It's Friday! It's Friday!

Some of you asked when I'd see my niece again in yesterday's comments - It'll be this summer. Hopefully, she'll come down for 3 weeks like she did last summer. I talk to her a lot on the phone but that's not that same as hugging on her!

I'm off on New Year's Day! Woo hoo! Unfortunately, I have to work til 9 p.m. on New Year's Eve but 3 hours should be plenty of time to ring in 2007.

One of my friends sent over some fudge yesterday. Holy crap, Batman, it is good! Have you ever heard of Key Lime fudge? Me either but it is tasty. I just had some of the peanut butter flavored along with a glass of milk. *insert lip smacking sound here*

I am so freaking glad that today is Friday! Surely the day will go by quickly. I've got a new book (Stephen King's Lisey's Story) to read at work and that helps the time pass. I'm about half way through it and I really like it. I'm actually reading slower than I need to in order to make the book last longer!

Poor Stinky and Tiny are getting over a minor flea infestation. They were bathed thoroughly yesterday and Sweety's going to bomb the yard for fleas today. I feel bad because for the last 2 days I've been snapping at Stinky to "quit fucking scratching!" and at 3 this morning it hit me to give her some Benadryl. Now we have one sleeping, not scratching madly Stinky dog in the corner! Tiny is too small for Benadryl so I gave her a placebo (rolled up cheese) and it seems to have worked for she is no longer scratching either and is asleep in Stinky's armpit.

My Favorite HNT Of 2006

This picture was taken when my niece visted in July.



I adore both of the little rascals and can't wait to see my niece again!

You can find more encore presentations of HNT goodness here.

Happy Half Nekkid Thursday!

Finish The Sentence

01. I've come to realize that my ex...isn't someone to totally despise.
02. I am listening to...two boys whine and pick at each other in the next room.
03. I talk...in spurts.
04. I love...Sweety.
05. My best friends...are too far away.
07. I lost...a good friend this year.
08. I hate it when people...lie.
09. Love is...a nice snuggle on a cold morning.
10. Marriage is....a job.
11. Somewhere, someone is thinking...Who am I?
12. I'll always be...sarcastic.
13. I have a crush on...Angelina Jolie and Jude Law.
14. The last time I cried was because...I was homesick.
15. My cell phone...is great! I love it!
16. When I wake up in the morning...I always hit the snooze button.
17. Before I go to sleep at night...I put my earplugs in.
18. Right now I am thinking about...putting the sheets in the washer.
19. Babies are...good to pet.
20. I get on MySpace...every day or so.
21. Today I...am home with the kids because they are out of school.
22. Tonight I will...go to bed early. Really.
23. Tomorrow I will...go to work and delight my customers! Woo hoo!
24. I really want...to be happy.

Meme generously provided by BeckyD at Welcome To My Life, Sorry About The Mess.

TGIFO!

Or "Thank Goodness It's Finally Over!"

Bye, Christmas! This year, I was glad to see you go!

The Christmas spirit just didn't invade me this year. I've been pretty homesick this past week or so. My Mom called me yesterday and I cried when I got off the phone. I'll be glad when this summer gets here and I get to visit her and my sister.

My gift to Sweety was a flight simulator game that he'd been wanting. I didn't realize when I bought it that you could also get a joystick controller to use with it. Last night, (with just having the keyboard and mouse to use to "fly" his plane) he played with it for maybe 30 minutes. Today I went and got him the joystick and he's been at the computer for the last 3 hours. Whenever he comes out of the back room, he's all flushed and smiley. Glad that he likes it!

It's cold and windy here right now. Why is it that the moment I take Tiny Dog outside to piss that she's gotta plop down and lick her coochie? I'd think that the cold wind on the spit would be uncomfortable on it. Or maybe she just likes killing time and watching me shiver as I try to get her to pee? Rotten dog. I should hook her up with a catheter. That'd teach her!

Took the sprogs to see Night at the Museum today. It was good. Anything that I can take them to see that is watchable with no cursing in it gets an "A" in my book.

Time for bed. I have to get the house in order tomorrow and must be well rested for it. It's hard work, cracking the whip and making the boys do things.

Does the ringing in my ears bother you?

Thanks for coming around. Merry Christmas to all!

Bink! Bink! Bink!

Bink!

I like to say that when I've been drinking. Whenever my feet hit the floor - "Bink!" (in a really high pitched voice)

It's been a crappy bit that I've slogged through and I'm blowing off (heh, I wrote "blogging off") steam tonight.

Sweety grilled me when I came home. He noticed that my blog posts have fallen off lately and thought that I was doing some top secret blogging elsewhere. He didn't know that I've been spending all my free time sleeping and eating cereal instead of blogging.

Christmas songs have been running through my head today. I even caught myself singing some of them. Silver Bells...Silent Night...That song that goes "have a holly jolly Christmas... And then on my way home all I could hear was the "Gin and Juice" song by Snoop Dogg. I leaned way back in the seat of my SUV and pretended that I was a gangster on my way home.

I might look up what to drink gin with. (Hey, Mike! How do you drink yours? For real.) I held a bottle in the store tonight but didn't get it because I've never drank it before and didn't know how to drink it. I stuck with what I know. Tequila.

Yum. Must find food. And more tequila. And I need to corner Sweety to pet.

Free Porn!

Go to ten.com and enter in this information:

username: sbayer
password: rushmore

They send you a free trial for 2 hours worth of time. You don't have to use the 2 hours at once. You'll need to use an email service other than AOL because AOL is run by people who want to squash fun and they block the email from ten.com.

Christmas came early this year!

Hotbed Of Infection & Irritation

BigBrother has been sick (and out of school) for the past two days. I guess we're passing this flu-like stuff around. Even the dogs seem slow. LittleBrother had it last week but didn't miss any school. It seems to have hit BB a bit harder.

Last Wednesday we told LB if he didn't go to school on Friday (the only day of the week that his mother has to deliver him to school) that he wouldn't get to play in the football game on Saturday. Yesterday, the ExWife calls Sweety to tell him that BB is sick and she says that she doesn't appreciate him threatening her son and what makes Sweety think that LB wouldn't go to school when he's at her house? What.The.Fuck. I dunno, maybe it's your past track record of NOT taking him to school because he whined his way out of it? Looky here, you fucktard - it wasn't presented as a threat, we just let him know what would happen if he didn't go to school. Have I mentioned that I'd like to scrub the EW's face right off?

I told Sweety that he should've told her that he didn't appreciate her introducing his sons to every guy that she happens to fuck. I really like that she'll meet someone and have them stay over at her house when the boys are there. If she was serious with someone I could understand it but that doesn't seem to be the case. I just think she should get laid every other weekend or on Monday, Tuesday or Wednesday when the boys aren't there. Maybe she could use the time when they are there to visit with them?

I just had to make copies of Sweety's divorce decree so she can pick it up. He keeps getting letters from the state wanting to know what kind of support he provides for the boys because she's getting state help for her other two kids. The last time, we sent them a copy of the decree and I highlighted the parts where it said that he had custody and that she should be paying child support. I asked Sweety if he wanted me to highlight her copy in the same manner but he declined my kind offer.

I'm gonna go think happy thoughts now. Rainbows and kittens and chirping birds.

Time Killers

That's Sweety wearing bunny ears. He forbade me from posting the photo so I made a mosaic from it here. You can click on it to get a larger view of the photo.

Here is an interesting mind reading site. I did the trick a half dozen times and it got my answer right every time! It must be the work of the devil.

Thanks to Anaglyph & Pusher Robot for culling these goodies from the internet!

Tiny Dog Makes Me Cuss

Hey, the link works now!

Isn't she cute? All snuggly looking? So sweet...



Go here to see what sort of devilment the little rat has been up to. Please forgive my use of profanity.

I'll be glad when Sweety gets home. I took a late nap today and am cleaning the house in bits and pieces. Figure that by the time I'm done, I'll be tired enough to fall asleep and not worry about gargoyles getting in the house and eating me

*cough* *cough*

This morning I got ready to go to work and headed that way and felt so crummy that I came home. I'm still hacking like a cat with hairballs but perhaps I've shaken the worst of whatever it is that we've been passing around.

I fell off the 25 peeps page but I did make it to the hall of fame. Woo hoo! I shall live on FOREVER! Okay, maybe not forever, but til 98 other people stay longer than me and knock me out of the hall of fame.

Well son of a bitch. I just watched Brokeback Mountain and I'm totally pissed off with the ending. Bah. I like happy endings and this was not.

Time to go fetch the children from their mother's. Woot.

Sick. Phooey.

LittleBrother was sick this week. He said that his head hurt reeeally bad when he coughed and I told him that he was imagining it and to suck it up. Well, I've got the shit now and he wasn't kidding. My head is on a continual throb and if I cough or laugh it feels like I'm being stabbed in the temple and all I see is white light while I'm coughing. I feel bad for accusing him of being a drama queen.

