowning in our pool? There is a latch on the inside if you reach over the gate.

ID: Huh?

Sweety: My wife was here all day and didn't hear you knock on the door. Did you knock on the door?

ID: No. That's not how we do things. The gate needs to be open so we can inspect it.

So how the hell was he going to check the alarms inside our house? Squeeze in the effing window once he got into the back yard? So, he's supposedly coming tomorrow and will call and let us know what time so I'm not stuck here all day long.

I swear that between the boys picking at each other and Stinky dog "woofing" her fool head off - there wasn't more than 74 seconds of consecutive silence all day.

Happy 666!

Maybe I'm wrong about there not being a God because I've seen proof of Satan's work.

I am certain that both boys are possessed. The small one has tiny horns and the big one is hiding hooves instead of feet.

Further evidence:
Shrieking voices that could have only originated in Hell.
The unmistakable odor of sulphur and brimstone whenever they are near.

The dogs and I are going to go round up some holy water and chicken blood so we can perform an exorcism. And silver bullets. I think this exorcism will need lots of silver bullets.

Are We There Yet?

On the 23rd of this month we'll be going on vacation and I am SO READY for it. It'll be nice to have a few days to slug around on my Mom's couch and walk around petting her hair.

Sometimes, when I get stressed, I poop. A lot. Friday at work I got all freaked out about something work related and came home to evacuate endlessly in the comfort of my own home. I can only hope that my leaving early combined with the work related thing won't result in something bad. I'm pretty sure that I'm suffering from some major burn-out at work. It's been said by supervisors that the position that I'm in (customer service for the credit card) isn't one that is meant to be a long term position and that most people leave after 2 or 3 years. I'm going on 5 right now.

We welcomed a new cell phone to the family yesterday: A Sony Ericsson w600i. He is beautiful. I spent all day at work today rubbing his lovely orange exterior. Of course, I did NOT spend all day reading blogs on his tiny screen under my desk because that is against the rules... And even if I had, that will be a short lived bit of fun because the unlimited media package is only free for a month and then we have to pay for it and that won't be happening here. But there are some nifty games on there to help pass the time. (And I'm also NOT playing those at work because that would be against the rules too.)

Did anyone else out there see Big Love? That show kicks ass. I don't care what you think about that sort of thing - it's a good watch.

Could Stinky dog snore any louder? I think not.

A Poem

I'm calm now. No cursing like a sailor here.

Road Rage Rant

I curse a lot when I'm livid.

Sign of the Times

In 2 months and 6 days, I will be 30. Woo hoo.

I don't think I mentioned it, but one reason for getting my hair highlighted was to help hide the gray. A couple of weeks ago, I noticed that the most time consuming part of getting ready to leave the house was the plucking out of gray hairs.

Imagine my dismay as I was toweling off after my shower tonight and spotted 2 of those gray things living happily on my coochie. For Pete's sake, I'm just not ready for a gray coochie. I yanked those suckers out and I will be shearing the whole area tomorrow.

I apologize if this was TMI but I had to tell somebody.

HNT: A Twofer!

Me & the girls after some beauty sleep.



And Sweety (emotionally half-nekkid), drunk and making kissy faces at the camera.

Whoa, Sweety just put his manly bits on the laptop screen to get my attention.
I must go now. I've got things to do!

Happy Half Nekkid Thursday!