I wanted to leave work early but didn't because I'd just received an award today for being a fantastical employee this quarter. And I like my supervisor so I don't want to do anything (such as leaving early) that would make her look bad. So when I was having a blinding coughing fit, I'd pet my award and remind myself that I probably wasn't going to die. But what a relief it would've been if I'd have just keeled over to avoid the head hurting.

I'm all doped up now and hoping that I'll feel better tomorrow.

Sweety is gone for a few days so me and the girls (Stinky dog and Tiny dog) have been living like bachelors. We just had a dinner of Spaghetti-o's and Frito's. I'm picking the boys up from their mom's house tomorrow night on my way home from work so I can take them to their football game on Saturday. Their cuntofamother is unable to take them to the game. As a matter of fact, she hasn't seen them play yet this season.

Good grief. I am dinged out. Gonna go blog surf til my eyes give out.

Update:
It's Friday morning and I feel like what flaming dog shit smells like. What a wonderful day this will be!

A Charlie Brownish HNT

If you wait until December 12 to go buy a Christmas tree...

You'll find that there are no live trees left at the 3 places you went to.

You'll find that the only fake trees left cost $100 and look like toilet bowl brushes. You can buy the display tree of one of the nice fake trees but who wants a tree that everyone else has fondled?

You will buy a tiny tree just to have one.



Next year, we will go tree shopping a bit earlier.

Updates

Remember the gutter slut that hung up on me when I called my credit card company? His supervisor pulled the call and he got written up. Good. Jackass.

And I briefly mentioned a child plowing into my car while he was riding his bicycle in this post. Now that the drama is over I'll elaborate a bit on what happened. I was taking BigBrother to school and was stopped at a 4-way stop. It was my turn to go (and there were no kids in sight on the sidewalk) and I started to go but another car went instead. I was pulled about 1/2 way into the cross walk when I stopped because they weren't going to stop so I could take my turn. I was stopped in the center of the crosswalk for about 5 seconds while waiting for the car to go through and some little moron on a bike decided to RIDE AROUND MY CAR while it was in the crosswalk. I took my foot off the gas and rolled forward about 6 inches. Just far enough to have the kid hit my bumper with his front tire and fall down. He was moving faster than I was when this happened. He was hauling ass through the crosswalk and didn't stop to walk it through like you're supposed to. He got up and said he was okay but that his leg hurt from where he fell down and said he was going to school. (My first instinct when it happened was to drive away and enroll BB in private school somewhere and go trade my car in for a different one.) I dropped BB off at school and called Sweety freaking out.

Hey! Guess what? I just hit a kid on a bike!

What? Noooooo! Noooooo!

Yeah. Really. Why the fuck would I lie?

Oh shit. No! You didn't!

At this point I'm getting pissed because obviously it happened now tell me what the hell I need to do! I was so freaked out that I realized that I was driving around LOST and we live less than 2 miles from the school.

Sweety called the police and they came to the house and I called the school and told them what happened. The nurse there basically said that the kids have been warned to not run between cars and maybe this would make them listen. The officer told me that I could get a ticket for leaving the scene but since the kid left too that neither one of us would get a ticket. The kid was also told since he didn't walk his bike through the crosswalk and since he wasn't wearing a helmet that he was lucky to not get tickets for that.

Long story short, since I was in a car it was considered my fault and the kid cashed in for several thousand dollars worth of pain and suffering for his sprained ankle from my insurance company and now I'm a nervous wreck every time I have to go to BB's school.

Whenever I see a kid run through the crosswalk or ride their bike through it now I want to beat them with a stick. Unaware, selfish little shits.

Awhile back I waxed Sweety's back. It was time to defuzz again last night and I did something different. Instead of wax (since he was such a crybaby last time) I used Magic Shaving Powder. It come in powder form and you mix it with water to get this foul smelling (like rotten eggs) stuff that melts the hair away. The fun part was when I got to splat the cold mixture on Sweety's back and he screamed. (When my back hurts he'll put pain relieving gel on it and he's never kind enough to warm it in his hands first. He just drizzles it COLD on my back while I try not to flinch. So this was my payback for that.) A good time was had by all.

Whoring

Love the peep.

Thanking you in advance for your kind attention.

Nothing Much

It's 8:30 a.m. and I've already consumed 2 ice cream sandwiches. Just wanted to get that off my chest.

This morning I scared the hell out of Sweety. He got up to go to work at 5 a.m. and I just had a feeling that he would have to turn around and come back home so I stood (in the dark and eating an ice cream sandwich) by the door in the kitchen and yelled at him when he opened the door. The look on his face was priceless. Total and complete shock. I'm glad he didn't have a heart attack.

BigBrother hid in the pantry a couple of weeks ago and scared me when he jumped out. He's been warned that he is on my list of people to do something horrible to and that he'll just have to suck it up whenever I get him back. I'm planning on doing something that he will remember as a defining moment in his childhood. I'll put some money in his therapy fund to make up for it.

We are still Christmas treeless. We went to the stores that sell live trees last night and they didn't have any! Sweety has a theory that fake trees cause divorce so he didn't want to get one but we might have to. I see that Midwestern City Boy & California Girl have a nice looking fake tree up - maybe I'll point that out to Sweety as an exception to his "fake trees = doom" theory. Hey Sweety! Maybe fake trees lead to lots of sex!

I haven't done any Christmas shopping yet. I pretty much know what I'm getting for people and plan on fighting the masses at the mall this weekend to get it all done. I like buying things for people but I despise all of the freaking people that are everywhere at this time of year. I've discovered that if I look at the floor and talk to myself as I'm walking around stores that people usually give me space.

Busy Times

We went to Sea World and Busch Gardens this weekend and had a large time. We bought annual passes for 2 years to the places but told the boys that they were only for 1 year and were Christmas presents. Guess what we'll tell them that they're getting for Christmas presents NEXT year too?

Sea World is in Orlando and we went there on Saturday (After a kick ass football game where they boys' team stomped the other team. I think we had 7 touchdowns and they had one.) and stayed for a few hours. I love Sea World! It wasn't crowded and I got to pet stingrays - what more could I possibly ask for?

Then we spent the night in Tampa and went to Busch Gardens the next day. BigBrother and I rode SheiKra twice while Sweety and LittleBrother watched. They are wimps and wouldn't ride it. It was quite a ride! You're taken straight up in the air for 200 feet and then dropped pretty much straight down. I screamed like the bitch that I am but it was fun.

BB has 2 school projects that are due this week and I'm coming home early today to help him with them. Sweety is going away for a few days later this month and I was scheduled to be off early on the day that he returns so I could see him but he said he'd rather have me here today to hold BB's feet to the fire and get the projects done properly. Have I mentioned how much I hate school projects? Well, I do. But I've turned into the school project supervisor due to my extreme pickyness for getting things done right.

We still don't have a Christmas tree. Gonna try and make time to get one today. Anybody else out there without a tree up yet or are we the last slackers to put one up? I think we should leave ours up for a couple of weeks after Christmas since it's going to be up for such a short period of time.

Agh. Time to go to the salt mines.

Things Better Left Unsaid

Shut up, you little punk!

Hey, where the hell are you going?

Keep up with the group! AAAAAAGHHHH!

Slow down, motherfucker. We're not running a race.

What the fuck? Where are all of my kids?

Shut up, you stupid cunt. Are you spraying hairspray on your kid's hair?! What the fuck?! We're on a damn bus. Why don't you go fuck yourself with the hairspray can? Hellloooo! I'm choking here! Idiot.

I said "fuck" "stupid cunt" and "motherfucker" ALOT in my head today. I am bowing out of chaperoning for the rest of this year. I'm gonna let someone else worry about my kid the next time.

Highlight of my day: Watching 12 year old boys break into a spontaneous 70's style dance anytime they heard music.

Woot.

In 4 minutes, I leave the house to go chaperone a field trip for BB's class. I'll be in charge of six 12 year old boys. My stomach hurts. I don't know if it's in dread or anticipation. May the force be with me.

Go show my peep some love. She almost got pushed off the page!

Save Your Money

Went with a friend to see The Fountain tonight. That's two hours of my life that I'll never get back. The visual effects were fantastic but I didn't realize what the damn movie was about until after I saw it and came home to read about it online.

Maybe my mind is just a bit slow tonight. I'm going to give it another watch when it comes out on DVD.

After the movie we went to eat dinner and I was served a nice, crunchy, gray hair (that looked suspiciously like it was of pubic origin) in my pasta.

We would have been better off staying at home and eating macaroni & cheese while watching cable t.v.

Be Careful What You Wish For

A man was fishing and he caught a crocodile. The crocodile told him, "Please let me go. I'll grant you any wish you desire." The man said, "Okay, I wish my balls could touch the ground."

So the crocodile bit his legs off.

Now Appearing!

Coming out of hiding for today's HNT!

The world's ugliest nightshirt!



I think my Mom gave it to me for Christmas a few years ago. It sat unused in my dresser for the longest time til I decided to look past it's appearance and appreciate it's inner beauty.

It is very comfortable.

To cleanse your brain, you could go look at my nightwear around this time last year. Not so comfortable but it has it's place.

Let's Have A Meeting

Hi! My name is Anna and I'm going crazy!

Hi, Anna!

I've spent the last 2 days - no wait make that several days - either sleeping or eating like a pig. My house is a wreck and my dogs are dirty. And I just feel sad and mean.

That's okay! You'll feel better soon!

But what if I don't? What if this is how I feel forever? Well, since I feel so crappy, I'll try and do something nice.

Sure! That's a great idea! Why don't you go to this website and fill out a holiday card to be sent to a soldier?

Uh, okay. I did it. I still feel like shit though. But at least I'm not eating a MRE for dinner.

And this is the boat that I'm riding in now. I hope I feel normal soon. What's normal for me anyway.

Am I Unreasonable?

You know the class rings that you get with your high school graduation year on them? Did you know that these are peddled to sixth graders? Maybe it's because I come from a school where all 12 grades (all 127 of us) were under one roof and you only got a class ring in regards to graduating high school that I find this idea rather silly. Can anyone give me a valid reason to buy a ring (that's going to be too small by the end of the school year) for a child? (Yeah, I know they can be resized but anyways...)

I can understand getting a senior year ring but this seems ridiculous. Is this a common thing where some of you are? I'd never even heard of a sixth grade class ring til today when BB said that orders were being taken for them.

Am I just a cold hearted bitch who's underestimating the enormous achievement of a child making it to the sixth grade?

Grouchy

If I had a hatchet, Stinky dog would've gotten it in the left temple last night. You'd think that keeping her fed and letting her live inside the house would be enough, wouldn't you? Noooooooo! Not for greedy-ass Stinky! I tried letting them sleep in our room last night but Tiny dog wouldn't stop it with the incredibly loud toe licking so they were banished to the bathroom. It took less than 15 minutes for Stinky dog to start howling under the effing door to let me know how lonely she felt in there. Whiny bitch, I wish I had the heart to beat her. So they got to come back in our room and I laid there and thought about hatcheting her after I chopped off Tiny dog's toes.

I think I've been grinding my teeth while asleep for the past few nights. My jaw hurts and while I'm awake I have to keep reminding myself to unclench it. Argh.

BigBrother got braces on his bottom teeth today. All that metal in his mouth makes him look older. He must've aged 3 years during the course of the visit. While we were sitting in the waiting room I noticed that the kid is getting some seriously hairy legs. I hadn't really looked at them in awhile and was surprised. I wouldn't have been able to pick them out of a line up.

Good grief. The canines are feeling especially needy today. I must go and pet them so they'll shut up.

I love my dogs. Really. I do.

I'll keep you all posted if anything happens in regards to the post below this one.

Don't Fuck With Me

As you may know, I work in the customer service department of a credit card company. I've been there for a number of years and within the last couple of months decided to get a card from the place.

I didn't get the first statement and when I received the second one there was a late fee and I knew that the promotional annual percentage rate would be removed because of this. I also knew that if a customer doesn't get their bill (especially the first one because you don't always know when your billing cycle is) that the account can be updated so it doesn't show delinquent (and you won't lose the promo apr) and the late fee can be credited.

I went online and made the payment and set the account up to have payments made automatically and then called the company (that I freaking work for and know the rules for) and some wahoo told me that he couldn't do anything for me after I explained the situation and told him that I'd made the payment online (which I knew was already visible on his computer). I said "You're telling me that my account cannot be reaged to not show past due and the late fee credited since I didn't get a statement?" And he got all bitchy and told me that's what he was saying and that he didn't know how I thought that other banks did things but that the bank he worked for didn't work that way. At that point I asked for a supervisor. Then the fucker hung up on me.

So I called back and spoke with a supervisor and told him what happened and told him that I worked there (I hadn't mentioned that to the jackass that hung up on me.) and was really disgusted that my first phone call to the company went that way. The supervisor fixed it right up and I went on my merry way.

I do hope that assmunch that hung up on me has his call monitored. We shall see...

Happy Thanksgiving!

You all have a good one.

Back To Our Regularly Scheduled Program...

Check out our back porch!

Before

Old, yucky, painted concrete.

Voila!

Nice, sparkly, slate tile!

Sweety has been hard at work tiling and it should be all done soon. The ceiling to the porch is made of wooden slats and it's all going to look great together. I may move onto the porch when it's done because I think it'll be the nicest room in the house. This was the tile purchased during the coffee tainting incident.

I've gotta admit that I'm very lucky to have Sweety. He has been quite supportive during the past couple of weeks. He did grouch a bit when I came home early on Friday but picked at me until I talked about why I was feeling so crazy. When I feel bad, I like to tamp it down and ignore it and have a meltdown later but Sweety likes to talk things out. I don't like "talking it out" but I do know that that's the better way to do things. And I did feel better after I spilled my guts to him.

The boys played their very first "real" game of flag football this weekend. And they won! Usually when the boys play sports, they're on a team of low-eared babies and everybody picks their nose while the game is going on but not this time! They stomped the other team into the ground. The boys agreed that victory felt good for a change and it made for a nice car ride home. I hate it when a game is lost and everybody is all grouchy. It makes me want to walk home. Winning is good. I hope the streak continues.

I was so relieved to find out that Sweety's sister is hosting Thanksgiving dinner! Yay for socially retarded me! Now I can just make a couple of side dishes to take and not have a bunch of people looking at the dog hair on my carpet. You know what I wish? I wish I could take my own cooking pans to Boston Market and they'd cook up something in them. But since that's not possible, I guess I'll build my own broccoli cheese casserole or something.

Good God Almighty. Tiny dog is asleep on my leg and just farted. My leg is all warm now and I think I'm going to puke.

The sprogs are out of school this week for Thanksgiving break and it's time to scrounge up some lunch for them.

When It Rains, It Pours

Warning: I think I'm rambling.

What a week this has been. I went to Texas last Friday morning and got back Wednesday night. I think I'm in the middle of a tiny metal crackdown. It was hard being in Texas.

My exhusband spoke with me last Wednesday night and asked me if I could get up there as soon as possible to help him out with the things that needed to be done so far as dealing with his sister's funeral and being with his mom. He said if I would come up there and help him get through this that he'd never bother me again. This was the first time that I'd spoken to him in 6 or 7 years. And I don't hate his guts anymore or want him to suffer needlessly so I went to Texas a little sooner than I'd planned on. (I'd planned on getting up there just in time for the funeral and then staying a few days.) It was weird being around him. I guess he's gotten his shit together and doesn't drink like he used to. I think I got to see the person that I knew he could be. We got along like we'd just seen each other yesterday. It was Twilight Zoneish. He told me that he was glad that I was doing okay and I told him that to be honest, I'd cursed him for a couple of years but that I am really happy that he's doing well too. We had a chance to talk and apologies were exchanged over about what a rotten note our marriage ended on. I want him to have a nice life.

The funeral was on Saturday and while everyone was leaving the cemetery the police came and got the kids (my niece and nephew) and took them to their paternal grandfather's house. Their biological dad is in prison and will be there for another 30 or so years. Before he went to prison, he didn't have anything to do with the kids but he wants to exercise his paternal rights now and have them taken in by his family. The kids are totally freaked out. Not only is their mom gone but now they can't be around the people that they know. I was going to try and have his paternal rights severed and try to adopt the kids but after speaking with a lawyer (who told me it was a longshot and would be an uphill battle all the way since I'm no longer related to them and live out of state) decided that it would probably do more harm than good right now. It would cost an arm and a leg and there's not a good chance that I'd win because I'm so far away and not related to them anymore. I just feel so bad because they'd always been told if something ever happened to their mom that they'd go live with me. But of course, their mom didn't have anything in writing.

Right now the kids are at their dad's brother's house but their dad wants them to go to his cousin and his family (people the kids have never met before either). The kids were taken to the cousin's house yesterday and threw such a fit about being there that their dad's brother and his wife came and got them. I hope if they stay with their dad's family that they end up with his brother and wife. Their dad's family had said at first that the kids could go see their mom's side of the family this weekend but it seems that that's on hold. I tried to call the kids last night and was told that they were in the shower and their aunt tried to call too and was told the same thing at a different time. They must've been in one long shower, huh?

Oh and another bit of good luck that's found me - last Wednesday (before I went to Texas), I was driving and some kid basically ran into me on his bike. But since I was the grown up in a car, I'm screwed. Life is so good.

I came home from work early today because I couldn't open my mouth without crying and I've spent much of my day molesting the toilet because my stomach is a wreck and Sweety is pissed that I came home early. I just couldn't stay there. He has a very strong work ethic - he worked once for a couple of days with a broken ankle because there was nobody else there to do the job - and he thinks I should be the same way. I know that everybody goes through shit and deals with it but I just can't today. I resolve to suck it up and go back to work on Sunday and be happy and cheerful in my daily life. Or maybe I'll get lucky and a fucking meteor will smash me and I can sleep for awhile. Speaking of sleep, I guess being in Texas and dealing with everything that's going on has given me some horrid dreams. I'm not enjoying sleeping too much right now and that's usually my most favorite thing.

On a happier note, fat ass Tiny dog lost about 1.5 pounds while I was gone. Now she just has 2 chins instead of 5 and she can run a lot faster.

Hola

Thanks to everyone for the nice comments below and for checking on me. I appreciate it.

I've been in Texas since last Friday morning and am going home tomorrow. I have stuff to talk about and a nice juicy keyboard vomit is forthcoming but I have to get through some things this afternoon first.

Please direct your good thoughtbeams to me in East Texas at 3:30 p.m. EST. They're needed.

What a messed up world.

I just found out that one of my friends died last night. She was my ex-SIL but we've always been really close. She's my age. I guess she felt tired and went to bed and that was it. She'd always said that if anything ever happened to her that she wanted me to take her kids and I'd agreed. We didn't have anything in writing so I don't know what's going to happen with that.

I think I'm going to take a blog break. I need to sit with the covers over my head for awhile. I'll see you all next weekish.

Unconscious Mutterings

Sweety is a big sleep talker. He piped up the other night that when he was reincarnated that he'd like to come back as a canary and live in a big, round, golden cage. We talked for a good 10 minutes about his daily life as a bird before I thought to record it. Notice how I told him that being a white bird wouldn't keep him from being dirty? I like to skew his dreams in an unhealthy manner if the opportunity presents itself.

I have a lot of fun talking to him at night. If I can't sleep, I can start talking to him and hear all about what he's doing in dreamland.

(o) (o)

I think a good rule to use when you are getting your breasts enlarged is to have them be no bigger than 75% of your head size.

There was some chick in the grocery store the other day and, I kid you not, her tits were the bigger than her head. She had a freakishly small pinhead and these big balloons sitting under it. I couldn't help but look at her and imagine her face on her chest also. Have you ever seen a shrunken head? That's what kind of face she had - low ears, duck lips, fish eyes. And the huge chest ornaments just really drew attention to her tiny head.

It so surprised me to look up and see them headed my way that I actually exclaimed, "Holy shit, Sweety! Do you see those?" while jabbing him with my elbow and I wasn't the least bit discreet about it. Generally, I'm not one to curse in public or let someone know that I'm looking at them but my manners were temporarily stunned.

I haven't been able to get the image of her out of my mind and I hope that by purging myself of the experience that the memory will fade.

Good Day

It's been a weird few days for me but today was finer than hair on a frog's ass.

A friend and I went to a day spa. Massage, facial, manicure and hair styled. It was great! I'd never had a massage before and I've gotta say - it was fantastic. Then we went to the movies (The Departed. Pretty good show.) and dinner.

I haven't really went anywhere with anyone since I've been down here. She's the wife of one of Sweety's friends and we've all been out together before but never alone. I was afraid that it would be odd, being out without our husbands, but it was just lovely!

It seems that I started this post off with some witty ideas in mind but I'm too damn sleepy to bring them to fruition. I'm glad that I'm already bundled in bed.

Goodnight.

Well rats. Not "goodnight". Sweety just called. He rode with someone to his bowling game and wants me to meet him somewhere so they don't have to drive all the way to our house to drop him off. He was surprised when I told him that I was already in bed. Hellllooo! It's almost midnight! I think I'll just wear my robe to go fetch him.

Thanksgiving. Gah.

Do any of you all remember my last year's HNT Thanksgiving time photo? It's me, nekkid behind the Boston Market bag because that's where our Thanksgiving dinner comes from because I'm not good at cooking that sort of thing.

The first year we were married - I cooked the giblet bag in the turkey. We wondered why it took so long to cook and then Sweety pulled out the "surprise" when carving the turkey.

The next year - We bought a ham and I cooked side dishes. Sweety's sister was eating with us and cleaned her plate. I realized later that the green bean casserole wasn't done and it was like eating boiled shoelaces. I don't know how she managed to choke hers down. I threw mine away.

Once I cooked a frozen pizza with the cardboard still on the bottom.

Guess what? We're having company for Thanksgiving! Shitshitshitshit. Sweety's Dad and Stepmother. I like them both but I sure do hate having people here. Entertaining and feeding people are not among my strengths.

Last night, Sweety told me I'd have to cook a turkey for everyone and I flipped out. He realized that I was fixing to have a nervous breakdown and told me that we'd continue our tradition of purchasing the meal. Good. I'm hoping his sister will volunteer to have Thanksgiving dinner at her house.

I'd much rather have my in-laws think (know?) that I'm too lazy to cook than know that I'm a sucky cook.

This visit also means that I have to get the house company clean. This will also include shampooing the dog feet smell out of the carpet. What fun.

Quack Quack

Man, I feel crummy. If there was a duck here, I'd kick it. Nothing more humorous than seeing a duck waddle around with a hurt ass.

The weather's been changing here and my sinuses have staged a protest. The protest includes lots of coughing at night, coughing sporadically throughout the day, snot (lots of snot) and an overall shitty mood. I'm a real peach to be around right now.

The whole Halloween trick or treating thing went well. The plan was to go to this carnival in town where a bunch of businesses were giving out candy outside and then I was going to get dressed up and walk the neighborhood with them. By the time we left the carnival and hit a good neighborhood on the way home, the boys didn't want to go around our neighborhood. Which is a good thing for me because the costume I was going to wear was an alien costume with a latex head and it would've been hot as hell in there.

That's BigBrother in the white shirt and LittleBrother.



Small children cried when they saw BB's mask. Tiny dog is terrified of it too.

And here they are with their spoils.



My favorite part of having kids it taking some of their Halloween candy as tax.

Just so everyone knows - I'm totally burnt out on the songs White and Nerdy by Weird Al and Chain Hang Low by Jibbs. These are the boys' current favorite songs and I've probably heard them eleventy billion times in the past two weeks. Shoot me now.

My current favorite song? Weasel Stomping Day by Weird Al. It gets me good and pumped up on the way to work.

Some Affirmation, Please.

I'm cleaning out the icebox and I think some sort of evolutionary process has begun on the bottom shelf. Please tell me that I'm not the only person with an icebox that is so filthy you could plant potatoes in it.

Hello? Anyone?

Happy Halloween!

More Than You Need To Know

I was digging through my purse earlier and thought I'd share it's contents with the masses.



First Row

Earplugs - Just in case I need to take an emergency nap.

Crazy pills - To keep me from setting anybody on fire.

Thumbtack - You never know when you'll meet a boil that needs lancing.

Broken key ring thingy - It has a heart and "Mom" written on the front. LittleBrother gave it to me for Christmas a couple of years ago and I keep it even though it's broken.

Drink coaster from Chili's - Where it's always happy hour!

Birthstone ring - A gift from a friend. It's broken and I carry it around in case I find somewhere that I want to leave it to be fixed.

Soup spoon - Stolen from my favorite Mexican restaurant in East Texas. I used to use it when I was cooking drugs but I've kicked the habit since finding a better use for my syringes. Now I use it for soup.

Second Row

Eyebrow pencil & lipstick & nail polish - Because you never know who you're gonna run into.

Empty bottle of something & empty birth control packet.

Face powder & magnifying mirror - Because I own the world's greasiest face.

Glitter glue sticks & glitter pen - Have I mentioned that I love glitter?

Nacho Libre pen - I love Nacho.

Cough drops & pennies - I always have pennies. Good for hurling at bums.

Two sulfide (?) pills - My Mom gave them to me in June. She said they'd get rid of my sinus infection. I should probably eat them now.

Row Three

Hairbrush - Stolen from Sweety. It's more fun to use since it's stolen.

Identification & credit/debit cards.

Trash & coupons - I'm bad about carrying receipts around forever.
If I see a website or something that I think I might like to cook for the family in a magazine, I'll rip it out and carry it with me forever. I may never utilize any of the recipes but it makes me feel like I'm doing something for my family by carrying the recipes around.

It Wasn't Me

This weekend a friend and her husband went to a home improvement center to purchase tile. Lots and lots of tile. Slate tile and pretty little sparkly accent tiles, pretty stuff. When they got there the staff and management were very uncooperative and all seemed to have their heads stuck up their asses.

The husband had been to the center earlier that morning and a worker had given him a business card and told him that they'd have a new delivery later. When the husband presented the card to the manager on duty later that day and asked where all the tile was, the manager told him that he must have been there last night and not that morning because the person who gave out the business card didn't work that morning but he did work the night before and there was no new shipment. WTF? Did the manager really think the husband got confused and had really been there the night before and not just 2 hours earlier?

The friend and husband were circling their pallet of tile, waiting (for what seemed like FOREVER) to find someone to check them out. Then my friend saw that some worker (who was no doubt as stupid and as unhelpful as the day is long) had left their cup of coffee out in the open, on top of the counter where you put your stuff to be checked out.

So, she stuck her pointy finger in it (the coffee was still hot!) and swished it around a few times. It made her feel better and she hopes that the coffee belonged to one of the idiots that they had dealt with.

My peep has been up for 79 days now! So go click it and keep me there. Click with a cheerful heart and click often. Or at least the once or twice a day that the peeps system will count your vote.

Or else my friend will come to your house and stick her finger in your coffee.

I Feel Dirty

When I was a kid, we had a cat. I spent many evenings with him on my lap while I read books or watched t.v. Sometimes he'd do this little thing where he used his front paws to knead the blanket over my legs and he'd purr loudly while doing it. He really liked it if I gave his head a good hard pet while this was going on. I just saw a video of a cat fucking a blanket and I now realize that's what he was doing. Up until now, I'd always thought he was just doing what cats do to show that they're content.

I am so embarrassed.

Added @ 11:11 p.m.
Here is the video that brought back so many memories.
Thanks for linking this in the comments, Jeni!

An UnHalloweeny HNT

I know that today was deemed to be a Halloween themed HNT but I'm just not feeling very creative.
So sue me.



I love having a privacy fence! If the neighbors see me outside naked then they are looking pretty hard.

Happy Half Nekkid Thursday!

LOL

Shamelessly stolen from The Terrible Secret Of Space, I present
naked cartoon woman on a bicycle running over stuff.

I've spent half an hour wrecking that chick.

I'm Hungry

Sweety and I have started walking in the evenings. It's a three mile trip and we've done it the past two nights. I hate it. I hate exercising. But, it is nice to have him to myself for a little while without the sounds of children chattering in the background.

I also told him what he did not need to do to encourage me to eat better or be healthier - Don't say a word about anything that I'm fixing to put in my mouth. If I'm going to eat something that I shouldn't be, well, I already know it's a bad idea. That bugs the hell out of me. It makes me want to hide in the bathroom and eat a sack of cheeseburgers.

Despite the trouble we had initially at the YMCA getting the boys signed up for football, it is now done. We went up there yesterday and spoke with them again and they decided to not hold it against the boys that their mom still owes the YMCA money. We also decided to get a family membership there. I'm pretty sure I'll be more inclined to exercise if Sweety drags me up there as opposed to being left to do it on my own. I'm okay with exercising once I start doing it. It's just an almighty trial to actually get dressed and leave the house for it.

I just ran the spell-check and it hung up on "cheeseburgers". Now I want one.

10-Q!

A big "Thanks!" to everyone that chimed in on yesterday's post, either via a comment or e-mail!

We've been discussing the whole procreation thing and figure we'll probably do it someday. What we didn't realize was that we're on totally different pages when it comes to how many.

One Or Two Or Ten?

Anyone out there an only child? Do you feel like you would've liked it better with a sibling?

How 'bout anyone that only has one kid? Planning on having any more? Do you think your kid needs (or doesn't need) to have a sibling? Maybe you can't have any more than one kid....do you wish you could?

Or maybe you have more than one and wish you'd stopped there?

And since this is a really personal thing, I'd welcome any responses or emails - even anonymous ones!

We are at a Mexican Standoff at Casa de Chickie.

More Of The Canines

Like heat-seeking missiles, they know just where to go.






And another of Tiny. She's a diva and demanded a solo shot.

Mondays

Suck sweaty donkey balls. Sucky Monday.

Dear Pete,
Please smile down (up?) upon me and let me be able to use some vacation time today so I can come home early.
Thank you and amen.

That is all.

Does A Fat Kid Like Cake?

Well, this one isn't too crazy about it but I am fond of other things.



This was what was gathered today on my grocery store trip. I so should not go there when I'm hungry! I did manage to get all of the supplies needed to make Jalapeno popcorn. The Phosgene Kid published his recipe awhile back and I've been meaning to try it. It is good! Reeeeally good.

Is anyone else watching Dexter on Showtime? By day this guy is a forensics pathologist and his hobby is serial killing other serial killers. I just got into it and am watching all of the episodes. Rather interesting.

Just for the record - I love rhetorical questions. Those are the best! It just makes me all warm and squishy inside when I'm asked a question with an oh-so-obvious answer. Makes me feel smart!

Being Sneaky

I'm home and the canines don't know it. I've been really quiet and they think I'm Sweety so they aren't going all bonkers to be let out of the bedroom.

Ha! I'm fooling them!

Sweety mentioned the other day that I don't really love my dogs since I sometimes hide from them. I say that we all need a break sometime.

You cannot nick any private areas with a razor and then try to put a bandaid on it. It just looks too ridiculous.

I am so ready for this weekend to get here! It'll be so nice to not go to work on Saturday. I'm planning on staying home and healing the desktop computer. It's been all whacked out for many moons now and I think I accidentally fixed it last night. There is still some slight tweaking to be done. My plan is to get it fixed and give it to the boys. If they do anything to mess it up then that's just too damn bad. Children's little grubby mitts will never touch the laptop keypad ever again! It was just too much of a bitch getting it straightened out the other day.

Something new that I'm going to try this Saturday: Hypnotizing lizards. I read somewhere that you can rub their bellies and they'll get really still and won't run away from you. In the article I read, the girl who did this to the lizards dressed them up in tiny doll clothes once they were immobile. That sounds like fun to me. This is something that I'll need to do at home alone because I can only imagine the look on Sweety's face if he caught me molesting lizards.

Heh, the dogs still don't know that I'm home! I'm going to (very quietly) find some dinner.

But before you go, do me a favor and click on my little photo in the sidebar. Help keep my peep alive!

It's 2 a.m. and the desktop computer is up and running! Yay me!

HHNT!

I'm pretty sure that Sweety did something very uncouth in order for me to make such a face.



I love him even when he's being disgusting.

Happy Half Nekkid Thursday!

I've Got Nothing

I spent at least 5 hours on the phone yesterday with technical support in India trying to get my laptop to work properly. The optical drive wasn't being picked up for some reason so I couldn't download any software or watch dvds.

My call was disconnected 4 times. Some crackhead told me that I needed to take my computer apart and was instructing me on how to do it over the phone. I didn't have the right kind of screwdriver so I had to stop in the middle of it all and go to the hardware store for the correct tool and then call stupidass tech support back.

The same crackhead answers my call and after an hour decides that I need to mail the laptop in for repair. Crackhead then puts me on hold to transfer me to someone who will give me instructions for mailing the laptop back in and disconnects me after I've been on hold for 20 minutes. Yay! I love disconnections!

I call back and speak to someone that seems to know their ass from a hole in ground and am given instructions on how to reformat (in a different manner than is given in my handy, dandy, HP guidebook). And behold! It works!

And I swear, if something happens to fuck it up again, I will kill and eat every living thing under my roof. Then I'll throw the computer in the pool.

Today has been spent hiding in the dark with a fantastical sinus headache. Yay! I love headaches! My noggin has just started feeling better. Thank goodness.

This pretty much sums it up for me:



Except for glitter. I love glitter.

Wheee! No Work For Me Today!

Can you tell that I'm pleased that I'm off today? It's been an interesting couple of days in customer service land and I'm glad to be getting a break. I need to work up some mental stamina before Thursday and get prepared to let any yelling or cursing at me roll off of my back. Sometimes, people acting all crazy doesn't bother me but sometimes it does. The past couple of days have been those kind where it's starting to get to me.

Tiny dog just wouldn't adjust to her boots so I returned them. I think she just didn't understand how badass she looked in them. Mental note to self: Start the next dog off wearing shoes early. Check.

I can't wait for Halloween to get here! It's always been one of my favorite holidays and since acquiring kids it is my favorite. I love dressing them up. With the way their days at their mom's fall and my work schedule, I've never been able to take them out on Halloween. They'd been bugging me to dress up and go trick-or-treating with them and I told them no because I thought it was kind of sneaky for an adult to do it. But I got to thinking about it and decided, "What the hell? At some point they won't even want to be seen with me! I'll take advantage of this and go get me some candy!" So all 3 of us will don our masks on the 31st and make the rounds. I can't wait!

In August, I mentioned that I'd stopped gnawing on my nails. I fell off the wagon this weekend. I was at work and one of them caught on something and I didn't have a file to smooth it down with. By the end of the day, I'd managed to nibble them all down to bloody little stumps. Dammit. I'm gonna groom them up today and start over.

Hey, ladies - did you know that when a man coughs his testicles jump? I wasn't aware of this and happened to see the phenomenon last night when Sweety was getting ready for bed. So then I cornered him and made him cough different kinds of coughs for me for a good ten minutes. Very interesting and amusing.

Sometimes All I Can Do Is Laugh

BigBrother is a football fanatic. He's been bugging Sweety about wanting to play football for about the past four years. This year, it was decided that BB and LB would get to play in the fall flag football league. They brought home a flyer about it a few weeks ago and have gotten all revved up and excited about finally getting to play.

To play you have to sign up at the YMCA and today we all trekked up there to get the boys signed up and to pay the initiation fees.

When we got to the Y the guy behind the counter asks the boys what their names are and guess what comes up when he runs their names in the computer? That their cuntofamother owes the YMCA a bit of money and the boys can't play football until her debt is squared away because they were members on her account. BB almost died from embarrassment as the guy explained why they couldn't join. Sweety asked if we could buy a monthly membership to the Y so the boys could join under our membership and play. Someone from the YMCA is supposed to call Sweety next week and let him know.

To put it mildy, the mood was quite a bit more somber leaving the place than it was going to it.

Tiny dog got some snazzy cowboy boots today but she refuses to wear them. Ungrateful bitch.





* no tiny dogs were harmed during the creation of this blog post *

What A Fine Start

The phone rings early this morning. It's for Sweety. He has to go in early.

The phone rings after he's left. It's Sweety asking me to get the boys from their mother's house because her car is dead and the car that she was going to borrow today died last night. Why, oh why, didn't she call last freaking night about this? Instead of at the last damn minute?

As I'm dropping LittleBrother off at school I learn that he didn't eat breakfast at his mother's and it's too close to class starting for him to go to the cafeteria for breakfast. WTF? Shouldn't you insist that your 9 year old eat breakfast? Start his day off right and all that shit?

Okay. I'm going to stop with all that. My eye is twitchy.

Patti_Cake mentioned in the chickpea post that it was fun to write chickpea. It certainly is! Chickpea! Chickpea! Chickpea!

Here are some of my favorite words:

toe
coupon pronounced "coo-pon" NOT "q-pon"
sofa
wombat
peek! always said as an exclamation
chickpea
bug

The wombat took a peek at me in my tee pee! Isn't that fun to say?

For the record, this is the second damn time typing this up. I accidentally powered of my computer after the first run.

Off to work. Woo hoo!

Happy Friday the 13th!

Hey, Kids!

Do you know what time it is?

It's time for "I was too damn lazy to take a half nekkid photo!" time! Woo hoo!

You see that cartoon on the sidebar to the right? The baby Jason with the severed head? Go ahead, click on it. Maybe some of you caught that photo when I had it up last Halloween. Maybe you didn't. Either way, it's all I've got to offer today!

Go see Osbasso if you'd like to see some people in some new half nekkidity.

Have a happy Thursday!

Phwew!

It'd been so long since my house had been really cleaned that it actually cried tears of joy as I was dusting today. I'd totally forgotten how nice it was to sit on the couch and look at stuff on this useless box while the house was in order. Have you ever had something (e.g., a dusty ass house) that was just so far behind that you didn't even know where or how to start? That's kinda what the homestead had been like. No mold growing on anything. Just everything out of place and breeding dust bunnies.

Sweety was kind enough to bring dinner home so all I've gotta do is heat it up. Yay! Some kind of Greek chicken and rice. Tasty stuff. And hummus. I love hummus. I love chickpeas too. So small and cute.

Wow, I just read what I just wrote and had an out of body experience. Like "holy shit, what a weirdo!" Who extols the perfect dainty goodness of the fucking chickpea?

I feel really good today. For about the past month or so I've been pretty down in the dumps but today seems good! Who cares if I'm giving chickpeas a verbal blowjob? It's better than crying.

I'm Rambling

I just got finished bleaching my teeth with one of those at-home things (you make a mold of your teeth and then wear the mold with the bleach in it for 10 minutes) and my mouth feels all funky. And my teeth look splotchy. The box said that might happen but that it should go away. This is my last effort at doing it myself before going to the dentist's office and having them laser my teeth until they look like toilet-bowl-white-chicklets. Okay, maybe I don't want them blindingly white but you get the picture.

I swear, if Stinky dog doesn't quit noisily licking her coochie, I will SCREEEEAM! Damn dog, knock it off. I know it's clean! I just washed it for you last night!

Have you ever had things that you knew that needed to be done or changed and just kept putting them off? I am so there. I really need to make some adjustments with myself or else I'm afraid that I'll end up old and alone with just my 82 chihuahuas for company.

I am off to clean the pad (REALLY! I am! Sweety, if you're reading this, the house around you should be clean!) and I'd like to leave you with this funny that I found in my mailbox.

During one of her daily classes a teacher trying to teach good manners, asked her students the following question:

"Michael, if you were on a date having dinner with a nice young lady, how would you tell her that you have to go to the bathroom?"
Michael said, "Just a minute I have to go pee."
The teacher responded by saying, "That would be rude and impolite.

What about you Peter, how would you say it?"
Peter said, "I am sorry, but I really need to go to the bathroom. I'll be right back."

"That's better, but it's still not very nice to say the word bathroom at the dinner table. And you, little Johnny, can you use your brain for once and show us your good manners?"

"I would say: Darling, may I please be excused for a moment? I have to shake hands with a very dear friend of mine, whom I hope you'll get to meet after dinner."

That just really tickled me.

Just Grouching

The ExWife told Sweety that her mother (who was living with her) is moving. Because of this EW needs to get another cell phone (she doesn't have a land line) so that when she leaves BigBrother at home to watch his brothers he'll have one. The problem? It'll cost her a deposit to get him a phone on her plan and BB had mentioned to her that maybe we'd get him one on our plan and there'd be no deposit. So she wanted to know if we were getting him a phone and then she wouldn't have to worry about it. Actually, there's been no plan of getting BB a phone. We've told him that he'll get one "someday". Someday being when he starts with extracurricular activities after school. We don't want to add him onto our phone plan and pay a monthly fee when the phone won't be used too much right now.

Part of me says "You should be nice and go ahead and get him the phone to be used over there since you can afford it and she can't." And the other part of me says "She needs to buy her own shit! Or maybe just not leave BB at home alone with 2 smaller kids! Huh, how about that? Maybe she should take those kids that she lives for everydamnwhere and then she won't have to worry about what they are doing!"

While I'm being a petty bitch, let me tell you about something else.

LittleBrother came bouncing up to me the other day waving this book around that he wanted to read to me. Turns out, he had to write a story for art class and illustrate it in a book. The title of the story was Why Is My Family So Big? and he drew everybody in his family...except for me. I just kept my glass smile on and oohed and ahhed over his artwork and good spelling and told him that he did a great job. Then I cried in the freaking bathroom. I guess he'd been working on it for a few days and when he first showed it to Sweety he asked Sweety if it was okay that I wasn't in it. Sweety told him to do whatever he wanted because it was his book. When Sweety found out that I'd been presented the book he wanted to know if it hurt my feelings. No shit, Sherlock.

Sometimes I hate being married to someone that has an exwife and kids. Don't get me wrong - I love the boys to pieces but it is so freaking hard sometimes! I know there are some folks out there genuinely seem to get along with an exspouse and I would love to be able to do that. I think it would make me a happier person. Or trying to be totally nice would drive me the last half mile to crazy.

A Confession

I have joined the dark side.

I have a MySpace page.

Why do I feel like such a dork? There are gobs of people on there. We can't all be dorks. I had to set up an account to snoop on the site and figured that I may as well make a page too. I'm too freaking picky to be happy with the default layout and had to find a new one and then tweak it some more til I was satisfied. I entered in what high school I graduated from and have already exchanged emails with people that I hadn't seen in over 10 years. It's kind of neat to see how people turned out.

BigBrother and I went on a tiny cruise today. (Sweety's bowling so I borrowed BB from his mom for a few hours.) It wasn't on the high seas but we were floating on water so that makes it a cruise, right? BB had never been on a boat before and he really liked it. We went with a friend of mine's church group and they did some drawing for prizes using our ticket stubs. They asked BB to pick out one of the names and he pulled out his own name and won a picture frame. Someone else drew my name out and I won a candle. We've decided that today is our lucky day and I'm getting a lottery ticket. I hope the streak continues!

Afterwards we went and watched Invincible. A nice, family friendly show. No cursing and no sex - I wasn't embarassed to be sitting next to BB during any of the scenes and that's always a plus!

The dogs that we were babysitting are gone! Yay! No more pissy boy dogs! The experience did show me that Tiny dog would either drop dead from fury or commit suicide if I ever got another little dog. One night I had the other chihuahua on the couch with me and Tiny was going beserk. I've also noticed that if Stinky dog is by me and I'm petting her head, as soon as I'm done, Tiny comes over and humps the hell out of her head. If I'm petting Stinky's back it's the same story. I've created a Tiny dog monster.

Nekkid Nekkid - No Halves Here!

To make up for my lack of nekkidness last week, I went all out this week.

And while you're clicking - you could give my photo at the top of the sidebar a tap too!

I don't have to work today so it is an especially Happy Half-Nekkid Thursday!

I Like Mine More!

So the little dog we're watching is an escape artist and the big dog is just a pissy, nasty, whiny canine. When he was dropped off the first thing he did was start peeing on the wall. Instead of fussing at him for it, his owner (BIL) gave him a thumbs up and said something along the lines of "good dog! show 'em who's the boss!" WTF? Gee, thanks, buddy! The dog pees on EVERYTHING. As a result, he'll be spending his entire visit on the porch. I despise him. I can't help but tell him to go to hell every time I pass the window to the porch. I never thought I could dislike an animal on such a personal level. The little dog is starting to come out of the crate where he's been hiding since Friday night. I'm going to try and get him to come in the house tonight but I don't know if he'll enjoy it. He's so skittish. I think he's missing his "mama" something fierce.

Being around these two defective dogs really makes me appreciate mine. Sure Tiny Dog eats walls, but at least she's friendly! And I noticed that the girl dogs' fur is softer than the boy dogs' fur. I wonder if that has something to do with hormones or what? Or is that just another sign of my dogs' perfection?

Groggy Monday

Make sure you check to see if the outside garage door is open before you stroll naked into the garage to get clothes out of the dryer.

If you eat Reese Puffs cereal and garlic hummus on crackers for breakfast, when you burp it tastes like marshmallows.

I must start going to bed earlier.


Edited one minute after publishing -

That insane shrieking that any of you may have just heard? That was me.

While putting my trousers on I noticed that something was in my pocket. I reached in an drew out a nice crunchy palmetto bug. I think that I just wet myself.

I am so very awake now.

Run, Spot! Run!

This afternoon Sweety's sister dropped her bassett hound and chihuahua off to be watched by us for the next week.

At around 9:30 tonight - the chihuahua got loose.

Sweety was walking him and he just slipped out of his collar and took off like a bat out of hell. We combed the neighborhood and after about an hour and a half we saw him hiding in the bushes and managed to corral him into the yard.

That was the worst 90 minutes of my life. SIL loves her dog like I love my dogs and all I could think about was how awful it was going to be to tell her that her neurotic little dog had flown the coop.

The little turd is hiding behind the couch right now. I might just let him potty in the damn house so I'll know there's no chance of escape.

Can You Hear Me?

Dear Pete*,

Please let today go by quickly.

Please smite all of the stupid people RIGHT NOW!

Thank you and Amen.



* Since I always yell "for Pete's sake" and "for the love of Pete", I've started directing prayers there too.
I'll let you know how well it works.

Not Half Nekkid Today

Has anyone seen my "oomph" or my "get up and go"? I think they've ran away from home.

I feel so blahed out this morning. I'll be glad when Saturday gets here.

Tiny Dog posted a couple of days ago. She's feeling more chipper than me.

And why have I been having such a hard time posting and commenting with Blogger for the past 2 days? Huh? Whyyyyyyyyyyy?!

I feel a bit of whiny bitch coming on. Have to tamp that down before I get to work.

I Am Such A Nerd

This heat coupled with the love bugs being thick in the air really sucks. (ha! i used "coupled" in the same sentence as "love bug"!) When picking up LittleBrother from school, I had to keep my mouth shut to keep the nasty little things out. Yech.

I finally finished the game that I've been hiding from LB and passed it on to him today. I know that Sweety was sick of looking over and seeing me playing it. Now he can watch LB play it for the next couple of weeks.

BigBrother has a science project that's due the end of October. We came up with (what we thought) was a great idea: Find out which spoils faster - skim milk or whole milk. His teacher vetoed it though. At first she said she didn't want him to taste it because it might make him sick and when we said "okay, he'll just sniff it." she didn't like that either. She said he might get sick from SNIFFING the bad milk. Huh? I really don't think that's possible. She probably thinks that you can get AIDS from a handshake too.

We're going to be dog-sitting next week! Sweety's sister is going on vacation and we're keeping her bassett hound and chihuahua. Her's are both boys and I'm thinking of taping their weenies down to keep them off of Stinky and Tiny. With vigilant supervision, I am sure that we'll have a nice visit. Her chihuahua is the biggest sissy that I've ever seen. He's afraid of his own shadow. They all came over last night for a test run and he'd sit on the couch but divebomb off the back (slamming into the wall in the process) if anyone twitched. I think we'll be able to get him socialized next week. That or give him a heart attack.

And now I'll reveal something even dorkier than having my OWN dog's blog....

I'm going to make one for them while they're here. I guess Sweety told his sister about Tiny's site and they want me to do one for her dogs while they're here so she can keep up with them.

I'm off to search for templates now!

What Doesn't Kill You...

I have a bad habit of being very nondiscriminatory when it comes to eating leftovers. A bit of green on the cheese? Pinch it off! Been in the icebox 3 days? A week? 10 days? As long as it doesn't smell funny or isn't slimy then I think it's okay to eat.

This morning I ate some leftover steak. I'm not sure when it was cooked but I remembered eating it the first time so I figured it was okay. But it seems that was not the case.

This has been a not so good morning.

I think I'll reevaluate my policy on noshing on leftovers.

Play Ball!

I drank too much beer last night and woke up in a motel not knowing where I was. The first time I woke up (at about 2 a.m.), I didn't know who Sweety was. I thought to myself "Oh shit. Who's this guy sleeping behind me that I went home with? I'll figure it out when the sun comes up." I only had 4 or 5 beers but that stuff really hit me hard.

This was our view today:

Please excuse the fact that the 3rd base line is crooked. I'm still getting the hang of taking panoramic style photos with my camera. Next time we go to a game, I want to sit in the seats right behind the dugout. I think that would be cool.

There was some monkey sitting right beside us today and he kept beating on the signboard that was hanging in front of us. It didn't seem to concern him that he was whaling the shit out of something that could fall and squash people down below. To alleviate some of my annoyance - I videoed him. You can view that here. We listened to that beating sound for at least half of the ballgame.

Tiny Dog got a souvenir too.

Nifty!

Check out this site. You put in the url of the webpage you'd like to see and it makes it look like a Word document. Especially good for when you're dinking around at work and don't want your computer screen to look too suspicious.

Toilet Seats, Toadstools & Teachers

Are any of you real germaphobes that always use those little paper rings on toilet seats to protect yourself? Those things scare me. I NEVER use them. (Instead, I always wipe down the seat to make sure it is totally dry before seating myself.) You know how you can get a piece of paper wet and the water kinda crawls up it? I'm always afraid that I'm going to pee on part of the ring somehow and it's going to become saturated and get me all wet before I can leap from the seat. Those paper sheets are good for blotting your face if it's greasy though.

I have discovered something that is even more fulfilling than toadstool punting! Smacking them with a golf club! Wooooo-hooooo! I had myself a blast in the yard a couple of days ago. The whole family came out to watch. Now, the boys know if they see a toadstool to come and fetch me. Sweety wanted to take a photo but I didn't think that the internet was ready for a golf-club-wielding-robe-wearing-bed-headed-Chickie. And I was too excited about getting busy on the toadstools to wait for him to get the camera.

Have you ever wondered what was going on in the teacher's mind during Open House? Go visit Thomas and he can enlighten you. (I totally lost it when he said something about pinching himself.)

Happy HNT!

This week's Half Nekkid Thursday is proudly presented by Tiny Dog.

She's a remote control hog.



Only 2 more days til the weekend! Woo hoo!

*yawn*

I worked yesterday so I could be off on Sunday. We're going to see the Yankees play in Tampa. I'm excited. No dogs + No kids = I can drink beer and eat nachos while watching the game! I don't really know too much about baseball but I do know that I like spending the night in hotel rooms and getting to take an hour long shower without having to worry about the water bill.

Tiny Dog bit the hell out of me last night. I was putting a shirt on her and she didn't like it. Perhaps I should take it as a lesson that dogs don't need to wear clothes? Nah, I won't.

I have to get the house clean today so the dog sitter doesn't freak out when she comes over to walk the canines this weekend. There is a mountain of laundry staring at me and various bits of clutter are mocking me throughout the house.

I wonder, are people that are "morning people" all grouchy in the evening like I'm grouchy in the morning?

Hide Your Babies!

It's Talk Like A Pirate Day and there's no telling what could happen.

Sometimes I See Red

LittleBrother called his mother to pick him up after being in school for 2 hours on Thursday (he felt just fine when he was dropped off by Sweety that morning though) and didn't go to school at all on Friday. He said his stomach felt funny. Wasn't puking or pooping just didn't feel good. Wah-fucking-wah.

You know what REALLY pisses me off about him not going to school on Friday?

As I've mentioned before, out of the goodness of my coal-black heart, I had Sweety tell the ExWife that she could drop BigBrother off here in on Friday mornings and I'd take him to school so she wouldn't have to make two trips out since she lives farther away from the school than we do.

Well, on Friday that stunned cunt didn't take LB to school but she still brought BB out here so I could get up a fucking hour early and take him to school. She did this so Sweety wouldn't know right away that LB didn't go to school.

I guess if you're a high school dropout and make your living by working the system then you don't think it's a big deal if your kid doesn't go to school every day.

Fucking stupid whore. I hate her.

Cupcakes Deliver a Beatdown to Muffins

A couple of weeks ago I bought a crumb cake mix and baked it up in cupcake tins. And it was good. Reeeeally good. <--insert Nacho Libre voice there. Have I mentioned that I've seen that movie twice? Popcorn for the brain and it made me hurt myself laughing. So good that the boys wanted to eat them for breakfast and that gave me an idea. "Hey! I'll let them eat this CAKE for breakfast and then next week I'll make some healthy muffins and they'll be in little baking tins like these so they'll be falling all over themselves to eat them!"

Ha.

The fat-free wild blueberry muffins did not go over as I'd anticipated. They each ate one right after they were made but when I offered them for breakfast the next day they said they'd already eaten some drywall and were full. The box says "Taste so good you can't tell they're fat free." but that's a lie. The only way I found them palatable was if they were cut in half with butter smeared on them.

Oatmeal Brain

I feel like a mush-head. I don't know why. Just do.

Thank you to all of you sweet people that commented on the HNT post!

Once you have kids, do you have to share everything with them? LittleBrother saw that I have a game on my cell phone. It's an adventure game and I've been playing it for a couple of weeks and saving my progress as I go. (I have actually have hidden in the bathroom to play it.) He kept pestering to play it and I let him and he undid about 2 hours worth of work. Now I don't want him to touch it but he's all pouty about it. I don't ask him if I can wear his toy wrestling belts around the house or try to play his game station. Am I being completely immature for not wanting to let a 9 year old wreck my game? Dammit, it's on my cell phone. I shouldn't have to share.

Oh yeah, you know I mentioned that Tiny's been coughing for a couple of days? Last night she gagged out a piece of string that was about 3 inches long. It looked like it was made from the lint that collects in the pockets of blue jeans. I'm just glad it didn't get into her gutwork and kill her. I'm thinking of making her wear a muzzle around the house to keep random things out of her mouth. Greedy dog.

It seems like I had something else to say but I'm too tired and cranky to think.

Hola!

A little something from when Sweety was chasing me around with the camera.



Happy Half Nekkid Thursday! Go here to find more half nekkidness!


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Ouch!

My foot is in bad shape. I got some new shoes and wore them for the first time on Monday. I had a pair just like them but they'd been worn to pieces so these are duplicates and I wasn't expecting any problems. Whenever I'd walked anywhere that day, it felt like the back of my foot was on fire but I figured it was too far from my head to kill me and just ignored it. When I got into my car Monday night and looked at the damage I realized what a mess it was. The cuff of my pant leg was wet from my foot bleeding onto it. I think the shoe almost severed my Achilles tendon. Now I can't wear shoes that cover my whole foot so tomorrow I'll wear a cute dress with some slingbacks and with my mangled, band-aided foot peeking out.

Something is stuck in Tiny Dog's throat. She's been hacking since yesterday like she needs to yack out a hairball or something. She's eating and drinking okay and I crammed my finger down her throat but didn't find any blockage. For once, I wish she'd just puke and get it over with.

There's some jackass that waits in line to get his kid from school and while waiting he chain smokes and tosses his cigarette butts in the parking lot. He also usually has a toddler sitting in the backseat. I guess if you blow your smoke away from the kid then you aren't contaminating his lungs. He's been getting the evil eye from me for the past month but it's not changing his habit. I am dying to gather the butts and toss them into the back of his nice, shiny, new, 4X4 pickup truck. What I'd really like to do is take one of the fresh ones and stub it out on his truck. I wonder how badly I'd get my ass beaten if I did that? I think I could outrun him.

People that litter with their used cigarettes and people that park their car on the crosswalk are my pet peeves. I need to get busy building a photon death-ray gun.

Personal Injury & Growing Pains

So, this Saturday night while being a bit frisky, I almost broke Sweety's leg. He was laying down and I was doing a position move and sat down on the bed and also squarely on his knee. We heard it crunch. That totally killed the mood. It's still hurting him. Whenever I try to touch him now he cowers down and cries. Eh, he'll get over it. You can replace knees, right? He needs to get himself a nice titanium one.

My little dog is growing up. Here she is about a year ago.
A dainty, well-mannered canine.


And now.
A wall eating, head humping character.


She's got white, bushy, old-man eyebrows now and a beard. I'm thinking of coloring her hair with a permanent marker. That shirt in the top photo? Gone. She ate it.

Being a Slug Today

All of the electronics in my life have been rebelling lately.

I tried to use my camera this morning and got some kind of error message. I panicked for 30 minutes thinking that I'd broken it and was going to have to just throw it away before I got the problem figured out. I should probably just go back to taking Polaroid photos. Easier.

As was mentioned awhile back, I got a new cell phone with magical internet surfing abilities. The first month of online usage was free and then afterwards we bought the unlimited media package so I could be online an unlimited number of minutes. The July phone bill was okay but August's was almost 300 freaking dollars because they didn't have the unlimited minutes set up. I called them and they credited us for $200 and promised that things would be fixed this month. Ha-effing-ha. Cell phone bill for September? $600 dollars! Ack! I just called them and they agreed that it was wrong and are crediting $475 dollars and swore that it would be correct next month. This month they weren't able to issue an instant credit because of the high amount and said they'll call me in 5-7 days when it's credited. I'm afraid something is going to happen and they're going to tell me that I missed something in the fine print of the phone contract and we really do owe that much money. It's nice that they've been so agreeable to crediting things but I'd really like it to be correct from the get go.

Sweety was appalled that I'd managed to rack up $475 in usage time on my phone. Having the phone has really helped with my internet/blog addiction. On my lunch break now I'm able to go read blogs instead of doing things like eating lunch. And this way I don't spend as much time online at home on the computer.

I have totally screwed up our desktop computer. I tried to reformat it and I think it's dead. When payday gets here I'm hauling it to a repair shop to see if a professional can breathe some life back into it.

It's just me and the canines at home this afternoon. Sweety's joined a bowling league that plays every other weekend and I didn't feel like tagging along today. Sometimes, it's nice to be home alone. I will lay around for the next 6 hours and then frantically clean up the place before he gets home so it looks like I've been busy all day.

Has anybody out there ever had a hairdo that their significant other really hated? Did you change it? I got my hair done a few days ago and I had a lot of red put in it instead of just the little bit that was there the last time it was done. (That photo doesn't do it justice. It's almost a crayon red color.) I love it but Sweety hates it. It'll lighten up within the next few washes anyway. I think he should be happy that I don't have blue streaks. I've always wanted blue streaks in my hair. Or maybe he should be happy that the worst thing I'm doing is coloring my hair in a manner that isn't pleasing to him. At least I'm not out sucking somebody else's dick.

Tiny has finally resumed blogging and tossed out a new post. Hmmm, maybe I will give her blog a makeover today.
It is now 2 hours later and I've given my dog's blog a new look. I am insane.

I'm It!

Amy was kind enough to tag me with a meme that I feel capable of doing. She's assigned 5 words and I get to list the first things that pop into my head.

Chagrin - Red & Suffocating (because I feel as if I'm going to hold my breath til I turn red and smother when I'm good and chagrined)

Vodka - Puke (some of my worst vomits ever were after drinking vodka)

Dimples - Butt

Uterus - Empty

Armpit - Florida (I hate Florida)

And then I quizzed my almost sleeping Sweety to see what his answers would be.

Chagrin - Canoe Canoe? What the hell is going on in his head?

Vodka - Shits

Dimples - Ass

Uterus - Reusable

Armpit - Florida

I'm not tagging anybody but if you'd like to play in the comments then here are your words!

Toast

Fried

Web

Bear

Holiday